Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Weird Week

I guess this is a testament to how much food matters. I lost 4 pounds last week. 4 POUNDS! I couldn't even move last week and i lost 4 pounds. Do I find this a bit frustrating? Yes, I do. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about my 4 pounds, but it is a bit frustrating. I mean I work my ass off and I lose 2 pounds. I watch watch I eat, because I know that I won't be able to work out, again I can barely breathe w/o hurting, and I lose 4 pounds. So this week is bit of an experiment. I am going to do the same insane tracking of my food and add in working out (except for tonight) and see what happens. It is that time of the month so that will factor in, but we will see what Sunday brings. Friday and Saturday will be difficult with Hayden's birthday celebrations and the storm that is coming so that will destroy my walking time. Oh well, I will figure it out. One step at a time and I am thriving off of my 4 pounds. It will keep me going for awhile. For now, I am taking tonight off to watch Julie & Julia and having a night to myself. I made a grilled cheese with wheat bread, mozzarella cheese, mushrooms and ham and it was delicious! Yes, food matters.

Friday, April 16, 2010

True setback

Welp, Sunday should be interesting. I had a true roadblock this week. I hurt my tailbone and I couldn't move for two days. Literally. Couldn't. Move. I am still VERY sore but I tried to be more active today. I can move a bit better, a lot better. The only problem is that I didn't really adjust my intake to accommodate the that that I wasn't moving at all. So it should be interesting. I am trying to make up for it today and I will be pretty busy tomorrow. I have LOTS of cleaning to do so that will burn some calories and I would like to go for a walk since it is supposed to be nice tomorrow. I just have to eat really well tomorrow too and hopefully my deficit will be enough that I drop a couple lbs this week. If not, I cant beat myself up too much cuz really it was just yesterday that was the problem with eating. Wednesday I was in so much pain the thought of food made me ill. Another aspect (TMI ALERT) that I must consider is that I haven't gone #2 since I got hurt. The very thought makes me cringe. I know the situation is similar to right after I had Hayden and I was afraid to go because of the pain, so I didn't. The lesson I learned from that was that the anticipation and the dread leading up to the "event" was much worse then the "event" itself, but that doesn't seem to matter. My brain is afraid so it wont let my body do it. Its frustrating. I could probably drop a couple pounds that way! LOL. So there is a glimmer (glimmer may not be an appropriate description in this case) of hope, but I am holding out for a maintain rather than a gain. If there is a loss I will be surprised and VERY happy. But I am not holding my breath. Stay tuned.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Not so bad

This week wasnt so bad as the last one. No gain. I lost 2.6 lbs this week and my Body Fat % went down again. So good week in terms of those things, bad week mentally. I have been ahving INTENSE carvings for something, I cant figure out what, and that is the root of the problem. My mental default craving is chocolate, but that isnt what I want. I had a minature Snickers at work, to test if that was my craving, and it SOOOO wasnt. I tried Reese's just to be should (that was my favorite a couple months ago) and it was SOOO sweet, I didnt even enjoy it. That wasnt what I wanted. So since I cant find what I want, I want everything. But I know that I dont REALLY want everything, but that doesnt stop me from trying to find what I am looking for...except I cant find it.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Obsess much?

Ok, I have been thinking about it, and thinking about it and thinking about it. What, you ask, am I dedicating all this brain energy to? That stupid little pound! And Why? because it was a +1 and not a -1? Who cares? My body fat percentage went down! Why am I obsessing about gaining one little pound? It could have been water, it is that time of the month. It could have been muscle gain. I did A LOT of walking this week which is working different muscles than my bike. It could have been bone density. I started taking my vitamins to supplement my calcium. It could have been any number of good reasons! But I have to worry about it, and worrying about it isn't going to change it. Its not going to turn back the clock and prevent that +1 from being there. It isn't going to take back Sunday or my Sugar Hangover yesterday. All I can do is turn around, see what I did wrong, and then move forward from there. Each day is a new day and a new opportunity to do things better and as long as I do that then I will keep moving forward. No matter what the scale tells me. I know this is a journey. I know it is a LONG journey. I know I am changing along the way. The way I think about my health, and the way I feel about food...those are changing too. And those are the things I should obsess about. The good things, the steps forward, those are the important things, the things that deserve my energy. I need to learn to embrace those positive steps and not scrutinize the small setbacks. Those are the things that would discourage me in the past. The things that would whisper in my ear that I would fail so I might as well give up. I don't want to give up. I don't want to give up on myself. I want to believe that I can be better, that I can live better. That I deserve better than I have been giving to myself. It is ok to put me first sometimes. I was proud of myself last night cuz I didn't cook supper. I told Matthew that I couldn't cut his hair, make supper, and work out so he needed to decide if he wanted a haircut or me to make supper. Not like he was FORCING me to make supper or anything, but I needed to know which was more important cuz I wasn't going to not work out. (He chose the haircut) But the point of that story is to demonstrate how far I have come in such a short amount of time. The old me would have forgone working out in order to make supper and take care of Matthew. Last night I was able to make me the priority. Not that Matthew cares, I mean he wants me to be healthy more than anyone else, for him and for Hayden. It is that kind of growth that I am talking about though. Those kinds of positive changes that should overshadow the +/- of the scale. I knew going into this the first couple of months would be more of a mental battle than I physical one. Sure, eventually, the physical battle will become more important and will take over center stage, but until then, until I get my head in the right spot, the mental challenges of weight loss are the stars of this show.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Bad Week

I had the wee I have been expecting the past couple weeks. The sucky part is that I thought I was having a good week this week. So this one really stings. I gained a pound, but I lost another % of Body Fat, which is a hallow victory. I know I have to just buckle down and do better this week, but I am so bummed. I really thought I was doing good. I was feeling good. I have at least two pairs of pants that I can take off without unbuttoning them. These things should MEAN something to m, but they don't. Not right now. I wanted the scale to should the results that reflect the way I feel. I got lots of complements this week. People are starting to notice, but it doesn't really mean a whole lot when I gained a pound. I am disappointed in myself, I guess. BUT I am NOT going to let this defeat me! I can't. I have made such progress in the way I think about myself, and the way I think about food... I don't want to slide backwards. I don't. And I know that the only thing that can stop me from doing that is my own desire to keep going forward. This isn't a short term, instant results kind of situation, Emily. It is going to take time and effort and hard work. If it were easy then everyone would be healthy, but it's not, its hard. But everyday is a day to start over. So this week is all about portion sizes, and getting back on track with making my own food and making better food choices. No skipping meals only to overeat later. I will make all my food this week. I will weigh and measure and keep track of EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth. I am going to kick ass next week. I don't care if I hit my burn everyday by just walking, I am still going to work out. I am going to do better this week. I am going to remember that there will always be a stumbling block trying to keep me from my path. I may trip on it, but I will climb over it! Nothing tastes better than a compliment.