Monday, July 12, 2010


"Sometimes, though, you ask, "Why? Why try my hardest when it ends in disappointment? Why go through something when it's going to hurt? Why?"

Because it's going to be different this time! Because you can't accomplish anything that you give up on. Disappointments and failures happen to everyone. The difference between those who reach their goals and those who don't is staying motivated. If you're motivated, you'll keep going. If you keep going, eventually you'll reach your goal."

Sunday, July 11, 2010

New Milestone

My 3.6 lb lost this week has pushed me past 50 lbs lost. I made a few changes this week that seemed to really help with my wall. I made more of an effort to eat breakfast, which I have not been doing the last couple of months. I know its important, but I am not hungry and I usually don't have time. This week I have just been throwing a bagel flat and my white chocolate peanut butter in my purse and toasting it at work, and eating on my first break. It seems to really be making a difference because by noon I am not famished and snacking on the candy! Vickie and I are also consistently doing at least 3 miles a night, sometimes four. I want to add in some serious strength training too. I know I have been saying that for awhile now, but I know it is something that I need to be doing! It may be this week, or next week, but i will be starting that soon too. This week I will add bike riding to the equation also so hopefully I will have another good week.

I do feel good. Its hard to really revel in my 50 lbs (which seems silly because its 50 POUNDS!!!!) because I have so far yet to go, but come on, its 50 pounds! And right before my birthday... Its bitter sweet, I guess. Why can't I feel better about this? I will. I know why, because I haven't gotten to really appreciate what I have accomplished. I still see that other person when I look in the mirror. The fact that this new person is still wearing, and hiding in, the clothes of that other person doesn't help. But right now I still have the need to hide. I am starting to want to be more... visible, I guess, but I am still hiding, and I know it.

Mom and I went shopping today for my birthday. It was a bit disappointing. I needed denim capris (my first mistake) and I couldn't find any in my new size anywhere. I guess when you are suddenly the same size as a lot of other people, your clothes selection becomes smaller. I did find a pair at Dress Barn (sz 16!) and a REALLY cute top that I will probably wear on my birthday. And I found a couple tops at Old Navy that really were cute, cuz they make my waist look small and my boobs look big so that is a bonus! LOL. I got a couple pairs of new walking pants since Vickie informed me that I REALLY needed to invest in some smaller pants, so I did. There was a REALLY cute pair at JC Penny's that I wanted but they were just a bit too small. I could have gotten them, but they wouldn't have fit for another month or so (maybe less depending on how the changes pay off.) So I guess it wasn't all that disappointing overall, more targeted towards Kohls. Last time we went there I ound all kinds of stuff. It IS the end of the season though, so I shouldn't be all that surprised. I suppose that is how it goes though, sometimes you hit big and sometime you don't find anything. The important thing is that I had a fun day with Mom and Hayden, I have lost 50 pounds, Saturday is my birthday, and I feel really good.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Fat Girl

I still feel like that fat girl. I have been focusing so much on the issues that got me to where I was, but I have given no thought to where I am trying to go. No thought to how I move past seeing that fat girl in my mirror. I know she is gone, she is disappearing from my body, but not from my eyes. I don't know how to dress this new person. I am still buying baggy clothes, only in smaller sizes. I am pretty sure I could have gone a size smaller than I did, but its like I am scared to. I still have to hide. I am still afraid. Afraid of failing. Its starting to get to me. I think its the reason (or one of the reasons) behind my plateau. I am tiny steps away from a major milestone and its like I am trying to keep myself from reaching it, and that makes me mad at myself for doing it.

I am hoping that getting this bike will be the push I need to get over this hurdle. It is so much more than a bike right now. I know it probably sounds silly to you. Here is why:

I have had so many things taken from me that I had no control over and for a very long time I thought that riding a bike was one of them. To someone who doesn't, and hopefully will never, have to involuntarily give something like that up, it may seem like such a small, silly thing, but to me it is not. It is representative of the things that I will never be able to do again. Things I enjoyed doing, like rolling blading, for example. I don't have a sense of balance. I guess more accurately a very poor sense of balance. I struggle everyday to keep my own body under control. I have troubles with my right leg when I get tired. It is very apparent when I am out walking and we are getting towards the end of the three miles. My right leg... I have to concentrate to lift it up high enough that I don't trip. So these small things are not all that small to me, but they are things that a 'normal' person doesn't have to think twice about because they don't have trouble making sure their foot leaves the ground enough that they don't trip, and I am glad that people don't have to deal with it. So still being able to ride a means that I still have some control over my body. I can still do the things I like to do. I do have control over my body, even when I feel like I don't, and I think this extends beyond my MS into my weight loss efforts too. I do have control over my body, my choices and my weight. I have to stop being afraid of it. Stop being afraid of failure. Stop being afraid of losing things that I cant control and start owning the things I CAN control.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Ok, this article really helped me feel better

4 Reasons Diets Fail
By Joy Bauer, M.S., R.D., C.D.N.

So many of the weight loss clients I've worked with one-on-one in my New York City practice admit to being professional dieters. They've tried every weight loss plan, scheme, and promise under the sun and failed miserably over and over again. And 9 times out of 10, their attempts flop because of one--or some combination--of the four reasons I discuss below. That being said, awareness is key and if you know what mistakes to watch out for, you're already a step ahead of the pack. Here's what you need to know--and can do--to immediately boost your chance of long-term success.

Reason #1: You're not fully committed.

I always tell clients at our first session together: Weight loss is at least 50 percent attitude. If you're not truly ready to make a full-time commitment to losing weight, chances of long-term success are pretty slim. That's because when efforts are half-hearted from the get-go, people typically lose interest in their diet soon after they start. The sad truth is, it's not really worth starting a weight loss program if your head isn't in the game.

How to Prevail:

My best advice is to do some serious soul-searching and identify a significant and enduring source of personal motivation for finally shedding the extra weight. Maybe it's to better manage health conditions... or to be around for your kids and grandkids... or to finally feel more comfortable in your own skin and boost your energy level.
The bottom line is that this motivation has to come from within YOU
. Then, strengthen your resolve and recharge your motivation every single day with positive self talk and daily or weekly goals. I think long term goals are terrific, but short term goals can be even more powerful because they reinforce success every step of the way.

Reason #2: You expect miracles.

Individuals who launch a new diet with unreasonable expectations regarding how much weight they're going to lose each week--or who have an unrealistic goal weight in mind--are signing themselves up for trouble. If you can't match your desired pace of weight loss, you'll more than likely end up terribly disappointed and quickly jump ship.

How to Prevail:

Though you'll probably see a dramatic drop on the scale during the first few weeks on a new diet, most people eventually average out at a loss of one to three pounds per week for the duration of their plan. And if they do shed pounds more quickly than that--say, by fasting for long stretches of time--they're more likely to gain the weight back... and then some.
I know television shows and infomercial success stories lead you to believe that you can melt off fat in a matter of weeks, but the truth is, successful weight loss is a slow and steady process. If you can accept this fact and buckle down for the long haul, you will ultimately be handsomely rewarded with better health, a smashing figure, and newfound confidence.

Reason #3: Your plan isn't sustainable.

If you're following an extreme weight loss plan that doesn't even slightly resemble "normal" eating, there's a good chance your efforts won't last. And, in my opinion, subsisting entirely on shakes, smoothies, cookies, or tonics isn't normal eating. When you view a diet as a short-term deviation from your typical eating habits, rather than a long-term lifestyle change, you will almost certainly have a hard time maintaining your weight loss.

How to Prevail:

A diet should be based on appropriate amounts of healthy foods that keep you feeling satisfied and energized--not cranky and deprived. Most importantly, a diet should be viewed as a launching pad for a long-term lifestyle change. That's because to lose weight and keep it off forever, you really will have to permanently change your eating habits. With that in mind, it's important to choose an eating plan that you can easily transition into lifetime maintenance.
And while I can appreciate how provocative some of these quick-fix, restrictive diet plans can be, they truly are a set-up for failure and yo-yo dieting. Without fail, every restrictive plan has a calorific binge waiting right around the corner. Not the way to go for long term success. Instead, a food plan you can stick with for life is key.

Reason #4: You can't forgive your slip-ups.

This is an incredibly common diet pitfall. When people inevitably give into temptation and subsequently "fall of the wagon" for one meal or one day, they tell themselves they've blown their diet and throw in the towel for good. To be successful, you have to learn to overcome these temporary setbacks. You can't let one binge or one "off day" turn into a full week, or month, of splurging. Unfortunately, it can be incredibly difficult for some individuals to break this cycle of negative thinking.

How to Prevail:

Don't dwell on your mistakes. Instead, shake it off and get right back on track at your very next meal... or the very next day. And always remember, nobody gains weight from one rich dinner or a single slice of cake. The real trouble starts when you allow that one "splurge" to snowball into an all-out eating frenzy. Take it one meal at a time and learn to forgive yourself; every dieter has slip-ups, but the successful ones know how to keep those occasional lapses contained.
I feel like I have hit a wall. I still have this burning desire to march forward, but I don't know how to get past this wall. I feel like I am ever trudging onward but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. For the past month, I have kind of just been stagnant. I haven't gained anything, I am losing 1 or 2 pounds a week, which is fine, but not how I want to be going. I am trying to push myself a little harder, but I cant get past this sweet tooth that has re-emerged. And the thing is, sweets give me a stomach ache now, but I cant stop myself from eating them. Sabotage. Self-induced. Its a battle with myself. am still winning, just barely. Small victories are still victories, at least that is what I am telling myself anyway.