Happy New Year!!! Here's wishing you a wonderful 2007!

I really am going to have to get a walker or a cane. I fell again on the snow at work last night and and really hurt my knee. So I tried to wear my mechanical monstrousity brace, and it digs in my leg. i dont want ot go to the ER cuz we'll be there for days... and its a holiday weekend so I wouldnt be able to even call for an appointment til Tuesday, but so will everyone else so who knows when I would actually get in. And what would they tell me? That I have torn ligaments, I kinda already know that. And That I need to have surgery to fix it, and that it will take me off my feet for a couple months cuz they have to take out all the scar tisse? Yes i know that too. And we cant afford that! I have to walk to work, and since I am organizing the year's biggest fundraiser for NMSS, I cant take time off to have a stupid surgery. And I already have my supply of 800 mg Ibruprofen from my kidney stones, so what's the point? I should have gotten it done a long time ago. But I dint wantot hobble for my wedding or walk to class in the snow on crutches. Its never a good time to do it!

I have decided to put a few pics up here since I have been slackin on that end. Christmas was good. We went to Marcus and Amelia's on Christmas Eve and had supper, drank some wine and payed cards. It was fun. They were goingt o have a party but we all decided that Christmas Eve was for family. And since we are all each others' families up here, we spent it with close friends. We had a lot of fun at the hockey games this weekend. There were a lot of fights. Which always makes for a good time! But I wanted to put up some pics. Hope your Christmas was as lovely as ours!

And for those of you who havent met our new baby, Grizzly

Our season ticket group. (from right: Doug, Marcus, Amelia, Matthew, and me) 

Matthew talkin to Hans Benson (the player I put on his new jersey) 

Here's our backyard, so you can get an idea of how much snow we got. Bout 3 feet in as many days. 

Cool, huh? 

He just shoveled the driveway about 5 hours earlier! 

Shirt from Amanda 

Yaya, Christmas id here! 

Matthew's new glasses 

This is a shitty time for there to be a blizzard cuz now work SUCKS! NOt because of the snow exactly, that makes it really hard work, but because the store is not busy. Now is not the time to not be makin money. The onluy thing that comforts me is that I know in a couple weeks I will have a steady paycheck that doesnt depend on other people. So I know that bills can be paid or groceries can be bought. I know that we will do it. We have been doing it, and will continue. Once the holidays are over, we will be back on track. I'm so tired of the snow.

Its still snowing. Just to let you know. It was pretty fun yesterday. We went to the hockey game last night, and Marcus locked the keys in the car! Poor Amelia has a boot on her foot cuz she broke it so her toes are freezing. So we went over to the cops who were directing traffic. Well, apparently, taxi drivers do unlock here in Anchorage, and they charge $25. And the guy who did was a asshole. We didnt have $25 and they had locked the door to the arena. And he wouldnt let Amelia sit in his car even with her broken foot. Anyway, the driver was like "You dont have $25 between all of you?" No, thats why we told you that we didnt have $25. We dont carry cash anyway, but since we are all married, one of us in the couple has the money. Anyway, he FINALLY gets ii unlocked and writes down the license plate # so he can follow us to an ATM. ANd the money doesnt go to the cab company, he pockets it. Nice Christmas spirit jackass. He was so flippin rude. Like we did it on purpose. And as if we purposely didnt have any cash. I offered to give him the $2.75 that I had in my pocket... Anyway, what ever Scrooge. $25. Should have just called roadside assistance. Would havehad to wait a bit longer but you wouldnt have to pay for it.

We are being snowed in. They have shut down the base. Too much snow already and it isnt suppose to stop till tomorrow. Thank goodness I dont have to be anywhere tomoorow!

I am so excited for Cristmas. I want to open presents now.But I wont. Matt wont let me. I let him open up his jersey. He was so excited. I have never seen him so happy to get something. Actually, I was so excited to give it to him, I couldnt wait any longer! LOL. But I got to open some presents at the office today, so it curbed my need to open gifts. I dont really have anything to talk about I guess. I dont want to go to work, its cold and windy. Oh, Saturday we went to Matt's Christmas party for work. We got a really sweet doorprize. A voucher for a 26 glacier cruise for two. Its about $250 value. I am so excited cuz I have wanted to go on a glacier cruise since we got up here. So that was a cool Christmas present. Thats about it.

The baby kitty is doing well. She is adapting to the house and Jackie like a champ. Took her to the vet yesterda.

Yep I have it, I dont need a blood test. Now what?

Infectious Mononucleosis Symptoms
Not everyone infected with the virus that causes mono (Epstein-Barr virus, or EBV) has symptoms. This is especially true in young children, who may have a fever but no other symptoms. Young adults between the ages of 15 and 24 are more likely to have obvious symptoms.1
The most common symptoms of mono are:
Fever, which may range from 101 °F(38.3 °C) to 104 °F(40 °C), and chills.
Sore throat, often with white patches on the tonsils (which may resemble strep throat).
Swollen lymph nodes all over the body, especially the lymph nodes in the neck.
Swollen tonsils.
Headache or body aches.
A lack of energy and fatigue.
Loss of appetite.

A Gift from Grizzly

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I swear it is always one thing after another. It just doesnt ever end. I am convinced that I have mono. I know I do. I remember how it feels. I am so tired you dont even know. And I have been sweatin balls ever since I came home. I cant cool off, no matter what I do. I am sick, and we CANNOT afford for me not to work. But the best I can do is a couple hours and that is hard, cuz I am so worn out, and I can hear mom worrying aout me wearing myself out, but I cant not work. We have Christmas to pay for and the trip home, and groceries and the new kitty needs her shots and Jackie is due for a check up and we need groceries. And Matt had to get glasses today so we have to pay for that too. But I did find out that they will do contact exams at the hospital. So I dont have to go to the stupid doctor anymore. So I have an appointment in January. Matt's doctor says there are new hard contact materials that breathe better so I may be able to go back to hard contacts instead of these stupid soft ones that dont really have enough strength. So anyway, I have to go work so I can get Matt some food.

Hurray for Christmas

I used to not like Christmas, because of years of working in retail, I just couldnt stand it. Now that I dont work in retail, I am actually really enjoying it. The way I remember enjoying it when I was little. With hope and belief and happiness. Not the bitterness, bum hum bug, and negativity that I have harboured for almost ten years. And listen to Christmas music, not because I am forced to, but because I want to. Because I enjoy it. I am shopping for presents, at my pace and on my time. I have holiday parties that dont involve shipping in food so we dont leave the store because in actuality we will be too busy to eat. This is the way The holiday is supposed to be. Full of joy and love and a childhood innocence.
I treasure those feelings that I carry with me in a special place in my heart that makes this holiday even more magical. The memories of going to get the Christmas tree. We would go on a Saturday. After practice for the Sunday school Christmas program. Mom, Dad, Amanda, me and Lew would get into the front of the green pick up and sing Christmas carols all the way to the tree farm to cut down our tree. We would bring it back to the house and dad would put it in the stand while mom put on Christmas CDs and pull out the boxes of decorations. Together we would decorate the tree and the house while te voices of Bing Crosby, Brenda Lee, Nat King Cole and the sounds of Manhiem Steamroller floated through the house. We would hang the Stockings and the garland on which my mom would hang the Christmas cards. We would make sugar cookies to frost. And Manda, me and Lew would each get an even amount to decorate.
Christmas Eve was never for opening presents. Christmas Eve, when I was young, we would go to the first Family Service at church and then it was a challenge to see if we could stay up for the Candlelight Service. In between we would go to Gradma's with Uncle Tim, Aunt Joyce, Cassie, Jacob and, later, Nicole. We would have CHristmas treat plates full of goodies. And soup like potato, chili, and Oyster. And have sparkling cider. I loved the Candlelight Service. They would always sing Silent Night when all the lights turned off, and just the candles burning. I loved it. It always made me cry. The emotions of that service were rivaled only by Good Friday.
Christmas morning we would open the presents. Stockings were always first in the sunroom. And then mom would make hot chocolate, the real kind with milk. And then we would go to the living room to open presents. We would take turns handing out presents. And then we would break and have more hot chocolate and Grandma's tearoll. Then we would finish up with gifts and then we would start dinner. Always crab legs and twice baked potatoes. Then it was movie/nap time. Then we would go over to Grandma Whitmer's for a light meal and somtimes presents.
Dad would put up a big light display. People would drive out to the house just to see the lights that he put up. I remember, very vividly, laying in my bed and looking out my window, seeing the multi colored lights right outside my window and reflecting in the snow. I remember one night in paticular in such vivid color and emotion, that I feel it happened only a day ago, instead of years ago. The night I lay looking at those lights, sure to the very one that I heard the bells of a certain sleigh. I was so sure, and in all honesty I still do, and for one single reason, I have always believed in Santa.
Not so much in the man, but in the idea. Santa represents the best of the this season, because it represents the best of a world. An idea of giving, and selflessness. Of the blind faith of a child, in whose innocence we should draw strength. Because it is in the belief of Santa that the magic of Christmas exists. And why I know that Santa exists. Because there is a magic in Christmas carols, and lights, trees ad gifts, family, and love, giving, and, above all, in faith. The faith in a man who brings happiness to deserving people all over the world. And faith in a child, born this night, to make us all worthy of the greatest gift.
Merry Christmas, and I wish for for all of you, and renewed faith.

This weekend was Millitary Appreciation at the Aces' game. Boy, the drunks were out full force thats for sure. We had this idiot behind me talk (loudly) throuh the whole game on Friday. And the more he drank the louder he got, and then to a climactic end, he spilled beer down my back, on my jersey and my new coat. I was pissed off. cuz people should have more respect for the people sitting around them, trying to enjoy the game. So last night those same guys were two seats over from us. And EVERY TIME the puck was in our scroing zone he would yell "SHOOT IT!!!" sometimes the other team would have the puck in our scoring zone and he would yell "SHOOT IT!!!!". They cant shoot it eery time they have the puck, jackass, they have to st up the shot. And of course he had one of the horns that were banned cuz they were so loud and he had a big cow bell. And then Amelia and Marcus had a guy behind them, giving them a play by play. Otherwise it was a good game.

They had a jersey auction after the game. Mike Scott's jersey went for $1200. the highest was Oliver Fillion. Over $2000. And then his wife bid $1000 for The goalie's jersey. so they paid over $3000 for two game worn jersey's. Thats about what I paid for my Blazer! Crazy.

We're back

Yep, back to the real world. I am already counting down to when I can go back to (a$*I, a message from the Griz) Iowa. First we have to pay off this trip though...

We picked up the Griz. Its going to be a challenge with the two kitties. They are starting to get a little more used to each other though. So that is reassuring. Its nice to have a baby around again, and Jackies needs the exercise. She is actually handling Griz better than the other way around. She wants to play, and the Griz is scared. But Jackie is a lot bigger than her.

We put up the Chrstmas tree, Jackie has only climbed it once. We have stockings for the kitties. We bought them for Jackie and the Joey. He never got to use his... I had to take his name off so I could put Griz on there. (bhhhthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkjjjj1.,,,,,,,,,,xc, another message from the Griz)
That was kinda hard. I almost didnt do it, but we ont have the money to buy her another one. Anyway, I will put up pics when I get around to it. I've been busy since we've been home. We have a holiday open house at the office this week so we are trying to get ready for that. And I am back to work at the CM, plus we had hockey all this week.

This weekend was Military Appreciation Weekend, so there are lotsa people at the games. And most of them re drunk. I had a stupid jacka** behind me last night. He was talking all through the game. Ad then he got drunker and drunker and starting yelling all these rude and stupid comments. And then to top it off, he spilled his beer down my back, on my jersey and my new coat. I was pissed so I didnt really enjoy the game. Oh, well.

Tomorrow is the day. I am not packed. I am not reay and I dont really care. I havent even been able to think about the fact that we ar eleaving soon, cuz I had so much other stuff to do. Now it is winding down, and I hve no idea where to start. I did do my laundry so at least when I do pack I can pack clean clothes. Ha. I worked my ass off yesterday. I didnt end up going to the hockey game cuz I would have just felt guilty cuz I wasnt at work. Fot those of you who have been in the commissary before, the line for check out was so long that it wrapped all the way around the back of the store (by the milk and eggs) and went went all the way to the otherside by the produce. We were busy. They probably will be again today but I worked so had yesterday, my entire body aches. BUT it dos say a lot or that medicine I am taking for my fatigue cuz I went from 11 am to 7 pm without a problem. It was really tough but tell me a HONEST profession where I can just walk in and make $30 an hour? Sweet. Well, I dont think it was that much throughout the day but it was in he last half hour. I got a $20 and two $5's from my last three customers so I called it a night. I suppose i should go and start doig something, Matt is finally up now so I can pack some more. K. C'ya all in a couple days.

I am doing the best that I can. (Does it seem that I am starting out like that a lot, I guess thats how you know that its not going very good) I have to make enough money one weweeks to pay off the Disney card card before we leave on Monday. So I am a little on edge because I have to work so damn hard in the frezzing cold, and I am tired. i am working as much as I can, but I cant go in anymore cuz I have to work my CWS, and that has to be done before January 1st. And Matthew forgot to go get my album from the store, so I talked to Danielle so she was going to do her best to get it for me today. Matthew went along, but since She wasnt there, I went in cuz I wanted to see the store. And I was shaking so bad. And I felt so sick to my stomach. And now he says that he forgot to add $100 into the budget for the other credit card and I needed to make another $100. How am I supposed to do that. We have 3 freaking Aces games this weekend. Thursday, Saturday and Sunday and, of course, they have to be afternoon games and not night games, so I am basically losing 3 days of work. So I said sell my tickets. I'l go to one of the games. ANd he makes a huff about that too. What am I supposed to do? I am working the MS office every morning so I get up at 6:40 shower, get ready so I can be there by 8:30, I come home around noon, change grb something to eat and go work the commissary til around 8:30. Come home try to eat, and go to bed exhausted. I am tired. I am so tired. And I do all of this when it is a struggle to find the energy to lift my arms. And I tell him that I am tired and he doesnt understand. I'm not sleepy. I have enough energy to breathe and blink, the rest is a constant struggle to be able to do anything. And somewhere along the line I have to do laundry and pack for a 3 weeks trip. I dont know how much more I can do. I just wish he could understand. I am doing my best. but it never seems to be enough for him, there is always something more that I have to do. I just have to not go to the gams. That is all there is to it. I was tempted to just use the money that Laurie gave me as a gift, but I knew that I, one, would get into trouble for that, and two, I didnt want to do that, it was for me, so that i could get something for myself. Instead of a big pile of failure. Cuz thats all I seem to be able to see lately. He just needs to calm down, cuz in about a month I will have two paying jobs instead of one. He is just so insensitive sometimes. I am actually looking forward to being home cuz I know that he will stay at his parents' house and I will stay at mine and I can have a little vacation away from him too. I need it. He is wearing on my last nerve.

I dont know what to do. Mom needs my photo album from the store before we come home and I cant get a hold of Danielle. I dont want to go in there. I am afraid of what I would do and Matt doesnt seem to ever remember or maybe he dosnt wnt to either I dont know. He has been actin wierd lately And I tried to do it the right way and have Steve take care of it, but She never responded back to him. But I know what is going to happen, she wont give it back to me until she gets her parking card back, which Steve still has. But I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I guess on Monday I will have to call Steve and see if I can pick that stuff up. Find sometime to be able to do that, go to the store, and make the trade and hope that She isnt there. And hope that it all works out. I'll just have to find time to do it. I'll just have to listen to Matt bitch at me cuz I didnt go to work as long as I should have. God, I need to get out of here. Actually I need to alo get soe time away from Matt ad his stress and freaking out cuz Its starting to wear on me. I just have to go do what I have to do.

I burnt my tonge so bad. Its swollen. I am such a dork. I wanted to eat before work, so I made a quesadilla and burnt my tongue on the cheese. Now i cant really talk. Work is gonna suck so bad.

In two weeks we are going to be home. I am so excited. I cant believe its already here! There was a lot of stuff I was supposed to before the time to leave arrived. I am SOOOOOO ready to take some time away. I want to be able to sleep for a while. I want to spend time with my family. I want to get away from this place for awhile. Just remove myself from the residue pain that still lingers in my life here. The only thing that i am afraid of happening is that I will o home, and know how happy I am when I am home and with the people I love that I will come back here, not renewed and reenergized like I want, but miserable and longing even more for my home. But i have to NOT think that way cuz I till have a while to be here. 2 more years. 2 years, that isnt that long. When I got up here I thought 2 years was long and then it turned into 3 more years... SO anyway I have to go try and make some serious cash since Matt wants our Disney card paid off before we leave. I am so tired. Just tired. Tired of doing everything that everyone else needs me to do, being pulled in all of these directions. I need to get away or I am going to get ripped apart.

It's effing COLD!!!

Some info of interest for you: It is currently 1 degree. Yes 1 degree. And it is only November. It is going to be a LONG COLD winter. And for everyone's information, 50 degrees at night is 49 degrees warmer than it is here, so we will be in the pool. I will be in the pool.

I am SOO excited. All went well with my meeting with Juliet. She says I can keep my commissary job. I bring her signed time sheets. I think that she is letting me keep the job because I am me. You know what I mean? Cuz I'm not a loser trouble maker. So she doesnt really care what I do as long as its not illegal. And my trip has been approved. And she is lengthening her leash, I dont have to go to the office anymore, I just have to check in the first Wednesday of every month. I have to bring my time sheet and my monthly report to a substation office sometime during that day. And then when my CWS is done she is gonna put me on minimal contact where I just mail in my monthly reports and I dont have to talk to her at all. And then after a year, she is gonns recommend me for early termination. Cuz basically she told me that my coming down there wa a waste of both of our time. She has other people she needs to watch and rehabilitate and I am checking in to tell her that I havent done anything but work since the last time i saw her.

I cant believe we only have a couple weeks til Disney World and home. I have already started makig packing lists. Matt's about ready to explode. Literally I think his head is just going to burst open spilling pixie dust and mickey confetti everywhere! LOL. Now there is a picture for you!

I am doing the best that i can do. I am trying so damned hard. i work all morning, and then I come home try to eat and then change and go to my other job, and try to make money to support our family. I DO NOT need people to come home and nag at me for what I didnt do, instead of noticing the things I did do. Like spending all day at my work and then a few more hours at my other work and then I came home early so that I could clean the house because some people want to have people over this weekend to watch the hockey game but he doesnt want to clean. So this is the only time I have to clean. But then those people come home and ask what I am doing and assume that I didnt go to work. And then becauseI dont want to go back out to the cold and go to the BX, where I had just come from not an hour before he gets all mad and huffy at me. Well, poop on you. I dont want to go. And then it is like he is a martar because he went and mailed my boots back. Like it was some huge effort when he was the one who ordered a size 6 when I wear a 10. But I didnt say anything, cuz it was a mistake. But now I must praise him cuz he mailed them. Gag me. Are all guys like this?

I thought I would give y'all a little update. I really enjoy workin at the MS office. We are already starting on the organization for the '07 MS Walk. We are the centerfuge for Anchorage, Fairbanks, Matsu Valley, Copper Valley, Soldotna and Juneau. So There is a lot of paperwork and phone calls to be made. Getting the team captains started on pledges and such. But I am having fun, and I can tell that Diana is already impressed by my work. It makes me wonder what kind of people they usaually have as volunteers. But I feel like I am helping her get a lot done. Then when the Walk is done we will start on the Chocolate Affair. And all is well a the CM. Is damn cold, but I will live through it. It will make Florida's 50 degrees feel all the better. LOL. As most of you already know, we decided not to get a puppy. We are going to get a kitten instead. I really want a puppy. I always have, but I miss Joey so much, and so does Jackie. I want to give a kitten a try again and this time, we know he will be healthy. So we just have to decide on a name. It hasnt been as easy as Joey was.

I had a sucky day yesterday cuz Amanda sent me an article that said the factory that manufactures Pink Flamigos is closing. And I read another article that said Bob Barker is retiring. Amanda is already looking for plane tickets. We've always wanted to go to The Price is Right. Ever since we were little. Besides All My Children, I think it was the first show I remember watching. And she wants t get up on stage, and tell Bob that she remembers watchin him when his hair was dark. LOL. How sad. I wonder if it will be like when you take an elderly person out of their house, and they pass away, cuz it was the house that kept them strong. So anyway, that is pretty much it. Its cold. Its snowing. I am tired. And Matt is still alive. 3 weeks to go.

Ok, now I am in a quandry. The people at Bekin's called today and wanted to know if I had a ccepted another job or not. They want me to call them back. Now that I just got on at NMSS. And Diana told me today that come January there will be a temp postition open and by then my hours would be done so I could work there if I wanted to. SHe "hinted" that if I applied I would get it before ayone else cuz by that time I will know the ins and outs of the office more than anyone. But I dont know if I need to take the Bekin's job or not, but I dont know if it will be 40 hours or not, which I know that I can get at the commissary but I havent got a final aproval from Juliet about the commissary job. But I have to have 40 hours so if Bekins isnt 40 hours I dont know if I can do it, and I wont know till I go in and talk to them, but I dont want them to think that because I went in there, I am saying yes to the job, cuz if they think that I will have a hard time saying no. And I really want to stay at NMSS cuz I think I will really like it there, and if there is employment opportunity I would take that in a heart beat above all else. I want to be there, like I have never wanted to be anywhere before. And it is something I could feel good about doing, ad it actually uses skills my parents paid thousands of dollars for me to learn. I guess it just boils down to me talking to Juliet. I am just afraid if I take that job, I wont be able to work at NMSS cuz their hours are 8:30 to 4:30. So here I am in my quandry. It is nce that it s a psuedo good quandry for once. Too many people are interested in me. its a nice change.

On different, but similar note, I feel a calmness now that I havent felt in a very long time. I look around and I just feel that all my roads have led my to this place, and this is where I was meant to be. Like a calling. And that is what makes this quandry so very difficult becase for the very first time in my life, it seems like I know what I am supposed to do. What I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be helping people. People like me. Who are scared and confused and lost and I feel like I am supposed to do this. Not sit behind a computer all day, transposing numbers into a spreadsheet. How long until that numbs my brain? I need this. And they need me. Its ust like everything has alligned and brought me to this opprtunity and the idea that I may lose it hurts deeper than anything I have ever experienced before. Please pray that this works out and I can keep working for NMSS and that Juliet lets me keep working at the commissary. I truely believe that this is where I need to be, what I need to be doing. I have a direction. I never realized how lost I was until I realized what direction I needed to be going.

Well, here is little update for you. I met with the CWS conselor. I sign on to volumteer at the MS Society office. I am really excited about it. It will be a lot of office type work, but thats what I was hoping for. Taking phone calls, and filing and meeting with clients and drumming up donations and such. And if it goes well, and I am sure that it will, I want to continue on and volunteer there. Diana is really nice and she is the one who organizes the MS Walk and the Chocolate event, which unfortunately I JUST missed. But there are only 3 people in the office, so its really close knit. I am really excited. And I talked to her about my health and she says hat they will be on me to take my medicine, which is what I wanted, and why I need to start it early. And doing research and things and learning about the support system, and such. Unfortunately for y'all I have to sign a confedentality agreement so I wont be able to talk about what actually goes on at the office, but thats ok. I am really excited about this. And I have pretty much got Tom (at the CM) to agree to signing off on a "set" schedule of 40 hours, so Emily is going to be VERY buy now, but I feel really good about this. Like this is where I am supposed to be. I was presented wth this opportunity to make my life healthier and to help other people around me too. Now just to get my puppy and I will be set on my new life. I just hope I have enough time for my puppy. Since now I have to go to the office at 9 and then i have to be at work by one. So it least I will be able to come home and walk him and then go to work I guess. And then Matthew can play with him in gthe afternoon before he goes to work and I can spend all night with him. So I guess it will be alright.

I am told it is normal to be young and not know what your doing or where your going. But I dont know if thats true. I dont think its true. Because I cant believe that other people feel as low and as lost as I feel. Like I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I thought that I knew what i wanted and I thought I knew where I was going, but I dont. I look at my brother, and I wonder what am I doing? I learned a long time ago, not to compare myself to Amanda or Lew because I just didt measure up. I know that I am as smart as them, but I never did anything with it, and now I dont know what to do with it. Here is my rother who is not even out of college yet, who is being fought over by Rolls Royce and a pretigious professor who is funding an alternative fuel project that ..now has Conoco-Phillips and their $15 million grant interested. And what am I doing? Amanda has a good job and a house and a life, ad I just feel like I have been pushed out. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to them. But I am so lost. When I was at the store, I felt like I was actually doing something, and something that I could be proud of, that made me feel successful, for the time. Because I felt good, and I felt like I was doing something. Something real. Now, I dont know if I'll ever have that chance again. I know I am young and hae a whole life ahead of me, but tat is how I am feeling. I have been so bummed out lately, that I just want to sleep alot and I dont want to go to work. Because I just dont feel lke I am doing anything. And I know that I wont be doing anything for at least two years. And that bums me out a little more. And I am trying so hard not to focus on these things. So hard. Talking to Kristin has helped cuz I know that no matter how difficult this is for me, she is in a worse position. She cant call and talkto her family whenever she wants. She is stuck in an isolated world so far from everything she knows. And that is why we are connecting so much again. Because on different levels we are going through the same thing. Isolation, depression, entrapment in a world we never asked for. And we can bring understndingand light to each toher, when no one else understands. It has been so good to talk to her. It is a friendship that we should have been nurturing all along, but I am so glad that we are bonding again. I miss her so much. But I guess that is just another name to add to the list.

I suppose its time to update. I have been mostly spending my internet time talking to Kristin in Iraq. I think we have talked more in the last week than we have in the last 5 years. But it has been great. And I know she needs it. She is so depressed and lonely. Iraq is starting to wear on her. And now her internet and phones where she lives are down. So her one sense of normalcy is gone. I'm gonna send her some coloring books. And I have a box ready to go out to her. I am going to the post office as soon as I get my shower taken.

Anyway, its all been fine. We are getting the job things worked out. And tomorrow I go back to talk to the other lady about my CWS. I really just want to get that out of the way. And not have to worry about it.

We might get our puppy soon. I am so happy. I havent been this happy in a long time. And the Jackies needs a friend. She REALLY needs a friend! Or a bigger house! We might get him when we are home cuz it would save us the $250-$300 shipping costs.

Gotta love it. Just gotta love it. Matt comes in the bedroom last night and tells me there is a hole in his tire and now he has to get all new tires. Figures. Now that we are on the track to paying off the debts and now we have to get stupid tires. Nope, I got yelled at because I hate his truck, and I am so negativ towards his trck and I am being unreasonable because I asked why he couldnt just get one tire instead of four. But apparently we need to get all four... Whatever. Hopefully I'll have two jobs soon, and he can have new tires. But now he wants to drive my car. K. W/e. Arg.

Teaches me a lesson for taking a nap at 6 pm. Now I cant sleep. I guess I should know better. Anyway, I hate te night time cuz I cant shut my brain off long enough to relax. I'm all worried about my job situation. I have made some decisions that I hope I will be happy with. I decided that if the offically offer me the job at Bekins I am going to take it. Even if I dont like it, I worked at Wal-Mart for 5 1/2 years and I HATED it there. I can spend two miesley little years filling out paperwork and entering payroll information. And working two jobs wont be so bad. I know I can do it, and then we can get stuff paid off sooner, and get our puppy sooner. Jackie needs someone to play with. I will just have to learn not to see Matthew that much. We did it before... Yeah, that worked out well... We'll just have to make a better effort to spend time together. I have decided that I will just do this so I know that I am doing everything I can to be in compliance with my regulations which means I can be free of this shit sooner rather than later. I figure, I cant ignore the fact that when I needed a job this was presented to me on silver platter. I mean, they just happened to call me right when I needed a job? I cant ignore that. It happened for a reason, and given the events of the last few months, I have learned to accept that things happen for a reason. Besides, they are willing to give me a chance, even given my situation. I want to recognize that and appreciate that. And I will.

Oh, also I am VERY excited cuz when we are in Wilton, Kristin will be on R/R!!! Yay! I am so happy that we will be ale to see eah other!

OK, so here is an update for you. I met with my PO today. asically she said as long as I do what I am supposed to do, then she will evaluate me in 3 months and proabably move me to minimum contact. Which means I wouldnt have to go to the office at all and just respond by mail. I have to find a way to verify that I work 40 hours a week. The only way I could work part time is if I was in school, or had a disability of some sort. And when I finish half my sentence I can apply for early termination. So as log and she and the courts, approve it all this could be over quietly, in a year. Which was the bright side of the clouds. So here we are. I meet with her agian on the third. The Disney Trip is still ok, as long as I dont get into trouble between now and then. I meet with another lady on Tuesday to set up my CWS, and in order to get my minimum approved, I have to be done with my CWS, and all my other things, which are two things, which one is done. So I just have to submit to a DNA thing where they put me in the criminal database. So if my DNA shows up at a crime scene I'm screwed! HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, you probably didnt think that was funny. Sorry, I did. Anyway, she asked me what I thought about the whole situation. How do I answer that? I just said, I was happy about it, but I can only do my best to put it behind me. She told me there should be no problem, its the people who wat to hide, and drink and do drugs and move without telling her. I was just lke I have no initention of running off anywhere, i dont drink. I've never done drugs n my life. We are a millitary family. I am a good person stuck in a bad situation. So I think it went well.

I had the best day yesterday. Matt asked me to stay home from work, which he NEVER does. He wanted to spend the day with him. He never asks me not to work so I knew he really wanted me to stay. So I stayed home. We watched Back to the Future 1 & 2. And we made pump-a=kin bread, and we made homemade pizzas. And then we used out quesadilla maker and made Apple pie quesadillas. And we just sat and watched movies and cuddled on the couch. It was the best day to just spend the day with Matthew. I mean we sit and watch TV together but its not the same. We were very domesticated yesterday. It was fun. Very relaxing. And for one quiet Sunday, nothing in my world was wrong.

How it went

I dont know about this job. I just dont htink I would be happy doing it. But I am afraid to turn it down, because what if I need it. And then this opportunity was presented to me and I didnt do it and then I missed my chance and I am stuck. I dont know, I thought it went ok, but not super fabulous. So I guess I will see how it turns out. Maybe they will call, maybe they wont, at least I tried. It sounds like I will be mainly part time through the winter and then come summer I will be full time. So who knows. I will just wait and see. Roll with the punches, I am learning how to do that better.

I didnt know exactly what to say. I decided to tell him straight out. They do background checks so I decided to tell him right away. Might as well be honest from the beginning. if that is the deciding factor at least I know it was because I was honest not because I hid something. And that makes me feel good. Because I know that I went in there, and was honest, and was myself and if I dont get called back because of that, then I wasnt supposed to get the job today. But at least I know I tried. And it helps that I know I am still making money.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Actually they called me this morning. When I first left L.A. I posted my resume at anchoragehelpwanted.com and they called me. I figured, why the hell not. Thats verifiable employment for my PO, so I might as well come in for an interview! It was like it was meant to happen. Cuz they just called me out of nowhere. Here's the ad:

Needed: RECEPTIONIST - Full to Part time position at a busy Moving and Storage company providing multi-line telephone, front desk, computer payroll input and clerical support. Strong attention to detail & great interpersonal skills a MUST. Computer experience with Outlook, Word & Excel required. Must have ability to manage multiple priorities. 1+ years reception experience in a professional office environment is required and your resume and work history must reflect this experience. Please fax resume to ***-***-****. Bekins NWJob Location: Anchorage Available ImmediatelyPosted: 9/29/06

so tired...

I am so tired today! I didnt get to sleep til 3 am this morning. I just couldnt fall asleep. And then a few hours later this lady caled. Twice. And then an hour after that the jets started up. And then The damn dogs started barking... No one wanted me to sleep today. I am going to have NO energy for work today. This is going to be the ultimate test of my Lift Off drink. I'll let you know how it does. So far I have been pretty impressed with it.

I found coat at JC Penny's for work. Plus I think it will be nice for this winter at the hockey games since Matthew insisted that we tailgate on Saturdays. And I found some boots on cabelas.com but I am afraid to order boots over the internet cuz it might not fit. Oh well. I guess you can always send them back...

Boy, you almost pass out once and your husband wants to send you to the doctor. So I've never really fainted before. The closest I came was when I had kidney stones and I got sick from the pain, but I dont think I was anywhere close to where I was this afternoon. Matt was at work.. And I have not been feeling well for awhile now. And my ear has started acting up again. I was laying on the couch and I decided to go into the kitchen to get some water. So I walked into the kitchen and got a glass out of the cupboard. And when I went to get the water pitcher, i got so lightheaded. And I couldnt really breathe. I was breathing but it was like I wasnt getting any oxygen. And I could hear and feeling my heart beating in my throat. So I sat down on the bench and I looked up and there was a flash where my sight lost all the color and it was kind yellowish, sort of. It was really scary. Cuz no one would have known till Matt came home for supper a couple of hours later. So now he wants me to go to the doctor. I just keep telling myself that it will pass. I am my father's daughter.

Amanda called me cynical. I dont want to come out of this cold, and cynical. I dont. But I cant help but think that may be part of the package. Think of the worst thing that anyone has ever done to you, the most betrayed you have ever felt, that person who betrayed you was one of the few people in a vast new place that you trusted, which is very hard for you to do, and you find out that not only did you not know that person AT all, but that they inlicted this pain on you, on PURPOSE, and premeditated. How do you not come out of that a little cynical? I have done my best to handle this in the best way that I know how, but I am not going to come out of this unscathed. I wish that I could have, but as you can imagine, that isnt going to happen. I just hope that my PO is cool and helps me get through this as easy as possible. Anyway, I should probably go to bed. I am not really feeling that well today.

Do you think that you can learn to hate someone? I dont think that I know how , or I knew how, to hate someon, before, so I am not sure if that is what this is. I talked to mom a few days ago, after my meeting w/DOC. And After I finally cried. I finally let all of that out. And for the first time I vocalized what I THINK I feel towards Her. I havent even really said Her name because I dont want to hear it in my own ears. And it i funny how it is just Her name and not anyone else's. For example, I have no problem saying Laurie in reference to Matthew's mom, but when it is in reference to Her I cant say it. And I almost feel guilty capitalizing "Her" bur I dont know how else to reference Her. Cept maybe "coke" since I have found out that is Her candy of choice, and explains a lot about Her behavior. Anyway, I finally said, out loud, that I hated her. But I am not even certain that's true. I have never been so hurt by someone before, not like that. Not where I forgot to breathe. Because my world came down SO fast I forgot to breathe. How dos that happen? How do you let that happen? I let that happen. Yeah, I know what you are going to say, but I did.

I have done a lot of soul searching. I feel like I have been barely able to keep my head up above water for what seems like forever. Through court, through meetings, through tears, and doubts, through new hopes, and close friends... I dont remember what I was like before July. So much more clouds my mind now. But its the last two things that have helped me keep my head above the water. Above that crushing weight that wishes to steal my breath one more time. I know that soon all of this will be behind me, and I know that I will live through it. I have made such strides in moving on with my life. I am making friends... And anything that comes up now, that stands in the way of that... I am having a difficult time getting past them. I feel like I have done so much to pick myself up that now if anything happens to the contrary to that progress I barely have the strength to overcome that too. Like if I cant work at the CM anymore. .. I know that I can find something else. I know tat we can survive, but its not just that. I found something that I can do for myself that helps us get through this difficuilt time, and I am making friends there, I just cant think about that getting taken away from me too.

Well, for all its worth the court shit is over. Today was it. So except for my charity work and my new "best friend"" I am done with that stupid woman. My no contact order is done so Matthew can go and get my stuff back from that store. I am just glad that it is, for the most part, over. Now I just have to get the nxt two years over with and I am free of that **tch forever. And I dont have to not talk to my friends anymore. I miss them. The only thing that I dont want to do is talk to Danielle or Kim too much cuz I dont want them to get into any kind of issues with Her since I know how She is and She will shit bricks if She finds out that they are still in contact with me. Cuz the way She works means that if She cuts someone out of Her life, then everyone around Her has to do the same thing. I know, cuz I've been on the other side of that. Now I just hope that She will disappear from my dreams too and then I can really move on from this. We have like only 50-some days till we go to Disney World, so I will be able to totally leave this up here and go to DW and have no worries, no concerns, no stressors, nothing. Just some good times with the mouse. I am so glad that through all of this Mat didnt touch our Disney fund, he knew how much I would need this, we would BOTH need this after all was said and done. and on top of that we will spend a few days at home, so I can see my family. Which I also REALLY need right now.

Why am I not sleep yet? Jackie is probably wondering the same thing, since I am on her night time turf, but I dont want to go disturb Matthew. He is actually sleeping, which he hasnt been doing much of lately. And I dont want to go up and wake him. But I also didnt want to go to bed at 8:30 when he did. So Now I am stuck downstairs. And I would sleep down here, but I need to stretch out more than the couch allows. And tomorrow he will just wonder why I never came upstairs, and he will then thinnk I am mad at him no matter what reason I tell him. Usually I just fall asleep watchin TV since he goes to bed earlier than I do, I dont like to have the TV on while he is trying to sleep. But when I tell him that he still thinks that I was mad at him. I just dont want to wake him. He needs to have a real night of slepp. A few actually, so he is taking some sleeping pills. We are hoping that a few good nights of sleep will help with his temper. Hopefully.

how hard do you suppose it is to make an appointment and o to the doctor? Not too hard right? Right, so how come I havent done it yet? My sinuses still hurt and I havent gone. My teeth hurt and I havent gone. My ears hurt and I havent gone. I dont know why. I better go before it gets cold and I have to work outside all the time.

I am having a new bout of homesickness. For a couple of reasons. One, all this talk about Matt gteting out early sparked my desire to go home. Though I am glad that Jim helped him realize that was not good idea. I just couldnt make him see that we couldnt afford to live up here ad right now we have no choice. And two, I have five days left. Thats it. Then I have to face the music. And I am scared. I dont know why, I guess cuz it makes all of this real. BUT on the other hand it is one step closer to putting all of this behind me and moving on with my life. I choose to see that side more than anything but the other scary side does come out once in a while. I guess its only nature for that to happen. And she is back in my dreams. I guess that has more to do with me going to see Amber and Carrie the other day, they told me some stuff about my former employer that I wish I had known a long time ago so that I could have gotten myself out of a ery bad situation a long time ago. Oh, well, they didnt know either.

One more thing to feel guilty about... No, two more things

I kinda feel like I made Matt go crazy. Now I know that he has a genetic predesposition to anxeity, but I feel like I pushed him over the edge. And He wouldnt be blowing up at work, if I hadnt made a big deal about him not taking things out on me. Now I see that he needed to vent, too and I pretty much told him dont bother me with it. I am working so hard, I wish that I could make him understand that I am making money now, and I am busting my ass for it. And though it cant happen right away, we will be ok, and we will get our debts paid. He just needs to realize that. It wont happen right away but I get more money every day that I work so it will be ok. But then if I take a day off, I just think all day about how I should be at work, making money so he can have some mental relief. But I have to take a day off once in awhile. SO I have no reason to feel guilty.

Then he decided that he wants to get out early. And if July hadnt happened, he could leave right now if they let him, but he cant because of me. I have us tied here, until my charity work is done. So I have to work three times as hard at getting that done so we can leave and still work to make money to keep him from freaking out. I just dont know what to do. Keep on keepin on I guess. There isnt anything I can do. Nothing I say helps and I work way too much again, but that isnt helping.

I do think he is glad that I have friends again. Yesterday I went and saw Amber and Carrie at their new spa. And we went to get groceries, the first time since mom and dad left, and Emily and Micki came up to me and we were chatting. I didnt even see them come up, so I feel like I have made some friends at work. And I saw Jen in the parking lot last week and we talked for awhile. And I have been talking to Rachel, Danielle, and Kim on mySpace, so really Cori is the only one i havent gotten to talk to yet.

But anyway, he has an appointment with the doctor today at 3 so maybe he will be able to get some relief, and maybe he will be able to get to sleep.

I have decided that I am going to throw the Jackies a birthday party. I am going to get her a little party hat. Heehee Heehee. She will be so adorable. I am going to make her a little kitty cake... I have gone off the deep end havent I? Eh, I will just have to enjoy the swim. And Jackie's party!!!!

I had the best dream last night. I havent really been sleeping all that well the last month so I dont really think I had been doing much draming, but last night's was great. We were at these people's house, and they told me that they needed help. So they led me and some other people back through these trees, and there was this temple. Like an Aztec pyramid temple. And I had to climb to the top. (I dont remember why) but the stairs were made of wood and there were like traps and things along the way. Like pits of mud and then you would look down under the stairs and there were like soldiers or guards marching around down there so if you fell they would kill you. And when you went to climb the stairs the temple would shake and try to knock you off in to the mud. And I slipped and fell into the mud but I was able to fight my way out, I felt like I was drowning in the mud. And Mandi Dusenberry was there (you will all remember her as my ex-best friend and Matthw's ex-girlfriend) She was there with me. And we got up another flight of stairs and Mandi fell into the mud. She didnt get back out, and I wasnt too upset about it cuz that meant that I would reach the top. So I ust hel on and kept climbing and I reached the top and an eagle came out of the top of the pyramid. I grabbed it around the neck and fought with it for a bit and then had to bring it back down the shaking stairs. But I did it. And then I woke up. So I dont know wy I had to do it, but I do know that I did it. Let's see what Dream Moods has to say about this one.

Pyramid
To see pyramids in your dream, signifies that many new and major changes will be occurring in a short amount of time. It is a symbol of longevity, stability, and a firm foundation.

To dream that you are climbing a pyramid, denotes that you will wander aimlessly for awhile before finding the gratification of your desires.

Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It suggests that you are going into your unconscious. It also refers to setbacks that you will experience in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it suggests that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging.

Mud
To see mud in your dream, suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some internal cleansing is needed.

To dream that you are walking in mud, suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship.

Guard
To see an armed guard in your dream, represents rational thinking. You are being cautious and practical

Ex (friend, in this case, I will replace words with the word friend)
To dream about your ex-(friend) suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex (friend). The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake.

Eagles
To see an eagle in your dream, symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage, and powerful intellectual ability. Eagles also indicate self-renewal. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

So did you see what I saw? Yeah. I love dreams.

It seems odd to enjoy your job. It has been awhile since I have enjoyed working. But I suppose when you get paid well, its easier to go. I know it keeps me there. I can come and go as I please but I always end up staying till close just to make that extra $10. Why not? I ask myself. Its ten more dollars than you have right now. And that is exactly it, Its more than I came with and thats it. Expect that the other day I was helping Tom bring in some carts and I smashed my hand. The entire back of my hand is one big bruise and there is a naty bump. And of course I hit the damn thing on my cart all the time now. I need to wear padding on it so it will heal. I think I might have really hurt it. But its all good. Its ot broken and I can still work.

I got to see Jen today. I ran into her in the parking lot at the CM. It was nice to see her again. Of course she had heard about what had happened. For those of you who dont remember, Jen used to work at the store, and quit to go to Marie's. She is the salon manager over there now. She toldme that she heard the day it happened. I am so glad I am out of that industry now. SHE must have called Mitch that day (you all remember Mitch from when I first started working there) and then Mitch told Cori (who I am still friends with, she is the only one I havent tslked to about this yet) and Cori called Jen. Of course, neither one believed what they were told. I knew they wouldnt. Thay know me too well. So basically all my friends have stood by me. I knew they would and what is funny is that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has said '...you knew she was psycho! We all knew she was crazy." Every single one of them. I knew it too, I just chose to ignore it. My mistake. Oh well, I would not have left that place any other way. That is just what it took to get me out of there.

I dont know what to do. I talked to Matthew already and he gave me good advice so I dont know why I am still worrying about this, but I dont know what to do. I need to be at work as much as I can because we need theoney, so I am not able to spen as much time on my online thing. Now the CM (which is what I am calling the commissary from now on so I dont have to type it out all the time) is an immediate answer to our problem, and can help us right now. But the online thing is more about the future and developing an ongoing, residual income no matter what we do or where we go. But I have to grow it first and I cant do that like I would like because of the time difference. The main calling times for the Lower 8 are the prime hours at the CM and when I will make the most in tips. I eed to spend weekends at the CM cuz again, prime time. So Matthew says I st concentrate on the CM job as primary and on the days I decide not to work there, I do the online thing. Which makes sense. And is logical. So problem solved right? Apperantly not, because I cant stop thinking about it. Because I feel like I have to spend more time than a couple days a week on this business. So I dont know what to do. Plus there has been some problem with my application and my orders have not been going through right, and noone thought to contact me and tell me!!! But I invested so much in this, I do not want to give up. And I still hold faith that it will be worth it, but i am just wondering if it would be better in a couple years when I have more time, and I am in a normal time zone. But at the same time, if I stop now I know that in a couple yars I will regret it because I will be years behind where i could have been if I had kept up with it. So what to do? I know that it tke about three years for ANY new business to establish itself and start being truely profitable. And because I know this, I dont ant to give up, but I am afraid that one I start having to do my "Charity" work I will just go crazy with too much stuff to do. I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days. So I sit home and I worry. And I worry and I worry. And I just cant worry anymore!

My new job

I have to say that I LOVE my new job. I have so much fun, and there is NO stress. It is the PERFECT job for me right now. Everyone is SO nice and I am so happy that I have a job where I have no pressure and all I have to do is talk to people and they pay me for it. I worked 4 1/2 hours today and I made over $80. I averaged $20 an hour and I didnt have to worry about babysitting any employees, or price prolems, or orders, or bosses. I just talk to people and bag their groceries and they pay me and they pay me well. I am SOOOOO happy. This is the happiest I have been in a long time. Even before all this shit happened. Cuz it has made me see how EXTREMELY unhappy I was at that store. Cuz I was NOT happy. And I didnt like the person I was when I worked there. I was a bitc working there. I was a snob. And most of all I was unhappy. Now I have found something that I can really enjoy. And I do.

I went to work today. It was pretty ok. The people are nice. Of course, there are always those people who are snotty and stupid, but for the most part tey are all good. My back is going to hurt for a couple of weeks, cuz I havent used those muscles for a while. But I'll be fine. I just have to plan out my time, I am not so good with the time management skills. But with my "charity" work, my online thing and the commissary, I will have to learn how to schedule my time or else I will lose my sanity! It will be like goin to school and workin full time. But my "charity" work wont be forever. And As soon as I get that done I will be able to spend more itme on the other two. Matthew says he is expecting me to go into my work mode again, which means I am going back to being a workaholic. Which in this case, is will be good for us. At least for awhile. I really do feel like I am moving on with my life. And my mom will be happy to know that I am having social contact again. Now I just need to remove the negativity from my brain and I will be back to a normal person, well, relative to how normal I was before all of this! But it is nice to talk to people again. I think that is what I am going to like about this, is that all I have to do is walk out to people's car with them and make conversation. Which I like to do so no problem. Tom says that they get people in there and they cant do the job, and I just wonder why. They must not have ever had a job before or something, cuz its not that hard. Just be consderate to fellow baggers and talk to customers. No biggie. Anyway, I thought I would let you know how things were going. I think I am going to do well. And I want to help Matthew. I want to get back to having conversations that arent revolving aroung money. I miss those days. What did we talk about before we were struggling to keep our heads above water? What did he used to ask me about instead of how much money was on our credit card? I dont remember. I hope we can find something to talk about. I almost want to avoid him sometimes cuz money is all we talk about. I am well aware that we dont have much of it, so please stop reminding me. I start feeling guilty after awhile, and then I get upset with him, so I avoid him, but I am REALLY trying to keep that under comtrol cuz I DO NOT want to do that! BUT silverlining is that I am DOING something about it, and I am helping out again. So hopefully he will be able to stop freaking out. And I have a job now so I can just go to work when he starts bugging me!

Oh, sidenote: Have you seen the advertisements for the new appetizers at TGI Fridays? Fried Green Beans? I love Fridays, but really?

RIP: Crocodile Hunter

This man will truely be missed, by his fans, by his animals, and by the world. Rest in peace Crocodile Hunter. Thank you for teaching us and for entertaining us. The world over.


http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1531424,00.html

Steve Irwin, host of the Animal Planet series The Crocodile Hunter, was killed Monday during a diving expedition off the coast of Australia, the country's Queensland Police Service confirms.

Irwin, 44, was stung by a stingray while filming a documentary at Batt Reef, Low Isle off Port Douglas at about 11:00 a.m. According to a police statement, "his crew called for medical treatment and the Emergency Management Queensland Helicopter responded; however, Mr. Irwin had died." Stingrays have poisonous barbs on their tails. John Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time, told the Associated Press that Irwin "came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart." Stainton said Irwin had been filming a segment for a series called Ocean's Deadliest.

Irwin leaves behind his American-born wife Terri, 42, daughter Bindi, 8, and son Bob, 2.

A tireless wildlife advocate, Irwin's career was not without controversy: In July 2004 he was cleared of charges that he got too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary, and in January of that year enraged child welfare groups by holding son Bob, then 1 month old, while feeding a crocodile.

In 1992, the year The Crocodile Hunter first began airing, Terri Irwin told PEOPLE of her husband, "The thing that attracts me to him is that passion he has for what he does. The animals have no capacity to return Steve's affection. In fact, all they want to do is kill him." Irwin himself admitted, "I realize that one mistake and I could be dead, but I've had a lot of experience and mostly I know when there's danger."

IN life there are always those people who will expect you to fail. No matter what you do, or say they will always expect you to fail. They are the people to have to overcome to be successful at whatever it is you are trying to do. Ad it doesnt really matter what you envdeavour is, their expectatios are the same. And it is their voice that resounds in your head, louder then all the encouragment you recieve. It is this voice you can hear, always. But the real problem arises when this voice is no longer that of someone else, but it has in fact become YOUR OWN voice. When it is someone else's you can ignore it, they dont know you, they dont know what you can do, they underestimate you. But when you listen closely to what the are saying you realize it is not a foreign voice telling you to give up, it is your own voice telling you. Betraying you. And it becomes all the more difficult to shut it out. Afterall, who knows you better than yourself? If your own voice is saying, give up, how are you supposed to quiet it. Quiet your own voice. The voices in your head. That keep you up at nght. That hold you back and make you scared. How do you quiet those voices? Sometimes it is all that keeps you going, but sometimes is is the one thing that can undo everything you have worked to overcome. Sometimes it is what keeps you on your feet, and sometimes you fight bak against the poison that your own voice is spewing.

Today the tremors arent as bad as yesterday but today, there are added sensations in my pinkie and fore fingers. I cant really explain it, it isnt numb, cuz I can still feel stuf, but it is like it isnt there, and yet it hurts at the same time. Kinda like when you hand falls aleep, and it waking up, but still kinda tingly. Thats the best way I can describe it to someone who cant feel it. I'll give it a few more days. I dont know if it is in my shoulder or its something I shoud be more concerned about it. But I dont know how I am going to be able to tell. I would go get my shoulder worked on, but we dont have extra money to do it, but I dont want to go to the doctor if it nothing. Matthw doesnt really know what to do when he rubs my back, I mean he tries and it feels good but there are no real results. I am wondering if its my shoulder more cuz mom worked on it when she was here and it kinda helped but its back. Of course it never totally went away. oh well. If i lose more fingers, I'l get more serious about persuing a solution.

Damn Tremors!

Today is bad tremor day. It has been a long time since I have had ne of these days. It is a costant reminder of those days to come. I cant hold n the my silerware, which sucks cuz Matt wants pancakes today. That was a challenge. It took three tries to get signed n to MySpace so if my typing is worse than usual, I apologize. But I try to take advantage of days like this to do more of what I usually do just to try to prepare myself for those times when this lasts longer than just a day. Those thoughts scare me. I have been so fortunate that my MS has not flared up ore than it has. And when it does, it is relatively mild. I havent had a major relapse since 98 when I went blind. Otherwise it mainly numbness and tremor, which I can deal with. I will just need a sippy cup so I dont slip on myself! B ut I have to ay I am doing pretty well with the typing. It is taking me twice as lond cuz I am hitting twice as many keys and have to go back and fix it... Anyway, I am going to go try to make a sandwich or something. Yay, oh the fun!

Ok so update on hw today went. I was so weirded out for some reason that I could not get myself to go there. I dont know what is going on with me brain! Anyway, when I went there, finally, I talked to the guy and he had me fill out the application. He said it would take about a month, he told me that I just needed to come in and bug him often. I told him that I would be in there everyday if I had to, the sooner the better. He's like, you guys are really hrting huh? I was just like yeah, pretty bad. So he said I could come in on Wednesday and do the two hour training thing and I could get startd by Friday. He was pretty cool and he is gonna let me bypass the waiting list. I think it really does help to smile and be polite. So here we go. I am just praying that, finally, something will go my way. The only thing that I am stressin on right now is if they run a background check. What then? What will show up? Nothing right now, right? I mean it's not like I have ben convicted of anythng, and Steve told me that I could go get a job like a normal person. So I really have no reason to worry cuz Steve said it would be fine. So relax, Emily. But my gift is worrying about everything, til I know that it is a sure thing. Thats why I will have an ulcer or a heart attack or whatever else it can cause.

Today is the first day of my new recovery period. I will go to the comissary today and start my new job. Is it dumb that I feel embarassed about working there? I know it is stupid. It is a job and oe that is going to help us get out of this mess. I think I am a little nervous too. I dont even know who to go and talk to when I get there. So I think that is part of it too. I dont like starting over. I guess. But it is not about me, but about us. This is all about us. And that is what I need to focus on. Lots of people do this tohelp them when they are in the same situation that we are in, and it helped them through it. I must go now. I have to go to my new job. Blah.

I just keep teling myself, one day at a time. I got my letter to go work at the comissary. I am going to have to work some long hours there to get caught up. But I want to help us get over this creavice. So I need to this. I am ready to do this. I am ready to help get us through this. I am ready to move on. I just hope that I can do all of this. I know that I dont have to do the "Charity" work all at once but I would like to get it done with as soon as possibe. It should only take a month, month and a half. And who knows, I might just enjoy it, depending on what I chose to do. But they dont get that very often! I am feeling better today. I got a wonderful email from Aunt Judy today that made me feel realy good about my decision. I wasnt sure I had done the right thing,until she sent me that and now I know for sure that I have done the right thing. I made the right choice. I know that I did. Even though I didnt "win" in the technical sense, I feel like I did cuz now She cant touch me ever again. But I can give Her a little kick in the ass with some phone calls to appropriate deptaments and licensing agencies. Like Steve said at the beginning of this, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Not in the heat of passion (or pain, in this case) but in a calculated, efficient manner. Calculated. I know what I have to do. In my house, in my life, in my choices, in my revenge. Which doesnt even seem like the right word. Because I'm not doing it to HURT Her, but to show Her that She is not aove me. In ANY WAY. Even if She never knows that it was me who made those calls. I dont care about what happens to Her anymore. I really dont. I have no more energy to spend on Her. I am so tired, I am so exhausted and I am moving on. Because I have nothing else to give, and nothing else to lose. Because right now I am starting my climb back up from the bottom. But like I have said before, I can see the end now. I used to look up and see darkness. I knew that I had to go that way anyway, since I couldnt go down any farther, but I couldnt see what I was climbing towards. Now I see it. I see what I need to get to. I can see where I used to be and I plan to get there again, and surpass it.

I feel a little lighter than I have in a long time. I have made a decision and I can start to see the end coming up. But since there must be a damper on everything, I help Tara pack up a UHaul last night. She's moving to Kenai. I am going to miss her. Sometimes I Just think that not everything can be ok at the same time or the world will explode or something. So at least I know that for the next two years nothing TOO bad can happen cuz something that sucks is already happening... Assuming t works that way, which I know it doesnt. Now if we can just get a hold of this First Shirt guy so I can get this jo, we will be back on the right track. I know that Matt is freakin out because he cant get a hold of him. I kinda am to, but I wont let him know that! He is so worried and he is tryig SO hard to be supportive and not be egative or anything towards me. So I appreciate that VERY much cuz I know how much he is trying. So the next step is to get this job and then I can move on from there. But I think that is a good place to move on from.

You know what I sing in my head? Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... Like if I dont I'll drown. Or the blonde joke where she's wearing the headphones at all times and the batteries go dead in her walkman and the blonde dies. Cuz when they listen to the tape it just says Breathe in, Breathe out. I have to remind myself that I am still breathing. I am still (relatively) healthy. There are worse things in this world. I will come out of this. I will. After two years, all of this will e behind me. And it will be something tat I lived through, thatI didnt think I would, but I did, and that's all. Just something that i lived through. When I get to the other side. I can see the other side now. Its a long way off, in the distance. But, I can at least see it.

Of course I really didnt sleep very well last night. I have another meeting this morning. I feel like I have to decide my future today. I know that it is not my whole future but right now that is what it feels like. I havent really been able to sleep since that phone call came on Thursday anyway. I hate to start having to drug myself to make me relax enough to sleep through the night... but I am not sure what else to do. I lay down and I am exhausted but as soon as my head hits that pillow, everything comes rushin into my head. Clients, and questions, and decisions, and worries, and more questions, and even more worries till I just have to get up and go downstairs. Watch something on TV to shut my brain off. I cant seem to do that, shut my brain off. Just for a little whil I just want no thoughts, no worries, no stress. Nothing. An empty brain. That sounds nice... But that isnt going to happen anytime soon. I dont know what to do except to keep trugging along, hoping the uphill struggle will level off soon. It is like a VERY steep hill. I have to keep moving forward, cuz if I go back now, I'll just have to climb this again later, and I dont think I could survive twice. I cant stop beause I will fall and the fall from here would kill me. So All I have left is to keep climbing. Keep wishing for the top of the hill. Or even just a plateau where I could rest for a it. Even if I knew rhere was more climbing to do, at last I could rest, and refresh myself. And then there are all these huge rocks that are blocking the path. And I have to ind ways around them, and sometime I stumble and fall a little because the rock is in my way. Nothing will let me just get oer this and cruise for a while. I guess I did alot of that the last couple of years. No big worries. Just strolling along. And then came this hill. I suppose I was due for a hill. Damned hill.

I cant believe that their visit is already over. How is that possible? Time goes so fast. I cant believe that August is over. I guess it is a little comforting to know that time still goes on. There was a moment where I wasnt really too sure that time would move again. But I have so much more to look forward to. I mean we are going to come home soon. And DisneyWorld. I am so ready for that. To be completely spoiled. No worries. Nothing else exists. I need that! And hockey starts soon. And even though we arent in the best position right now, I know that we will get through this just like I have gotten through everything else. I have to believe that. I do believe that. It just takes time. And since time keeps moving, I know that all will be well. As long as time keeps moving.

Anyway, I cant believe that it is already over. I have looked forward to their visit for so long, it just seems weird that it's already over. I dont even feel like we did anything! I mean we did more than I have done. Lots of cool stuff. I really enjoyed the art museum! I cant believe I had never been there before. And I LOVED the train ride. I wish we could have had some better weather. We did hae a couple good days. Especially when we went to Aleyaska Resort. That was beautiful! And I think that Jackie really won them oer. I was so surprised at how much they liked her. I was a little worried but Jackie can win over anyone! Especially if she got to my dad! I couldnt believe it!

One thing after another. At least it happened AFTER my parents left. I left Steve a message to not deposit that check till Matt got paid. Dammit. I dont know what to do. I really want this business to work. I really do. And I have already put in so much work. So I am going to go work at the commissary part time. And make some extra money. I hate having to ask for help. I wanted this to go so much better thn it is. I know I was expecting too much, I wanted everything right away, and the real world doesnt work that way. And yesterday I got a MySpace message from Danielle. I was molding her into my replacement for when I left the store (Irony sucks) And I really liked her. She is one of the three people I actually miss from that damn place. Anyway, hearing from her, just stirred up feelings that I had been repressing. Mostly how much I mss the people I used to work with. Well, her and Kim and Amber. And then she told me that Amber's dad assed away... And I didnt even know... I just hate Her for doing this to us. For doing this to me. She wanted to make some point, punish me... Fine, I am suffering. She'll never know that so what does it matter? Because She still did it and whether she knows the outcome or not is a moot point. It still happened and we are still broke, and I am so bummed and I have this know in my tomach that hasnt gone away in a month... I just want to go to bed and forget about all this shit.

And the house is quiet again. I think that is the hardest part for me, its not the ghood bye itself. Its coming home and it is so quiet. I miss them already. I think their visit just showed me how much I really want to go back home. I wish that I had never talked Matthew into staying here for 3 extra years. We could be so much closer to home right now. ad I never would have had to go throgh all of this. I almost wish we did get sent to ID. Except now it would be a lot more complicated. And I dont really want to actually move again. What a good visit.

I wish it would quit raining. It has been raining the WHOLE time mom and dad have been here. It kinda sucks. Most of the time you cant even see the mountains. We drove up to Wasilla today. Well, Matt drove us up there. It cleared up long enough to see the mountains, sort of. They were really purple, and the clouds were really white looking so it was pretty cool anyway. It will hopefully be the same up at Denali. Even if it just quits raining, at least that would be better. So one can only hope.

Today is the day... I didnt really sleep last night. I tossed and turned and was afraid that I would wake up Matthew. SO I came downstairs and watch Dog The Bounty Hunter till 2:30ish. I am really tired now. Good going, Emily! And MKatthew didnt even know I was gone. He is doing so much better with his sleeping. He is taking these vitamins called Sleep Now that help to regulate your sleep cycles. And he says that is is working really well. So I feel good about that. I helped him to fel better. And that feels good. Well, I should get some work done before The BX opens. I need to pick up some milk and stuff for breakfast. Then we can maybe go get groceries tomorrow.

We have spent a lot of time cleaning. Hopefully Matthew doesnt mess up all of the cleaning we did! But the carpets look 100% better than they did. We got A LOT of hair ou of the carpets. It was SOOOOO gross. I DO NOT do hair. So bonus knowing that its not in there anymore.

Tomorrow is the day. I cant believe its already here! I am so excited. I will be so stir crazy tomorrow. I will be depserate to find stuff to do. Oh well, I will have plenty to do, I'm sure. I just wish that the British terrorist thing hadnt happened cuz now it will be a pain in the butt again.

All I want is to set up a long distance account. is that so hard? I am so sick of being put on hold. Just activate it. How hard can that be? I want to be able to call my clients without paying ginormous overage fees on the cel phone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is! I have had more strss in the last 24 hours talking to phone companies than I have had all month! This is horrible! I want to give you money to provide a service. So you provide that service, and ten I give you the money. That is how it works. And I would also like to say that I am not too hapy with the Post Office right now either, as they take waaayyy too long to deliver orders. I thinkI am just going to go and get a job... I can deal with that I guess. At least I could leave the frustration behind at whatever crappy job I get and ten come home. Right now, the stress IS at home. I guess I never thought about that part of it. Oh well, I should get back to cleaning, until ACS calls me back about why I cant make long distance calls.

I have spent all day cleaning and shampooing the carpets and my back is killing me!!! But they look SOOOO much better. I've got the kitchen and tidying up the bathrooms and I think that is about it... Oh and my car. Better clean that out too. Matt needs to clean the garage. And his truck. I cant believe it is already time for them to come up. I wish it would quit raining. I hope they get at least a couple of nice days. It has rained allllll day long today. But it does look like it should clear up a bit on Thursday and Friday. Two days to go.

I am getting pretty excited about mom and dad coming up. Matthew and I are cleaning. It seems a good excuse to shampoo the carpet!! I really just meed to see tham. I know that alot of their tension is because they havent seen me since everything happened, but I hope that it will help that they are coming up. I just wish they would chill out a little. All I have been hearing is that they are all upset... So what am I supposed to do? I cant calm them down, because when I tell them things I dont think that what I am saying is actually being heard. We are fine. We arent going broke, and we're not going to. I can walk into anywhere and get a job, but rightnow I want to do something that is for me. Something that I enjoy doing and thats for me. I am not hiding. I am not letting anyone have control oer y life, I just want to do something different. I want to try new things and enjoy life angain. I am not scared to go out, I am not worried about what people are saying about me. know wat the truth is and anyone that matters knows it too. So why should I waste my time on anything or ayone else? Thats all I'm saying. We are not drowning. We are happy. And we are moving on. And we will do what we have to do to do that... everyday. We will pay our debts to those we owe them to, and that is the end of that. So thank you all for your concern but we are fine. And we will be fine. The end. Now, please excuse me, I have some clients to cal...

One month

It seems like it has been a lot longer than month since this all started. One month... I know this much I am DEFINATELY not the same person I was a month ago. I know that I am stronger than what I was. I know that I am less niave. I know that I am more about taking care of myself. I know that I am more than what I was. I know that I am taking care of myself, and doing what is best for me. I know that I am thinking more about the future than I ever have before. And to me, it looks bright. I am advised to do breathing exercises when I feel that I am losing my strength. In with the good. Out with bad. And it really helps. In with the good. Out with the bad. And Its the out with the bad that I am focuses on right now. Im ridding my life of a months' worth of bad. I am changing myself for the better. I am healthier and happier, and I am where I was supposed to be. I truely and completely believe that all of this happened for a reason. I know that I was supposed to go throughthis. I am being prepared for something else. Something more. Because I am supposed to be more. More than what I was only a month ago. I was a child. A niave child, who thought that she was an adult. But I know better now. I am better now. Thanks to some very wonderful people, and some words of advice and a few pick me ups when I needed them.

I wish that this business thing is would pick up qicker. i have to keep telling myself I have been doing this for a whole week and to be patient. But I cant I want to do some real business here. not just training and following leads. Boo. I want more people. MOre distributors. More people to work under me! HeeHee. More! ok. I have calmed down now. I am just excite to get goingand it feels like it has been longer than a week o I feel like I am not doingwell, since in my head it seems like i hav been working for sometime now. Oh well. Patience is a virtue.

I know that according to my now greatly rehearsed "I'm Fine" speech, I should be getting on with it actually being true, and for the most part it really is. 97% of the time I am fine, i dont think about any of the shit that has happened in the last month, and i mostly focus on what I am doing now, but there are those times when the thoughts creep up on me. Mostly at night, when Matt's asleep and I dont have anymore work to do. And my mind wonders. To the things I used to have, The life i used to have. I miss it, sometimes. Of course those things I do miss dont have Her in them. And then She shows up, just sneaks in and ruins everything. I dont know how to stop it. I wish more than anything that I could stop the dreams. The ones where she forgives me and apologizes and everything is back the way it was and I go back to that Store. But even when I know I am supposed to be happy cuz I got everything back, I am never truely happy cuz in the back of my mind, I remember what She did to me. I remember what everyone has done to me, and I wonder how it is that I continue to get up in the morning.

All I want to do is hide forever. And yet I tell everyone that I am "fine". It almost sounds believable, even in my own ears. Maybe that is when it is actually starting to be true. When you can fool your own ears into believeing it. But like i said that is only like 3% of the time. The rest of it I am focused on other things than the amount of betrayal I have endured from people who "loved" me. How can I believe that was ever true? There is only one thing She ever loved and that is money. BUt all these feelings rob me of my sleep. I dont want to sleep anymore because that is when the dreams come to me and I have to she Her face. And His. I have no reason to think that He betrayed me too, but seeing Him reminds me of Her and that is enough.

I wish this were all over so I could just move on with my life. Instead I am forced to wait in limbo, between lives. The life that was shattered and the life I am trying to piece back together. So instead of moving forward I am stuck, holding a few pieces I have managed to pick up but left standing over the shards that used to be my life. Shackled. Not able to turn away. Not able to close my eyes. I've forgotten how to breath. How to live, I only know how to keep standing. All I can do is stand there because as long as I am standing, then i know there is hope that I will be able to move. Because I KNOW that if I fall down, I wont get back up and there I will stay. A prisoner of the past. And a slave to the future. So here I stand. Holding on to my pieces with all the strength I have left. Holding on with all I have left.

http://herbal-nutrition.net/allforthedream

I am just completely and utterly drained. Once everything is done and I can relax, I am going to sleep for 3 days. I am doing everything I can to not get sick but I feel like my head is going to expolde! It almost hurts to blinc my sinuses hurt so bad. My teeth hurt and now my ears are starting again. I know, I know I need to go to a doctor ASAP, but I just dont want to. I have to try to think clearly and I cant focus. It sucks.

Matthew is asleep on the couch. I am afraid to let him sleep during the day, but I'm more afraid NOT to let him sleep. I think he is going to take a sleeping pill again tonight. I think he is goignt o go see somebody about all this. If they can get him something to help him sleep that might be safer than what he is taking now then maybe he can get on a regular schedule again.

I got woken up pretty early this morning. we had a 4.9 earthquake. It scared the bajeezus outta me. I didnt know what was going on cuz of course I was still pretty asleep when I realized it was an earthquake, and one strong enough to wake me up, I kinda freaked out. I was all holdin the sides of my bed, like I was trying to stop it from shakin. Yeah, that helped. Matt's like, calm down its just an earthquake. Yeah calm down, you calm down. So that was fun. It was the strongest one I had ever felt.

We sat down and talked about it. There were some underlying issues that we needed to hash out. It was very emotionally draining , but we worked it out. I let go of some tension that I needed to deal with, and he did too. So he feels better and I can go on tomorrow with out worrying about him, too. So thanks for all the advice. It is appreciated as always.

I dont know what to do about Matthew. Ever since he got home. ha hasnt been himself. I know that he just got back and it takes like a day to ajust for every hour in the time difference, but... I dont know. He keeps saying he is depressed, and I know that he is tired and stuff, but I am worried. I finally got him to take a sleeping pill last night so he would sleep through the whole night, but he just keeps snapping at me. No matter what I do, he just bitchs about it one way or another. I am not the most stable person right now, so I am trying to keep it together. But I dont know how long I can stand this. Today he told me that he was depressed and I told him that if it lasted longer than a week I wanted him to talk to someone. And of course THAT was the WRONG thng to say. But depression can be VERY serious. I know on both an acedemic level and a personal level what it can do to you if you try to ignore it. "It will get better," he says. Maybe it will. But I dont want to take any chances. And he got all upset with me for that conversation. And the day he gets back, of course he freaks out about the credit card balance. I'm sorry, I know that I charged alot on the credit card, but I could have NOT gotten out, and saved the $1000. So he was stressin me about how we were gonna pay that off. I am sorry I really havent thought about the cost of my freedom. I ont know what to tell you. Next time, I will consult you before I spend that large of an amount, but i didnt really have a choice. Well, I guess I had a choice, but I cant handle him right now. He was supposed to come back, and be strong for me so I didnt have to be,and instead I have to deal with his depression mood swings and try to keep positive that my life has not gone completely down the crapper. I can be strong for both of us. I just want to curl up in the corner and cry,but now I have to deal with him too. Him being home was supposed to make this easier,and instead I wish he would go back and be with his friends that he didnt want to leave, and then I can deal with this on my own. I know he had a good time, and I am sorry that he had to come home to a delinquent wife. I'm sorry that I cannot be what he needs right now, but I need him to be there for me. I know this may be a lot to ask, but try to understand. I cannot carry this weight on my own.

Do not guilt me about not having a job, it wasnt my decision. Do not guilt me about putting large sums on the credit card, i had no other choice. And do not gult me because you had to leave Korea, there isnt anything I can do to change that. Dont guilt me that now you like to go out dancing at the clubs, and I lost my clubbin friends. I have to deal with the fact that I lost my friends. I cant listen to all of that right now.

All is well. Though it feels more real now, all is well.

NOw I know I should sleep. Lord knows I will need it come tomorrow. But I cant. I close my eyes and I see her. In the silence of the dark I hear her. My heart longs for a time no so long ago, when I was happy and had everything I needed. Now... Now its different. Is this lesson she wanted me to learn? Who she is. And ultimately who I am? I wanted to stay here. I wanted to make our life here, in this majestic and dangerous state. But here, more than anywhere else, where the majesty ends the danger begins. Now I cannot wait for the next two years to be over so we can move back home, closer to the people who are my world. I knew when I left home that I left my world behind. I forgot that for awhile. Tried to create a good life here. But All I want is to come home, start my family, and plant roots where I know they will be strong. In the ground that has allowed me protection even thousands of miles away.

Who am I? I know more than ever what makes up the person I am. It isnt some cush job, being owned by a woman without a soul. It is with my home. My strength. It is how I know in my heart I have forgiven her because I may recieve my judgement here. I will take what I get, knowing that her judgement is yet to come. Whatever happens to me, will be visited to here hundred fold by a power I have entrusted my fate to. In ten years, I know that I will have moved on. And all of this will be something that happened to me, and I lived through it. And I survived, maybe a little worse for wear, but in tact. But She will still be the same cold, lonely woman. And that is sad. I will never be given a test that I can not handle.

I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.