Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Why does everything have to cost so much money? Hayden and I are flying NWA home, and I looked up the pet travel prices and its $275 per kennel. And I just dont trust Jackie to not freak out, so I cant put them in the same kennel... so its going to be $550 to fly the cats home. And I just dont know where that money is going to come from. I mean, I will try to work for it, but with trying to clean, and everything else...I just dont know if I have enough time! I jguess I could stop sleeping and do the cleaning at niht and work all day long, but Matthew has stuff he is going to have to do during the day so he cant watch Hayden ALL day. Why does everything have to be so much money? I'd say lets leave them here, but I cant. There are times I wouldnt mind, but I would miss them so much, and I wouldnt trust anyone to love them as much as Matthew does. He would just be heartbroken if we had to leave them here. And to a lesser extent so would I. But we also have to take them in to get health certificates also, so there are the vet fees, cuz Jackie has to be sedated, so that is MORE money... I kinda wish they could go with Matthew, but that is impossible. The stress has come back now. Especially, now that the end is in sight and is tangible now, it really puts the pressure on... I just dont know...

Because I cant wait to share a picture like this...

Matthew's Birthday Present

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hayden pulled himself up to his feet all by himself today. I didn't help, even a little. I was over on the couch and I glanced over and he had pulled himself up on the wicker basket and was standing there, grinning at me. Like he was just waiting for me to notice what he had done. It was so cute. He is wearing his "big boy" outfit today, the one that makes him look all grown up (jeans and green sweatshirt) and there he was...standing. I welled up a bit. My baby isn't a little baby anymore. So fast...

Northern Lights

Some Updates

First off, I will report that Matthew got his orders yesterday, so we are very happy here in the Rose family. We will be going to get plane tickets for me and the Misters either today or tomorrow, so we will FINALLY have a set date of our return. So that has been a relief.

Second, I swear Misters has grown overnight! He is already pretty much grown out of all his new jammies. I am going to have to take a cue from Julie and start getting jammies without feet in them cuz the Misters has HUGE feet and has grown out of 9 month footie pj's, but it makes me sad cuz the footies are so much cuter and it means that my baby is getting bigger :(. And he is. He is getting SO good at pulling himself up. He does mainly just to his knees. But he has gone up to his feet a couple of times. I figured out why he likes to be underneath the endtable, its because its glass and he can see his reflection when he is under there. Or that was the theory until he started going under EVERYTHING. If there is room, he will have something under there, even if it is just a foot. He is still enthralled with anything that makes noise and as a result, think EVERYTHING should make noise. SO he shakes everything till he finds one that makes noise. If that thing can be banged against something else to make even MORE noise, all the better. He LOVES the wind chimes that I have hanging in the back entry. LOVES them. I have used that tidbit quite a bit lately. If I want to get his attention or distract him, its off to the wind chime. We got him a fishbowl for Christmas, that comes with 3 fishies inside. He is fascinated with them. Taking them out and putting other things in the bowl like his Binkie, rings, his new hammer. But he always takes the fish out first. Its so cute. And he knows there are three fishies, so if one is missing he will look for it until he finds it and then all three go back in the bowl. And then he usually proceeds to bang on the bowl with the hammer. LOL. Whatever keeps him occupied. We think that he is having night time separation issues, but it is kinda our fault, cuz I think we were getting lazy about bedtime routines. We would leave parts out and it was screwing him up. Nighttime has a very specific routine, whereas nap time doesn't since he usually plays till he falls asleep and then we take him upstairs and turn on his music and he takes his nap. So in diverting from the nighttime schedule, he was getting confused and was just taking a nap, instead of knowing it was bedtime. Oops, lesson learned. His little toothie is so cute. He keeps playing with it with his tongue. And of course, he wont let us see so we make him laugh so he'll open up his mouth. Ok, I think that is all for right now.

Matthew and I are SO ready to be home. I think maybe at this moment in time, he is more ready than I am simply because he has a hug drive between him and home. I know I would be read to just have it over. I am VERY glad that Jim will be meeting him in Bellvue. It really makes me feel better about him driving. There is a lot of time and miles between when Misters and I leave him and when we will get to see him again. And I don't think its totally unexpected that I am worried about him. I don't like travelling separately. There is just that fear that you wont see that other person again. And no matter how unlikely that is, it doesn't quell the fear. Especially with the Misters. Having him has multiplied that fear by a million. I want to have this over with, I am not focusing on being home at this moment, I am concentrating on cleaning and packing. Then I will concentrate on this horrible flight day, or days, depending on the situation. Then I can focus on getting home. Reminding my welcoming crew that we will have four suitcases, a car seat, two cats (who will be going with Gma & Gpa Rosies) a carry on suitcase, a diaper bag, Stroller, Hayden and myself. So please have multiple cars or a trailer or something! LOL. Anyway, that moment is so far from my mind right now, it gets pushed out by all the things that have to be done BEFORE that moment. Its just all very real now. That we are leaving. And its also very sad. But I don't have time to focus on that now. I don't actually even have time to be writing this, but I am taking this time anyway. I cant be going, going, going cuz I am exhausted already trying to all of this myself. And Hayden hasn't been sleeping well, lately, so he has been very temperamental, which is so unusual for him, but he is getting his second tooth there in the front and think that has a bit to do with it, along with the routine thing. Oh, he's awake from his nap, so I gotta go. We have to text Daddy to see if we can go get our plane tickets today.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I have started cleaning. I guess I started awhile ago, but now that I have the check out list, I am trying to concentrate my efforts on the things on the list. And its a lot of work. It doesn't LOOK like a lot of work, and I don't really think that it is, but I have some challenges. One small one, is the BIGGEST barrier to getting much accomplished. His name is Misters and he just wants to help. I figure if I do one room a day, I could have most of it done by the time I leave. The problem is that I don't know when that is. And a lot of this stuff I cant do until TMO gets here and gets our stuff OUT. Cuz I cant move the entertainment center, for example. And the problem is that I may not BE HERE when TMO comes. So I am DREADING the price of the cleaners coming in and finishing. That is why I am trying to get a lot done before I leave, but I don't know when that will be, and I don't know about the time between doing all of this cleaning and our actual final out inspection. I will just keep trying to plug away at what I CAN do, and hope for the best, I guess. No reason worrying about what I cant do anything about right now, right? Next issue, I am running out of cleaning supplies. I just hate to go out and buy all new cleaning stuff and then we just have to give them away. BUT I guess if I am really concerned I can box them up and send them with Matthew. I am just running out of time during the day. Between rounding up the Misters, work, sleep, and trying to exercise, I am trying to squeeze cleaning into the spaces... I just have to keep telling myself that Matthew will be done with work soon and then he can help with all of these things.

Daddy's New Game

Getting Around

Our Little Gymnast

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Hayden's First Tooth

Ok, while this isnt the BEST picture of the Misters, you can see his little toothy in this picture. Its right before bed and he's tired, but for those of you who cant wait for a good picture, here you go. I present to you: Hayden's Christmas Tooth.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Videos

Getting Hayden out of bed for his first Christmas

Unwrapping his present from Grandpa Whitmer

Playing with his Giggling Pig

Matthew unwrapping his present from Jim and Laurie

Playing with his new toys

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Look what Mommy left out...

I could just give him a towel for Christmas...

Ah! I thought this move would e what truly tested the limits of our marriage...all the stress and the unknown factors and such. But I think it may be having him home instead! I have a routine. Misters and I have a routine. The way the day goes, we eat, then we play, then we have juice then we nap, while we nap I get my things done... Anyway, I know he doesn't know the routine, and it is my fault cuz I have never told him the routine, but that doesn't help with my annoyance. It seems like he is always where I need to be, when I need to be there. There is limited time to do certain things, like laundry or preparing lunch. So I go to do those things and his clothes are in the washer or he is puttering around in the kitchen. SO I wait, and then he gets all defensive cuz I am waiting, or I decide o go do something else, so to him, that means I am mad at him. And then when I DO ask him to move or like this morning when I ask for the Saran Wrap (I even said please) he flips like I am yelling at him. And I did say it loud, but apparently the FIRST time I said it he didn't hear me. Probably because he has the damn music playing so loud. Turn it down! You wonder why you cant hear anymore! And he is constantly on the computer. I cant get the videos up cuz if I leave the computer alone, he swarms on it to watch hockey games. I know I need more patience with him, but I save my patience for Misters. AH! I just feel trapped in this house.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I got my hands on a final inspection check list for housing. So I know what they will be looking for at our final out inspection. I am going to start working on it. Matthew is set on having someone do it for us, which I agree with, but I also think that we can get a lot of it done, and leave the stuff we don't want to do, like the basement for instance. Since we have to clean off all the pipes, and that has never been done, and there are bugs and spiders and I cant do it. And Matthew doesn't want to do the kitchen, but I am actually not too worried about it cuz I have been chipping away at it for sometime now. And it will be WAY easier to do when the house is empty. I don't know when we will be leaving now. Still as soon as possible, but I don't think I can leave Matthew alone with all of this stuff. But it will make a difference when Matthew is home after the 7th. So then he will be around to chase after the Misters so I could get some real stuff done.

Misters is getting into EVERYTHING. He has a pile of toys, but wants to play with electrical cords. Whatever cord he can find. Usually its the router and associated cords under the desk. I am running out of things to use to block the places he cant go. So I have a bench blocking the tree, but it doesn't work cuz he has found a way to get UNDER the tree. I have the folding chair blocking the cords under the desk. I have a suitcase blocking the trash compactor. Gates blocking the chairs. I am running out of things to use. Hopefully I am running out of things to block, too.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

There is definitely a lighter air in our house today. Matthew even made the comment this morning that you can tell there is less stress in our house now. I know I feel much happier. Now I am looking forward to this move instead of being afraid of it. And we are just looking forward to Christmas. Matthew wants to give me my presents now. He is so funny, he just wants so bad to give me my presents. I think he wants me to see what a good job he did at picking them out. And the really funny thing is that every year before now, I have struggled to make a list of things I want. This year (thanks to the universal wish list button on Amazon) I have a substantial list to give people a good idea of things I want or inspiration and ideas. And its this year that he doesn't even USE this list. LOL. Oh, well. Off to clean while the Misters is asleep.

Friday, December 19, 2008


A few weeks ago, mom and I were talking, at the height of my stress breakdown, and she was trying to tell me that I needed to trust the God takes care of His children. And I so wanted to let myself remember that and let go of my need to be in control... And Amanda tried to tell me the same thing, but my fear got in the way of what I knew was true. But in my weakness I thought that I knew better and I didn't trust. So a few days ago, I broke, or maybe I healed, either way, I realized that doing it on my own was SO not working. And I prayed. I prayed for help. For guidance. To help me let go of whatever it was that I was trying desperately to hold on to... And I cant ignore that after I let go of myself and asked for guidance and support, this new plan has taken shape so quickly. And all these pieces seem to be falling into their places, and I cant believe that it is simply by chance. Even more evidence that God puts the people you need, in the place you need them, when you need them. And I think tat is why I feel so good about this, why it feels like it is right. It is such a freeing feeling. I am just so happy, giddy. I need to keep my faith.


I cannot tell you how lighter I feel right now. I cant describe it only because I cant adequately describe how much pressure I was under and how stressed I was feeling. I mean I know I am an emotional person, but I cry easily. That is different from being emotional. The stress induced breakdowns, that was different. I was caught off guard by the severity of the stress I was under until I broke. Oh, crap, hold on, my son is dismantling his car seat. Ok, I just hope that this all pans out...especially since I have foregone the Rockford thing entirely so I am concentrating on this plan, so the sooner I know if its a go, the sooner I can release this fear entirely. I was so sure we were going to fail. I wanted so badly to believe tat everything would work out, but I never really believed it. I know that's why I was so stressed. Because I didn't know how to keep us from failing, but now we have a transition plan instead of jumping in a just hoping that it all would work out. That just isn't being realistic.

Home Sweet Home

I am feeling so good about this decision to live in Wilton for a bit. It just takes so much pressure off of me. I am able to handle things so much better because I don't have this weight on my brain, knowing that it was up to me to find a place to live and a job in a place I had never even seen before. That was such a daunting task that it was just too much. And now, I don't have to worry about that right away and it gives my full attention to finding a job. I really hope this all pans out. I know that it is news to a lot of you. And this decision has developed in the last couple of days. But we are thinking of staying in Ken's house, for a bit, maybe a year, while we get on our feet, and are a little more prepared to strike out on our own. Ken hasn't been living there, and its sitting empty (of people) so if he would be willing, it would give us a place to transition back into civilian life. And I think that is what we need more than anything. Time to adjust to a whole different way of living. And I don't mind commuting to Iowa City or the Quad Cities for work. Like I have said before, I am willing to do what it takes to get by and if that means a 40 minute drive everyday then that is what it means. And we can put Misters in Daycare in Wilton and maybe Mom could pick him up after she gets off work and watch him till we get home from work. Either way I am sure that it will be a little more economical than a bigger city. But I am feeling better. There are some kinks, like the fact that the house is fully furnished so we aren't sure what to do with our stuff, or Ken's... or how to handle that. But I am sure it will work out. Plus, I want Matthew to find out if his credits from AFCC will transfer to MCC so maybe he could finish up his AA there. I mean if it is just some math and communications, then it would be really easy to finish it up there. So we have more options with this route I think. And that makes me feel a bit more comfortable.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hayden's First Bump

Hayden got his first goose egg on his little head. Adventures in learning to crawl. He just launched himself in to the corner of the wall

I know this is the first in a long line of bumps and bruises, but it was horrible. He screamed and cried... He was fine like 10-15 minutes later, but I was a wreck for the rest of the day. And of course we had a hockey game that night so I got a lot of crap for "beating" my child... Just thought I would share and make you feel as ad as I did. :(


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Feet are fun

Ok, reality has set in. And I just don't know if we are going to be able to do this. You know all that crap I was spewing about wanting to just get on with it, and get on with starting the new phase? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. I just don't think we can do this. I am afraid that I wont be able to find a job that will pay the bills. This is just a horrible time to try to start completely over. If we didn't have Hayden I think it would be a different issue, but we do, and he is my priority. But now we have to factor in my stupid car payments... I just don't know what is going to happen and I hate that. I hate surprises. I hate the very idea of the unknown. I should have been a psychic. Now how do I explain all of this to Matthew? There is no turning back now. There is no way he will stay in and I cant ask him to because he is SO completely unhappy. Unhappy is not a strong enough word for how he feels about the military. I just don't know what to do. And now my prep time has been cut by two weeks. Me and the misters are going to be home between the 8th and 15th or January. That is LESS THAN A MONTH. And then it is up to me to try to find a place to live and a job and daycare and everything else, so we are set up when Matthew gets here. I am not expecting to be totally settled into anything, except maybe a job by the time Matthew gets here. I am so scared. I would rather stay unhappy than risk change and fail. That is the honest truth.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Monday, December 08, 2008

I think we may have almost decided that Matthew is going to drive home. We have basically come full circle. The only lip in this plan is that we will have to make payments on BOTH cars... But I have decided that in the beginning I am going to take whatever job I can get. If its retail, its retail. Whatever pays the bills for the first few months or whatever. As for insurance, we can still get Tricare for, I think, 18 months, we just have to pay for it, discounted of course. So We have that time to get settled and I think I am ok with having a job for that time while trying to find something more "real." I just despise the retail schedule. I want an 8-5 Monday-Friday job. I am willing to do an occasional Saturday, but its not just me and Matthew anymore, and I want to be able to spend time with Hayden, and retail doesn't really allow for that. Plus, I hate it. I feel about retail the way Matthew feels about the Air Force. It makes me into a horrible person. Horrible. And I don't want to bring that person home to my son. I hate that person as much as I hate the job that creates her. But I am willing to do what I have to do for my family. And if that is what pays the bills then that is what I have to do. But I am trying so hard to let go a little bit. I am trying to not focus on so much stuff at once. I am so overwhelmed that I had a breakdown at the grocery store. There were just too many choices, too many things to get, too many decisions to be made that I couldn't do it, grabbed Hayden and left my cart in the middle of the aisle and left. And that was just about food and planning the week's meals. This is the world I live in right now. I guess the biggest trigger is that I am expected to know the answers. And I don't. Matthew asks me everything about Hayden, like I have all the answers and sometimes I don't know. Should I go feed him? Is he tired? I don't know. Sometimes I don't know! Everyone just need to stop asking me questions. With every question I don't know the answer to, comes a week of fretting over it. And I don't need that.
Ask me if I am freaking out. Go ahead ask me. Se what happens. At any given moment I think I am going to throw up. Yes, That seems accurate. At any moment, I am going to explode and there will be stress spread from Anchorage to the Florida Keys. Like the pressure of this move and all that's involved is pressing up against my skin from the inside... I just want this to be over with. Please, just lets get this OVER with. I am ready to take on the challenges of finding a job and a place to live. I am ready to do it. I have been so scared for the past few months, but I have gotten to the point where I am so ready to just DO this. I know its going to be hard, and a part of me is still scared, any sane person would be. But I don't have a choice but to stand up and accept that this is as what has to be done. I cant very well hide from it, so I might as well stand and do my best. But this new acceptance of our upcoming difficulties doesn't make my stress go away. Matthew is in charge of the car so I have to stop worrying about that issue. I have a whole house to concern myself with at this moment. I know that we are going to have someone come in to clean, but since most cleaners charge by the hour, I don't want to have to pay for 2 days of work, you know? I really just want them to come in and make sure that things are all up to housing standards. If you hire a cleaner recommended by Aurora (the housing company) they know what the check out people are looking for. So if you hire them you are guaranteed to pass cuz they are there at the check out, so if something is wrong or not up to standards they fix it right at that moment. And that is really what I am looking for. Is that guaranteed pass so as to not prolong this housing check out thing. I want to pass the first time and have it over with and done. I guess you could say that I am just ready to end this chapter and start the next. A sort of senioritis. Where you are just OVER your current life phase, and so ready to begin the next. I miss home so much and knowing that I am so close to being back and yet so very far away makes that sick feeling even worse. I just don't think that you can truly understand what the past 4 and a half years have felt like... that constant longing in the back of my mind for home. Not in the literal sense, I mean I don't want to move back to Wilton or anything, but the sense of home. The closeness. The ability to see my family when I want to. I think that you take that ability for granted when you haven't had to be without it. To know that my family is a drive away at any moment of the day... you can understand why I am so ready to have this move be over. 45 days.

Hockey Fight

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Friday, December 05, 2008

So I forgot to talk about Hayden's appointment. The patches on his tummy got bigger so we took him to the doctor on Wednesday. He has eczema patches as a result of prolonged exposure to an irritant. Translated: He was allergic to something we were using in the wash. Since we use Dreft, the doctor figured it was residue from our detergent. So now I need to run a rinse before I wash Hayden's clothes in the washer and make sure not to use ANY kind of dryer sheet or anything. She gave us some Hydro cortisone cream for his tummy and the patches are clearing right up. Oh, and nothing with fragrances: no soap, lotion, shampoo, etc. So we are to continue bathing him only once a week, and we should just use water, or if we need to use soap, use Dove, which is ok cuz that's what Matthew uses anyway. Aveeno lotion seems to be working out ok, too. But I am so glad that I know for sure what is going on. Poor Misters. This whole time he has been having an allergic reaction... Oh, well Nothing we can do about that now.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I am still working on the stress thing. I think I am doing better. It takes work. A constant awareness of my emotions, which is exhausting. But I am really working very hard on not eating when I am stressed. Let me tell you, THAT awareness is just as exhausting. This car is making my hair fall out. I just don't know what we are going to do. Actually I do know. We will see what a dealer would give us, but we have to be open to the possibility that we may have to drive. The idea of being on a boat for 3 days makes me want to puke already, but if I stay drugged enough I will survive. I hope Hayden doesn't get motion sickness! Trust me, no one wants, more than me, to just fly home and get the whole thing over with, but I know that with everyday that car sits in the for sale lot, that desire becomes less and less likely. I do worry about how this is affecting Matthew and how its affecting us. We both have short fuses. Snapping at each other. I just wish this were over with. But I live in the real world and I know that it isn't going to be any better when we get home. Not for quite some time. I am so scared about all of this.

Monday, December 01, 2008

So I have been keeping a food log, trying to get my stress eating under control. You just dont realize what you are eating till you keep track... I am averaging 950 calories a day and only ONE meal of that is something substantial. So lets see if we can change this, shall we?

I apologize for these being so dark. We dont have a lot of sunlight and our house lights dont seem to be that bright. I will try to be more conscious of the lighting situations.

These are basically just Misters being Misters. The last one still makes me laugh and I have watched it AT LEAST 12 times. I think I laugh harder each time. Enjoy.

The best sound in the world

10 years.

So there was this big anniversary this week, that I thought I could ignore and just let it pass. Turns out I cant. Has it really been a whole decade? 10 years since I lost my sense of well-being and became a person always aware of what could go wrong at any moment. But I cant deny how lucky I truly am. With my on going involvement with NMSS, I have seen what this disease can do to people. In the two years I have been volunteering, I have seen people slowly get worse. And I have to realize how lucky I am that I have the "version" that I have. Numbness, lack of balance, weak bladder, poor concentration... These things are so minor in comparison. I am blessed in so many ways. Especially my family. I never thought that being pregnant would end up being the time in my life when I felt the best. It was so amazing because I felt better than I have ever felt in my life. I felt like I was normal. Like I was a healthy woman... I cant describe it. Maybe it was because I was so young when it happened, maybe it is normal when you are diagnosed with a chronic disease, but I don't ever really think of myself as "healthy" or "normal" because I will always have something wrong with me. I don't dwell on it as much anymore. It barely crosses my mind, unless I have a flare up of some kind, but sometimes, it hits you. You cant hide forever. Sometimes you have to have those moments when you are vulnerable and afraid. Because I never know what will happen. I don't know what I will wake up to the next morning. So every morning I am able to get out of bed on my own, is a day I say a little prayer of thanks. Thank you that I still have control over my body. In the back of my mind I always know that there may come a morning when I will not be able to get up, or walk, or see, or whatever. But I also know, in the back of my mind, that it is possible that, in my lifetime, we may see a cure. I am not going to start tauting the possibilities of stem cells or anything. Now is not the time. But the prospect is exciting. So here's to ten more years of health and happiness.

Sunday, November 30, 2008


I guess it has been awhile since I actually blogged anything. I have been keeping pretty busy with Matthew having a 5 day weekend. We had a good Thanksgiving. We had fun at Craig's. His cabin was amazing and the view was even better. We have gotten an insane amount of snow today and yesterday. I tried to go to work today, and I was so scared. I don't know why I thought I could leave the house. I couldn't find the road, I couldn't see in front of me. I should have known when people were getting stuck on our road. So I made it just past Hanger 5 and turned around. I was so scared by the time I got home. I couldn't get down our road. I couldn't get into our driveway. When i finally got in the house I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't want to get out of the truck, but I was afraid to drive... I should never have tried, but Misters needed wipes so I went. Good thing it stopped snowing cuz we don't have any food to eat if we were stuck in the house.

We still haven't sold the damn Saturn. I am starting to freak a bit. Matthew doesn't seem to be too concerned since he hasn't called that dude who seemed to be very interested in it.

Misters is making leaps and bounds lately. He pulled himself up to his feet yesterday. It was pretty exciting. He is SOOOO close to crawling, he just hasn't caught on to the moving of the hands part. He is getting pretty good at feeding himself now. He likes to do it. If I don't let him use the spoon, he gets mad. So I got him these spoons that have notches in them so he can dip it in the food and feed himself. It takes a while for him to eat, but he is getting better.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Unloading my camera while I have time...

How weird do these doors look?

We put the closet doors back up, while I put the doors back up, and they look weird. After 4 years of them NOT being up, its just strange to see them.

To make up for a late Picture Day

This is servinga reminder that Picture Thursday WILL BE DELAYED until Friday due to the Thanksgiving holiday. So to make up for that I have posted a couple videos to tide you over.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So I went down to the courthouse today. I figured it was best to do it in person. I hope that everything is done now. I guess I have no reason to believe that it is. The last time I thought it was over, I got a stupid notice in the mail. But the girl said that she had what she needed. I asked her like 4 times if that was everything that I needed to do, and she said that there wasn't anything she could see. I don't trust that either. This is so frustrating. I just want my "conviction" set aside so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I am so sick of this.

Please send out good thought that this dude will buy the Vue tomorrow. Matthew is taking it to have him test drive it. I just want to get rid of this thing. I don't care if we make any money on it. I will give it to him for what we owe on it. We are running out of time, and I don't know what we will do if we don't get the damn thing sold. So pray that we do, otherwise Matthew may have to drive home afterall. Why does everything have to be so hard?
I am looking for something like a table that Hayden can sit up at and play. Like an activity table or something. So if you could keep an eye out. I only see stuff for standing. Ideally, if they make something that would adjust heights or something. I haven't found anything. I thought it might help him sit up longer. He sits pretty well, but then loses interest and falls over so I was looking for something to keep his attention for longer.

Monday, November 24, 2008

This Is Bullshit.

So after calling the Courthouse this morning, and talking to THREE different people, I have found out that no one knows why I received that notice in the mail on Friday. According to my case file, everything has been paid. Of course, I know this being as that I have the receipts proving that fact. According to their computers, my case has been dismissed and as far as they could tell, I didn't matter to the court system anymore. SO, I have two choices. I can go down to the courthouse, which I don't want to do cuz its a pain in the ass, and bring copies of my receipts and show them what, as far as I can tell, is already IN my file. Or I could send in copies of the form I received, copies of my receipts, and a letter asking that I be notified if there is anything further that I owe. Which there isn't. So I don't understand what is going on here. Apparently, there was some sort of oversight, or a box didn't get checked, I don't know. Its all a waste of my time and the taxpayer's dollar. I love the system. Its all in their computer. Its all in my file, why do I still have to do this? So, I choose to do BOTH options. I will go down to the courthouse, and I will show them my receipts, and I will show them my judgment and show them all of these things that I know are already there cuz 3 different people told me so this morning! So I get this worthless, meaningless letter in the mail that tosses my world upside down, again. That sends me over an edge that I have been teetering on for a couple weeks now. For NOTHING!!!!! Nothing. No one can tell me why I was collapsed on my bed crying in desperation... Because of some stupid mistake in some bureaucratic red tape.

Sitting up

Friday, November 21, 2008

When will this end?

So I had a true nervous break down today. Here's why:

Went out to get the mail this afternoon. (About 4ish) There was a letter from the State. "What could this be?" I ask myself. Thinking it must be final paperwork or something. Boy, was I wrong. It was a notice of non-payment of my restitution. The money I "owed" that woman. The restitution that was paid oh about a year and a half ago. Bullshit, I owe her anymore money. So for this whole time I have kept EVERY SINGLE piece of paper that was in reference to this disaster. When my Probation expired, and I had received my letter releasing me, I had Matthew take all those papers and shred them. What do I need them for? Turns out I needed them for this f**king letter I got today. I flipped. I completely lost it. I had it shredded and I had no idea how to get a copy. (By now its 4:23 pm) I called Steve (my lawyer), I called the probation office, I called the court house where i paid the money in the first place. Of course the hours at the court house are 8:30 to 4:30 so I kept getting transferred to voicemail that didn't exist. I called mom hoping I sent the paperwork to her. Nope. string by string, my grip on my control, and sanity, are snapping. I don't know what to do. I left messages with everyone I could, so now I have to wait by the phone for someone, ANYONE, to return my call. I decide to go upstairs and wake Matthew. HE has been really sick, but I needed him to calm me down. So I explain this letter and how I shouldn't have had him shred all that stuff. "I didn't shred it." "WHAT?!" "I didn't shred it. I didn't think I should." I lost it. I collapsed in a fit of bawling. I couldn't stop myself. I cried for a good 5 minutes. I lost it. He saved me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought I was going to have to go back to court. I thought I was going to have to pay that awful woman another$500 that I never owed her in the first place. I cant even describe the feeling of relief I had at that moment.

When is this shit going to be over? Shit keeps popping up. I don't need this right now. I don't need this added stress. I feel like I have paid for this mistake 1000 times over. I get it. I screwed up. I trusted the wrong person. I get it. I have learned to be a bit more cynical of people, but I have moved on. Just leave me alone. 61 days. 61 days and I can get the hell out of here. So I will go down to the courthouse on Monday and hand deliver the receipt that proves it has already been paid, and I will make sure this is the last thing, that needs to be taken care of. Cuz in 61 days I am not going to be able to hop a plane and go to court. I am so f**king sick of this.

"Look What I Have!"

Wow, I didnt know these were so dark! I'll try to get new ones.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Its so exciting to think that in 64 days we will be on a plane home. Not for a visit. Not for two weeks and its back on a plane. For good. I don't have to have another 12 hour flight day. I am so happy right now. For this brief moment in the midst of this stressful chaos, I am happy. Because I know what is waiting for me. For us. I am so very happy right now. Whatever comes, and I am scared beyond belief at that thought, we will be home. I have been waiting for this for so long. Do I wish it could have been before Christmas? Yes, very much so. But on the other hand, I keep thinking about all the things I don't have to miss anymore. Birthdays and graduations. Baptisms and holidays. Things I have had to live with just hearing about, or seeing pictures... I don't work that way, you know? I am so very excited. I know this feeling is fleeting, for the next about 64 days. Till we are on the ground in Moline, safe and sound. Then I can be VERY excited.
A couple notes on Misters. He is eating really well. I think we need to get a highchair. I wanted to put it off until we came home, but its getting really annoying, feeding him in the Bumbo cuz he bends backwards and turns around and blah, blah, blah. H

He is enjoying this new screaming phase. I was hoping (praying) that it would be short lived, but its not. He thinks its fun. Its the MOST when Mommy is in the middle of Target and he starts screaming. People start staring, thinking he is mad, but that doesn't really bother me. In fact, I get a bit of a kick out of it because while he is screaming, I cant stop laughing. I know he is just talking, and it is SO loud I cant help but laugh, which is why I enjoy other people's reactions cuz I don't know if they are more concerned with the baby screaming or the mother who's LAUGHING at her screaming baby. Which ever, doesn't matter to me. But this lady came up to me, probably wanting to indirectly get me to calm my baby, and said "He just isn't happy, is he?" I knew what she was doing, and I was a bit annoyed, cuz where does she get off questioning me, but whatever, I was just like "Actually he is VERY happy, he's just letting everyone know it." She gave me this look and walked away. I am sure she probably thought I was being sarcastic, but I wasn't.

He has started this new thing where he gets a toy and holds it as high as he can above his head. Like he's saying "Hey, look what I got!" Its really cute. It doesn't matter what it is, if he had to work to get it, he will hold it up in the air for all to see. He sits up so good now. It is about 1000 times easier to give that child a bath now that he sits on his own! It is easier to put his coat on too.

Matthew should be getting his orders on Monday next week. So we will be able to start booking flights and setting TMO dates and such things. So we will know when exactly we will be home. Exciting, huh?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Finding His Voice

I call these videos "Finding His Voice"

Here, he was pulling himself up to try and get his cereal boxes. He was up on his knees, its the closest he has gotten to pulling up.

And a battle will ensue over a play mat.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


So I am in love with Christmas, I always have been (except for those dark Wal-Mart years) So I put up the decorations, not the tree, but the rest of the decorations. And I have been listening to Christmas music, cuz I figured its only two weeks early. I don't care. Hayden likes the music. He laughs and tries to sing. Its adorable. I love Christmas. And I cant wait for him to get older so we can decorate cookies and leave them for Santa. And start our own traditions. And I am so excited. Misters is going to have so much fun. Maybe I'll be the one having so much fun. Whatever, its still exciting. Anyway, I decided to wait to put the tree up otherwise it will be two months of yelling at Kitties and Babies to stay out of the tree. And that is stress I don't really need to invite on myself. We aren't putting up he Retarded outside lights, which I'm kinda sad about. We aren't bringing them with either, so we are leaving the Retarded lights. Boo. But I understand why, we may not even need outside lights for awhile, who knows.

One thing I forgot.

Hayden thinks its so funny to pee without his diaper on, that he will do it every chance he gets, and if I am not fast enough, he'll do it numerous times. He is having a bit of trouble with his foreskin trying to reattach so I have to pull it back and put vaseline on it so it will heal properly, and that takes time, which he takes FULL advatage of. He is such a boy, I swear!

New Videos and 6 month appointment

A conversation with Hayden. You KNOW he thinks he is saying words, and he is starting to interchange his sounds so he it is like he is having a conversation so he'll say "mamamamamama." and then YELL and then "mamamamam" and then motorboat and then YELL... so it is realty adorable, especially when he does it to Jackie cuz she'll just sit there and look at him, like she knows what he is saying.

More of the same but around 23 seconds he starts to do the thing where he chews on his bottom lip and it puffs out his cheeks. He is just too damn adorable!

Hayden had his 6 month appointment today. He is 17 lbs and some ounces I want to say 2 or 3 ounces. I didn't write it down cuz I thought I would remember. He is 26 1/2 inches long. So he has jumped up from the 25th percentile to the 50th. Which they said could happen cuz he was on the small side and started solid foods so a jump like that is not anything to be concerned about. I figure his body finally just caught up with his head, which has always been in the 50th percentile. He got the first dose of the Flu shot so he has to go back in in 30 days to get the other half. Still no HiB... But they say he is very healthy and very happy (which I had NO worries about!) He does have a couple patches of dry skin on his belly so I need to crank up the humidifier in his room. Guess that's all for now, sounds like he is awake from his nap, gotta go!

Oh! and he drinks his juicies from a sippie cup now! He is really getting the hang of it. He is mad when the juice is gone and I take the cup away, so I give him a little water.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

last ones

More Videos!

I have been falling behind on posting videos. so you will be having quite the Movie Monday! As I write this Misters is doing his new thing whee he sucks on his bottom lip and it puffs out his cheeks, it is so adorable. And he is trying to pay with the keyboard, so here is a message from Misters, mtxhm vbngfxFSseategu,ikgkufhmnh ,idyf.ou.kfsrngfxcz.ik,uf.

Hayden crawled over to the movie rack and picked out a movie. Usually, he chooses The Little Mermaid, this time he apparently wanted a bit more action.

Playing in his toy basket.

Chasing me: He has a HUGE interest in the camera now. He wants to have it, take pictures, chew on it, so I am being chased by the Misters.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Hockey Videos

A little pee-wee hockey first

A little fighting...

And a little more...(Warning: this one is shakey at the beginning cuz Matthew was holding Misters and he kept trying to get the camera)

More cuteness

More videos

Halloween video

California Baby

Oh, goodness. So we didn't put up the Christmas decorations because we decided to wait till the last minute to have TMO come and pack us up. Like a week before we are set to leave. Same thing with the truck, we are just going to wait as long as we can and then prolly rent a car for the last few days since Matthew will have a lot of running around to do. We sorted through a bunch of stuff in the basement. And I have an overflowing box of donation stuff. So I felt pretty good about that... We listened to Christmas music all day today. It made us miss WDW. Almost a year to go. We are getting so excited.

Misters has been doing really well with the solid foods. His favorites are sweet potatoes, squash (also Mommy's favorite) and peas. He seems to be hit and miss on the carrots. He liked them yesterday, but today he would fake cough every time I gave him a spoonful. That's his idea of covering up that he;s spitting them out. He is so smart. And a little sneaky for a baby. I am completely serious, cuz he does the same thing with green beans, he turns his head, "coughs" and when he turns backs he's got it down his front. LOL. And tonight, it was SO hilarious cuz I was making him eat the carrots (I later figured out it was cuz they were still cold from the fridge.) and I gave him a spoonful, and he pounded his fist on the tray, and just gave me this look like, "Mom, what the heck? I don't want those!" It was SOOOOO funny because of the pounding of the fist. I am so glad Matthew was in the kitchen and got to see it too. The down side is the new foods are giving him some serious diaper rash. Today, he went poopy and his butt was SOOOOOO red and raw that a little spot was bleeding! I was freaking out. But I bought some California Baby Diaper Rash Cream, and it worked AMAZING. I put it on after the bad poopy, and by the VERY NEXT DIAPER CHANGE, the redness was almost gone. BY THE VERY NEXT CHANGE!!!! Like MAYBE a half an hour later. I am amazed and I will recommend it to everyone, and I think I shall start using all the California Baby stuff. I have read some great things about the brand, but I could never find it, and I didn't bother to order it... but I found it, where else, at Target, so I bought it. And I tried it, and I LOVE it. Hooray for California Baby. It has saved Misters' Butt!

Friday, November 07, 2008


I need to get out of my own head. I know that a lot of it comes from the fact that when I am scrubbing and sorting and patching, I have nothing else to do but think. I just cant shut it off. So every thought turns into a million thought and most of them aren't pleasant. A note to Mom, to whom I am sure this sounds familiar, I have yet to develop a fake fight with Matthew. And this is also being filed under the "turning into my Father" category. But I cant stop this negative, panic-y line of thinking. And it is stressing me out. And it is taking its toll on me, because where the invisible sunburn pain has subsided, the numbness is getting worse. I just want this to be over with. I want to be done with this move. I want to stop stressing about the fact that we are moving into the civilian world that sucks, not that this is a silver spoon environment. I just want to do well by Hayden. I know I will spend my life worrying about him, but right now its taking its toll on me. I made an appointment but I cant get in till the 18th. And that is to just get a referral to neurology, who knows when I will actually be able to get in there. I am thinking about going to the ER, hoping that would streamline the process but I don't know what I would do with the Misters. Especially if I have to undergo treatments cuz those steroids screw me up. And that isn't even considering what I would do with him for the three hours a day for 3 days. But I cant go around with numb fingers if there is something I could do about it. I am just sorry this has to happen right now. Like I don't have enough to worry about/do right now. Now I have to worry about trying to fit in chemical druggings too.

I have decided that I am going to be a hermit. I want to build a shack in the woods that is mine and no one can take it away. I want to disappear until I know it is safe to show back up. I need to quit watching TV and listening to people talk, and just keep the idealistic hope that everything will work out. I don't know. I'm scared. I have no faith in our country. I am so jaded and so cynical... I wish I could believe that things will get batter, but I don't believe that so I am more inclined to believe the negative predictions and the worse the predictions the more I believe it. Which may be a result of my negative thinking the past few weeks, which I addressed in a previous post. But I will work to become optimistic, but before I focus on the country, which I cant do right now. I have to retrain my brain to focus on the three people who live in this house. Because, right now, they are the only people who matter. I'm sorry, no, not sorry, its the truth. I have 3 people to to take care of, and that is my focus. Whatever happens, my focus is going to remain on Hayden, Matthew and myself. And I think that is where I have been going wrong. I keep worrying about the bigger world around us and by doing so, I have made my stress as big as that world. If I focus on the three of us, then my stress will shrink, theoretically, anyway.

I want to introduce MY Gov. Srah Palin

This is a 4 part interview that she did with Bob Lester on the Bob and Mark Morning Show. THIS is the Gov. Palin I know, the Sarah Palin I voted for. I didnt like the woman I saw on the National Stage. That wasnt my Gov. Palin. She doesnt need to be "Managed". I hope you cast away what you have seen, because while she was on the National level, I saw GLIMPSES of our Governor, which means you probably didnt see her until she went "Rogue".

But its over. Here we go into unknown territory.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Yikes! Job time.

I just applied for a job in Rockford. Yep, I did. Kinda scary. Like it makes it real, you know? Like I know that I am searching for a job, and in 76 days or so, I am going to need a job! I am jsust, I dont know, freaking a little. Not TOO much yet, but still a little bit. It is getting so close. If anyone would like to find us somewhere to live, i wont argue with that! LOL. But I did apply for a job, the one at KinderCare. I am pretty excited about it.

I have officially sorted through all my clothes, and I have a good box of donations. I said a quiet apology whenever I through in something that someone gave me. I am trying to be strong about this so I can get rid of some of the stuff that I never wear. I think I did pretty good, really. Like I said I have a nice sized box of stuff to donate. I am just getting so nervous.

And I know that the stress is getting to me cuz my fingers have gone numb. I have had that happen before, and I have had it happen because my back was out, but I know this is different cuz its more than tingling, its numb. I tried it out with cold, and its in both hands. I don't believe there is anything that they can do about this. If I did make an appointment they will probably want to do another MRI, which I probably need anyway, since it has been over two years since my last one, and I might as well do it while it is free, right? But the good news is that the nerve pain has subsided, for the most part, my neck is still a little sensitive. That sucked pretty bad. I have had some pain before, but that sucked. I guess I'll suck it up and call tomorrow to see what I need to do to get an MRI. Prolly have to go in to Family Practice to get a referral. That's awesome, Matthew will just have to find a ride to work I guess. Its a very weird sensation, not being able to feel the pads of your fingers. I can feel all around except right on the pads of 8 of my fingers (my thumbs seem to be fine right now) so I have to use the tips of my fingers, to type for example, otherwise I don't know what I am doing. Very strange.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Some updates

I hope this nerve thing is temporary. It is spreading though. Earlier it was just a patch about the size of my fist, that was so sensitive that it felt like a REALLY bad sunburn. So much so that I had to hold my shirt off my chest. As the night went on it spread across my chest, and up my left shoulder. I can best describe it as the worst sunburn you have ever had but without the heat. I've felt it before, usually it happens to my forearms, never y chest. Hopefully it doesn't stick around or I wont be wearing a shirt for awhile, but Hayden doesn't know he's hurting Mommy when he lays his head down on my chest, or when he plays with my shirt collar. Poor little baby.

I will be sending out pictures that we got taken on Friday. I will pick them up in a couple weeks.

We may have come full circle back to Rockford. I haven't decided how I feel about it, but I DO know that any real decision we come to will be ok with me at this point because this unknown thing is to stressful for me. If we decide on Rockford, at least that gives us a direction to focus in, you know?

We got an invitation for Thanksgiving. Craig (one of the Season Ticket Holders who sits in front of us) invited us to come and have Thanksgiving with them. So I think we are going to go. It should be a lot of fun. And he wants to take Hayden on his first sled ride (I am still unsure if this is sledding or "Alaskan Sledding" which means snow machine ((snow mobile to you Outsiders)) ) Either way, I trust Craig. And he is excited that we will be spending Hayden's 1st Thanksgiving with them. He just adores Misters (who doesn't?). Yesterday, Cathy (& Craig) were talking about how disappointed they were that they wouldn't get to watch Hayden grow up. But it should be a good time.

Misters is getting to be VERY mobile. He still doesn't get up on all fours (which I never figured he would do anyway) But he gets to where he wants to go, and he gets there FAST. He is still doing the twisting inch worm thing, but it is working for him and I think he is perfecting it cuz one minute he is by the table the next minute I look and he is in the living room trying to eat the DVDs. Or in the kitty's toy box. When he wants to get in his Bouncer, he'll go over to it and pull on the seat to let us know that he wants to get up in it. He cant quite sit by himself yet, but he is getting close. If you sit him up he'll sit for a few seconds and then he'll either fold forward or fall over, but he is sitting for longer and longer. And if we stand him up, he'll support himself VERY well. If he wants to stand up, he'll make his way to the wicker box in the living room and pound on the side of it. He likes to hang onto your fingers so he can stand. Like this picture.

Still no teeth. He has his 6 month appointment on the 13th (ten days before 7 months). I am interested to see how much he has gained from the 23rd. He feels bigger. He is eating so much. He LOVES oatmeal and peaches. We're giving him more actual fruit so we can cut down on juice. Since the only reason he was having the juice was because he wasn't eating solids yet, so now that he is, we don't have to give him the juice. He should be ready to have a good Thanksgiving meal! :)

Thursday, October 30, 2008


I am sick of this overwhelming feeling of dread. I am expecting the worse for the upcoming months. I just figure if I expect the worse, then when it doesn't happen, it will be a relief. The plan is backfiring. I thought it was the way to cope with this, but I am being swallowed by it instead. Now I am so worried about everything going wrong that its now ALL I can do. And there is this cloud of sheer dread around me all of the time. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, when I was in a mildly good mood and Matthew thought something was wrong with me, because I was smiling and laughing. I didn't know I was so unhappy that I was like that all the time. That being mildly happy yesterday made him worried about me. That scares me. That means that it has gone beyond my control. I know it is, because I cant quit eating, the stress has become too much. I am shaking, and i an cry at a drop of a hat. My eye has been twitching for a few weeks now. I am snapping at Matthew. I am spending all my positive emotions on Hayden, and everything else is suffering. I cant even look at myself in the mirror. All because I wanted to be prepared for the worst, and now I don't know how to turn it back around. There is a talk I have to have with Matthew that is weighing on me, and that's why I haven't done it yet. But I have to get it over with. I just cant believe that it has so overwhelmed me without me knowing. Everything is slipping out of my control and I don't like not being in control. I never would have imagined that my preparedness about "the worse" would become my attitude about everything, even towards myself. And it is a downward spiral. So I am going to hand some control over to Matthew and I will hope that he can help me pull it back up and save me from myself. I cant save me from myself...