Sunday, November 30, 2008


I guess it has been awhile since I actually blogged anything. I have been keeping pretty busy with Matthew having a 5 day weekend. We had a good Thanksgiving. We had fun at Craig's. His cabin was amazing and the view was even better. We have gotten an insane amount of snow today and yesterday. I tried to go to work today, and I was so scared. I don't know why I thought I could leave the house. I couldn't find the road, I couldn't see in front of me. I should have known when people were getting stuck on our road. So I made it just past Hanger 5 and turned around. I was so scared by the time I got home. I couldn't get down our road. I couldn't get into our driveway. When i finally got in the house I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't want to get out of the truck, but I was afraid to drive... I should never have tried, but Misters needed wipes so I went. Good thing it stopped snowing cuz we don't have any food to eat if we were stuck in the house.

We still haven't sold the damn Saturn. I am starting to freak a bit. Matthew doesn't seem to be too concerned since he hasn't called that dude who seemed to be very interested in it.

Misters is making leaps and bounds lately. He pulled himself up to his feet yesterday. It was pretty exciting. He is SOOOO close to crawling, he just hasn't caught on to the moving of the hands part. He is getting pretty good at feeding himself now. He likes to do it. If I don't let him use the spoon, he gets mad. So I got him these spoons that have notches in them so he can dip it in the food and feed himself. It takes a while for him to eat, but he is getting better.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Unloading my camera while I have time...

How weird do these doors look?

We put the closet doors back up, while I put the doors back up, and they look weird. After 4 years of them NOT being up, its just strange to see them.

To make up for a late Picture Day

This is servinga reminder that Picture Thursday WILL BE DELAYED until Friday due to the Thanksgiving holiday. So to make up for that I have posted a couple videos to tide you over.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So I went down to the courthouse today. I figured it was best to do it in person. I hope that everything is done now. I guess I have no reason to believe that it is. The last time I thought it was over, I got a stupid notice in the mail. But the girl said that she had what she needed. I asked her like 4 times if that was everything that I needed to do, and she said that there wasn't anything she could see. I don't trust that either. This is so frustrating. I just want my "conviction" set aside so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I am so sick of this.

Please send out good thought that this dude will buy the Vue tomorrow. Matthew is taking it to have him test drive it. I just want to get rid of this thing. I don't care if we make any money on it. I will give it to him for what we owe on it. We are running out of time, and I don't know what we will do if we don't get the damn thing sold. So pray that we do, otherwise Matthew may have to drive home afterall. Why does everything have to be so hard?
I am looking for something like a table that Hayden can sit up at and play. Like an activity table or something. So if you could keep an eye out. I only see stuff for standing. Ideally, if they make something that would adjust heights or something. I haven't found anything. I thought it might help him sit up longer. He sits pretty well, but then loses interest and falls over so I was looking for something to keep his attention for longer.

Monday, November 24, 2008

This Is Bullshit.

So after calling the Courthouse this morning, and talking to THREE different people, I have found out that no one knows why I received that notice in the mail on Friday. According to my case file, everything has been paid. Of course, I know this being as that I have the receipts proving that fact. According to their computers, my case has been dismissed and as far as they could tell, I didn't matter to the court system anymore. SO, I have two choices. I can go down to the courthouse, which I don't want to do cuz its a pain in the ass, and bring copies of my receipts and show them what, as far as I can tell, is already IN my file. Or I could send in copies of the form I received, copies of my receipts, and a letter asking that I be notified if there is anything further that I owe. Which there isn't. So I don't understand what is going on here. Apparently, there was some sort of oversight, or a box didn't get checked, I don't know. Its all a waste of my time and the taxpayer's dollar. I love the system. Its all in their computer. Its all in my file, why do I still have to do this? So, I choose to do BOTH options. I will go down to the courthouse, and I will show them my receipts, and I will show them my judgment and show them all of these things that I know are already there cuz 3 different people told me so this morning! So I get this worthless, meaningless letter in the mail that tosses my world upside down, again. That sends me over an edge that I have been teetering on for a couple weeks now. For NOTHING!!!!! Nothing. No one can tell me why I was collapsed on my bed crying in desperation... Because of some stupid mistake in some bureaucratic red tape.

Sitting up

Friday, November 21, 2008

When will this end?

So I had a true nervous break down today. Here's why:

Went out to get the mail this afternoon. (About 4ish) There was a letter from the State. "What could this be?" I ask myself. Thinking it must be final paperwork or something. Boy, was I wrong. It was a notice of non-payment of my restitution. The money I "owed" that woman. The restitution that was paid oh about a year and a half ago. Bullshit, I owe her anymore money. So for this whole time I have kept EVERY SINGLE piece of paper that was in reference to this disaster. When my Probation expired, and I had received my letter releasing me, I had Matthew take all those papers and shred them. What do I need them for? Turns out I needed them for this f**king letter I got today. I flipped. I completely lost it. I had it shredded and I had no idea how to get a copy. (By now its 4:23 pm) I called Steve (my lawyer), I called the probation office, I called the court house where i paid the money in the first place. Of course the hours at the court house are 8:30 to 4:30 so I kept getting transferred to voicemail that didn't exist. I called mom hoping I sent the paperwork to her. Nope. string by string, my grip on my control, and sanity, are snapping. I don't know what to do. I left messages with everyone I could, so now I have to wait by the phone for someone, ANYONE, to return my call. I decide to go upstairs and wake Matthew. HE has been really sick, but I needed him to calm me down. So I explain this letter and how I shouldn't have had him shred all that stuff. "I didn't shred it." "WHAT?!" "I didn't shred it. I didn't think I should." I lost it. I collapsed in a fit of bawling. I couldn't stop myself. I cried for a good 5 minutes. I lost it. He saved me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought I was going to have to go back to court. I thought I was going to have to pay that awful woman another$500 that I never owed her in the first place. I cant even describe the feeling of relief I had at that moment.

When is this shit going to be over? Shit keeps popping up. I don't need this right now. I don't need this added stress. I feel like I have paid for this mistake 1000 times over. I get it. I screwed up. I trusted the wrong person. I get it. I have learned to be a bit more cynical of people, but I have moved on. Just leave me alone. 61 days. 61 days and I can get the hell out of here. So I will go down to the courthouse on Monday and hand deliver the receipt that proves it has already been paid, and I will make sure this is the last thing, that needs to be taken care of. Cuz in 61 days I am not going to be able to hop a plane and go to court. I am so f**king sick of this.

"Look What I Have!"

Wow, I didnt know these were so dark! I'll try to get new ones.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Its so exciting to think that in 64 days we will be on a plane home. Not for a visit. Not for two weeks and its back on a plane. For good. I don't have to have another 12 hour flight day. I am so happy right now. For this brief moment in the midst of this stressful chaos, I am happy. Because I know what is waiting for me. For us. I am so very happy right now. Whatever comes, and I am scared beyond belief at that thought, we will be home. I have been waiting for this for so long. Do I wish it could have been before Christmas? Yes, very much so. But on the other hand, I keep thinking about all the things I don't have to miss anymore. Birthdays and graduations. Baptisms and holidays. Things I have had to live with just hearing about, or seeing pictures... I don't work that way, you know? I am so very excited. I know this feeling is fleeting, for the next about 64 days. Till we are on the ground in Moline, safe and sound. Then I can be VERY excited.
A couple notes on Misters. He is eating really well. I think we need to get a highchair. I wanted to put it off until we came home, but its getting really annoying, feeding him in the Bumbo cuz he bends backwards and turns around and blah, blah, blah. H

He is enjoying this new screaming phase. I was hoping (praying) that it would be short lived, but its not. He thinks its fun. Its the MOST when Mommy is in the middle of Target and he starts screaming. People start staring, thinking he is mad, but that doesn't really bother me. In fact, I get a bit of a kick out of it because while he is screaming, I cant stop laughing. I know he is just talking, and it is SO loud I cant help but laugh, which is why I enjoy other people's reactions cuz I don't know if they are more concerned with the baby screaming or the mother who's LAUGHING at her screaming baby. Which ever, doesn't matter to me. But this lady came up to me, probably wanting to indirectly get me to calm my baby, and said "He just isn't happy, is he?" I knew what she was doing, and I was a bit annoyed, cuz where does she get off questioning me, but whatever, I was just like "Actually he is VERY happy, he's just letting everyone know it." She gave me this look and walked away. I am sure she probably thought I was being sarcastic, but I wasn't.

He has started this new thing where he gets a toy and holds it as high as he can above his head. Like he's saying "Hey, look what I got!" Its really cute. It doesn't matter what it is, if he had to work to get it, he will hold it up in the air for all to see. He sits up so good now. It is about 1000 times easier to give that child a bath now that he sits on his own! It is easier to put his coat on too.

Matthew should be getting his orders on Monday next week. So we will be able to start booking flights and setting TMO dates and such things. So we will know when exactly we will be home. Exciting, huh?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Finding His Voice

I call these videos "Finding His Voice"

Here, he was pulling himself up to try and get his cereal boxes. He was up on his knees, its the closest he has gotten to pulling up.

And a battle will ensue over a play mat.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


So I am in love with Christmas, I always have been (except for those dark Wal-Mart years) So I put up the decorations, not the tree, but the rest of the decorations. And I have been listening to Christmas music, cuz I figured its only two weeks early. I don't care. Hayden likes the music. He laughs and tries to sing. Its adorable. I love Christmas. And I cant wait for him to get older so we can decorate cookies and leave them for Santa. And start our own traditions. And I am so excited. Misters is going to have so much fun. Maybe I'll be the one having so much fun. Whatever, its still exciting. Anyway, I decided to wait to put the tree up otherwise it will be two months of yelling at Kitties and Babies to stay out of the tree. And that is stress I don't really need to invite on myself. We aren't putting up he Retarded outside lights, which I'm kinda sad about. We aren't bringing them with either, so we are leaving the Retarded lights. Boo. But I understand why, we may not even need outside lights for awhile, who knows.

One thing I forgot.

Hayden thinks its so funny to pee without his diaper on, that he will do it every chance he gets, and if I am not fast enough, he'll do it numerous times. He is having a bit of trouble with his foreskin trying to reattach so I have to pull it back and put vaseline on it so it will heal properly, and that takes time, which he takes FULL advatage of. He is such a boy, I swear!

New Videos and 6 month appointment

A conversation with Hayden. You KNOW he thinks he is saying words, and he is starting to interchange his sounds so he it is like he is having a conversation so he'll say "mamamamamama." and then YELL and then "mamamamam" and then motorboat and then YELL... so it is realty adorable, especially when he does it to Jackie cuz she'll just sit there and look at him, like she knows what he is saying.

More of the same but around 23 seconds he starts to do the thing where he chews on his bottom lip and it puffs out his cheeks. He is just too damn adorable!

Hayden had his 6 month appointment today. He is 17 lbs and some ounces I want to say 2 or 3 ounces. I didn't write it down cuz I thought I would remember. He is 26 1/2 inches long. So he has jumped up from the 25th percentile to the 50th. Which they said could happen cuz he was on the small side and started solid foods so a jump like that is not anything to be concerned about. I figure his body finally just caught up with his head, which has always been in the 50th percentile. He got the first dose of the Flu shot so he has to go back in in 30 days to get the other half. Still no HiB... But they say he is very healthy and very happy (which I had NO worries about!) He does have a couple patches of dry skin on his belly so I need to crank up the humidifier in his room. Guess that's all for now, sounds like he is awake from his nap, gotta go!

Oh! and he drinks his juicies from a sippie cup now! He is really getting the hang of it. He is mad when the juice is gone and I take the cup away, so I give him a little water.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

last ones

More Videos!

I have been falling behind on posting videos. so you will be having quite the Movie Monday! As I write this Misters is doing his new thing whee he sucks on his bottom lip and it puffs out his cheeks, it is so adorable. And he is trying to pay with the keyboard, so here is a message from Misters, mtxhm vbngfxFSseategu,ikgkufhmnh ,idyf.ou.kfsrngfxcz.ik,uf.

Hayden crawled over to the movie rack and picked out a movie. Usually, he chooses The Little Mermaid, this time he apparently wanted a bit more action.

Playing in his toy basket.

Chasing me: He has a HUGE interest in the camera now. He wants to have it, take pictures, chew on it, so I am being chased by the Misters.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Hockey Videos

A little pee-wee hockey first

A little fighting...

And a little more...(Warning: this one is shakey at the beginning cuz Matthew was holding Misters and he kept trying to get the camera)

More cuteness

More videos

Halloween video

California Baby

Oh, goodness. So we didn't put up the Christmas decorations because we decided to wait till the last minute to have TMO come and pack us up. Like a week before we are set to leave. Same thing with the truck, we are just going to wait as long as we can and then prolly rent a car for the last few days since Matthew will have a lot of running around to do. We sorted through a bunch of stuff in the basement. And I have an overflowing box of donation stuff. So I felt pretty good about that... We listened to Christmas music all day today. It made us miss WDW. Almost a year to go. We are getting so excited.

Misters has been doing really well with the solid foods. His favorites are sweet potatoes, squash (also Mommy's favorite) and peas. He seems to be hit and miss on the carrots. He liked them yesterday, but today he would fake cough every time I gave him a spoonful. That's his idea of covering up that he;s spitting them out. He is so smart. And a little sneaky for a baby. I am completely serious, cuz he does the same thing with green beans, he turns his head, "coughs" and when he turns backs he's got it down his front. LOL. And tonight, it was SO hilarious cuz I was making him eat the carrots (I later figured out it was cuz they were still cold from the fridge.) and I gave him a spoonful, and he pounded his fist on the tray, and just gave me this look like, "Mom, what the heck? I don't want those!" It was SOOOOO funny because of the pounding of the fist. I am so glad Matthew was in the kitchen and got to see it too. The down side is the new foods are giving him some serious diaper rash. Today, he went poopy and his butt was SOOOOOO red and raw that a little spot was bleeding! I was freaking out. But I bought some California Baby Diaper Rash Cream, and it worked AMAZING. I put it on after the bad poopy, and by the VERY NEXT DIAPER CHANGE, the redness was almost gone. BY THE VERY NEXT CHANGE!!!! Like MAYBE a half an hour later. I am amazed and I will recommend it to everyone, and I think I shall start using all the California Baby stuff. I have read some great things about the brand, but I could never find it, and I didn't bother to order it... but I found it, where else, at Target, so I bought it. And I tried it, and I LOVE it. Hooray for California Baby. It has saved Misters' Butt!

Friday, November 07, 2008


I need to get out of my own head. I know that a lot of it comes from the fact that when I am scrubbing and sorting and patching, I have nothing else to do but think. I just cant shut it off. So every thought turns into a million thought and most of them aren't pleasant. A note to Mom, to whom I am sure this sounds familiar, I have yet to develop a fake fight with Matthew. And this is also being filed under the "turning into my Father" category. But I cant stop this negative, panic-y line of thinking. And it is stressing me out. And it is taking its toll on me, because where the invisible sunburn pain has subsided, the numbness is getting worse. I just want this to be over with. I want to be done with this move. I want to stop stressing about the fact that we are moving into the civilian world that sucks, not that this is a silver spoon environment. I just want to do well by Hayden. I know I will spend my life worrying about him, but right now its taking its toll on me. I made an appointment but I cant get in till the 18th. And that is to just get a referral to neurology, who knows when I will actually be able to get in there. I am thinking about going to the ER, hoping that would streamline the process but I don't know what I would do with the Misters. Especially if I have to undergo treatments cuz those steroids screw me up. And that isn't even considering what I would do with him for the three hours a day for 3 days. But I cant go around with numb fingers if there is something I could do about it. I am just sorry this has to happen right now. Like I don't have enough to worry about/do right now. Now I have to worry about trying to fit in chemical druggings too.

I have decided that I am going to be a hermit. I want to build a shack in the woods that is mine and no one can take it away. I want to disappear until I know it is safe to show back up. I need to quit watching TV and listening to people talk, and just keep the idealistic hope that everything will work out. I don't know. I'm scared. I have no faith in our country. I am so jaded and so cynical... I wish I could believe that things will get batter, but I don't believe that so I am more inclined to believe the negative predictions and the worse the predictions the more I believe it. Which may be a result of my negative thinking the past few weeks, which I addressed in a previous post. But I will work to become optimistic, but before I focus on the country, which I cant do right now. I have to retrain my brain to focus on the three people who live in this house. Because, right now, they are the only people who matter. I'm sorry, no, not sorry, its the truth. I have 3 people to to take care of, and that is my focus. Whatever happens, my focus is going to remain on Hayden, Matthew and myself. And I think that is where I have been going wrong. I keep worrying about the bigger world around us and by doing so, I have made my stress as big as that world. If I focus on the three of us, then my stress will shrink, theoretically, anyway.

I want to introduce MY Gov. Srah Palin

This is a 4 part interview that she did with Bob Lester on the Bob and Mark Morning Show. THIS is the Gov. Palin I know, the Sarah Palin I voted for. I didnt like the woman I saw on the National Stage. That wasnt my Gov. Palin. She doesnt need to be "Managed". I hope you cast away what you have seen, because while she was on the National level, I saw GLIMPSES of our Governor, which means you probably didnt see her until she went "Rogue".

But its over. Here we go into unknown territory.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Yikes! Job time.

I just applied for a job in Rockford. Yep, I did. Kinda scary. Like it makes it real, you know? Like I know that I am searching for a job, and in 76 days or so, I am going to need a job! I am jsust, I dont know, freaking a little. Not TOO much yet, but still a little bit. It is getting so close. If anyone would like to find us somewhere to live, i wont argue with that! LOL. But I did apply for a job, the one at KinderCare. I am pretty excited about it.

I have officially sorted through all my clothes, and I have a good box of donations. I said a quiet apology whenever I through in something that someone gave me. I am trying to be strong about this so I can get rid of some of the stuff that I never wear. I think I did pretty good, really. Like I said I have a nice sized box of stuff to donate. I am just getting so nervous.

And I know that the stress is getting to me cuz my fingers have gone numb. I have had that happen before, and I have had it happen because my back was out, but I know this is different cuz its more than tingling, its numb. I tried it out with cold, and its in both hands. I don't believe there is anything that they can do about this. If I did make an appointment they will probably want to do another MRI, which I probably need anyway, since it has been over two years since my last one, and I might as well do it while it is free, right? But the good news is that the nerve pain has subsided, for the most part, my neck is still a little sensitive. That sucked pretty bad. I have had some pain before, but that sucked. I guess I'll suck it up and call tomorrow to see what I need to do to get an MRI. Prolly have to go in to Family Practice to get a referral. That's awesome, Matthew will just have to find a ride to work I guess. Its a very weird sensation, not being able to feel the pads of your fingers. I can feel all around except right on the pads of 8 of my fingers (my thumbs seem to be fine right now) so I have to use the tips of my fingers, to type for example, otherwise I don't know what I am doing. Very strange.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Some updates

I hope this nerve thing is temporary. It is spreading though. Earlier it was just a patch about the size of my fist, that was so sensitive that it felt like a REALLY bad sunburn. So much so that I had to hold my shirt off my chest. As the night went on it spread across my chest, and up my left shoulder. I can best describe it as the worst sunburn you have ever had but without the heat. I've felt it before, usually it happens to my forearms, never y chest. Hopefully it doesn't stick around or I wont be wearing a shirt for awhile, but Hayden doesn't know he's hurting Mommy when he lays his head down on my chest, or when he plays with my shirt collar. Poor little baby.

I will be sending out pictures that we got taken on Friday. I will pick them up in a couple weeks.

We may have come full circle back to Rockford. I haven't decided how I feel about it, but I DO know that any real decision we come to will be ok with me at this point because this unknown thing is to stressful for me. If we decide on Rockford, at least that gives us a direction to focus in, you know?

We got an invitation for Thanksgiving. Craig (one of the Season Ticket Holders who sits in front of us) invited us to come and have Thanksgiving with them. So I think we are going to go. It should be a lot of fun. And he wants to take Hayden on his first sled ride (I am still unsure if this is sledding or "Alaskan Sledding" which means snow machine ((snow mobile to you Outsiders)) ) Either way, I trust Craig. And he is excited that we will be spending Hayden's 1st Thanksgiving with them. He just adores Misters (who doesn't?). Yesterday, Cathy (& Craig) were talking about how disappointed they were that they wouldn't get to watch Hayden grow up. But it should be a good time.

Misters is getting to be VERY mobile. He still doesn't get up on all fours (which I never figured he would do anyway) But he gets to where he wants to go, and he gets there FAST. He is still doing the twisting inch worm thing, but it is working for him and I think he is perfecting it cuz one minute he is by the table the next minute I look and he is in the living room trying to eat the DVDs. Or in the kitty's toy box. When he wants to get in his Bouncer, he'll go over to it and pull on the seat to let us know that he wants to get up in it. He cant quite sit by himself yet, but he is getting close. If you sit him up he'll sit for a few seconds and then he'll either fold forward or fall over, but he is sitting for longer and longer. And if we stand him up, he'll support himself VERY well. If he wants to stand up, he'll make his way to the wicker box in the living room and pound on the side of it. He likes to hang onto your fingers so he can stand. Like this picture.

Still no teeth. He has his 6 month appointment on the 13th (ten days before 7 months). I am interested to see how much he has gained from the 23rd. He feels bigger. He is eating so much. He LOVES oatmeal and peaches. We're giving him more actual fruit so we can cut down on juice. Since the only reason he was having the juice was because he wasn't eating solids yet, so now that he is, we don't have to give him the juice. He should be ready to have a good Thanksgiving meal! :)