Monday, September 29, 2008

Day One...

...has drained me. I had fun though. Its good to be with Julie and Brian. Things are a little weird without Shirley. I don't know how to feel about it. I am very conflicted cuz Carol is a very nice lady, but it seems strange w/o Shirley here. I cant imagine how Matthew is feeling, probably similar though. We'll probably discuss it tonight. Jim didn't come along with us today. I think that hurt Matthew. I cant explain...I am just here for Matthew and to drive the car. And take pictures. I finally had an excuse to get out and get some pictures of the trees before the leaves all fall off. I have been meaning to do it for, oh, about 4 years now and this year I actually did it! I really just totally forgot to take pictures today, but we didn't do a WHOLE lot today. We went to eat at Moose's Tooth. It was pretty good. I stole a plate. Its a pretty awesome plate. Matthew agreed so he actually let me steal it (he even helped!) usually he yells at me. And we bought a pint glass that matches the plate. Yes, we bought it. They didn't serve their beer in pretty glasses like the Brewhouse. Probably cuz people steal them, lol. Ok, Matthew is home time for bed!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Saturday, September 27, 2008

New noises

I guess alot of these turned out to be more for audio reasons then anything else but I hope you enjoy them. I dont know how much posting I will get done with Matthew's family here, so hopefully these will tide you over for a few days.

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Daddy's in charge

THis is what goes on while Mommy is at work.

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Friday, September 26, 2008

Tooth Watch '08

My poor little baby. He has been working so hard to get these teeth out, but they just wont pop. I can feel them right under the surface, but they wont come out and I know he is hurting. Mom said my first teeth came around 5 1/2 month so I wouldn't be surprised if they show up in the next week, but the poor little guy. He is quite the roller. He tried to roll off the changing table this morning. That was a first. He has never tried to get up over the railings before, so we will be needing to keep a closer eye on him (not that we don't now, we just don't worry about him rolling over the railings!) He LOVES to watch football. He is just absolutely transfixed by it. He is doing pretty good with the cereal. I made it a little thicker this time, and it was a better experience. He is kinda hit and miss on the tongue thing, sometimes he swallows it fine and sometimes he pushes it out with his tongue. But just like everything else, one day at a time. I am not in a hurry to lose these baby days. I have to stop myself when I start wanting him to crawl or whatever. I have to stop wishing his babyhood away, cuz it only lasts for so long. My little Misters is already so big, and I just keep urging him on, trying to move him to the next stage, which is fine for encouragement, but at the same time I don't want to dismiss him being a baby. Or maybe I should say, I don't want to MISS him being a baby. So when he cries I will squeeze him a little tighter, and when he laughs I will laugh with him and I will cherish every moment!

Anyway, we are actively in "Toothy Watch '08" mode so I will keep you updated.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

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First Cereal

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I'm Free. today is the day. it's over.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

5 Months

my baby is 5 months today. 5 months already. My little man. I cant believe how fast time is going...

Monday, September 22, 2008

He's such a Guy...

Arg, I am so sore. My shins hurt so bad. And my Achilles heel muscles are sore. But I actually feel really good. I am sore, but I feel really good. Matthew is still harping on me to exercise. It is starting to really bug me. Again. I know I discussed this previously, about me needing to do this because I want to do it, not because he is making me, which is how it is starting to feel again. We got into a heated discussion about this with him declaring that he will just stop caring about me then, and me being a silent bitch which is my favorite way to fight. We resolved that he would sit over by the computer and care and I would sit on the couch and be pissed/annoyed and that was what we agreed on. He is just such a guy. I was complaining that my shins hurt and made the comment that if I walked normal (heel-toe) rather than flat footed like I do, my shins wouldn't hurt enough. Well, being a guy, he thought that meant I needed him to solve the problem, when I just wanted some sympathy. He told me I should start walking around the block, concentrating on walking heel-toe to break the habit. It was also a good way for him to subtly tell me to exercise more. Which was too much. I could have shrugged off the need to "solve" my "problem", but it was the underlying exercise jab that pissed me off, especially since I am SO sore from working my ass off this weekend, and he's not giving me the sympathy I want, instead he's harping on me. ARG! So annoying. But kisses goodnight were given and all is well. It is just so funny (and a bit irritating) that when he fishes for sympathy/compliments and I do to him what he does to me (i.e. solve his issue, or tell him what to do differently) he gets all baby-like and says "Why don't you love me?" Because I'm not fawning all over him like he wants. But when I want sympathy and he giving me "solutions" I need to accept them and appreciate his suggestions, even when they are not wanted. And so I say again, he is such a guy!

Oh, and I told him that those videos were too funny to delete so I posted them. And he was like "Really?" and he watched them and was CRACKING up. The reaction he has at the end of the short video is his reaction to spit up, but he didnt know that he made that noise, and he just thought it was so funny and watched it like 5 times, just laughing harder each time. Which made me laugh cuz he is laughing. He's like "good thing you didnt delete that. I didnt realize it was so funny." I am just SO happy I watched them before I deleted them, instead of taking his word for it and just deleteing them.

My Big Boy

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Daddy and Hayden

Matthew told me to delete these cuz he didnt think they were very good, but I thought they were adorable and Mommy makes the decisions regarding videos and pictures. So here they are:

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Hayden, Jackie and the Jumeroo

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

OOOOWWWWWWWWW!

So I put in a whole day today. It was the case lot sale today. It was BRUTAL! And I am SORE. BUT I made some good money today so we will have some to spare for when People are up here next week. Since I wont be getting much work done then. But my back is killing me. You can only load so many cases of laundry detergent before you want to scream. Thank goodness I still have some Norco left over from after Hayden was born, so I plan on that getting me through tomorrow, which is the last day of the Case Lot sale. If I can do as good tomorrow as I did today we should be good.

I probably wont get much cleaning done this week. I don't know how many more nights I can go without sleep. Its starting to wear on me, I think. But Matthew can help out a little bit too. Mostly, at this point, it just picking up, and vacuuming. So I guess its not that bad. I just don't want to do it. That's what it really comes down to...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Karma: The Bathroom Edition

I think my head is going to explode. I have immersed me in allergy nightmares this week. Namely the basement which is filled with Jackie's hair and dander and now I am paying the price. Plus I am out of coffee so I am sure this is a caffeine headache also, so that cant be helping. I spent last night cleaning the kitchen. I deserted the drip pans, finally, and bought new ones. I tried to scrub the grease off the cupboards over the oven, but they still feel sticky. And what I don't get is why the cupboards are so sticky and the oven hood was hardly dirty at all. And a lot of it was just Jackie fur... And I wipe down the cupboards 600% more often then I clean the inside of the oven hood! I didn't scrub the floors and I STILL haven't done the upstairs bathroom. Honestly, I think I am putting it off. I know this is my punishment for never doing my chores (cleaning the bathrooms) as a kid. Cu Matthew doesn't clean the bathroom, and Katie never cleaned the bathroom either. So if it was to be done it had to be done by me. Its the same now. And I know its karma for not doing it when I was younger. Guess what one of Hayden's chores is going to be! LOL.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Baby's are in bed...

This is the best part of my day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love playing with Hayden all day, but it gets tedious because I cant DO anything else. I scrubbed out the fridge today. That's it. No, we did go to Wal-Mart cuz Misters needed pants. Poor little man is still in 3 month sized pants and they about an inch too short. And I was once again disgusted at the lack of choices. The girls had a whole 4 tiered shelf unit dedicated to pants and shirt combos. The boys had two pegs. TWO PEGS!!!! So I got both of them cuz lord knows when I may find more pants. Cant find them at the BX anymore. That's right, I cant find PANTS at the BX anymore. None, unless I want to buy the whole $15 outfit for one pair of pants. AND while I am on the subject of pants, why cant I find black pants for him? Some knit black pants, like all of his other pants, just black. Nowhere. Not even online. I cant find them. So if you happen to find any let me know where so I can get some in every size since they are IMPOSSIBLE to find. I want them for the hockey games cuz black will match better. I also need black shoes, which I found at the BX (shockingly) but I didn't buy them, for whatever reason. I am down to 4 pairs of pants (not counting the four I bought today) I hope the next time I go to the BX they will have put out some pants. Otherwise, my next option is Fred Meyers, I guess. The poor boy needs pants that fit and with snow on its way, he needs them soon. So I guess we will be taking another trip tomorrow. I don't know where else to go. JCP has a pitiful selection also. I didn't think about Old Navy though. We have one of those... maybe they will have something... So either way I guess we are going to have to go on a little trip tomorrow.

Unrelated side note: Smokes-a-lot neighbor is vacuuming at 8:30 at night. Annoying.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

One day at a time...

I have decided that my stress is rooted in my fears of moving. I am not stressed, I am scared. And that is an important difference. Because I AM scared. I am more scared about this move than I was about moving to Alaska. Of course, there are LARGE differences between the two. At least I will be closer to home. I keep telling myself, I will be closer to home, I will be closer to home. I just need to do this the same way I have done everything else, one day at a time. I have gotten through everything else that way. I have gotten through the last 4 years away from home, one day at a time. I have gotten through the last 2 years, since L.A., one day at a time. And I will get through this one day at a time... And I will continue to sort and clean and make my lists because it is my way to deal with my fears. Because it is the only thing I know how to do. I will continue to do what I can because it is the only thing I can do. And sink or swim, we will do this together. Because that is how we have done everything. We will do this as a family, and we will do our best... People do it all of the time. We can too.

Am I trying to convince you, or myself?

Its that time

A warning for our visitors, there is termination dust on the mountains, and snow in the forcast for the 26th. Just be aware when you are packing, that for you, you're packing for early winter, NOT fall.

It Came!!!

He was pretty unsure about this at first. He wouldn't put his feet on the ground, but once he discovered that it made noise when he moved, he started to enjoy it a lot more. Thank you Grandma Rosies!

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Monday, September 15, 2008

Accomplished

I have had a productive couple of hours. I am using my insomnia to get things done. I made Matthew's lunch, I broke down a bunch of the boxes downstairs. I cleaned out two drawers and a cupboard. And got rid of three bags of crap. LOTS of boxes. I feel good. There is A LOT of cat hair downstairs. It was too much, so I couldn't do a whole lot down there, cuz I was sneezing and my eyes are all itchy... Sometimes I forget what cats can do to me. But Jackie likes to climb on and lie on those boxes so there are hair balls all over and stuck in the tape, etc. I am probably going to pay for that, plus all of the dust that is down there...good thing I have some Clairatin on hand, so I took some of that so hopefully I wont have a massive head ache tomorrow. Cuz I need to go pay Matthew's truck payment and get kitty litter... And I have to finish my laundry... So much to do... BUT I figured if I am going to be awake, then I am going to get something done, that way my brain cant drive me crazy with all of these thoughts that I cant do anything about, but I am tired now so I am going to try to go to bed. I think part of the reason I cant get to sleep is because Matthew is here. I have been sleeping without him for SO long that having him there throws my routine all off. Hayden isn't the only one who has a night time routine! And he takes up my room and I cant watch Friends, which is REALLY throwing me off, cuz that is how I wind down, with my Friends. And I don't have that right now because he is already asleep when I need to go to bed. And i just cant go to bed at 9:30. Even if I should cuz Hayden wakes up at 7ish and stays awake now, so that means I do too.

OH! It was SO adorable this afternoon, I had Hayden sitting in his Bumbo seat at the top of the small stairs to the entry way while I cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I should start by saying that this weekend, while Matthew was converting to days, he took care of Hayden ALL day while I was at work. So it was boy's time this weekend. So this morning, I think Hayden was missing his Daddy since they spent so much time together this weekend. He kept watching the stairs all morning, like he was waiting for Matthew to come down the stairs. Anyway, he was sitting at the top of the stairs when Matthew walked in the door from work, and Hayden's face just LIT UP/ He was SO happy to see Daddy. I think he really missed Daddy today. It was so adorable.

Ok, I'm going to bed now.

Cleaning

The second member of the Cleaning Crew was a bit more cooperative today so we got the upstairs vacuumed and Hayden's and our room cleaned. I didn't get to the bathroom upstairs yet, even though it is probably in the worst need of a good scrubbing. But I go the downstairs bathroom cleaned, it was in a close second. Since Matthew has an exercise this week, I am not going in to work, so this is my best chance to get it done. Oh, and I got the living room dusted, which needed to be done because it hasn't been done since my family got here. So I feel a bit better about getting some things done. I cant say it has calmed he down, but it has helped a bit cuz I am getting things down. I know that I am doing more than i think I am because I keep thinking about the huge picture before us, instead of taking it in sections like I should so I don't get overwhelmed. Which is what is happening. I have that drowning feeling again, but I keep telling myself that one MAJOR weight will be off my shoulders in 9 days. 9 days and this gets erased and I can live like a normal person again. You have NO idea how wonderful that feels. I want to do something special to celebrate... I just want to get this over with... 9 days. Anyway, I have laundry to do so I should go do that. The boys are both asleep, so now is the time to get something done. I am going to make Matthew a bit of lunch for tomorrow.

Laughing

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Heartbreaker

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Stress

I think the stress of this transition is going to give me a heart attack. I cant sleep already, and with the crap going on with Merrill Lynch and stuff, it makes me even more worried about finding a place to live, and I am just really freaking out right now. And with the 24th coming up, I am worried that something is going to go wrong there and I cant find the paper with the phone number to me new "special friend" is cuz I got transferred again a couple of months ago, and I can't find where I put the paper with her contact info on it, so I'm only 85% sure of her name, and I am afraid to call the main office because they are always so mean to me. I know that this is important so I will eventually suck it up and call the office because I have turned this house upside sown trying to find that paper. And the worst part of it is that I said to myself, "I am putting it here, so I know where it is the next time I cant find it." And I have NO idea where that is. My fear is it got thrown away by mistake. Though I cant really believe I would do that. But hen of course I thought I would remember where I put it. But I had to be stupid last week and didn't mail my report in, I don't even remember when I did it, Thursday, I think, I don't even know, and it had to be there by today. So I need to call and make sure that it got there. I mean I could fax in another, just to be sure. Which I may end up doing, but I don't have anymore copies cuz I made just enough to get me through this month. So I have old ones for my last "special friend" but she was at a different address. I have just made a mess of this. And if it was any other month I wouldn't worry about it so much but it HAD to be the LAST one... I am just a ball of nerves right now. I cant remember the last time my eye WASN'T twitching, and my stomach is tied in knots. So instead of doing something, anything, I sit here and do nothing. Good plan, cuz that just makes me even sicker to my stomach.

EDIT: Alright, after my minor freak out, I called the office and left a message (I had her name right after all) I just asked for who I thought it was and hoped for the best. And I went upstairs to vacuum and start going through my closets (sorting out shoes into send home and donate piles, sort thru socks for the ones that are stretched out and holey, etc.) Anyway, I was looking through a purse that I had put a bunch of stuff in to sort out later and I found the paper I had lost and the original form, so I was EXTREMELY happy about that, and will fax in he form, for safe measure, when Hayden and I go to the BX after his nap. So I have some relief about that. The transition home will still keep me up at night, but at least I can do it as a citizen in good standing. LOL.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Why can't I sleep?

Its almost midnight. I should be sleeping. Everyone else is sleeping. Misters is going to be up in a few hours... but all I can do is watch the baby monitor and listen to him sleep while my mind wanders through thoughts I can't do anything about, but that isn't keeping me from obsessing about it. Houses, jobs, cars, moving, doctors, daycare, schools, Churches... We need new everything, but I can't start looking because I don't know where we're going. Not for sure. Illinois or Missouri. I don't know. So all I can do is make lists. Lists, what the hell good will that do. I have 800 goddamn lists, but nothing to do about them. SO here I sit wondering what will happen... Knowing I can't just let things happen and hope that they will just fall into place. Will they just fall into place? Of course not, I don't live in a damn movie. So here I sit, watching my baby sleep through a monitor, and worry about his future. In every way possible, I worry myself sick about my baby. My Misters. I know that is the story of my life from the moment he was born... I just want to do good by him, you know? God, I'm tired. It is starting to make me a bit loopy, and nonsensical, huh? I just have all of these thoughts racing through my head and I can't make it stop. Make it stop... I need to sleep I have a whole day of work tomorrow and then Matthew wants to go to a movie, and I have to leave Misters with a babysitter. I hate leaving him with other people. Especially right now, cuz he is teething and in pain, and I won't be there to comfort him... He gets his little doggy lip and cries, whimpers, really. Ok, I need to sleep because I am just rambling here...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Shoes

As hard as this may be to believe, I have started sorting through my shoes, and not all of them are coming back with me. Shocking, I know. And I imagine, neither will all of my coats. And some of my purses. I thought this would be a good time to prune down some of my accessories... I know, you can start breathing again. LOL. I just don't know exactly how to go about it. I mean the clothes are easy... But I'm thinking that I should sort through all of these knick-knacks I have but I cant do it. So many have such a sentimental value that I cant get rid of them. It actually hurts me. Like i have this bottle of sand, its tiny, but Brian brought it back for me when they went down to Florida for a Bowl game when I was in Iowa City, and i was so jealous that i couldn't go with them. It was so sweet. But what am I going to do with all of this STUFF? I mean, when we move, we aren't going to have built in shelving in our wall like we do here, so where am I going to put all of this stuff? And this doesn't even included all the stuff I still have at Mom and Dad's house like my bells and my tea sets. And alot of those are antiques. I know what display cases run, and that is out of the question for quite some time. I guess they will sit in boxes until I can get a couple display cases.

Interesting...

I think there is something wrong with this t-shirt. (Hint: it only comes in one size and its isnt 12M) Sorry but that wouldnt fit MY 1 year old! LOL.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Motherhood

Someone had included a print out of this poem in a card I received. I wish I knew who it is from. I must have set it aside and forgotten about it, or got distracted... as I just found it. I am trying to straighten up for our visitors. I figure if I start now, I may be done by the time they get here. Anyway, I am a big believer in things happening for a reason, when they were meant to happen. And I think that if I had read this at a different time, earlier, it wouldn't have meant as much to me. So I am reading it with Hayden at my feet, rolling around and laughing because, after much time and effort, he has gotten his lion toy to light up and play music. And he is ecstatic about it. And I am bawling. Because as I am reading this poem, and he is laughing, I realize that in his joy over his simple (not so simple) accomplishment, I have found true and complete happiness. Like none I have ever known before, with those words in my hands, describing the feelings I am feeling, as I feel them. I know that if I never do anything worthwhile for the rest of my life, I will know that I have done the most important thing, created him, loved him. More then he will ever know, until he has his own child. Then he will know what it is to awaken a love so pure and so complete that it improves every aspect of your life. It makes you love more, even if you didn't think it was possible. Because, honestly, I never thought I could love Matthew more than I did. But that was because I never had the opportunity to love him as the father of my child. But when I see him playing with Hayden, making him laugh, or just holding him, feeding him, those mundane things become so beautiful and amazing. Because I know that he does it with the same love that I have, that we share. So here is the story. Thank you to whom ever it was that gave it to me. It is a priceless gift.

Being A Mom

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of 'starting a family'

'We're taking a survey,' she says, half joking. 'Do you think I should have a baby?'

'It will change your life,' I say, carefully. keeping my tone neutral.

'I know,' she says, ' No more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations.'

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, 'what if that had been MY child?' That every airplane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicures nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is,becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of 'Mom!' will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going to an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is alright.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to tell her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring. But will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture, for her, the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog, or a cat, for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. 'You will never regret it,' I finally say. Then I reached across my the table and squeezed my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.