Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Taking control

This week I have taken a huge step forward and I have taken a bit more control in my life. I did something that I was scared to do, but I was tired of hiding from what I perceived the problem to be. It is not something that I want to get into except to say it has been something that I have been worrying about for quite a few weeks now. It is something that I think was really throwing off my focus. The stress caused was fueling my sweet tooth. I had fallen off the Bugg wagon so to say in that I wasn't keeping track of my food. I haven't been drinking my water, and my results were starting to show it. At this point I would have given up. I would have given in the the problem. I would have tried to eat it away. Shoved all the stress and hurt down with food and then hope that the problem would just disappear. Instead, on Monday, I faced it head on and confronted it. I put the wheels in motion for resolution instead of hiding behind an ice cream sandwich or something. I realized that no matter how much I eat, eventually the food will be gone, but the problem will still be there. No matter how much I eat, the food would disappear, but the stress and the hurt wouldn't. How is that for growth? I am pretty darn proud of myself. I have hopped back on the wagon. I am drinking my water and logging my food. Now if the stupid rain would stop so I could go walk, I would be able to look for this to be a pretty good week. Why cant it rain during the day while I am at work and then clear up at night? Why does it have to be the other way around? It is really starting to piss me off! Vickie said i could come with her to her gym and use the treadmills there. I may take her up on it. I just wish I could afford my own treadmill. Matthew says Sears had some nice ones for under $1000. So maybe I will start there. Why do they have to be so expensive?

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

I looked in the mirror today...

and thought "I look pretty today."

Monday, June 07, 2010

I have past 40 pounds since February. I am at 41.4 I believe, or it could be .6 I don't really remember as it was the 40 lbs that caught my eye. It seems like a large number. And I am really starting to be able to see it in myself. Like I said in a past post, I hadn't really been able to see what people were complimenting me on, but I graciously accepted the compliments (a large achievement for me!) because if people were noticing then I must be doing something right! But I can see it now. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my arms, my hips... If I flex, you can see my muscles. Matthew says that he can see a difference. I think that when my arms get smaller, they will be impressive! I feel so much better about me. I am really starting to feel a pride in what I am doing. But I am still having trouble getting back on my food log wagon. I need to start logging what I eat again! I know that I do, but its like I am trying to find a reason, an excuse, for failing. Again. If I have something to blame my failure on, other than myself, then I have a scapegoat. But I don't want to have a a scapegoat. I don't want to fail! There is just a mental block in the way that I cant break down. I have to stop saying "can't", I CAN break it down but I have to figure out why I WON'T break through it. Because its easier not to. I'm tired of easy. I want to put in the work, because it is more likely to stick, and last because I worked so hard to achieve it!

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Am I Worth This? (Pt 4)

Failure. Is that what I am afraid of? Short answer is yes. I am terrified of failure. I don't think that the things I do are up to the level that I believe they should be. I constantly compare myself to other people, believing that this is the only way i can know how I stack up. And, in my eyes, I never do. Its not good enough. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I would compare myself to my friends. What did they have that I didn't have? I compared myself to my sister. I was never smart enough to compete with her. I remember she was ranked first in her class or something academic like that and mom and dad got her a card and told her how proud they were of her. I don't even remember exactly what it said but something about me and Lew feeling pressure to live up to her standards. It could have said something entirely different than that, but all I know is that is what I retained in my head. To me, at that time, it could have just said "Suck it, Emily. You aren't good enough."

Call it middle child syndrome, Inferiority Complex, whatever you call it, I don't see myself as being good enough. I don't think I am worthy of Matthew. When he started working out and got all big and buff, I was embarrassed to go places with him, because I looked the way I did, and he looked so good. He put so much work into his body, and I did nothing. I could see the judgement in people's eyes (real or not) that asked "why is he with her?" And I ask myself that to this day. In the back of my mind I still have that nagging thought that he will find someone prettier than me. Fitter than me. Better than me. Now matter how happy we may appear to the casual observer, I still think that people look at us and wonder how he could be with me.

I don't look at myself and believe that I deserve to have the things that I want. So when I ask the question "Am I worth this?" I cant answer it yes. I want to, with my being, but I cant. I cant truthfully anyway. I want to believe it, I do. It goes back to the cycle I am trying to break, because it is something that I want, but as I said, I don't really believe I deserve the things that I want. This is the cycle that I am trying to break.

I need to stop saying that I "can't" do something. I CAN, I KNOW that I can, its that I won't. Am I trying to sabotage myself? Its a good possibility, but I am aware of it now. I can see that is what I am doing, where before I didn't care enough to look. That is growth. That is progress. As long as I keep moving forward and fighting against the internal forces that are continually trying to convince me to give up, trying to convince me that I am not good enough, or worth this effort that I am putting forth, then most of the battle is won. The hard part about this now, is what I am trying to do here, examining inward, and opening painful wounds in order to finally allow them to heal. I know there will be battle scars but they will eventually become markers of where I have been and how far I have come, and to the place I don't ever want to return.
I have fallen off the food log wagon, and it is showing. I lost only a pound last week and I know it is because I am not drinking enough water and because I am not tracking what I eat. I haven't been walking as much so I am not hitting my burn. I am messing up. I know that the important part is not that I have slacked off, its that I get back on track. I haven't jumped back on yet. I don't know what is stopping me. I guess I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff with Matthew and it is hard to deal with both. I know that's a cop out. And its a weak, stupid reason for slacking, but its the one I seem to be using. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I want to admit that yeah I'm going through some shit, but that doesn't mean that I cant deal with my problems and take care of myself! I should be strong enough to be able to do that! I AM strong enough to do that. I owe it to myself to take care of me. I owe it to myself. I should respect myself at least that much. So then why is it so hard? Why do I always try to give up? I don't want to. I don't want to give up. I am so afraid to fail. And there's the truth rearing its ugly head. I am afraid to fail, so if I quit before I can fail, then I have the power. But quitting is the only true way to fail in this journey. As long as I keep going forward, yes there will be setbacks, like this week, but as long as I push on how can I see that as a failure?