Thursday, July 27, 2006

I am just completely and utterly drained. Once everything is done and I can relax, I am going to sleep for 3 days. I am doing everything I can to not get sick but I feel like my head is going to expolde! It almost hurts to blinc my sinuses hurt so bad. My teeth hurt and now my ears are starting again. I know, I know I need to go to a doctor ASAP, but I just dont want to. I have to try to think clearly and I cant focus. It sucks.

Matthew is asleep on the couch. I am afraid to let him sleep during the day, but I'm more afraid NOT to let him sleep. I think he is going to take a sleeping pill again tonight. I think he is goignt o go see somebody about all this. If they can get him something to help him sleep that might be safer than what he is taking now then maybe he can get on a regular schedule again.

I got woken up pretty early this morning. we had a 4.9 earthquake. It scared the bajeezus outta me. I didnt know what was going on cuz of course I was still pretty asleep when I realized it was an earthquake, and one strong enough to wake me up, I kinda freaked out. I was all holdin the sides of my bed, like I was trying to stop it from shakin. Yeah, that helped. Matt's like, calm down its just an earthquake. Yeah calm down, you calm down. So that was fun. It was the strongest one I had ever felt.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

We sat down and talked about it. There were some underlying issues that we needed to hash out. It was very emotionally draining , but we worked it out. I let go of some tension that I needed to deal with, and he did too. So he feels better and I can go on tomorrow with out worrying about him, too. So thanks for all the advice. It is appreciated as always.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I dont know what to do about Matthew. Ever since he got home. ha hasnt been himself. I know that he just got back and it takes like a day to ajust for every hour in the time difference, but... I dont know. He keeps saying he is depressed, and I know that he is tired and stuff, but I am worried. I finally got him to take a sleeping pill last night so he would sleep through the whole night, but he just keeps snapping at me. No matter what I do, he just bitchs about it one way or another. I am not the most stable person right now, so I am trying to keep it together. But I dont know how long I can stand this. Today he told me that he was depressed and I told him that if it lasted longer than a week I wanted him to talk to someone. And of course THAT was the WRONG thng to say. But depression can be VERY serious. I know on both an acedemic level and a personal level what it can do to you if you try to ignore it. "It will get better," he says. Maybe it will. But I dont want to take any chances. And he got all upset with me for that conversation. And the day he gets back, of course he freaks out about the credit card balance. I'm sorry, I know that I charged alot on the credit card, but I could have NOT gotten out, and saved the $1000. So he was stressin me about how we were gonna pay that off. I am sorry I really havent thought about the cost of my freedom. I ont know what to tell you. Next time, I will consult you before I spend that large of an amount, but i didnt really have a choice. Well, I guess I had a choice, but I cant handle him right now. He was supposed to come back, and be strong for me so I didnt have to be,and instead I have to deal with his depression mood swings and try to keep positive that my life has not gone completely down the crapper. I can be strong for both of us. I just want to curl up in the corner and cry,but now I have to deal with him too. Him being home was supposed to make this easier,and instead I wish he would go back and be with his friends that he didnt want to leave, and then I can deal with this on my own. I know he had a good time, and I am sorry that he had to come home to a delinquent wife. I'm sorry that I cannot be what he needs right now, but I need him to be there for me. I know this may be a lot to ask, but try to understand. I cannot carry this weight on my own.

Do not guilt me about not having a job, it wasnt my decision. Do not guilt me about putting large sums on the credit card, i had no other choice. And do not gult me because you had to leave Korea, there isnt anything I can do to change that. Dont guilt me that now you like to go out dancing at the clubs, and I lost my clubbin friends. I have to deal with the fact that I lost my friends. I cant listen to all of that right now.
All is well. Though it feels more real now, all is well.

Monday, July 24, 2006

NOw I know I should sleep. Lord knows I will need it come tomorrow. But I cant. I close my eyes and I see her. In the silence of the dark I hear her. My heart longs for a time no so long ago, when I was happy and had everything I needed. Now... Now its different. Is this lesson she wanted me to learn? Who she is. And ultimately who I am? I wanted to stay here. I wanted to make our life here, in this majestic and dangerous state. But here, more than anywhere else, where the majesty ends the danger begins. Now I cannot wait for the next two years to be over so we can move back home, closer to the people who are my world. I knew when I left home that I left my world behind. I forgot that for awhile. Tried to create a good life here. But All I want is to come home, start my family, and plant roots where I know they will be strong. In the ground that has allowed me protection even thousands of miles away.

Who am I? I know more than ever what makes up the person I am. It isnt some cush job, being owned by a woman without a soul. It is with my home. My strength. It is how I know in my heart I have forgiven her because I may recieve my judgement here. I will take what I get, knowing that her judgement is yet to come. Whatever happens to me, will be visited to here hundred fold by a power I have entrusted my fate to. In ten years, I know that I will have moved on. And all of this will be something that happened to me, and I lived through it. And I survived, maybe a little worse for wear, but in tact. But She will still be the same cold, lonely woman. And that is sad. I will never be given a test that I can not handle.

I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I'm so excited. I can hardly stand it. Matt gets back in 5 hours and 43 minutes! I can barely keep myself occupied. I just want to go to the airport and wait for him. John, who is a husband of the girl who went with, has a copy of the orders and if you have a copy, then they give you a pass so you can go through security and meet them at the gate rather than waiting at security. Cool huh? So I am meeting him at 4:15 so we can get those. I am so excited. Have I mentioned that? I am going to make him the Orange Halibut that I made yesterday. I was really good. I think I will need to double the recipe when there are four of us, but yummy. And it was really easy to make. K, I have to go put my blankets in the dryer and do my hair. I'm gonna be all ready to go and still have 4 hours to wait.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Caution: Political Content

I dont ususally post my political views. I find it less complicated that way. So if you are offended then I am sorry, but I cant stay quiet about this one. I dont say negative things about the president. I dont. President Bush vetoed the legislation that would federally fund embryotic stem cell research. resaerch that will be (not could be, will be) the medical break through that will change this world forever. There are so many possibilities out there if only we were allowed to persu it. But he says that the United States should not "use taxpayer dollars to destroy life." Excuse me?! You wont fund research that, yes uses frozen embyos, so saved what could be billions (yes, I said billions) of people, but you dont bat an eyelash for the 30,000+ Iraqi CIVILIANS who have been killed as a result of your War on Terror? Because the U.S. will not "destroy life to save life"? Ok, Mr. President, I will remember to thank you when I am in a wheel chair and cant see my own husband. We'll see how many Alzhiemer patient remember to thank you on thir deathbed because you saved the POSSIBLE life of those embryos STILL FROZEN.

"And I think the worst sin of all, and I am a very religious person, I am pro-life, is to look a miracle from God in the face and throw it away." -Debi Martin

Governors from Delaware, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon and Wisconsin sent a letter to senators on Tuesday urging them to support the bill.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I wasnt made to be sad.
The Lord didnt give me this smile to hide behind a frown.
He didnt give me my laugh to drown it with tears.
I will pick myself up, and live each new day.
We all may fall so we can learn to rise.
We all have to crawl before we can walk.
I felt small and broken, but my spirit is strong and free.
Dont try to push me down, i wil always stand back up.
You can break my heart, and crush my will,
but my spirit will always soar.
Beautifully Broken
Ashlee Simpson
It seems like yesterday
that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday
I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow
I may not get by

But I will try
I will try

Wipe the tears from my eyes
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken
And I don't care if I show it

Everyday is a new day
I'm reminded of the past
Every time there's another storm
I know that it won't last

Every moment I'm filled with hope cause
I got another chance
But I will try
I will try

Got nothing
Left to hide
Without the highs and the lows
Where would we go
Where would we go

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I was afraid of what today was going to bring. I tried and tried to convince myself that it was just another day, no big deal. But I couldnt force myself to believe it. But in the end I came home smiling and feeling loved. I talked to Amanda for a while. And Lew. And Matthew. And mom and dad, and they all sang to me, each in their own way. And that would have been enough for me. But Tara called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over. I hadnt told her it was my birthday (part of the "just another day" philosophy) but when I got there I told her so she made me pot stickers and noodles and we had a waxing party. And she mentioned it to her grandma and grandpa that it was my birthday so they stopped by Baskin Robbins on their way home from Costco and got me a little ice cream cake. Which made me cry. It was so sweet of them, and I couldnt get over it since mom had just said a few hours earlier that she was going to get me an ice cream cake but didnt know who to call.

My birthday showed me how much I am loved. Sometimes you forget how important it is to surround yourself with people who are worth your time. I know in the last week I have lost a lot, but right now it doesnt even matter to me. I have so much more than I could have ever needed. I just forgot about that. Yes, I had a good job and i got a peek into a world that I may never see again, but it isnt a world that I need. I know my world is the people who love me. My family, who stands behind me to catch me when I fall, and Matthew,who doesnt care what I do as long as we are together, and Tara who has been my angel through all of this. So in the end I had a happy birthday, because for the fist time in a week, I am breathing normally, and i feel calm, and safe. Yes, I had my life ripped out from under me, but my foundation didnt let me fall.

So thank you, to all of you for keeping me up. And never letting me fall.

Monday, July 17, 2006

This is the lonliest birthday ever. I made myself a litle cake. I put in candles. I blew them out while I himmed Happy Birthday in my head. And then I cried. I promised my mom and Matt that I would do something. I told them I was just gonna sleep through it and get it over with as fast as I could. I guess the new year of my life can only go up from this point, right? But I promised them. They are lucky I did too cuz I was serious about the sleeping thing. What are the stages of mourning again? Whatever they are I am to the crying stage. I think that comes after the denial stage. Yep, no denying this, this birthday sucks. Is it possible to suck and blow at the same time? If it is thats Emily's 24th year on this earth.

Monday, July 10, 2006

You know it seems like I just really cant be by myself for very long. I need the social contact. I need someone to talk to to. I hav4e called mom so many times, and Amanda and i talked for close to an hour yesterday. And I talkired to Lew for a while too. I am just bored. BUT today, instead of boredom eating I spent 45 on the eliptical and yesterday I wotked out in the back yard. Matt needs to hurry up and come home. I am running out of things to distract myself. I still have the upstairs to clean, but I will be done with that by the end of the wem off to Vegas, so there is five days out of the way. NAd then I guess I just have to make it till Saturday. So I suppose its not that bad, but still... I need to keep myself from like going and getting something peirced or something. Yes, I am that bored. I miss my husband. This sucks. I dont know how people do thi for months at a time. I guess they dont really have a choice. Oh, well. Only 12 days left. I can do this!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Sunset last night. Posted by Picasa

It was beautiful Posted by Picasa
Today had to have been the single most emotionally draining day of my life. I really thought it was Saturday, but this was worse. Today I had to tie up the loose ends with Ralph. For those of you who dont know, I had to fire Ralph on Saturday. The same day Matthew left for Korea. So I thought that was bad, but today I had to get him to sign this no compete argeement and he wouldnt sign it. I talked with him for AT LEAST and hour before I got him to sign it. I mean he tried everything. He played every card, the friendship, the blame, the anger, the hurt. He threw everyone just to not have to sign that agreement. But I stood firm. I didnt back down. I told him if it were a different situation, and he was in my shoes he wouldnt back down either, he would do what Lori wanted, so why did he think I would cave? Because I havent shown him that side of me before. I think I went through every emotion in the book too. I was really upset about having to do this, but I had to. And it almost became a situatin where I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Because he tried verything to get me to drop it and not make him sign it, but I couldnt do that, and towards the end I really started getting mad cuz at first I let the fact that he's my friend cloud my thinking, and I was going to go soft, but then I realized what he was doing, trying to get out of the agreement he had made with Lori, the only difference was that it was now in writing. And I started to get mad at him. Why wouldnt he just sign it? Let's end this. Why was he putting me in this situation he kept saying he was sorry that I had to be in the middle but not sorry enough to sign the paper and end it. So I know that I told him to "Sign the f*$?in' paper a couple of times and I dont just say that word. It has to be pretty bad to when I resort to that kind of language. I still feel guilty when I say that word, like mom can sense whenever I say it, and will slap me again. Anyway, it's all over now. I got him to sign it, and I'm am done. I feel empty inside right now. Like it literally made me sick. I was downing the Pepto afterwards. So Lori called me and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink with her and Juan and Gloria. I was like hells yeah! She went out with Brandi tonight, I was supposed to be there, too, but I just cant. I am just worn out. This weekend had literally drained me of all my energy. But the worst part is that Matthew is so far away. I need a hug so badly. I miss him so much. It would have been so much easier if I had him to come home to. Instead I am sitting in an empty house. Which is why Lori wanted me to go out with them tonight, but if I drank I dont have anyone to come get me. Thats Matt's job. So this weekend I will have to go to the Miss Hawiian Tropic thing and Club O since I ddnt go tonight. We are sponsoring it again. But I still have to work tomorrow and I dont this weekend, so its better. And I can crash at Lori's if I want to. After today, I dont have anything to worry about. Except that I might not get to go to Vegas now. Stupid Ralph, had to ruin my birthday, too. this is the first one I have looked forward to in a long time, and now it might not happen. Oh, well. Whats one more birthday all alone.