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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Never more than we can handle?

This is Amanda's post, but I am borrowing it because she has a gift that I do not have.  I will change some of it, but it will make more sense when I do.

"The family now knows, so I’m free to discuss it.  Back in April, I (Amanda) posted the following: “Ever have one of those days where your entire life gets turned upside down and the one thing you counted on most to be your rock isn't? That was yesterday.” That April day, I got a phone call from my mom, saying that the doctor wanted to discuss the results of a routine blood test, and to bring someone with her.  “Bring someone with you” never bodes well.  The only person Mom could get a hold of was me, so I went.  She took the news better than I did:  Mom has leukemia.  The blood tests eventually confirmed what we suspected:  the type of leukemia she has is Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia (CLL), the same as Grandpa and Uncle Dan, who was diagnosed shortly after Grandpa’s death.  She is seeing the same oncologist as Uncle Dan, so he is familiar with both of their cases, since heredity seems to be an important factor.   It’s tough.  Remembering how Grandpa’s death affected me, I can only imagine how much it will multiply when I lose Mom.  And I can’t help but jump there.  There were so many medical advances even during the time Grandpa was sick.  But both Mom’s and Uncle Dan’s white counts are increasing at a faster rate than Grandpa’s did.  How do I live without my mom?  Even though I no longer call her as often, and she’s not the first person I call to share something, she is still one of the most important people in my life.  I can’t do it.  I can’t think about it.   There will be a time for that, later, when she’s sick more often, when she’s tired all the time, and when she starts wasting away like Grandpa did.  Most of the time, I am able to forget, because there’s not much to remind me.  It isn’t affecting her yet, and she still has as much energy as ever.  But every once in a while I’ll remember with a start, and my heart sinks and I hug her a little tighter and a little longer. "

I think about it a lot because I am not there.  I cant hug her.  I cant touch her and know that she is still here.  She didnt tell anyone cause she didnt want people to look at her differently.  I thing I know is that people do look at you differently.  I dont think that they can help it.  She didnt want people to focus on her being sick when they should focus on the joy of our marriage.  You never really accept this kind of thing.  I still have a hard time believing what it did to grandpa.  Sometimes I even have myself convinced that it was some horrible dream and he is still at home.  Safe healthy and the jovial man that I remember from my childhood.  But he was sick most of my entire life.  So my memories are few and faint from when he wasnt sick, but I cherish them.  And I will wish every day of my life that I was with my mom.  But I know that is noy what she wants.  She wantsd me to be here with Matthew, but that wont take away what I do not have.  More time with my mommy.

1 comment:

Ems said...

my greatest fear is that I wont get to say good-bye.