Sigh.

I need to get out of my own head. I know that a lot of it comes from the fact that when I am scrubbing and sorting and patching, I have nothing else to do but think. I just cant shut it off. So every thought turns into a million thought and most of them aren't pleasant. A note to Mom, to whom I am sure this sounds familiar, I have yet to develop a fake fight with Matthew. And this is also being filed under the "turning into my Father" category. But I cant stop this negative, panic-y line of thinking. And it is stressing me out. And it is taking its toll on me, because where the invisible sunburn pain has subsided, the numbness is getting worse. I just want this to be over with. I want to be done with this move. I want to stop stressing about the fact that we are moving into the civilian world that sucks, not that this is a silver spoon environment. I just want to do well by Hayden. I know I will spend my life worrying about him, but right now its taking its toll on me. I made an appointment but I cant get in till the 18th. And that is to just get a referral to neurology, who knows when I will actually be able to get in there. I am thinking about going to the ER, hoping that would streamline the process but I don't know what I would do with the Misters. Especially if I have to undergo treatments cuz those steroids screw me up. And that isn't even considering what I would do with him for the three hours a day for 3 days. But I cant go around with numb fingers if there is something I could do about it. I am just sorry this has to happen right now. Like I don't have enough to worry about/do right now. Now I have to worry about trying to fit in chemical druggings too.

I have decided that I am going to be a hermit. I want to build a shack in the woods that is mine and no one can take it away. I want to disappear until I know it is safe to show back up. I need to quit watching TV and listening to people talk, and just keep the idealistic hope that everything will work out. I don't know. I'm scared. I have no faith in our country. I am so jaded and so cynical... I wish I could believe that things will get batter, but I don't believe that so I am more inclined to believe the negative predictions and the worse the predictions the more I believe it. Which may be a result of my negative thinking the past few weeks, which I addressed in a previous post. But I will work to become optimistic, but before I focus on the country, which I cant do right now. I have to retrain my brain to focus on the three people who live in this house. Because, right now, they are the only people who matter. I'm sorry, no, not sorry, its the truth. I have 3 people to to take care of, and that is my focus. Whatever happens, my focus is going to remain on Hayden, Matthew and myself. And I think that is where I have been going wrong. I keep worrying about the bigger world around us and by doing so, I have made my stress as big as that world. If I focus on the three of us, then my stress will shrink, theoretically, anyway.