Sunday...

So I don't really have anything to talk about. I am just bored and tired. Friday night screwed me up! I am so tired after staying up half the night. I have to go to the commissary and get some groceries. I have been stalling on telling them I am PG so I can make money to get food and stuff... Anyway, I need to do that. But I am stalling. I don't want to go, but we need food. Wait, no, I need food. And I really want a Subway sandwich. I should go. I want to get a body pillow too. To help me stay on my left side (hopefully). I am getting further along, so I need to really start trying to stay on my left side before I get bigger. I have been trying but I always wake up on my right side or on my stomach. Anyway, we'll give a body pillow a try. I wish they weren't so expensive, I would get two and just sandwich myself in. I cant wait till I hear about this job, I want to get a couple pairs of maternity pants. Mine aren't getting small yet or anything, they just aren't comfortable. I feel like they are just rubbing my stomach and irritating it. SO I have been tucking in my shirt (which I HATE) to help a little. If not pants then are these Bella Bands that look intriguing. so you can wear your pants, only unbuttoned, and they cover the waist band and look like a shirt, or whatever and smooth things out so it doesn't LOOK like your pants are unbuttoned. Anyway, I need to go shopping, so I am going to go, since I didn't have anything to talk about in the first place.

Chocolate Affair

It went pretty good. I had fun. At this moment I NEVER want chocolate again. I was a taste tester so I had to sample EVERYTHING, and I got so sick of chocolate. There was one booth, Indian Valley Meats, that had cheese and bread and reindeer summer sausage. All I could say was "Thank God its NOT chocolate." But it was fun. When you are a judge people treat you The VERY well, lol. I wish I could have had some wine though, that was difficult. Tried to do my best at limiting my chocolate intake (caffeine, you know). The auction went all right. The first number show around $15,000. Which isn't too bad. Anyway, I will post some pictures later. I don't feel like digging all my stuff out right now. I am glad Matthew didn't go though, cuz he would have been bored. I was running around, taking pictures, filling vendor supplies, taste tasting, etc. He would have been bored. And he seems to have had a good time w/o me, playing hockey (both real and video game). So I guess it all worked out. I didn't get home till 11 or so. I was SO tired I glad I was smart enough to bring my ballet flats to wear instead of my dress shoes cuz my feet swelled up pretty bad from being on them pretty much all day. Matthew gave me a foot massage when I got home though. I didn't even have to ask him. He is so good to me.

Yuck

OMG, the first day of Week 9 SUCKED!!! I was sick most of the day. I don't know if it was something I ate or what. But I cant make myself puke so I have to suffer until it becomes too much. if I think about it hard enough I can will myself into puking, but it takes awhile. I wish I could just stick my finger down my throat like most girls...LOL. Sorry that wasn't funny, its a serious problem. But the weird thing is I want some lasagna so bad. I am so sick, but I want some lasagna. Mom's lasagna. Stouffer's is pretty close to Mom's but its not the same so it doesn't satisfy the craving but it takes the edge off, which is what is important I guess. I have to buy the small single serving size cuz I know I could easily put away a family size!!!! LOL. I hope I feel better tomorrow cuz I have the Chocolate Affair tomorrow night, and I cant go feeling like this, being around all that food and having to smooze up the bidders and such. I will be miserable. I cant tell if Matthew wants to go or not. He brought it up today, but he has to work at UPS, and he wouldn't be home until 7:30 and it starts at 7. And I don't think I could wait for him. Anyway, He says he could go either way on attending, which means he probably wants to go, most likely so he can wear his suit. Oh well. I may have to stay home too. No, I'm not missing this. I have no idea how I am going to do my hair, and I have practically forgotten how to put on make-up. Ha, ok, ok, that's a lie, but its been a LONG time!

9 weeks

Your pregnancy: 9 weeks

How your baby's growing:Your new resident is nearly an inch long — barely the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce, but he's poised for rapid weight gain now that his basic physical structure is in place. He's also starting to look more and more human. His embryonic "tail" is now completely gone and his body parts — including organs, muscles, and nerves — are kicking into gear.His eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. He has earlobes, and by week's end, the inner workings of his ears will be complete. His upper lip is fully formed, too, and his mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The tips of his fingers are slightly enlarged where his touch pads are developing. All major joints — his shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles — are working, enabling your baby to move his limbs. As for his heart, it has divided into four chambers now, and the valves have started to develop. External sex organs are there, but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.

Feeling depressed, read this...

The only day with the prospect of geting to 50 degrees is Saturday. Otherwise, it is staying in the 40's... They're calling for snow... SNOW! You think you are cold... Lows to the low 30's. Just thought I would share.

Oh yeah...

I forgot to add that yesterday I had a pretty emotional day. Ha, I was watching Cars and I got to the end and I was BAWLING. As many times as I have seen this movie, when he stops to push King over the finish line. "I think the King should finish his last race" I lost it completely, I couldnt help it. It was like nothing else I have ever experienced. I mean I am used to crying at stupid stuff. But this was IN-SANE. I couldnt stop it. Usually when I start to crying at dumb stuff, I can stop it, but this time I couldnt, it just came. Its wierd. Cuz one second you are laughing, and the next you're crying. Matthew gives me the strangest looks. And sometimes I make this little sound, like when I start crying, but I dont want him to know, but I make this little sob sound and I am running out of excuses. Usually I just pretend that I am laughing or coughing or something... I know he knows. LOL. Oh well, screw it, I'm pregnant, leave me alone.

Edit: I went back and read what I wrote, and I want to clarify that I dont want him to know I'm crying at the time, because it was caused by something so stupid, usually on TV, and not because I am ashamed or anything. Just embarassed that the Tide commercial made me blubber or the lady won $10,000 on some game show and she was so happy it made me cry... So I wanted to clarify that.

WDW

Matthew and I have been discussing WDW a lot lately cuz his parents are going pretty soon. We have decided that we are going to save some money and stick with Pop Century. It seems like that right thing to do for us. I mean, awesome resorts are great and all, but how much time are we really going to spend there? Are we really going to want to take a carriage ride, or are we going to want to to ride ToT (Tower of Terror) four more times? We just need a place to sleep and shower, and there is no need to spend tons extra just for a place to store our clothes. Which will give us a better pillow for when we come home. But Pop C wasn't SO bad, but like I said, how much time are we actually going to spend there? We want to be in the parks, not our room. But we were drooling of Pixie Coke Food. Cuz it just gets into your veins and you cant get enough (thus the coke, as in cocaine) Any that was another thing I liked about Pop C, was the Food Court, and being able to go and get a mug of Hot Chocolate and a cookie whenever I wanted it, you know. That was the really nice thing, being able to pick and choose. So its all building up for 2009. Doesn't even seem like we were just there not even a year ago! Matthew was trying to figure out the last time we were there, and i was like Last Year, remember Thanksgiving weekend being crowded? He couldn't believe it was just last year. But then he got me doubting when it was... But it doesn't help that as soon as we were on that bus on the way back to the airport, we were already planning our next trip back. I am so ready to go back. I blame Matthew, for this obsession. I blame his parents too, lol. But mostly Matthew, cuz he feeds it, he encourages my addiction to Pixie Coke. He wants to talk about it, and discuss it, and plan. Oh well, got to have something that gets you through. And I think that may be another reason why I am SO connected to it, because of my first trip. It came right after the most horrible thing that has ever happened in my life, and for that week, it was like it had never happened. And to have a place relieve me of that much hurt, and pain, and sadness, and fear... to know that it has THAT much power, or more accurately, magic, and to have found that at the time when you needed it the most, how can you not become connected to that place and that magic. And its knowing that there is a place that you can return to and find that magic, over and over again, and know that it will always be there... That is a powerful thing.

Bummed out

You know if it weren't for some very small "symptoms" I would never even know that I was pregnant. If I wasn't so exhausted, and if it didn't feel like my chest had been run over by a Mack a truck (or stuck, squished in a mammogram machine for three days)... I wouldn't know I was pregnant. I had like one day were I was feeling nauseous, and then it was gone. So I am feeling really good. I can tell my waist is expanding, I haven't put any weight on, but my waist is expanding cuz my jeans are fitting little snug lately. Not totally uncomfortable yet, I'm hoping I still have awhile before that yet. But I can tell, I doubt anyone else can but I can.

I was pretty upset yesterday. I got a new dress for Sarah's wedding, which I planned to wear again for the MS Chocolate Affair, cuz its a black tie kind of event. But when I buy dresses I have to buy them big enough for my hips which means than the bodice is usually too big. So anyway, I got this dress, and had my mom tailor the bodice to fit better. So I tried the dress on for the CA yesterday and it doesn't fit in the bodice. Its too small, so now I cant wear it. I have to find something else, which I'm sure I have something, I tons of clothes, but I wanted to wear that one cuz it has a 50's feel to it, and the theme of the Affair is Classic Hollywood. Anyway, another symptom, I guess... One Matthew is enjoying a little too much...LOL. he feels the need to point out the increase in size at the strangest times. Anyway, I am pretty bummed about the dress.

Flying Home

I am really anxious about flying home with the baby. I mean its gonna be the first travel trip with the baby, and it has to be on a plane. I wonder what will be better, several shorter flights, or one longer flight. Should I go the 2/4/1 hour flights? Or should I go the 6/1 hour flights. (these are known as Seattle to Min/St Paul to Moline vs Min/St Paul to Moline...) I don't know. I am already nervous about it. So we're looking at 7-8 months old. I don't know... I guess I can do what I can do, I'll be a mom instead of the fellow traveller, so instead of cursing the crying baby, I'll be like screw you, I'm trying to quiet her down. I just think that the fewer take offs and landings the better... Keep a Binky or a nipple in her mouth ought to keep her quiet, right? LOL. Oh well, I have a year before I need to actually start worrying about this. I have to HAVE the kid first.

PFD

I am so pissed right now. This is the second year we havent been able to get a PFD because there was something wrong with my application. So now I have to find a way to tell matthew that we dont get the $1654 PFD this year either. At leats I know that next year they HAVE to give us at least one since my baby will be born Alaskan. I am just dreading telling Matthew cuz he was so excited to get this money. God, this sucks so much. He is going to be so mad. But there isnty anything that I can do differently except keep applying every year. And I cant worry about this right now.

MS Chocolate Affair

We had a Chocolate Affair meeting tonight. It should be fun. It's going to be a "Classic Hollywood" theme. I was going to wear me dress I wore to Sarah's wedding, but my boobs are too big. Its funny cuz mom had to take it in so much around the chest and now I cant get zippered into it. So I haven't tried on my black one that had originally bought for my birthday Vegas trip that I never got to go on. But I have to have a dress cuz it is a fancy, black tie event. OOOOh, I also have that silver skirt... I guess I have some options if I cant fit into that black dress either. But that one has a strapless back so I would have to deal with a sticky bra, but that is probably too small too, since I bought it for Matthew's ALS graduation so I could wear that black dress... I guess it will have to be the silver skirt. That is ok though, its pretty and its long so I could wear short underneath instead of stupid pantyhose. I guess I have to decisions to make, its still too weeks away. But I get to be a taste tester, and a model for the live auction. I am excited. i hope Matthew can go, cuz he would have fun too. And he would be able to wear his suit, but it starts at 7 and he probably has to work at the UPS store. Oh well. Anyway, I'll let you know what I decide to wear. And I will have pictures so you can see the event. I'm kinda sad that this is going to be the last one. Stupid National is becoming so money hungry that they want to cancel the Chocolate Affair so they can add a higher end event. Cuz CA doesn't bring in enough money, like $35,000 is chump change. So they are going to have the Dinner of Champions instead. Basically that event is for the big, important people and corporations who have a lot of money to give (Basically up here that would be BP). And that's who attends. It isn't for the average person, its for people with money. And I think that is sickening. they cancel an event where anyone can afford to buy a ticket and can afford to bid in the auctions for something that kisses the corporate asses for more money, so the average person or CLIENT cant attend. Its just sad. They are still doing the Walk and the Bike events but still, the CA is such a great event and the community and the MANY small businesses around the city really get into it, because they can afford to donate an item or be a vendor for food. Its just sad.

To get an idea here is a link to past CA pictures:
http://www.nationalmssociety.org/site/PhotoAlbumUser?view=UserAlbum&AlbumID=63067

Randomness

I saw Jen at the commissary yesterday. She said she told the head honchos at Marie's about me. So she's workin on them. I'm gonna give them a call later on today. So keep your fingers crossed. Kinda had a surprise this morning, there was a fire truck out in our street. I want to know why. I think they were working on our side of the street so I dont know what was going on. Its not everyday when there is a first responder's truck on your street, right out your window!

Today is the first day when my vitamins made me feel a little ill. Normally, vitamins make me sick, but my prenatals hadnt bothered me, up until today. Weird.

Feeling very "In Love"

Yesterday, Matthew and I laid in bed most of the afternoon (he sleeps during the day and gets up around 4 pm) just watching Friends, cuz we don't get to spend a lot of time together. So he promised that this weekend we could just lay in bed and cuddle and watch Friends. But we were laying there and out of no where he puts his hand on my stomach and says "My Baby." I about melted right through the bed onto the floor. It was just a beautiful moment. I am trying to find ways to make him feel like he is part of this pregnancy which is really hard to do this early on. But he can't feel the things that I feel everyday... So I want to make sure he knows what's going on and that he feels a part of it. But that just made me happy... in a way I have never known before. Like a new level to our relationship. It was a happy day.

Dreams

The fun dreams have started. The day before yesterday was a Nice prison dream. I was in some kind of detention center that was down a VERY steep hill from mom and dad's house. And I was a pretty popular prisoner, and I decided I needed to escape. So they made us watch some movie about RFK in this huge common room and I just walked out the doors, but no one could see me. And the alarms were going off and they had guards and dogs out in the yard, and I was trying to run up the super steep hill, and i was so afraid the dogs would find me, but every time I passed one, it was like they could sense I was there, but couldn't see me. So I fought my way up to the house, and it was all in disrepair. The roof was caving in where Lew's room was. So I opened the door and the sunroom was arranged the way it used to be, with the recliner by the door, and mom was sitting in the recliner, like she was waiting for me, but when she turned to look at me, her eyes were all vacant and huge black. Then I woke up. It was freaky!

And last night I had had the baby and I was bringing her home and I brought Grizzly with, too. But dad wouldn't let her be in the house, and she got attacked. And I thought she got killed, but it was a different gray and white kitty, and I found Griz hanging off a drying rack. And I had to take her into the vet in Wilton, but they couldn't see her right away and made an appointment for her in like 3 weeks, but she wasn't going to survive for three weeks, so I bitched and complained until they took her. So I took the baby back to mom and dads, and there was a pool and I had the baby in the pool and we were trying to get to the surface of the water, and by the time i got to the surface, Grizzly was in the house. It was disturbing too.

I"M HUNGRY

Ok, I am seriously STARVING. I am so hungry. All the time. I cant get enough food. And its not like I just want to eat, its that I am starving. I have only been awake for a few hours, but I have have 3 bowls of cereal, two sandwichs, 3/4 a bag of baby carrots and a bunch of grapes. And some graham crackers. And I am starving. But whe I eat I am full when I get done, and then 1/2 hour later I am hungry again. I know that around weeks 7 the baby goes through a major growth spurt, so maybe that is why I cant get enough food. But dont worry, mom, I am being careful about what I eat. Just cuz I'm eating alot, doesnt mean I'm eating a lot of crap.

James Brown and Pavarotti "Man's World"

This was just too cool not to share.

http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=8989

H2O

I have to say I am feeling better today. I have been slacking on drinking my water, and though I know I will pay for it tonight, I feel so much better cuz I have been drinking nothing but water all day today. I think it really helped me feel better. So I advocate drinking lots of water. Hopefully it will help flush out whatever it is that has had me feeling so icky. And I think my fingernails on my left hand are growing faster than the right. Weird, huh?

I feel really icky, like oily. I just always want to shower. My skin is all greasy cuz I cant use my regular face stuff, so I need to find a new one. And the one I am using now isn't for oily skin, so I don't feel like its getting clean. And the same with my hair. I just don't feel like its getting clean. I mean for like an hour or two, after I wash it, its fine and then it feels oily again. I have read that hormones are to blame and soon it will switch over to being dry. Actually the rest of my body is itchy and dry, like I took a too hot shower. Thank goodness for Palmer's Coco Butter since it seems to be the only thing that helps, but doesn't make me greasy. Its a gross little stage I am in right now. But overall, I am feeling pretty good, so I am not going to complain too much. And I have calmed down quite a bit.

This constant worrying is really starting to wear on me. Every twinge sends me into a panic. Well, maybe not a panic, but a "what was that? should that happen?" line of thinking. I dont know, maybe I would feel better if I thought I had someone to call like a regular doctor, but I dont. It sucks. And I am afraid o go to work, especially this weekend, since it is the case lot sale. And We will be really busy and all day would be loading cases of stuff. Which cant be good. But I know Tom is going to be calling me to come to work (I havent told them yet) and Iam going to have to find excuses for not going. I hope I get hat job at Marie's. It would take such a load off my shoulders. I feel bad for not going in to work, but I have to think about the baby too. Especially, given the events of the last couple days. If it wasnt a case lot I would go in, but... Anyway, I dont need to add to the worryig that isnt doing anyone any good. I am really trying to relax. I just have all these things swirling around in my head... I am sure thats normal for a first time mom. Or any new mom... I just wish they would get out of my head. I swear I am going stop reading things. I am turning into a pregnancy hyperchondriac. Everything I read, I think is happening to me, good or bad.

Written by Danielle (two weeks ahead of me)

prayer...

I hold you close to me and I wonder..
Will I be your best friend,
the one you tell your secrets to?
Your protector,
the safest place you know?
Will we be like my friends and their children?
My mother and me?

This I do know:
I'll believe in you,
support you,
watch over you,
love you.

I..ll hang on your words
and smile at your stories.
And day by day,
month by month,
we'll learn who we are together..
You and I.

Love Mommy

Am I lucky??

Mom told me that she never had morning sickness with all three of us kids. And apparently neither did my grandma. So maybe, for once, genes have benefitted me. So that makes me feel a bit better. And I am feeling really good today. I am actually feeling really good most of the time. Besides being tired a lot. But as long as I have gotten enough sleep, I'm good.

7 weeks

Your pregnancy: 7 weeks

How your baby's growing:Your baby still appears to have a small tail (actually, it's an extension of his tailbone), which will disappear in the next few weeks. But that's the only thing getting smaller. Now almost half an inch long — roughly the size of a raspberry — he has elbow joints and distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. In his oversized head, both hemispheres of his brain are developing. His teeth and the inside of his mouth are forming, and his ears continue to develop. Eyelid folds partially cover his tiny peepers, which already have some color, and the tip of that nose you'll be tweaking someday is emerging. His skin is paper-thin and his veins are clearly visible.Your little one also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. His liver is busy producing red blood cells, and a loop of your baby's growing intestines is bulging into his umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from his tiny body. You can't feel his gyrations yet, but your baby is like a little jumping bean, moving in fits and starts around his watery home.

Stupid nurse

So the stupid nurse never called me back today. Which really pisses me off, but at least I know now that a 3 hour wait at the ER results in a guarantee that I will be seen by someone, whereas a call to a nurse results in an all day wait with no results. I'd rather wait all day in the ER knowing that I would have some answers than the "connivance" of calling in. So lesson learned there. Good news is that I haven't had anymore cramps since early this afternoon, and my boobs still hurt like a M-F**ker so that's got to be a good sign. But I will probably go in the Women's Health and take Julie's advice and request an HCG test. Or at least know the results of my last blood test. I hate the military hospital. I wish I could go somewhere else, preferably Providence, but if I do then Tricare wont pay for it. Which sucks. So I am stuck. But in the good news column, my friend Jen may have hooked me up with a job at Marie's. I said all along that I was going to stay away from the industry, but its really a last resort, and I know that I can probably get a job there. its not ideal, but its temporary.

Matthew brought up the idea that I might need/want/should come home a couple months before he does. I don't know, that's a lot to think about. I don't really like the idea of taking the baby away from Matthew for that long. And then there are logistic issues like I would be living w/o my stuff or a long time, or if we set our TMO date for before I leave then Matthew has to survive on little. And he would have to clean the house for check out all by himself. I know we have talked about hiring someone to do it for us, but I was never really serious about that. Well, half serious. And I'd hate for him to be away from his child for that long. Plus the kitties would miss their daddy. I don't know, we have a lot to think about. Plus there would be missing holidays. Matthew would be all alone on Christmas. And he would miss his baby's first Christmas, which is one of the big reasons why he's getting out in the first place... so he wouldn't miss big things like that. Oh well, that is a long way off and I don't really have the brain power to worry about that right now.

Waiting for the nurse

I am having a bit of a panic right now. I am handling it pretty well. Last night around 1 am or so I went to the bathroom and I had some discharge and a VERY SMALL amount of spotting. It was so small I wasn't too concerned and a bit of cramping. I am almost sure it was just from implantation cuz the blood was dark brown not red. So I just went back to sleep. And now I am regretting not going to the ER right away. I should have just went, and by now I wouldn't be worried about it. There hasn't been anything else, but I still need to put my mind at ease, and waiting for the nurse to call is driving my crazy. I am trying to find things to keep me busy, but I cant keep my mind off it. I should have just gone. A three hour wait is nothing compared to this worrying and not knowing. If anything else happen between now and before the call, I am going to the ER. I'm waking Matthew up and I am going. I am just worried cuz I haven't had any morning sickness yet so I am worried that my hormone levels aren't where they should be. Maybe I am just reading too much. I have all these scenarios in my head now. I just need the nurse to call me!!!! I guess I will make myself some lunch and try to call my mom again. I would go take a walk or something, but I was stupid and gave them our home phone and not my cell phone as a good number to call.

Rain

Well, we have been waiting for it and not it is finally here. The rain has finally come. And it is NOT going anywhere anytime soon. Matthew is all worried about me getting sick. It is so sweet. He wants me to wear a coat and a hat everywhere I go... Funny. And its not like I'm going out in capris and a tee shirt, I have a hat on and a sweatshirt, but a coat is a bit much. But I should go off to work anyway. Rain or no rain, we need money. lol. Cant wait to get a real job. One inside at least.

Updates

Lately, it seems like everything is a crisis. I think we will be fine. Matthew and I sat down last night and talked about it. And there are options out there, but we will be ok for a couple months. I just have to be careful, and keep applying to jobs. But I can tell you that i am getting so discouraged. Cuz I have these great interviews. And I can totally do the job, and then they hear about LA, and suddenly, I'm out. No one wants to take a chance on me, I guess. But I am so worth the chance. I wish they would give me a chance to prove it. But I keep telling myself that this is all temporary. I will have more important things to worry about soon. Lol. Matthew actually forgot that I was pregnant yesterday. He was like :"if you work 8 hours a day at the commissary... Like a real job, we'll be fine." I had to laugh. I was just like honey, that's what I'm doing now, but the problem is that I cant work there. Sooner or later they are going to find out, or its going to snow, either way..." He's like "oh, yeah, for a minute I forgot you were pregnant." So at least we worked out some options, and some alternatives.

Today I am going take most of the day off. I have been really tired. I should have done it yesterday when I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. And I haven't really recovered from it. I keep having to get up to go pee. And that's been rough. Plus Matthew isn't home at night, he is working, so I cant really get comfortable because of the hard foam through the middle of the bed. All of this added together, makes it very difficult to sleep.

Matthew has decided to go back to Airline mechanics, rather than drafting. And I am pretty relieved. He has always said that he wanted to do that, and this drafting thing came up, and all of a sudden he wants to go to college for drafting. I would support him in whatever he decided to do, of course, but he had always wanted to be an airline mechanic. So I am glad that he has gone back to that. But instead of being in Ankeny, we may end up in Rockford (not for sure, of course) cuz there is a college there. Which is ok, cuz its actually closer to home, and closer to Marcus and Amelia. Except that its Ill and Annoying. And we have made fun of the Ga's for living in IL, and now we move there? But its so close to home, only about 2 hours according to Mapquest. So I'm feeling ok, but now I have to figure ok what I am going to do. That seems to be the theme of my life...

Relaxation

I indulged in the cottage cheese. It was glorious. I want more. Hopefully, this isn't a sign of things to come. I haven't got "morning" sickness yet. Everything I have read says it should be starting any moment now. I am a little concerned cuz my first appointment with an actual doctor isn't until October. The last one was with a nurse. And that kinda worries me. Shouldn't it be sooner than 11 weeks into it? I guess if there is anything fishy with my blood test results they'll let me know, but I don't want to wait around freaked out. And I'm waking up at 4:30am and I cant get back to sleep. Which adds to my exhaustion, cuz I'm working all day and there isn't a whole lot of opportunity to take a nap. And then the fact that I am working at the commissary worries me, cuz I shouldn't be doing it, but I have to cuz we need money, cuz we don't have any of that, and no one seems to want to give me any. So I am trying so hard to engage ANY relaxation technique I have picked up along the way. Cuz I know stress is bad for the baby. And I am SO sick of having to pee. I woke up 5 times last night between 10 pm when I went to bed and 4:30 when I woke up. SO that averages to almost once an hour. I am just a mess right now.

6 Weeks

Your pregnancy: 6 weeks

How your baby's growing:The cells that will make up all of your baby's body parts and systems are dividing furiously as her body begins to take shape. Right now she's about the size of a small lentil bean (4 to 5 millimeters across). If you could see through your uterine wall, you'd find an overlarge head and dark spots where her eyes and nostrils are beginning to take shape. Shallow pits on the sides of her head mark her developing ears, and her arms and legs appear as protruding buds. Her hands and feet look like paddles, with thick webbing between the developing digits, but her fingers and toes will soon become more distinct. Below the opening that will later be your baby's mouth, there are small folds where her neck and lower jaw will eventually develop. (Inside, her tongue and vocal cords are just beginning to form.)Your baby's heart (which is starting to divide into the right and left chambers) is beating about 100 to 130 beats per minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to circulate through her body. Her intestines are developing and tiny breathing passages are beginning to appear where her lungs will be. She's also starting to build muscle fibers and, halfway through this week, she'll likely start moving her tiny limbs. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to wait until you're several weeks into your second trimester before you get to enjoy feeling your baby's calisthenics.

Crickets little heart is beating.

Food cravings update

Still Cottage Cheese and now pickles. Yes, I am THAT person who is pregnant and wants pickles... How cliche!

I got another call for another interview. I have to call the lady back tomorrow morning, but its at a law firm downtown. Administrative Assistant. Kinda excited about that one, too, but I havent had the interview yet.

I dont know

I guess the biggest thing that worries me about all of this is the money. I suppose that will be true for the rest of my life. But we have so many problems now... I know that priorities will definitely have to change... And Matthew will be getting his raise, plus another dependent, plus I will have a job then too. But I dont know. I dont know what to do about daycare. I dont really even know where to start. I am getting so overwhelmed. And my new job, you have to be at a job for 12 months to get maternity leave. And I am going to want/need at least a month if not more. So that means its June (give or take) by the time I go back to work. Which means if its the hotel, I'm leaving right at the start of tourist season. Am I going to be able to just come back? Or are they going to replace me? Am I going to go back for 5-6 months and then move? I dont know what I am going to do. I have to go back to work, cuz we cant move home with no savings. But right now we dont have anything to save. Something has to go. I need a job where I dont have to worry about how much i am lifting and I cant work there once they know I'm pregnant, its against the rules. I have about two months, I figure. Maybe longer, since I can hide under sweatshirts and coats now that its getting chilly. But once it snows, the threat of slipping and falling is too great. So I am praying for one of those places to call me. I dont know what else to do. I thought about going to work at the UPS store till I find something, just to have a job, but Matthew already told them I was preggo and its getting to be Christmas time which translates into heavy boxes of Christmas presents. I need to find somewhere, something. Oh, Lord, I dont know what to do. And I am trying to not stress myself out too much. I know its best to stay calm. But I cant help it.

I guess it's more that I need to get all of this out of my head so I can start to sort this out. If it stays in there, it becomes bigger and bigger and scarier, and more overwhelming. Sometimes you have to write it out, and get an idea of what you are facing before you can prepare a battle plan. Thats all I need, is a battleplan. To know what to do and what I need to do and how to accomplish those things in the next couple of months.

Make note

at week 5.5 the "morning" sickness has reared its ugly head. As have some cravings. Number one is Cottage Cheese. I want to bathe in cottage cheese, OK not really, but I really, really want some. And the Pizza Hut Dippable Pizza. Pepperoni. But it has to be the dippable (cut in horizontal strips, not slices) or I don't want it. But I can live w/o the pizza, since I know its not good for me, but I might have to kill for the cottage cheese.

I have had two job interviews the past week. One for a small business, as an administrative assistant. I really want that job, but I don't think I'll get it. I was really nervous at the interview, cause I wanted it so much. And then I had another one at the Hilton Garden Inn for front desk receptionist. It only pays $9 an hour but at this point I can hardly be picky. The interview for that one went a little better. Actually it went pretty well. But that one means weekends. I am going to negotiate no Sundays, but I don't know. I know its pretty temporary, but the second shift is 3-11pm. And the whole child care thing worries me. Since Matthew will be on swings (12pm-8am) or by then he could be on Mids (4pm- 12pm). What then? I guess that's some time away, but something to think about. Whereas the job with the first place is 7am-3pm M-F. No weekends.