For as long as I can remember I lived in a world of my own creation. WQhen I was young, I had lotsa frienfds but my favorite playmtes werent real. They were all in my head and they were all what I needed them to be. They did what I wanted thwm to do. Soon and so forth.I have a way of getting people to do what I want. Not in a bad way, but when I am around people I am in control. paople want to be around me and I can choose whether or not I want to be around them. I do of course. I thrive in the company of paople. They are my lifeblood. My friends are what i live for. They make me who I am. I feel alive when paople want to be around me. I feel exlierated when someone chooses tme as their friend. I hate when paople dont like me. It is literally painful. That is the bitch in me. Everyone has to like me but I dont have to like everyone. but it is very rare for me to not like someone. It takes alot for me to not like someone, theyhave to do something really bad. In my book that is one of two things: Hurt my family (which doesnt have to be blood, I mean My family and my closest friends who I consider my family) and my friends. you hurt one of those peole and God help you. I am extremely loyal. Its who I am because I expect nothing less.
Anyway, back to the point, My world has always been in my control. Always. And Now I am soooo not in control. I am in a place I have never been before. I mean there have been situations where I can't control what is happening but I can control how I act. right now I cant. I cry at the drop of a hat. Its all I can do to hide it from Matt. That kills me. A week into our marriage and i am hiding stuff. But it isnt out of malice. I dont wnat him to hurt because I do. I know thats what marriage is about, but it is all new to me and I am not used to letting people into my deep private thoughts. I guess this is the fruits of my choices. And maybe I am just working all of this out on paper.Well, I guess I should get supper started. Or at least planned. Ha. Domestic Goddess I am not.
1 comment:
Don't hide it. You know it's wrong so do so in your heart, so listen. You may not want him to worry, but he wants to worry about you (remember our conversation about my hospital stay? It goes both ways). If you talk about it, he may be able to do some things to help you get through this transition period.
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