I know that according to my now greatly rehearsed "I'm Fine" speech, I should be getting on with it actually being true, and for the most part it really is. 97% of the time I am fine, i dont think about any of the shit that has happened in the last month, and i mostly focus on what I am doing now, but there are those times when the thoughts creep up on me. Mostly at night, when Matt's asleep and I dont have anymore work to do. And my mind wonders. To the things I used to have, The life i used to have. I miss it, sometimes. Of course those things I do miss dont have Her in them. And then She shows up, just sneaks in and ruins everything. I dont know how to stop it. I wish more than anything that I could stop the dreams. The ones where she forgives me and apologizes and everything is back the way it was and I go back to that Store. But even when I know I am supposed to be happy cuz I got everything back, I am never truely happy cuz in the back of my mind, I remember what She did to me. I remember what everyone has done to me, and I wonder how it is that I continue to get up in the morning.

All I want to do is hide forever. And yet I tell everyone that I am "fine". It almost sounds believable, even in my own ears. Maybe that is when it is actually starting to be true. When you can fool your own ears into believeing it. But like i said that is only like 3% of the time. The rest of it I am focused on other things than the amount of betrayal I have endured from people who "loved" me. How can I believe that was ever true? There is only one thing She ever loved and that is money. BUt all these feelings rob me of my sleep. I dont want to sleep anymore because that is when the dreams come to me and I have to she Her face. And His. I have no reason to think that He betrayed me too, but seeing Him reminds me of Her and that is enough.

I wish this were all over so I could just move on with my life. Instead I am forced to wait in limbo, between lives. The life that was shattered and the life I am trying to piece back together. So instead of moving forward I am stuck, holding a few pieces I have managed to pick up but left standing over the shards that used to be my life. Shackled. Not able to turn away. Not able to close my eyes. I've forgotten how to breath. How to live, I only know how to keep standing. All I can do is stand there because as long as I am standing, then i know there is hope that I will be able to move. Because I KNOW that if I fall down, I wont get back up and there I will stay. A prisoner of the past. And a slave to the future. So here I stand. Holding on to my pieces with all the strength I have left. Holding on with all I have left.