Am I Worth This? (Pt 4)

Failure. Is that what I am afraid of? Short answer is yes. I am terrified of failure. I don't think that the things I do are up to the level that I believe they should be. I constantly compare myself to other people, believing that this is the only way i can know how I stack up. And, in my eyes, I never do. Its not good enough. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I would compare myself to my friends. What did they have that I didn't have? I compared myself to my sister. I was never smart enough to compete with her. I remember she was ranked first in her class or something academic like that and mom and dad got her a card and told her how proud they were of her. I don't even remember exactly what it said but something about me and Lew feeling pressure to live up to her standards. It could have said something entirely different than that, but all I know is that is what I retained in my head. To me, at that time, it could have just said "Suck it, Emily. You aren't good enough."



Call it middle child syndrome, Inferiority Complex, whatever you call it, I don't see myself as being good enough. I don't think I am worthy of Matthew. When he started working out and got all big and buff, I was embarrassed to go places with him, because I looked the way I did, and he looked so good. He put so much work into his body, and I did nothing. I could see the judgement in people's eyes (real or not) that asked "why is he with her?" And I ask myself that to this day. In the back of my mind I still have that nagging thought that he will find someone prettier than me. Fitter than me. Better than me. Now matter how happy we may appear to the casual observer, I still think that people look at us and wonder how he could be with me.



I don't look at myself and believe that I deserve to have the things that I want. So when I ask the question "Am I worth this?" I cant answer it yes. I want to, with my being, but I cant. I cant truthfully anyway. I want to believe it, I do. It goes back to the cycle I am trying to break, because it is something that I want, but as I said, I don't really believe I deserve the things that I want. This is the cycle that I am trying to break.

I need to stop saying that I "can't" do something. I CAN, I KNOW that I can, its that I won't. Am I trying to sabotage myself? Its a good possibility, but I am aware of it now. I can see that is what I am doing, where before I didn't care enough to look. That is growth. That is progress. As long as I keep moving forward and fighting against the internal forces that are continually trying to convince me to give up, trying to convince me that I am not good enough, or worth this effort that I am putting forth, then most of the battle is won. The hard part about this now, is what I am trying to do here, examining inward, and opening painful wounds in order to finally allow them to heal. I know there will be battle scars but they will eventually become markers of where I have been and how far I have come, and to the place I don't ever want to return.