While he naps...

I know that I have been posting alot during the day, but I try to get it in while he sleeps so usually each post represents a nap! I realize I could edit the same post, but I don't. HA!

I feel really good about going to the gym last night. I really hope I can get myself into the habit of going. I have been pretty bummed since I had Hayden. I knew my body would change, and I know its only been 3 months. But its a mental downer when you know that you weigh less than you did when you got pregnant, but your shirts are still tight cuz your stomach is all stretched out. Like I said before, its like a Ziploc bag with water. Its weird and I don't like it, and there is only one way to change it. Add on top of that my hips are still all spread out.... Yes, I know its part of the package and I know it will never be exactly the same but it bums me out. So I really want to make myself do this, and I do like the gym... I am a little self conscious being there, but I keep telling myself that no one cares. No one cares what you are doing, they are focused on their own thing. I have to keep telling myself that no one is watching, no one is paying attention to how fast I am pedalling, or what the resistance is set to, or what I am wearing. All of this is BEFORE I get there, cuz I get myself all self conscious, and I wont go. Once I am there, on my bike, my earbuds in, and my iPod or TV on, I don't even know anyone else is there, but its the getting there that will prove to be the challenge until I get it to being a habit and not an obligation. And that is always my challenge. I am never consistent enough to make it into a routine, and I really do want to. I just have to make that decision. And I have to make it for myself, not because anyone else wants me to, or tells me that I need to, it has to be my decision 100%. That is just the way I work. Like when I quit smoking (I know, I know, get over the fact that I did it, I don't anymore) I wouldn't stop just cuz its bad, or because anyone wanted me to, but one day I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. So I threw away the rest of my pack and I haven't done it since, never even wanted to, well, no that's not true, I had some weak moments where I THOUGHT I wanted to, but I never did cuz I knew I didn't... Anyway, the moral of the story is that one day I decided not to do it, so I never did. I overcame an addiction with sheer will power, mental strength. SO I KNOW that once I do it, make that decision, I will succeed. I think the key is not to focus on losing weight as the reason for doing this. I think if I am doing it because I WANT to, because I enjoy it, and it makes me feel good. that will be the difference. I haven't found anything that I really enjoy, except riding my bike (and roller blading, which is out) So I have high hopes for my latest endeavour. Because at the end of the day, I want it to be because it makes me FEEL good. I want to feel GOOD. I don't care if I LOOK good, I don't care how much weight I lose, I don't care what the number inside my jeans says, I want to feel GOOD. And once I start to feel better maybe I will branch out, maybe I will enjoy my elliptical then. (Matthew doesn't want to sell it, cuz he uses it too) 9 months to put it on, 9 months to take it off. I guess I do have ONE size goal, I want to sit comfortably (as possible without any leg room) on the airplane when we fly home.