Cats

Why does everything have to cost so much money? Hayden and I are flying NWA home, and I looked up the pet travel prices and its $275 per kennel. And I just dont trust Jackie to not freak out, so I cant put them in the same kennel... so its going to be $550 to fly the cats home. And I just dont know where that money is going to come from. I mean, I will try to work for it, but with trying to clean, and everything else...I just dont know if I have enough time! I jguess I could stop sleeping and do the cleaning at niht and work all day long, but Matthew has stuff he is going to have to do during the day so he cant watch Hayden ALL day. Why does everything have to be so much money? I'd say lets leave them here, but I cant. There are times I wouldnt mind, but I would miss them so much, and I wouldnt trust anyone to love them as much as Matthew does. He would just be heartbroken if we had to leave them here. And to a lesser extent so would I. But we also have to take them in to get health certificates also, so there are the vet fees, cuz Jackie has to be sedated, so that is MORE money... I kinda wish they could go with Matthew, but that is impossible. The stress has come back now. Especially, now that the end is in sight and is tangible now, it really puts the pressure on... I just dont know...

Because I cant wait to share a picture like this...

Matthew's Birthday Present

Hayden pulled himself up to his feet all by himself today. I didn't help, even a little. I was over on the couch and I glanced over and he had pulled himself up on the wicker basket and was standing there, grinning at me. Like he was just waiting for me to notice what he had done. It was so cute. He is wearing his "big boy" outfit today, the one that makes him look all grown up (jeans and green sweatshirt) and there he was...standing. I welled up a bit. My baby isn't a little baby anymore. So fast...

Northern Lights

Some Updates

First off, I will report that Matthew got his orders yesterday, so we are very happy here in the Rose family. We will be going to get plane tickets for me and the Misters either today or tomorrow, so we will FINALLY have a set date of our return. So that has been a relief.

Second, I swear Misters has grown overnight! He is already pretty much grown out of all his new jammies. I am going to have to take a cue from Julie and start getting jammies without feet in them cuz the Misters has HUGE feet and has grown out of 9 month footie pj's, but it makes me sad cuz the footies are so much cuter and it means that my baby is getting bigger :(. And he is. He is getting SO good at pulling himself up. He does mainly just to his knees. But he has gone up to his feet a couple of times. I figured out why he likes to be underneath the endtable, its because its glass and he can see his reflection when he is under there. Or that was the theory until he started going under EVERYTHING. If there is room, he will have something under there, even if it is just a foot. He is still enthralled with anything that makes noise and as a result, think EVERYTHING should make noise. SO he shakes everything till he finds one that makes noise. If that thing can be banged against something else to make even MORE noise, all the better. He LOVES the wind chimes that I have hanging in the back entry. LOVES them. I have used that tidbit quite a bit lately. If I want to get his attention or distract him, its off to the wind chime. We got him a fishbowl for Christmas, that comes with 3 fishies inside. He is fascinated with them. Taking them out and putting other things in the bowl like his Binkie, rings, his new hammer. But he always takes the fish out first. Its so cute. And he knows there are three fishies, so if one is missing he will look for it until he finds it and then all three go back in the bowl. And then he usually proceeds to bang on the bowl with the hammer. LOL. Whatever keeps him occupied. We think that he is having night time separation issues, but it is kinda our fault, cuz I think we were getting lazy about bedtime routines. We would leave parts out and it was screwing him up. Nighttime has a very specific routine, whereas nap time doesn't since he usually plays till he falls asleep and then we take him upstairs and turn on his music and he takes his nap. So in diverting from the nighttime schedule, he was getting confused and was just taking a nap, instead of knowing it was bedtime. Oops, lesson learned. His little toothie is so cute. He keeps playing with it with his tongue. And of course, he wont let us see so we make him laugh so he'll open up his mouth. Ok, I think that is all for right now.

Matthew and I are SO ready to be home. I think maybe at this moment in time, he is more ready than I am simply because he has a hug drive between him and home. I know I would be read to just have it over. I am VERY glad that Jim will be meeting him in Bellvue. It really makes me feel better about him driving. There is a lot of time and miles between when Misters and I leave him and when we will get to see him again. And I don't think its totally unexpected that I am worried about him. I don't like travelling separately. There is just that fear that you wont see that other person again. And no matter how unlikely that is, it doesn't quell the fear. Especially with the Misters. Having him has multiplied that fear by a million. I want to have this over with, I am not focusing on being home at this moment, I am concentrating on cleaning and packing. Then I will concentrate on this horrible flight day, or days, depending on the situation. Then I can focus on getting home. Reminding my welcoming crew that we will have four suitcases, a car seat, two cats (who will be going with Gma & Gpa Rosies) a carry on suitcase, a diaper bag, Stroller, Hayden and myself. So please have multiple cars or a trailer or something! LOL. Anyway, that moment is so far from my mind right now, it gets pushed out by all the things that have to be done BEFORE that moment. Its just all very real now. That we are leaving. And its also very sad. But I don't have time to focus on that now. I don't actually even have time to be writing this, but I am taking this time anyway. I cant be going, going, going cuz I am exhausted already trying to all of this myself. And Hayden hasn't been sleeping well, lately, so he has been very temperamental, which is so unusual for him, but he is getting his second tooth there in the front and think that has a bit to do with it, along with the routine thing. Oh, he's awake from his nap, so I gotta go. We have to text Daddy to see if we can go get our plane tickets today.

Cleaning

I have started cleaning. I guess I started awhile ago, but now that I have the check out list, I am trying to concentrate my efforts on the things on the list. And its a lot of work. It doesn't LOOK like a lot of work, and I don't really think that it is, but I have some challenges. One small one, is the BIGGEST barrier to getting much accomplished. His name is Misters and he just wants to help. I figure if I do one room a day, I could have most of it done by the time I leave. The problem is that I don't know when that is. And a lot of this stuff I cant do until TMO gets here and gets our stuff OUT. Cuz I cant move the entertainment center, for example. And the problem is that I may not BE HERE when TMO comes. So I am DREADING the price of the cleaners coming in and finishing. That is why I am trying to get a lot done before I leave, but I don't know when that will be, and I don't know about the time between doing all of this cleaning and our actual final out inspection. I will just keep trying to plug away at what I CAN do, and hope for the best, I guess. No reason worrying about what I cant do anything about right now, right? Next issue, I am running out of cleaning supplies. I just hate to go out and buy all new cleaning stuff and then we just have to give them away. BUT I guess if I am really concerned I can box them up and send them with Matthew. I am just running out of time during the day. Between rounding up the Misters, work, sleep, and trying to exercise, I am trying to squeeze cleaning into the spaces... I just have to keep telling myself that Matthew will be done with work soon and then he can help with all of these things.

Daddy's New Game

Getting Around

Our Little Gymnast

Hayden's First Tooth

Ok, while this isnt the BEST picture of the Misters, you can see his little toothy in this picture. Its right before bed and he's tired, but for those of you who cant wait for a good picture, here you go. I present to you: Hayden's Christmas Tooth.

Christmas Videos

Getting Hayden out of bed for his first Christmas

Unwrapping his present from Grandpa Whitmer

Playing with his Giggling Pig

Matthew unwrapping his present from Jim and Laurie

Playing with his new toys

Look what Mommy left out...

I could just give him a towel for Christmas...

Ah! I thought this move would e what truly tested the limits of our marriage...all the stress and the unknown factors and such. But I think it may be having him home instead! I have a routine. Misters and I have a routine. The way the day goes, we eat, then we play, then we have juice then we nap, while we nap I get my things done... Anyway, I know he doesn't know the routine, and it is my fault cuz I have never told him the routine, but that doesn't help with my annoyance. It seems like he is always where I need to be, when I need to be there. There is limited time to do certain things, like laundry or preparing lunch. So I go to do those things and his clothes are in the washer or he is puttering around in the kitchen. SO I wait, and then he gets all defensive cuz I am waiting, or I decide o go do something else, so to him, that means I am mad at him. And then when I DO ask him to move or like this morning when I ask for the Saran Wrap (I even said please) he flips like I am yelling at him. And I did say it loud, but apparently the FIRST time I said it he didn't hear me. Probably because he has the damn music playing so loud. Turn it down! You wonder why you cant hear anymore! And he is constantly on the computer. I cant get the videos up cuz if I leave the computer alone, he swarms on it to watch hockey games. I know I need more patience with him, but I save my patience for Misters. AH! I just feel trapped in this house.

Yellow Ball

I got my hands on a final inspection check list for housing. So I know what they will be looking for at our final out inspection. I am going to start working on it. Matthew is set on having someone do it for us, which I agree with, but I also think that we can get a lot of it done, and leave the stuff we don't want to do, like the basement for instance. Since we have to clean off all the pipes, and that has never been done, and there are bugs and spiders and I cant do it. And Matthew doesn't want to do the kitchen, but I am actually not too worried about it cuz I have been chipping away at it for sometime now. And it will be WAY easier to do when the house is empty. I don't know when we will be leaving now. Still as soon as possible, but I don't think I can leave Matthew alone with all of this stuff. But it will make a difference when Matthew is home after the 7th. So then he will be around to chase after the Misters so I could get some real stuff done.

Misters is getting into EVERYTHING. He has a pile of toys, but wants to play with electrical cords. Whatever cord he can find. Usually its the router and associated cords under the desk. I am running out of things to use to block the places he cant go. So I have a bench blocking the tree, but it doesn't work cuz he has found a way to get UNDER the tree. I have the folding chair blocking the cords under the desk. I have a suitcase blocking the trash compactor. Gates blocking the chairs. I am running out of things to use. Hopefully I am running out of things to block, too.

There is definitely a lighter air in our house today. Matthew even made the comment this morning that you can tell there is less stress in our house now. I know I feel much happier. Now I am looking forward to this move instead of being afraid of it. And we are just looking forward to Christmas. Matthew wants to give me my presents now. He is so funny, he just wants so bad to give me my presents. I think he wants me to see what a good job he did at picking them out. And the really funny thing is that every year before now, I have struggled to make a list of things I want. This year (thanks to the universal wish list button on Amazon) I have a substantial list to give people a good idea of things I want or inspiration and ideas. And its this year that he doesn't even USE this list. LOL. Oh, well. Off to clean while the Misters is asleep.

Faith

A few weeks ago, mom and I were talking, at the height of my stress breakdown, and she was trying to tell me that I needed to trust the God takes care of His children. And I so wanted to let myself remember that and let go of my need to be in control... And Amanda tried to tell me the same thing, but my fear got in the way of what I knew was true. But in my weakness I thought that I knew better and I didn't trust. So a few days ago, I broke, or maybe I healed, either way, I realized that doing it on my own was SO not working. And I prayed. I prayed for help. For guidance. To help me let go of whatever it was that I was trying desperately to hold on to... And I cant ignore that after I let go of myself and asked for guidance and support, this new plan has taken shape so quickly. And all these pieces seem to be falling into their places, and I cant believe that it is simply by chance. Even more evidence that God puts the people you need, in the place you need them, when you need them. And I think tat is why I feel so good about this, why it feels like it is right. It is such a freeing feeling. I am just so happy, giddy. I need to keep my faith.

Ahhhhhh.

I cannot tell you how lighter I feel right now. I cant describe it only because I cant adequately describe how much pressure I was under and how stressed I was feeling. I mean I know I am an emotional person, but I cry easily. That is different from being emotional. The stress induced breakdowns, that was different. I was caught off guard by the severity of the stress I was under until I broke. Oh, crap, hold on, my son is dismantling his car seat. Ok, I just hope that this all pans out...especially since I have foregone the Rockford thing entirely so I am concentrating on this plan, so the sooner I know if its a go, the sooner I can release this fear entirely. I was so sure we were going to fail. I wanted so badly to believe tat everything would work out, but I never really believed it. I know that's why I was so stressed. Because I didn't know how to keep us from failing, but now we have a transition plan instead of jumping in a just hoping that it all would work out. That just isn't being realistic.

Home Sweet Home

I am feeling so good about this decision to live in Wilton for a bit. It just takes so much pressure off of me. I am able to handle things so much better because I don't have this weight on my brain, knowing that it was up to me to find a place to live and a job in a place I had never even seen before. That was such a daunting task that it was just too much. And now, I don't have to worry about that right away and it gives my full attention to finding a job. I really hope this all pans out. I know that it is news to a lot of you. And this decision has developed in the last couple of days. But we are thinking of staying in Ken's house, for a bit, maybe a year, while we get on our feet, and are a little more prepared to strike out on our own. Ken hasn't been living there, and its sitting empty (of people) so if he would be willing, it would give us a place to transition back into civilian life. And I think that is what we need more than anything. Time to adjust to a whole different way of living. And I don't mind commuting to Iowa City or the Quad Cities for work. Like I have said before, I am willing to do what it takes to get by and if that means a 40 minute drive everyday then that is what it means. And we can put Misters in Daycare in Wilton and maybe Mom could pick him up after she gets off work and watch him till we get home from work. Either way I am sure that it will be a little more economical than a bigger city. But I am feeling better. There are some kinks, like the fact that the house is fully furnished so we aren't sure what to do with our stuff, or Ken's... or how to handle that. But I am sure it will work out. Plus, I want Matthew to find out if his credits from AFCC will transfer to MCC so maybe he could finish up his AA there. I mean if it is just some math and communications, then it would be really easy to finish it up there. So we have more options with this route I think. And that makes me feel a bit more comfortable.

Hayden's First Bump

Hayden got his first goose egg on his little head. Adventures in learning to crawl. He just launched himself in to the corner of the wall

I know this is the first in a long line of bumps and bruises, but it was horrible. He screamed and cried... He was fine like 10-15 minutes later, but I was a wreck for the rest of the day. And of course we had a hockey game that night so I got a lot of crap for "beating" my child... Just thought I would share and make you feel as ad as I did. :(

Gymnast

Feet are fun

Ok, reality has set in. And I just don't know if we are going to be able to do this. You know all that crap I was spewing about wanting to just get on with it, and get on with starting the new phase? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. I just don't think we can do this. I am afraid that I wont be able to find a job that will pay the bills. This is just a horrible time to try to start completely over. If we didn't have Hayden I think it would be a different issue, but we do, and he is my priority. But now we have to factor in my stupid car payments... I just don't know what is going to happen and I hate that. I hate surprises. I hate the very idea of the unknown. I should have been a psychic. Now how do I explain all of this to Matthew? There is no turning back now. There is no way he will stay in and I cant ask him to because he is SO completely unhappy. Unhappy is not a strong enough word for how he feels about the military. I just don't know what to do. And now my prep time has been cut by two weeks. Me and the misters are going to be home between the 8th and 15th or January. That is LESS THAN A MONTH. And then it is up to me to try to find a place to live and a job and daycare and everything else, so we are set up when Matthew gets here. I am not expecting to be totally settled into anything, except maybe a job by the time Matthew gets here. I am so scared. I would rather stay unhappy than risk change and fail. That is the honest truth.

Big Boy Glass

So Sneaky...

I think we may have almost decided that Matthew is going to drive home. We have basically come full circle. The only lip in this plan is that we will have to make payments on BOTH cars... But I have decided that in the beginning I am going to take whatever job I can get. If its retail, its retail. Whatever pays the bills for the first few months or whatever. As for insurance, we can still get Tricare for, I think, 18 months, we just have to pay for it, discounted of course. So We have that time to get settled and I think I am ok with having a job for that time while trying to find something more "real." I just despise the retail schedule. I want an 8-5 Monday-Friday job. I am willing to do an occasional Saturday, but its not just me and Matthew anymore, and I want to be able to spend time with Hayden, and retail doesn't really allow for that. Plus, I hate it. I feel about retail the way Matthew feels about the Air Force. It makes me into a horrible person. Horrible. And I don't want to bring that person home to my son. I hate that person as much as I hate the job that creates her. But I am willing to do what I have to do for my family. And if that is what pays the bills then that is what I have to do. But I am trying so hard to let go a little bit. I am trying to not focus on so much stuff at once. I am so overwhelmed that I had a breakdown at the grocery store. There were just too many choices, too many things to get, too many decisions to be made that I couldn't do it, grabbed Hayden and left my cart in the middle of the aisle and left. And that was just about food and planning the week's meals. This is the world I live in right now. I guess the biggest trigger is that I am expected to know the answers. And I don't. Matthew asks me everything about Hayden, like I have all the answers and sometimes I don't know. Should I go feed him? Is he tired? I don't know. Sometimes I don't know! Everyone just need to stop asking me questions. With every question I don't know the answer to, comes a week of fretting over it. And I don't need that.

Ask me if I am freaking out. Go ahead ask me. Se what happens. At any given moment I think I am going to throw up. Yes, That seems accurate. At any moment, I am going to explode and there will be stress spread from Anchorage to the Florida Keys. Like the pressure of this move and all that's involved is pressing up against my skin from the inside... I just want this to be over with. Please, just lets get this OVER with. I am ready to take on the challenges of finding a job and a place to live. I am ready to do it. I have been so scared for the past few months, but I have gotten to the point where I am so ready to just DO this. I know its going to be hard, and a part of me is still scared, any sane person would be. But I don't have a choice but to stand up and accept that this is as what has to be done. I cant very well hide from it, so I might as well stand and do my best. But this new acceptance of our upcoming difficulties doesn't make my stress go away. Matthew is in charge of the car so I have to stop worrying about that issue. I have a whole house to concern myself with at this moment. I know that we are going to have someone come in to clean, but since most cleaners charge by the hour, I don't want to have to pay for 2 days of work, you know? I really just want them to come in and make sure that things are all up to housing standards. If you hire a cleaner recommended by Aurora (the housing company) they know what the check out people are looking for. So if you hire them you are guaranteed to pass cuz they are there at the check out, so if something is wrong or not up to standards they fix it right at that moment. And that is really what I am looking for. Is that guaranteed pass so as to not prolong this housing check out thing. I want to pass the first time and have it over with and done. I guess you could say that I am just ready to end this chapter and start the next. A sort of senioritis. Where you are just OVER your current life phase, and so ready to begin the next. I miss home so much and knowing that I am so close to being back and yet so very far away makes that sick feeling even worse. I just don't think that you can truly understand what the past 4 and a half years have felt like... that constant longing in the back of my mind for home. Not in the literal sense, I mean I don't want to move back to Wilton or anything, but the sense of home. The closeness. The ability to see my family when I want to. I think that you take that ability for granted when you haven't had to be without it. To know that my family is a drive away at any moment of the day... you can understand why I am so ready to have this move be over. 45 days.

Hockey Fight

Hayden and the Cowbell

A Boy and His Toys

So I forgot to talk about Hayden's appointment. The patches on his tummy got bigger so we took him to the doctor on Wednesday. He has eczema patches as a result of prolonged exposure to an irritant. Translated: He was allergic to something we were using in the wash. Since we use Dreft, the doctor figured it was residue from our detergent. So now I need to run a rinse before I wash Hayden's clothes in the washer and make sure not to use ANY kind of dryer sheet or anything. She gave us some Hydro cortisone cream for his tummy and the patches are clearing right up. Oh, and nothing with fragrances: no soap, lotion, shampoo, etc. So we are to continue bathing him only once a week, and we should just use water, or if we need to use soap, use Dove, which is ok cuz that's what Matthew uses anyway. Aveeno lotion seems to be working out ok, too. But I am so glad that I know for sure what is going on. Poor Misters. This whole time he has been having an allergic reaction... Oh, well Nothing we can do about that now.

I am still working on the stress thing. I think I am doing better. It takes work. A constant awareness of my emotions, which is exhausting. But I am really working very hard on not eating when I am stressed. Let me tell you, THAT awareness is just as exhausting. This car is making my hair fall out. I just don't know what we are going to do. Actually I do know. We will see what a dealer would give us, but we have to be open to the possibility that we may have to drive. The idea of being on a boat for 3 days makes me want to puke already, but if I stay drugged enough I will survive. I hope Hayden doesn't get motion sickness! Trust me, no one wants, more than me, to just fly home and get the whole thing over with, but I know that with everyday that car sits in the for sale lot, that desire becomes less and less likely. I do worry about how this is affecting Matthew and how its affecting us. We both have short fuses. Snapping at each other. I just wish this were over with. But I live in the real world and I know that it isn't going to be any better when we get home. Not for quite some time. I am so scared about all of this.

So I have been keeping a food log, trying to get my stress eating under control. You just dont realize what you are eating till you keep track... I am averaging 950 calories a day and only ONE meal of that is something substantial. So lets see if we can change this, shall we?

I apologize for these being so dark. We dont have a lot of sunlight and our house lights dont seem to be that bright. I will try to be more conscious of the lighting situations.

These are basically just Misters being Misters. The last one still makes me laugh and I have watched it AT LEAST 12 times. I think I laugh harder each time. Enjoy.

The best sound in the world

10 years.

So there was this big anniversary this week, that I thought I could ignore and just let it pass. Turns out I cant. Has it really been a whole decade? 10 years since I lost my sense of well-being and became a person always aware of what could go wrong at any moment. But I cant deny how lucky I truly am. With my on going involvement with NMSS, I have seen what this disease can do to people. In the two years I have been volunteering, I have seen people slowly get worse. And I have to realize how lucky I am that I have the "version" that I have. Numbness, lack of balance, weak bladder, poor concentration... These things are so minor in comparison. I am blessed in so many ways. Especially my family. I never thought that being pregnant would end up being the time in my life when I felt the best. It was so amazing because I felt better than I have ever felt in my life. I felt like I was normal. Like I was a healthy woman... I cant describe it. Maybe it was because I was so young when it happened, maybe it is normal when you are diagnosed with a chronic disease, but I don't ever really think of myself as "healthy" or "normal" because I will always have something wrong with me. I don't dwell on it as much anymore. It barely crosses my mind, unless I have a flare up of some kind, but sometimes, it hits you. You cant hide forever. Sometimes you have to have those moments when you are vulnerable and afraid. Because I never know what will happen. I don't know what I will wake up to the next morning. So every morning I am able to get out of bed on my own, is a day I say a little prayer of thanks. Thank you that I still have control over my body. In the back of my mind I always know that there may come a morning when I will not be able to get up, or walk, or see, or whatever. But I also know, in the back of my mind, that it is possible that, in my lifetime, we may see a cure. I am not going to start tauting the possibilities of stem cells or anything. Now is not the time. But the prospect is exciting. So here's to ten more years of health and happiness.