Do you think that you can learn to hate someone? I dont think that I know how , or I knew how, to hate someon, before, so I am not sure if that is what this is. I talked to mom a few days ago, after my meeting w/DOC. And After I finally cried. I finally let all of that out. And for the first time I vocalized what I THINK I feel towards Her. I havent even really said Her name because I dont want to hear it in my own ears. And it i funny how it is just Her name and not anyone else's. For example, I have no problem saying Laurie in reference to Matthew's mom, but when it is in reference to Her I cant say it. And I almost feel guilty capitalizing "Her" bur I dont know how else to reference Her. Cept maybe "coke" since I have found out that is Her candy of choice, and explains a lot about Her behavior. Anyway, I finally said, out loud, that I hated her. But I am not even certain that's true. I have never been so hurt by someone before, not like that. Not where I forgot to breathe. Because my world came down SO fast I forgot to breathe. How dos that happen? How do you let that happen? I let that happen. Yeah, I know what you are going to say, but I did.

I have done a lot of soul searching. I feel like I have been barely able to keep my head up above water for what seems like forever. Through court, through meetings, through tears, and doubts, through new hopes, and close friends... I dont remember what I was like before July. So much more clouds my mind now. But its the last two things that have helped me keep my head above the water. Above that crushing weight that wishes to steal my breath one more time. I know that soon all of this will be behind me, and I know that I will live through it. I have made such strides in moving on with my life. I am making friends... And anything that comes up now, that stands in the way of that... I am having a difficult time getting past them. I feel like I have done so much to pick myself up that now if anything happens to the contrary to that progress I barely have the strength to overcome that too. Like if I cant work at the CM anymore. .. I know that I can find something else. I know tat we can survive, but its not just that. I found something that I can do for myself that helps us get through this difficuilt time, and I am making friends there, I just cant think about that getting taken away from me too.