I am told it is normal to be young and not know what your doing or where your going. But I dont know if thats true. I dont think its true. Because I cant believe that other people feel as low and as lost as I feel. Like I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I thought that I knew what i wanted and I thought I knew where I was going, but I dont. I look at my brother, and I wonder what am I doing? I learned a long time ago, not to compare myself to Amanda or Lew because I just didt measure up. I know that I am as smart as them, but I never did anything with it, and now I dont know what to do with it. Here is my rother who is not even out of college yet, who is being fought over by Rolls Royce and a pretigious professor who is funding an alternative fuel project that ..now has Conoco-Phillips and their $15 million grant interested. And what am I doing? Amanda has a good job and a house and a life, ad I just feel like I have been pushed out. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to them. But I am so lost. When I was at the store, I felt like I was actually doing something, and something that I could be proud of, that made me feel successful, for the time. Because I felt good, and I felt like I was doing something. Something real. Now, I dont know if I'll ever have that chance again. I know I am young and hae a whole life ahead of me, but tat is how I am feeling. I have been so bummed out lately, that I just want to sleep alot and I dont want to go to work. Because I just dont feel lke I am doing anything. And I know that I wont be doing anything for at least two years. And that bums me out a little more. And I am trying so hard not to focus on these things. So hard. Talking to Kristin has helped cuz I know that no matter how difficult this is for me, she is in a worse position. She cant call and talkto her family whenever she wants. She is stuck in an isolated world so far from everything she knows. And that is why we are connecting so much again. Because on different levels we are going through the same thing. Isolation, depression, entrapment in a world we never asked for. And we can bring understndingand light to each toher, when no one else understands. It has been so good to talk to her. It is a friendship that we should have been nurturing all along, but I am so glad that we are bonding again. I miss her so much. But I guess that is just another name to add to the list.