Thursday, August 26, 2010

Fight of the Fat Girl

It seems that my longest and hardest battle of this journey is not going to be with food, or with exercise, but with the Fat Girl. When I look in the mirror, she is all I can see. I don't see this new person unless it is a picture that was taken. It is the opposite of what it used to be when I was big. I would look at myself and not see that Fat Girl, unless it was in a picture. Irony at its best, right? For a long time, I couldn't see where I had let myself go, but now it is all I CAN see. I wish I could see through her and see where I have come. Sometimes, I can see it. Like when I put on a tee shirt that used to be too small, and now fits. Or my over sized sweatshirts are actually oversized and comfy, instead of just 'fits'.

It is the battle inside my head that seems to be the hardest part for me. I don't have a problem with the working out anymore, because now I enjoy it, and I feel like I am missing something when I don't work out. The food is easier now, yes, I slip up, but its easier to not hold it against myself like I did. I can accept that I will slip up and I can just resolve to do better, and I do because I WANT to. When it comes to the Fat Girl Brain Battle...I seem to be struggling. Sometimes she comes back out and I cant control it. She makes me revert back to those feelings of being not good enough. She convinces me that I don't deserve this, and that I can't be loved at any size. I know that she has been in control for awhile now, because it has been having an effect on my relationship with Matthew again. I just have had such a hard time lately believing that he isn't just biding his time with me until he finds something better. You would think that 10 years together would convince me otherwise, but I don't think there is much logic in the Fat Girl's Battle tactics. I need better Battle Tactics. I am fighting to believe that I do deserve my life. I deserve to be happy in my life. I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. Why doesn't she want me to be happy with that? Why cant she just realize that all of the doubt and fear and negative feelings are her own doing? Why can't I just realize that it is my own doing? And why cant I realize that if I can do that damage, i can also fix it?

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