Monday, May 31, 2004

Fishing

So to kill time up here there isnt much to do if you dont like to fish. Matthew tells me I will learn to love it. We'll see. We went out with his buddy Smith and went fishing tonight. I had more fun than I thought I would. I bought some beer just in case though. Old habits die hard I guess. We were at the lake and it was about 11:00 pm. The sun was just setting. The clouds were pink and purple andgold. OIt was reflecting off the water. It was so pretty. Then out of no where this eagle comes just gliding in circles. He swoops down and catches his fish and percs in a tree not far from us. It was so beautiful. For a second I forgot that I hated it here. Maybe there is potential. The mountains were really pretty tonight. That whole purple mountain''s majesty thing had new meaning. Maybe there is potential.
Mom called today. I miss her so much. She said she thought of me when Aunt Joyce pulled a tube of frosting out of her purse in church and her and mom got the giggles. Me and mom always got the giggles in church. I miss her. I miss my life.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Lottsa thinkin

For as long as I can remember I lived in a world of my own creation. WQhen I was young, I had lotsa frienfds but my favorite playmtes werent real. They were all in my head and they were all what I needed them to be. They did what I wanted thwm to do. Soon and so forth.I have a way of getting people to do what I want. Not in a bad way, but when I am around people I am in control. paople want to be around me and I can choose whether or not I want to be around them. I do of course. I thrive in the company of paople. They are my lifeblood. My friends are what i live for. They make me who I am. I feel alive when paople want to be around me. I feel exlierated when someone chooses tme as their friend. I hate when paople dont like me. It is literally painful. That is the bitch in me. Everyone has to like me but I dont have to like everyone. but it is very rare for me to not like someone. It takes alot for me to not like someone, theyhave to do something really bad. In my book that is one of two things: Hurt my family (which doesnt have to be blood, I mean My family and my closest friends who I consider my family) and my friends. you hurt one of those peole and God help you. I am extremely loyal. Its who I am because I expect nothing less.

Anyway, back to the point, My world has always been in my control. Always. And Now I am soooo not in control. I am in a place I have never been before. I mean there have been situations where I can't control what is happening but I can control how I act. right now I cant. I cry at the drop of a hat. Its all I can do to hide it from Matt. That kills me. A week into our marriage and i am hiding stuff. But it isnt out of malice. I dont wnat him to hurt because I do. I know thats what marriage is about, but it is all new to me and I am not used to letting people into my deep private thoughts. I guess this is the fruits of my choices. And maybe I am just working all of this out on paper.Well, I guess I should get supper started. Or at least planned. Ha. Domestic Goddess I am not.

Continued Thoughts

Matthew had to work today so I am left by myself. I have no car. and nothing to do but sit and think. Thinking is dangerous. Thinking leads to feeling and I cant deal with my feelings right now. I am quick to cry. Though I am careful not to let Matthew see my tears. He is so happy to have me here. And I am so happy to finally be with him, I dont want him to think that I am unhappy. I'm not. I just miss my friends. It is so hard to say good-bye to Matt when he leaves but I never imagined how hard it would be to be on the other side of that and say good-bye to everyone I know. It is pretty here. I can see the mountains. I will post a pic as soon as I figure out how this works. I'm gonna try to unpack today. It isnt going to be easy. All of those things that I brought from home. I know that in time this will become my home. I never thought that my apartment in Iowa City would be home but after time began referring to it as home. And mom and dad's house became "my parent's house" and not "home". That will happen in time. But it is so hard. I am so scared. We are out on our own. We have to be adults now. I'm nopt so sure I can be an adult. But I am going to enjoy being married and I have to start thinking of this as my life. Not my punishment. It is an adventure. The one thing that got me through all those months and years without Matt, what I would tell myself everytime he walked away from me to get back on a plane was this:

I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.

I have been through a lot. And I can do anything.

Friday, May 28, 2004

My First post

I thought this would be easier than writing all y'all and telling the same stories. We have made the trip up north. It was long and tiring but it is over. I love being married and I get a tingly feeling when Matthewe calls me his wife. But I have never been so lonely. Imiss my friends more than I can say. ANd I miss my family. Matt makes me hapopy but there isa void that he can never fill. I cant tell him that cuz he would take it personally but I cant help the way I feel. We have attempted to asemble a futon./ The first test of our marriage.. This mat seems silly but If you were present when we tried to assemble his parent's gri9ll you would understand. Well, that is all for today. There is more to tel but I have stuff to do.