I think we may have almost decided that Matthew is going to drive home. We have basically come full circle. The only lip in this plan is that we will have to make payments on BOTH cars... But I have decided that in the beginning I am going to take whatever job I can get. If its retail, its retail. Whatever pays the bills for the first few months or whatever. As for insurance, we can still get Tricare for, I think, 18 months, we just have to pay for it, discounted of course. So We have that time to get settled and I think I am ok with having a job for that time while trying to find something more "real." I just despise the retail schedule. I want an 8-5 Monday-Friday job. I am willing to do an occasional Saturday, but its not just me and Matthew anymore, and I want to be able to spend time with Hayden, and retail doesn't really allow for that. Plus, I hate it. I feel about retail the way Matthew feels about the Air Force. It makes me into a horrible person. Horrible. And I don't want to bring that person home to my son. I hate that person as much as I hate the job that creates her. But I am willing to do what I have to do for my family. And if that is what pays the bills then that is what I have to do. But I am trying so hard to let go a little bit. I am trying to not focus on so much stuff at once. I am so overwhelmed that I had a breakdown at the grocery store. There were just too many choices, too many things to get, too many decisions to be made that I couldn't do it, grabbed Hayden and left my cart in the middle of the aisle and left. And that was just about food and planning the week's meals. This is the world I live in right now. I guess the biggest trigger is that I am expected to know the answers. And I don't. Matthew asks me everything about Hayden, like I have all the answers and sometimes I don't know. Should I go feed him? Is he tired? I don't know. Sometimes I don't know! Everyone just need to stop asking me questions. With every question I don't know the answer to, comes a week of fretting over it. And I don't need that.