Decisions

Its time to make the decision that I was hoping I would be able to put off forever. Everyday my body returns more and more back to normal. "Normal" for me is exhausted and no sense of balance... So I have to decide between continuing to breastfeed Hayden and give him the best developmental nutrition that I can, and going back on my meds. I guess a large part of me hoped that by having Hayden would make me better. Foolish I know, but it was a hope that held me up for a while. I can't ignore that everytime I start upstairs I teeter like a weeble-wobble. And I know that with every misstep on the stair, every tired, over worked muscle, everyday I ignore what my body is telling me, is one more step towards a future that I don't want and never asked for. So now I have to decide between what I know to be the best for Hayden and what I know is the best for me, and for the first time I don't know what to do. Do I sacrifice Hayden's health and development for my own? How can I bring myself to do that? Except then I tell myself that if I want any kind of decent future with my son I need to do what I know I have to in order to ensure that I will be the best mommy I can be... I wish this day hadn't come. I knew i would. I knew the risks before we got pregnant, but I wouldn't change our decision for anything in this world. If having Hayden means that someday I wont be able to walk, it is a sacrifice I will make 1000 times again. I don't know... I mean I know that there are LOTS of babies who aren't breastfed and they are fine... But they hammer it into your head how important it is for you to breastfeed, and while that was made me suffer through those first weeks when I thought I would pass out from the pain, but it is also what makes me feel ridiculously guilty for stopping. But Hayden has been having formula for a couple months now, but it hasn't been his sole source of nutrition. This sucks.