Fat Girl

I still feel like that fat girl. I have been focusing so much on the issues that got me to where I was, but I have given no thought to where I am trying to go. No thought to how I move past seeing that fat girl in my mirror. I know she is gone, she is disappearing from my body, but not from my eyes. I don't know how to dress this new person. I am still buying baggy clothes, only in smaller sizes. I am pretty sure I could have gone a size smaller than I did, but its like I am scared to. I still have to hide. I am still afraid. Afraid of failing. Its starting to get to me. I think its the reason (or one of the reasons) behind my plateau. I am tiny steps away from a major milestone and its like I am trying to keep myself from reaching it, and that makes me mad at myself for doing it.


I am hoping that getting this bike will be the push I need to get over this hurdle. It is so much more than a bike right now. I know it probably sounds silly to you. Here is why:

I have had so many things taken from me that I had no control over and for a very long time I thought that riding a bike was one of them. To someone who doesn't, and hopefully will never, have to involuntarily give something like that up, it may seem like such a small, silly thing, but to me it is not. It is representative of the things that I will never be able to do again. Things I enjoyed doing, like rolling blading, for example. I don't have a sense of balance. I guess more accurately a very poor sense of balance. I struggle everyday to keep my own body under control. I have troubles with my right leg when I get tired. It is very apparent when I am out walking and we are getting towards the end of the three miles. My right leg... I have to concentrate to lift it up high enough that I don't trip. So these small things are not all that small to me, but they are things that a 'normal' person doesn't have to think twice about because they don't have trouble making sure their foot leaves the ground enough that they don't trip, and I am glad that people don't have to deal with it. So still being able to ride a bike...it means that I still have some control over my body. I can still do the things I like to do. I do have control over my body, even when I feel like I don't, and I think this extends beyond my MS into my weight loss efforts too. I do have control over my body, my choices and my weight. I have to stop being afraid of it. Stop being afraid of failure. Stop being afraid of losing things that I cant control and start owning the things I CAN control.