Today I Looked in the Mirror

.... and I looked strong. I am starting to look like an athlete. Today is my first 5K. It is just the first step.

Today I Looked in the Mirror...

...and HONESTLY thought I looked thin(ner). It wasn't a positive thought I was just telling myself because I WANTED to believe it. I saw my reflection and I saw the miles that I have walked, the weights I have lifted, the good fuel I have eaten, the cookies I have passed up... I was a good start to the day.

The Day Before Race Day

Who would've thought I would be nerve about doing the Eager Beaver? LOL. It makes me giggle. All those years I thought "Why would anyone get up and do that? For fun?" :) I did the route yesterday to be prepared. I was trying to decide where I would feel comfortable running and where I was going to walk. I have no intention of running the whole thing, but I will run part of it. I am going to rely on Vickie to keep me going on pace. My walking tends to slow down after I run a section so I will need her to push me, but I know she needs me too. But I was in no hurry yesterday and I walked it in about 45 minutes so at least I know I will be done in about 45 minutes. I don't know why I am so nervous. Vickie and I routinely walk 3-4 miles 5-6 times a week, so its nothing out of my comfort zone, except that it is timed, I suppose. When we walk its just us and now there will be lots of people there, but I think it is more the timed aspect than anything. Today is a rest and relaxation day. I am not going to the Y unless I feel like sitting in the Hot Tub, or Steam room or something. I walked yesterday, and I went and worked arms with Matthew last night so i am all set to force myself to take today off. My challenge today will be not feeling guilty about not exercising because if I feel guilty enough I will go and do it anyway and sabotage myself for tomorrow.

Fight of the Fat Girl

It seems that my longest and hardest battle of this journey is not going to be with food, or with exercise, but with the Fat Girl. When I look in the mirror, she is all I can see. I don't see this new person unless it is a picture that was taken. It is the opposite of what it used to be when I was big. I would look at myself and not see that Fat Girl, unless it was in a picture. Irony at its best, right? For a long time, I couldn't see where I had let myself go, but now it is all I CAN see. I wish I could see through her and see where I have come. Sometimes, I can see it. Like when I put on a tee shirt that used to be too small, and now fits. Or my over sized sweatshirts are actually oversized and comfy, instead of just 'fits'.

It is the battle inside my head that seems to be the hardest part for me. I don't have a problem with the working out anymore, because now I enjoy it, and I feel like I am missing something when I don't work out. The food is easier now, yes, I slip up, but its easier to not hold it against myself like I did. I can accept that I will slip up and I can just resolve to do better, and I do because I WANT to. When it comes to the Fat Girl Brain Battle...I seem to be struggling. Sometimes she comes back out and I cant control it. She makes me revert back to those feelings of being not good enough. She convinces me that I don't deserve this, and that I can't be loved at any size. I know that she has been in control for awhile now, because it has been having an effect on my relationship with Matthew again. I just have had such a hard time lately believing that he isn't just biding his time with me until he finds something better. You would think that 10 years together would convince me otherwise, but I don't think there is much logic in the Fat Girl's Battle tactics. I need better Battle Tactics. I am fighting to believe that I do deserve my life. I deserve to be happy in my life. I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. Why doesn't she want me to be happy with that? Why cant she just realize that all of the doubt and fear and negative feelings are her own doing? Why can't I just realize that it is my own doing? And why cant I realize that if I can do that damage, i can also fix it?

Today I looked in the mirror

and I saw progress. I saw a smaller tummy, thinner legs. I saw a glimpse of what I am becoming, and it felt good.

Why, yes, I am a chicken...

Ok, so I didn't go to swim class again last night. I tried. i had my bag with my suit. I brought clothes and underwear to change into afterwards. I had every intention of going. I stood in the changing room, frozen for about 20 minutes. Trying desperately to make myself go. To make myself change into my suit and just GO! 20 minutes and a few almost tears later, i chickened out and put on my gym clothes and hit the treadmills instead. I don't know what I am afraid of. The unknown I guess. i don't want to look foolish because I don't know where to go, or what to do. So I chickened out and walked instead. But as punishment for skipping yet another class, i made myself run. And would you believe it? I LIKED it. I have had the urge to run for awhile now, but I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't. I did 2 miles. i was feeling pretty good. I am a little sore today, which i don't mind, I just cant get over the fact that I actually LIKED running. I used to wonder why on earth you would run for fun, but I can see why now. i have known for awhile now that there was a runner buried deep down in me, under all this extra weight, and she is finally starting to break free. I will start slow. But I really want to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February, but I don't know if I will be ready for it by 2011, so I want to definitely do it in 2012. I just kind of hope I am not knocked up by then, which is a possibility... anyway, I just I am transitioning myself into becoming a runner. i am kind of excited about that idea. I would have NEVER thought of myself as a runner. I need to get a good brace for my knee cuz that is the only thing I can see standing between me and 16 miles. I am not afraid of the work it will take cuz it will help me on my fitness journey. I don't want my physical limitations keep me from doing everything I want to do! Anyway, the DPHM benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I can think of no better way to give my support to my Mom and Uncle Dan, and honor my Grandpa than by completing this challenge. By improving my life, my health, it is like I respect their lives enough not to continue wasting my own, which is what I have been doing. So in chickening out, I have found something so much more than I even knew to look for. WHO SAYS THINGS DON'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

It has been awhile...

...Since my last post. I have had a major milestone since then. Last Sunday I hit 60 pounds lost. For some reason, unknown to me, this resonates more deeply with me then the 50 pound mark did. I don't know why, but I am not going to argue either. I took Amanda's advice, when I felt like I had hit the wall, and changed things up. She told me the most important thing you can do when you feel stuck is to change up your routine, cuz it has, in fact, become routine. So that is what I have done. I have started lifting more, not as much as I probably should, but it is a start. Matthew and I have joined the Y because they have some great weight machines, and some classes that I would like to take like water aerobics and Zumba. I have yet to bring myself to go to the water aerobics class because I have 'first day of school' jitters. So hopefully, today, I will get past that and go to class. I just feel like the new kid, going into an established class... in a swimming suit.... Its like a bad dream. BUT the point is that EVERYONE is in a swimming suit and we are all there to exercise.



I am still not keeping track of my food like I should be. I want to put a bit more effort into doing that again. That is my new goal. Again. :) I still have yet to take my bike out cuz it has been so effing hot. I am a bit disappointed with that, but since I cant control the weather, I will wait until it cools off a bit. Until then, I need to come up with some sort of Y schedule. I don't like pawning Hayden off on Mom and Dad all the time, but I am not ready to leave him at the Y Play center. I know that I will have to eventually because Mom will not always be available to watch him, but I hate leaving him with strangers. I feel like I am abandoning him to be selfish, and while that may not be the truth, it is the truth in my head and that is all that matters.

Other than those things, nothing is really different. I have been pretty bummed about it being too hot to walk, lately. This heat is just annoying me! I have been tossing around the idea of walking the Eager Beaver in a couple weeks. Of course I am going to have to wak up early and that doesnt really appeal to me so much, but I thought it might be something I could do. Vickie says its only like 3 miles or something like that and we regularly do that distance anyway so I have been thinking about that. i supopose I need to make a decision rather quickly on that front.

I went to the doctor yesterday cuz I havent beenable to get over this sinus crap, and I didnt dread getting weighed in! That was, I believe, was a first! My BP was 116/70 which was VERY exciting! I don't remeber the last time my BP was 'normal.' So it was actually a good trip to the doctor. I dont have those very often. Mom was very excited for me. She told me that I probably saved myself from diabetes, and I know that she is right. I know that, and probably much worse, was in my near future. I dont have to fear going to the doctor anymore cuz I am too embarassed of my health.

So i guess I will try to be a little better about my updates, but until next time, here's to steps forward, major milestones, and (hopefully) overcoming fears.