Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ok so update on hw today went. I was so weirded out for some reason that I could not get myself to go there. I dont know what is going on with me brain! Anyway, when I went there, finally, I talked to the guy and he had me fill out the application. He said it would take about a month, he told me that I just needed to come in and bug him often. I told him that I would be in there everyday if I had to, the sooner the better. He's like, you guys are really hrting huh? I was just like yeah, pretty bad. So he said I could come in on Wednesday and do the two hour training thing and I could get startd by Friday. He was pretty cool and he is gonna let me bypass the waiting list. I think it really does help to smile and be polite. So here we go. I am just praying that, finally, something will go my way. The only thing that I am stressin on right now is if they run a background check. What then? What will show up? Nothing right now, right? I mean it's not like I have ben convicted of anythng, and Steve told me that I could go get a job like a normal person. So I really have no reason to worry cuz Steve said it would be fine. So relax, Emily. But my gift is worrying about everything, til I know that it is a sure thing. Thats why I will have an ulcer or a heart attack or whatever else it can cause.
Today is the first day of my new recovery period. I will go to the comissary today and start my new job. Is it dumb that I feel embarassed about working there? I know it is stupid. It is a job and oe that is going to help us get out of this mess. I think I am a little nervous too. I dont even know who to go and talk to when I get there. So I think that is part of it too. I dont like starting over. I guess. But it is not about me, but about us. This is all about us. And that is what I need to focus on. Lots of people do this tohelp them when they are in the same situation that we are in, and it helped them through it. I must go now. I have to go to my new job. Blah.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I just keep teling myself, one day at a time. I got my letter to go work at the comissary. I am going to have to work some long hours there to get caught up. But I want to help us get over this creavice. So I need to this. I am ready to do this. I am ready to help get us through this. I am ready to move on. I just hope that I can do all of this. I know that I dont have to do the "Charity" work all at once but I would like to get it done with as soon as possibe. It should only take a month, month and a half. And who knows, I might just enjoy it, depending on what I chose to do. But they dont get that very often! I am feeling better today. I got a wonderful email from Aunt Judy today that made me feel realy good about my decision. I wasnt sure I had done the right thing,until she sent me that and now I know for sure that I have done the right thing. I made the right choice. I know that I did. Even though I didnt "win" in the technical sense, I feel like I did cuz now She cant touch me ever again. But I can give Her a little kick in the ass with some phone calls to appropriate deptaments and licensing agencies. Like Steve said at the beginning of this, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Not in the heat of passion (or pain, in this case) but in a calculated, efficient manner. Calculated. I know what I have to do. In my house, in my life, in my choices, in my revenge. Which doesnt even seem like the right word. Because I'm not doing it to HURT Her, but to show Her that She is not aove me. In ANY WAY. Even if She never knows that it was me who made those calls. I dont care about what happens to Her anymore. I really dont. I have no more energy to spend on Her. I am so tired, I am so exhausted and I am moving on. Because I have nothing else to give, and nothing else to lose. Because right now I am starting my climb back up from the bottom. But like I have said before, I can see the end now. I used to look up and see darkness. I knew that I had to go that way anyway, since I couldnt go down any farther, but I couldnt see what I was climbing towards. Now I see it. I see what I need to get to. I can see where I used to be and I plan to get there again, and surpass it.
I feel a little lighter than I have in a long time. I have made a decision and I can start to see the end coming up. But since there must be a damper on everything, I help Tara pack up a UHaul last night. She's moving to Kenai. I am going to miss her. Sometimes I Just think that not everything can be ok at the same time or the world will explode or something. So at least I know that for the next two years nothing TOO bad can happen cuz something that sucks is already happening... Assuming t works that way, which I know it doesnt. Now if we can just get a hold of this First Shirt guy so I can get this jo, we will be back on the right track. I know that Matt is freakin out because he cant get a hold of him. I kinda am to, but I wont let him know that! He is so worried and he is tryig SO hard to be supportive and not be egative or anything towards me. So I appreciate that VERY much cuz I know how much he is trying. So the next step is to get this job and then I can move on from there. But I think that is a good place to move on from.

Monday, August 28, 2006

You know what I sing in my head? Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... Like if I dont I'll drown. Or the blonde joke where she's wearing the headphones at all times and the batteries go dead in her walkman and the blonde dies. Cuz when they listen to the tape it just says Breathe in, Breathe out. I have to remind myself that I am still breathing. I am still (relatively) healthy. There are worse things in this world. I will come out of this. I will. After two years, all of this will e behind me. And it will be something tat I lived through, thatI didnt think I would, but I did, and that's all. Just something that i lived through. When I get to the other side. I can see the other side now. Its a long way off, in the distance. But, I can at least see it.
Of course I really didnt sleep very well last night. I have another meeting this morning. I feel like I have to decide my future today. I know that it is not my whole future but right now that is what it feels like. I havent really been able to sleep since that phone call came on Thursday anyway. I hate to start having to drug myself to make me relax enough to sleep through the night... but I am not sure what else to do. I lay down and I am exhausted but as soon as my head hits that pillow, everything comes rushin into my head. Clients, and questions, and decisions, and worries, and more questions, and even more worries till I just have to get up and go downstairs. Watch something on TV to shut my brain off. I cant seem to do that, shut my brain off. Just for a little whil I just want no thoughts, no worries, no stress. Nothing. An empty brain. That sounds nice... But that isnt going to happen anytime soon. I dont know what to do except to keep trugging along, hoping the uphill struggle will level off soon. It is like a VERY steep hill. I have to keep moving forward, cuz if I go back now, I'll just have to climb this again later, and I dont think I could survive twice. I cant stop beause I will fall and the fall from here would kill me. So All I have left is to keep climbing. Keep wishing for the top of the hill. Or even just a plateau where I could rest for a it. Even if I knew rhere was more climbing to do, at last I could rest, and refresh myself. And then there are all these huge rocks that are blocking the path. And I have to ind ways around them, and sometime I stumble and fall a little because the rock is in my way. Nothing will let me just get oer this and cruise for a while. I guess I did alot of that the last couple of years. No big worries. Just strolling along. And then came this hill. I suppose I was due for a hill. Damned hill.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I cant believe that their visit is already over. How is that possible? Time goes so fast. I cant believe that August is over. I guess it is a little comforting to know that time still goes on. There was a moment where I wasnt really too sure that time would move again. But I have so much more to look forward to. I mean we are going to come home soon. And DisneyWorld. I am so ready for that. To be completely spoiled. No worries. Nothing else exists. I need that! And hockey starts soon. And even though we arent in the best position right now, I know that we will get through this just like I have gotten through everything else. I have to believe that. I do believe that. It just takes time. And since time keeps moving, I know that all will be well. As long as time keeps moving.

Anyway, I cant believe that it is already over. I have looked forward to their visit for so long, it just seems weird that it's already over. I dont even feel like we did anything! I mean we did more than I have done. Lots of cool stuff. I really enjoyed the art museum! I cant believe I had never been there before. And I LOVED the train ride. I wish we could have had some better weather. We did hae a couple good days. Especially when we went to Aleyaska Resort. That was beautiful! And I think that Jackie really won them oer. I was so surprised at how much they liked her. I was a little worried but Jackie can win over anyone! Especially if she got to my dad! I couldnt believe it!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

One thing after another. At least it happened AFTER my parents left. I left Steve a message to not deposit that check till Matt got paid. Dammit. I dont know what to do. I really want this business to work. I really do. And I have already put in so much work. So I am going to go work at the commissary part time. And make some extra money. I hate having to ask for help. I wanted this to go so much better thn it is. I know I was expecting too much, I wanted everything right away, and the real world doesnt work that way. And yesterday I got a MySpace message from Danielle. I was molding her into my replacement for when I left the store (Irony sucks) And I really liked her. She is one of the three people I actually miss from that damn place. Anyway, hearing from her, just stirred up feelings that I had been repressing. Mostly how much I mss the people I used to work with. Well, her and Kim and Amber. And then she told me that Amber's dad assed away... And I didnt even know... I just hate Her for doing this to us. For doing this to me. She wanted to make some point, punish me... Fine, I am suffering. She'll never know that so what does it matter? Because She still did it and whether she knows the outcome or not is a moot point. It still happened and we are still broke, and I am so bummed and I have this know in my tomach that hasnt gone away in a month... I just want to go to bed and forget about all this shit.
And the house is quiet again. I think that is the hardest part for me, its not the ghood bye itself. Its coming home and it is so quiet. I miss them already. I think their visit just showed me how much I really want to go back home. I wish that I had never talked Matthew into staying here for 3 extra years. We could be so much closer to home right now. ad I never would have had to go throgh all of this. I almost wish we did get sent to ID. Except now it would be a lot more complicated. And I dont really want to actually move again. What a good visit.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I wish it would quit raining. It has been raining the WHOLE time mom and dad have been here. It kinda sucks. Most of the time you cant even see the mountains. We drove up to Wasilla today. Well, Matt drove us up there. It cleared up long enough to see the mountains, sort of. They were really purple, and the clouds were really white looking so it was pretty cool anyway. It will hopefully be the same up at Denali. Even if it just quits raining, at least that would be better. So one can only hope.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Today is the day... I didnt really sleep last night. I tossed and turned and was afraid that I would wake up Matthew. SO I came downstairs and watch Dog The Bounty Hunter till 2:30ish. I am really tired now. Good going, Emily! And MKatthew didnt even know I was gone. He is doing so much better with his sleeping. He is taking these vitamins called Sleep Now that help to regulate your sleep cycles. And he says that is is working really well. So I feel good about that. I helped him to fel better. And that feels good. Well, I should get some work done before The BX opens. I need to pick up some milk and stuff for breakfast. Then we can maybe go get groceries tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

We have spent a lot of time cleaning. Hopefully Matthew doesnt mess up all of the cleaning we did! But the carpets look 100% better than they did. We got A LOT of hair ou of the carpets. It was SOOOOO gross. I DO NOT do hair. So bonus knowing that its not in there anymore.

Tomorrow is the day. I cant believe its already here! I am so excited. I will be so stir crazy tomorrow. I will be depserate to find stuff to do. Oh well, I will have plenty to do, I'm sure. I just wish that the British terrorist thing hadnt happened cuz now it will be a pain in the butt again.
All I want is to set up a long distance account. is that so hard? I am so sick of being put on hold. Just activate it. How hard can that be? I want to be able to call my clients without paying ginormous overage fees on the cel phone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is! I have had more strss in the last 24 hours talking to phone companies than I have had all month! This is horrible! I want to give you money to provide a service. So you provide that service, and ten I give you the money. That is how it works. And I would also like to say that I am not too hapy with the Post Office right now either, as they take waaayyy too long to deliver orders. I thinkI am just going to go and get a job... I can deal with that I guess. At least I could leave the frustration behind at whatever crappy job I get and ten come home. Right now, the stress IS at home. I guess I never thought about that part of it. Oh well, I should get back to cleaning, until ACS calls me back about why I cant make long distance calls.

Monday, August 14, 2006

I have spent all day cleaning and shampooing the carpets and my back is killing me!!! But they look SOOOO much better. I've got the kitchen and tidying up the bathrooms and I think that is about it... Oh and my car. Better clean that out too. Matt needs to clean the garage. And his truck. I cant believe it is already time for them to come up. I wish it would quit raining. I hope they get at least a couple of nice days. It has rained allllll day long today. But it does look like it should clear up a bit on Thursday and Friday. Two days to go.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I am getting pretty excited about mom and dad coming up. Matthew and I are cleaning. It seems a good excuse to shampoo the carpet!! I really just meed to see tham. I know that alot of their tension is because they havent seen me since everything happened, but I hope that it will help that they are coming up. I just wish they would chill out a little. All I have been hearing is that they are all upset... So what am I supposed to do? I cant calm them down, because when I tell them things I dont think that what I am saying is actually being heard. We are fine. We arent going broke, and we're not going to. I can walk into anywhere and get a job, but rightnow I want to do something that is for me. Something that I enjoy doing and thats for me. I am not hiding. I am not letting anyone have control oer y life, I just want to do something different. I want to try new things and enjoy life angain. I am not scared to go out, I am not worried about what people are saying about me. know wat the truth is and anyone that matters knows it too. So why should I waste my time on anything or ayone else? Thats all I'm saying. We are not drowning. We are happy. And we are moving on. And we will do what we have to do to do that... everyday. We will pay our debts to those we owe them to, and that is the end of that. So thank you all for your concern but we are fine. And we will be fine. The end. Now, please excuse me, I have some clients to cal...

Friday, August 11, 2006

One month

It seems like it has been a lot longer than month since this all started. One month... I know this much I am DEFINATELY not the same person I was a month ago. I know that I am stronger than what I was. I know that I am less niave. I know that I am more about taking care of myself. I know that I am more than what I was. I know that I am taking care of myself, and doing what is best for me. I know that I am thinking more about the future than I ever have before. And to me, it looks bright. I am advised to do breathing exercises when I feel that I am losing my strength. In with the good. Out with bad. And it really helps. In with the good. Out with the bad. And Its the out with the bad that I am focuses on right now. Im ridding my life of a months' worth of bad. I am changing myself for the better. I am healthier and happier, and I am where I was supposed to be. I truely and completely believe that all of this happened for a reason. I know that I was supposed to go throughthis. I am being prepared for something else. Something more. Because I am supposed to be more. More than what I was only a month ago. I was a child. A niave child, who thought that she was an adult. But I know better now. I am better now. Thanks to some very wonderful people, and some words of advice and a few pick me ups when I needed them.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I wish that this business thing is would pick up qicker. i have to keep telling myself I have been doing this for a whole week and to be patient. But I cant I want to do some real business here. not just training and following leads. Boo. I want more people. MOre distributors. More people to work under me! HeeHee. More! ok. I have calmed down now. I am just excite to get goingand it feels like it has been longer than a week o I feel like I am not doingwell, since in my head it seems like i hav been working for sometime now. Oh well. Patience is a virtue.

Monday, August 07, 2006

I know that according to my now greatly rehearsed "I'm Fine" speech, I should be getting on with it actually being true, and for the most part it really is. 97% of the time I am fine, i dont think about any of the shit that has happened in the last month, and i mostly focus on what I am doing now, but there are those times when the thoughts creep up on me. Mostly at night, when Matt's asleep and I dont have anymore work to do. And my mind wonders. To the things I used to have, The life i used to have. I miss it, sometimes. Of course those things I do miss dont have Her in them. And then She shows up, just sneaks in and ruins everything. I dont know how to stop it. I wish more than anything that I could stop the dreams. The ones where she forgives me and apologizes and everything is back the way it was and I go back to that Store. But even when I know I am supposed to be happy cuz I got everything back, I am never truely happy cuz in the back of my mind, I remember what She did to me. I remember what everyone has done to me, and I wonder how it is that I continue to get up in the morning.

All I want to do is hide forever. And yet I tell everyone that I am "fine". It almost sounds believable, even in my own ears. Maybe that is when it is actually starting to be true. When you can fool your own ears into believeing it. But like i said that is only like 3% of the time. The rest of it I am focused on other things than the amount of betrayal I have endured from people who "loved" me. How can I believe that was ever true? There is only one thing She ever loved and that is money. BUt all these feelings rob me of my sleep. I dont want to sleep anymore because that is when the dreams come to me and I have to she Her face. And His. I have no reason to think that He betrayed me too, but seeing Him reminds me of Her and that is enough.

I wish this were all over so I could just move on with my life. Instead I am forced to wait in limbo, between lives. The life that was shattered and the life I am trying to piece back together. So instead of moving forward I am stuck, holding a few pieces I have managed to pick up but left standing over the shards that used to be my life. Shackled. Not able to turn away. Not able to close my eyes. I've forgotten how to breath. How to live, I only know how to keep standing. All I can do is stand there because as long as I am standing, then i know there is hope that I will be able to move. Because I KNOW that if I fall down, I wont get back up and there I will stay. A prisoner of the past. And a slave to the future. So here I stand. Holding on to my pieces with all the strength I have left. Holding on with all I have left.