Take two

We may still be coming home. I wish I knew. If we do, it will be this year. I am disappointed. I was looking forward to hockey next year. I had made my peace with staying here. Now the stress has returned. Now I dont know what to feel. I am scared. I am nervous. I dont know how I feel.

Another disappointment!

The World Beard and Moustache Championships are going to be held in Anchorage in March 2009. We're gonna JUST miss it. Wouldnt that be SO FUN to go to!? I'm seriously disappointed that we wont be here!

I returned them...

No rollerblades for me. I just have to admit when I know that I shouldnt do something. I knew it was a bad idea, but I tried. And thats all I can do. At least I know I tried.

I have done it again

I dont know how or why I do this. I guess i'm just too good at doing anything. Now I am SO knowledgable and SO good at my current job, I have too much stuff to do. Because I know how to do everything, Diana just hands everything off to me to take care of. It is 3pm and I was supposed to leave at 1:30pm. But she keeps putting all this stuff on my desk to get done. She gets upswet when people do that to her, but she has no problem handing everything off to me. And then coming in and interupting me so I cant get anything done. And shethinks that I will get it dont the second that she hands it to me. Hello? do you see my in-box? Its full of all the OTHER stuff you have given me today. Put it down and I will get to it. My door is closed for a REASON! She cant solve any of her own problems cuz she dosnt know anything about how computer programs work. Its all logic really. There isnt anything difficult about it, just figure it out. And then she hands me these emails to respond to walker problems, but I dont have an NMSS email! I am not sending out my personal email to people I dont know, and I doubt many of them would open an email from someone they didnt know. I dont.

SO now I am in the position that all of these little things get handed to me cuz I figured out how to deal with them. They bitch all day long about this new program and how not user friendly it is, and how hoard it is to figure out. AND I just want to scream cuz its not that hard you just dont know what you are doing!!!! Its all logic, the program cant do anything that a person didnt put in there so anyone can figure out how it works. Just quit bitching long enough to figure it out! And the BIG problems arise when people. who dont know what they are doing, go in and try to "fix" things. So thanks to these said people, I couldnt get into my computer for 45 minutes this morning cuz they changed my user name and password and didnt tell me, and then clained to not know anything about it so I got to spand a half an hour with tech support so that they can tell me that these said people changed it. Didnt they tell you? NO, they didnt tell me! If they had told me, I would be working right now, not listening to elevator music waiting for your ass to pick up the phone. And since we felt the need to change my user name, it created a new user on my computer, erased my old user and all of my files and forms and programs along with it. So I got to try and recover all my stuff, and at the same time deal with everyone giving me stuff to do and I cant even get on my computer. Guess what, if I dont have all those files, i cant work. So go back into your office and let me fix what you tried to "fix".

And what burns me even more is that they do this shit on Fridays when I am not here. Its like they wait for me to leave to fuck up my shit. I am so pissed off right now, my head is going to explode. It is days like this that are pushing me towards smoking again, or taking up heavy drinking. The kicker is that you insult my intellegence by claiming that you dont know anything about what happened. I am not stupid, I know this stuff doesnt just happen! Computers donot just kick on at night and decide to erase user profiles and create new ones. Like I said they dont do anything that a person didnt put in there, so I KNOW someone did it. Just tell me what you did and 99% of the time I can fix it, but dont stand there and tell me that you know nothing about it, call Tech. Someone in this building had to have done this. There are three other people, and I know it wasnt me cuz I wasnt here. so that leaves 3. One of them barely knows how to work her own computer. That leaves two. And my money is on the office manager who cant just leave things alone. And has to be right about everything. And in this case, being wrong, but convinced you are right cost me all my information on the walk. Thanks. Now I get to recover months worth of work cuz your stupid ego.

Ouch

Ok, I hurt my wrist. I am chaulking it up to years of being off wheels, and a weakened wrist to begin with. The other day, I tripped over Grizzly and instead of falling on her, I ended up kicking a hole in one of our cupboards, and tried to brace myself and hurt my wrist. So today, Matthew asked me if I wanted to go to Load Barn and skate with him and Marcus. But I dont want to skate in front of anyone yet, cuz I will feel really embarassed if I cant stay up. And I would rather not have people around till I know. So I decided to try it out in the basement. I fell right away. Got back up, cuz it HAS been QUITE some time since I have had wheels on my feet. I did ok, for a little while, started getting my bearings and totally lost it. Tried to brace myself with the same wrist.

Maybe I'll just get a bike...

A Sad Laugh

You have to have a sense of humor. I've always believed this. It what gets me through most of these things that go on in my life. I have to laugh about it, or I may never stop crying. So last night I made myself a quesadilla for supper. And I cut the quesadilla with a pizza cuter. No big deal. Matthew came home and made a pizza for himself for supper. He opened the drawer to get a piza cutter out, come in the living room. Oh, Honey" "Yes?" (thinking he was going to ask if I wanted some) (holding up the pizza cutter) "Did you cut your quesadilla and put the pizza cutter back in the drawer?" "I must have... I have no idea... I dont remember." And I didnt. I dont remember putting the used, dirty cuter BACK in the drawer. I had no idea that I had done it. I told Matthew he had better get used to it, cuz it will probably get worse over time. "So I'm goign to have to examine my silverware before i used it cuz you might have put it back in the drawer?" "yep." You just have to laugh, cuz I am so sick of crying.

WHAT was I thinking?

Ok, in my desperate need to be "normal" I have decided that I need to do the things that everyone else is doing. So out of this desperation, I got some rollerblades. I miss skating, but I think I should have gotten skates and not blades. But Marcus, Amelia and Matthew all got blades cuz they were having a really good sale, so I got some too. And they are AWESOME! SO I put them on today, and I realized that i made a HUGE mistake. I do not have the balance to pull these off anymore. When I was young, yes, I loved my rollerblades, but never had anywhere to skate. Now I have a place to skate and not the ability. Since that time I have developed a very large lesion on my cerebelum which, if you'll journey back to high scholl biology, controls your balance. It is the reason why I would fail a field sobriety test. (not that I drink and drive anymore, not since my stupid college days)

Maybe I will go back and exchange these for skates :(, at least I'd be able to participate with everyone else, but I dont have the balance...

But I LOVE these rollerblades, I dont want to exchange them. Its one more thing I am going to have to give up while everyone else does whatever the hell they want to do. They get to rollerblade and have fun, and I have to hang back cuz my body is eating its self awhile one brain lesion at a time, and I dont seem to be dealing with this all that well. I'm depressed that I cant do what I want to do. I am jealous that Matthew, and Marcus and Amelia have yet one more thing to do without me. And that makes me so mad. Mad at them cuz they arent sick. Mad at me cuz I am. Mad at the world. Mad at my disease. And most of all, mad at me cuz I am letting this get to me as much as I am.

Just one more thing

She has one more jab at my gut left. I got a letter in the mail stating that the $500 I paid in July did not count towards my restitution payment and was denied by the court, so I still owe $500.Matt doesnt want me to pay it, he doesnt want to give her anymore money, and I dont either, but she wrote that I still owed for tanning account and unpaid products. Which is bullshit. But he wants to see reciepts of this stuff. Which would b fine but it would be VERY easier to back date the program and produce those "receipts". I know that if I were still there, I would be able to do it. And they have had 7 months to come up with whatever they wanted to. I left a message with Steve, but its Friday. All this comes on Fridays.... Anyway, I just want to pay it. I know we dont really have that money, but I could make it up pretty quickly, I think. The only thing is, I am over half way to being done with all of this. I have only a few more months until she can never touch me again. She will have no more claim over what is happening in my life. I know what I am going to do, I just have to figure out how to tell Matthew what we are doing. I dont want to anymore than he does, but this is MY life that she is fucking with, and I dont want her to have anymore reason to try to ruin anymore o my life. Plus, I want to be able to go home in June. More now than ever, and if this isnt taken care of, I wont be granted a travel pass.

Ok well, the man on the far left is Gary, our office manager, the woman in the red and black in the back is Sarah, she's the programs director, and woman on the far right in the blazer is my boss Diana. The rest are clients who's names i cannot post here. And I am standing by Mayor Begich.

When you give a Moose a cookie

Lance Makey proves 13 is lucky.

I have to admit I hadnt really gotten into the whole Iditarod race. I mean I went to the start and I know the significance but my interest wains after that. But this year was the 35th Iditarod and it was amazing. Lance makey won and made history. And it was exciting cuz he was SO the underdog (pardon the phrasing) because only three weeks ago nine of his ten dogs just ran and won the Yukon Quest which is a 1,000 mile race. (which, for those of you who dont know, is only 49 miles shorter than the Iditarod) No other person in the history of the races has ever won BOTH races in the same year (again within 3 weeks of each other) But Lance Makey did just that yesterday. His dogs are AMAZING!!!!! And a cool little tidbit that has been coined "Makey Mojo" Lance's dad won the Iditarod on his 6th try wearing bib number 13. His Brother won the Iditarod on HIS 6th try wearing bib number 13 and now Lance has won the Iditarod on HIS 6th try wearing bib number 13. Everyone said it was impossible to run the same dog team in both races and win both races. Just goes to show you what drive, training and a little faith will get you. All your dreams come true

Daylight savings

As much as I miss my hour of sleep, I do love that it is 6:45pm and the sun is still out. I do love that.

10:30am? Thats it?!

I knew this was goin to be a rough day when my alarm went off at 6:30 and I decided it would be a good idea to set it for two hours later just call and tell Gary and Sarah I was gonna be late, so thats what I did. And I didnt want to even get up. Now I am half asleep at my desk, and I cant get my brain to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, so I am writing this instead. Diana isnt here and we are 100 walkers behind last year and I dont know whatelse to do. There isnt a whole lot else I can do. i have all these team captains signed up but they dont have any walkers on their teams. What are you waiting for people!?!?!?! If all my team captain had the required four people on their team, then I would be above my quota and all would be fine. I dont know what else I can do here. I guess I could go to their place of business and put a gun to their head. "Sign up your walkers, NOW!" Yeah that would go over well. I hope Diana is enjoying her vacation cuz its gonna suck when she gets back. I am even going through the walk lists from last year and calling EVERYONE who participated, and offering to sign them up. What else am I supposed to do? I just want to go back to bed. I think I will probably do just that today when I get off work here. I shoudl go to the commissary, but I am so damn tired today. I just want to shut my office door and sleep on my desk. No one would proabaly even notice cuz I dont really talk much anyway, so it wouldnt really bother anyone.

Sponsorship.

Ok I would like to say that I can handle this, but I am WAY over my head here. Diana went out of town for her son's wedding and she wont be back till Monday so I am sailing this Walk ship by myself. Which would be ok if I could just stick to what I know, registering Walkers, helping team captains, basically the little details. But NOOOOO, all of this sponsorship stuff has come up and I dont know anything about sponsorships. Diana does all of that. Anything that deals with major money like that, she does, I just deal with the small stuff, the pledges and stuff like that. But the big companies, like the drug companies and the airlines and Chevron and stuff I dont do that. I dont know what is going on, Diana has a relationship with them, not me. So I am drowning here. So confused. I guess I will just hang on for dear life. I can only do my best, after that, its up to fate. The only thing is that the commitee at Alaksa Airlines is meeting on Wednesday so I have to get this grant request in by Today so they can present it on Wednesday. TODAY! Grrrr. I just want to go home and take a nap.

Cabin Fever

God I can tell that I am getting sick of winter. I am so freakin down all the time and snapping at everything. And the sucky thing is that I still have to put up with like 2 more months of it. I couldnt stop crying yesterday. Everything made me upset. I dont want ot be in the house anymore. I want to be in the sun, without it being 3 degrees. I cant afford to go get some fake sun, and I dont really want to go tanning. I know if I go, I'll want to go all the time. I have been looking into water aerobics classes around town, just to have something to do. I would rather go on base, but the pool is closed for renovations. I dont know what to do. I am just so tired of feeling like this. I am tired of being cooped up, paranoid, and depressed. When will winter be over? Friday we might get into the 30's. That sounds exciting. Sad when 30 sounds like a heat wave. Here's praying for an early Break Up Season.

Radio Show

So I was COMPLETELY disappointed by the radio thing this morning. Pretty much I was nervous for absolutely nothing cuz we hardly even got to talk. We were there for like 5 minutes and Diana did most of the talking which didnt surprise me at all. I8 can hardly get a word in edgewise when I am with her, can you believe that I have to fight for converstaion time!? Me! So anyway, we are going back closer to walk time so hopefully then I will actually get to talk. I made some good jokes about a calendar and a sundial though. That was my contribution to the show. LOL. And I was nervous. And for what? I can get in front of a group of people and be just fine, but you put me in a room with a microphone and I freak out. Just one of my quirks I guess.

I am goig to be on the radio on Wednesday. You can listen on the internet if you want, I'll be on around 8 AM which is 11AM Iowa time. http://www.kool973.com/ So if you want to listen to me make afool of myself, tune in, I am kinda nervous so wish me luck.

BTW, the meeting today with the Mayor went good. We werent there for very long. I dont have the pictures yet, but as soon as I do I will share them. So let the fun continue.

Surprise!

I get to meet the mayor on Monday. Monday starts MS Awareness Week, and the Mayor is going to mak a proclamation to make it officially MS Awareness Week in Anchorage. Since now it is just something the National proclamed. So its kinda historic and I am gonna be there. We'll have pictures taken so I'l see if Gary will let me download them so I can show y'all. If Gary doesnt, Diana or Sarah will. Gary's kinda strange like that. So I'm pretty excited. I am just always inthe right place at the right time.

Weather Update

40 mph winds plus 4 degrees equals -27 degree wind chills.

Stupid UPS.

I am so disappointed. Matthew was going to come to the office and we were going to go to luch, and stupid UPS called him in to work so now we cant. Why today? Why couldnt it have been yesterday or Friday when I could give a crap less, but no, it HAD to be today when I was actually going to get to go out with my husband. Buttheads.