I love this video cuz Hayden's look towards me when he turns arouns and realizes that I am recording him is PRICELESS. It looks like "What the hell is going on here? What do you think you are doing?" LOL.

Daddy time

Sesame Street

I am so enamoured with Sesame Street. I have come to appreciate it in a whole new way. My 3 month old son LOVES Sesame Street. I am sure it the colors and the music and voices. He has no idea what's going on, but he LOVES it. He smiles and dances and laughs (yes, laughs, its amazing) and he LOVES Cookie Monster. It is good though cuz we can play and dance and it gets him nice and tired for his nap at 11. But I have a new respect because it is designed to appeal to all children. Its ingenious, that Sesame Street.

Oh, what a day. Last night I couldnt get to sleep so I was up half the night. And Hayden has been crabby lately. I am starting to think his toofers are starting to come in cuz he isnt really taking very good nap, his gums are all red and he doesnt eat a whole lot at each feeding. But then again, he might not be feeling well in general. He doesnt want to sleep in his swing, he wants to be held, so I am thinking he has a little bug or he is starting to cut teeth. Either way the next couple days will be fun!

More Videos

Shadows

There are things that happen to us in our past, things that find their way into your present, no matter how you try to hide from them. I have spent years trying to stay away from the past... things I never thought I would have to face, things that are leaking into my path like haunting shadow, overwhelming me. I cant face them, I cant grasp them, and that makes me hate them even more. And as that hate spreads as the shadow looms larger... How do I escape the shadow? Something that I am scared of... something I am ashamed of... I need to hide... But I need to hide in the light, where the shadows cant overwhelm me.

Some more videos

I didnt realize how I was holding the camera, but I figured it out eventally.

3 months

We went and got Hayden's 3 month pictures done at Sears. He did a really good job till the end when we were doing the family pictures and he was getting hungry. But there are a few good ones. I wish I had thought about the fact that my hair hasnt been colored since December so I have some nice dual colors going. You cant even say that they're roots cuz its like 4 inches of grow out. Oh, well, next time for the 6 month pictures I will be more cognizant of it. But here is a taste...

This one of just Hayden we got the package of so I will be sending out small ones of this one, and I got it for the big 10x13. I just love it, it is just so him.

You want wriggling? :)

Hayden is becoming VERY aware of the camera so if he is smiling and talking and I pull out the camera, he knows. He stops what he is doing to study the camera. but this is more Tummy Time.

Simple Enough

I was standing in line at the BX yesterday before I headed in to work and there was this couple and their two boys in front of me. One of the boys, probably 6 or 7, points out a magazine cover featuring the "pregnant Man" and "his" daughter. Here coming the question I am not looking forward to explaining (not necessarily THIS question, but this type) "How does a boy have a baby?" So the mom goes ahead and explains that the "man" is a girl living as a man. I can tell that the older boy (maybe like 10) understands but the younger one doesn't get it. "How is a girl living like a boy?" The mom goes on to explain (impatiently, characteristic of an Army wife) about hormones and testosterone and such. The dad is desperately trying to NOT have this conversation in the line at the BX with the lady behind them listening and smiling (laughing to herself) So to nix the question in the bud dad says, "She does everything like a boy but stand up to pee." End of conversation, but I actually laughed out loud that time cuz the declaration of this simple difference between what it is to be a boy and to be a girl was enough to satiate the curiosity of this boy. The "man" who was a girl, lived just like a man, except "he" had to sit down to pee. Simple enough.

I feel much better having talked to Julie about the sleeping and crib transition situation. I had a good idea about what I wanted to do and how to do it, but was being overwhelmed with information, so to have her tell me basically the same thing I was already thinking has calmed me considerably. Not to say that I am comfortable leaving Hayden to cry, but I know that I am ok NOT doing it quite yet... so that also makes me feel better. I know this wont be super easy, but I feel more confident about it. AND I left the boys alone today and went to work for a couple hours at the commissary. They seemed to survive all right without me.

Crying

So I thought we would try to have Hayden sleep in his crib last night. I convinced (sort of) myself that it was time... so I sat there and listened to him cry... while I cried. I just don't think I can do this. I decided we weren't ready. Maybe I decided I wasn't ready. Which ever is the case...He didn't cry for THAT long. Maybe ten minutes and then he fell asleep for about an hour and then he woke up again and didn't seem to be at all tired anymore. So we laid in the big bed and fell asleep. I just cant listen to him cry. Even if everything says that its the best way to do it, I just don't think I agree... or rather I don't think I can stand to hear him crying. I just feel like he is going to think that I abandoned him in this scary, dark room. I don't want him to ever think that I abandoned him. And I know that regardless, he wont remember going through this transition. I realize its my own fears and memories that I have to contend with. I just have to remember that he wont remember this. Its for his own good (cant have a 5 year old sleeping in our bed every night) and that its this hard for everyone who decides to transition from the big bed to the crib....

Decisions

Its time to make the decision that I was hoping I would be able to put off forever. Everyday my body returns more and more back to normal. "Normal" for me is exhausted and no sense of balance... So I have to decide between continuing to breastfeed Hayden and give him the best developmental nutrition that I can, and going back on my meds. I guess a large part of me hoped that by having Hayden would make me better. Foolish I know, but it was a hope that held me up for a while. I can't ignore that everytime I start upstairs I teeter like a weeble-wobble. And I know that with every misstep on the stair, every tired, over worked muscle, everyday I ignore what my body is telling me, is one more step towards a future that I don't want and never asked for. So now I have to decide between what I know to be the best for Hayden and what I know is the best for me, and for the first time I don't know what to do. Do I sacrifice Hayden's health and development for my own? How can I bring myself to do that? Except then I tell myself that if I want any kind of decent future with my son I need to do what I know I have to in order to ensure that I will be the best mommy I can be... I wish this day hadn't come. I knew i would. I knew the risks before we got pregnant, but I wouldn't change our decision for anything in this world. If having Hayden means that someday I wont be able to walk, it is a sacrifice I will make 1000 times again. I don't know... I mean I know that there are LOTS of babies who aren't breastfed and they are fine... But they hammer it into your head how important it is for you to breastfeed, and while that was made me suffer through those first weeks when I thought I would pass out from the pain, but it is also what makes me feel ridiculously guilty for stopping. But Hayden has been having formula for a couple months now, but it hasn't been his sole source of nutrition. This sucks.

Mommy milestones

Oh, its so nice to have Matthew home. We've just been hanging out, cleaning the house. Getting things done that we have been putting off. So he is home and everything is fine. I didn't realize that I didn't update that he is home now. I guess I am headed back to work this week. Matthew is going to watch Hayden during the afternoon/evenings. So I am dealing with that. I feel better about leaving him with Matthew, but I have a feeling I am going to get a lot of phone calls and questions...which is fine. And it'll be good for him, he needs to learn and spend time with Hayden. And that's good. But now he wants to go to a concert at the state fair, and I have to leave him with a babysitter. And I have some friend who I would rust with him, not many, but a few. But I am not going to be able to have fun because I am going to be worried about him the whole time. Mommy has milestones too.

why am I surprised that he wont be home today? I shouldnt ever be surprised when something happens that will disappoint me.

New Formula

I decided to change Hayden's formula from the original Lipil to the A.R. Lipil to hopefully cut down on how much he spits up. It has made a Big difference. He still spits up, but not NEARLY as much as he was. and he seems to even keep BM down better too. the only thing that sucks is that the cans are smaller and more expensive. Good thing its not his main source of nutrition! But I feel much better knowing that he is keeping everything down. and I can tell he is getting bigger. I think his next weigh in will be drastically different. I just wasn't comfortable with 25%. Is that bad of me? I mean I don't want him to be a chunker, but he just wasn't growing very much. And his crookedness is going away. He had his bulge on his left side, like all of his organs and innards were in a ball on his left side, but it seems to be evening out now.

After his visit with Santa...

I miss my husband so much, its making my stomach hurt.

Rolling over

This is the best footage I could get right now. He does it at random times and I dont always have the camera ready. But he does it right at the beginning. Like I said, its not the best, but its the best I have right now. I will try to get better footage. He almost did the back to front roll today on the changing table. Freaked me out cuz I wasnt expecting it... Anyway, here is Hayden rolling over.

Delayed Video

This is the video I was saving just in case there wasnt a Picture Thursday this week.

We had a lot of fun. Fairbanks is a hole, if anyone ever wondered. I had never been there before, and once is enough. But we had a barbecue on Saturday and they slow cooked brisket. It was SO good. And then we went to see Santa at North Pole. We have an AWESOME Christmas picture for this year's card. There were SO many ornaments to choose from, it was overwhelming. But I got Hayden a copy of Night Before Christmas. I thought it would be a cool heirloom for him. I am going to put the picture of him and Santa in the front cover. The North Pole Pizza Hut is a pretty hopping place, it took 2 hours but the pizza was really good. The crust was kinda sweet... very good. Hayden was so good in the car. He slept most of the time. We only had to stop once. Oh, and he rolled over! On Friday he figured out how to roll over from front to back. He hasn't figured out the back to front roll yet, but he has fun rolling now. so Tummy Time consists of rolling over and sucking on our fists. Very productive. He loves sucking on his fists now. Um., lets see what else? Matthew got some pretty cool pictures on his Incentive Ride. I am going to send everything out on Thursday. I probably wont separate out the Hayden pics from the Fairbanks pics. It seems like a lot of work... not that I have a lot to do till Matthew gets home on Friday. Ok, Hayden is asleep so I am going to finally eat something and take a nap myself. I have been up since 3:30 this morning. I was having bad dreams about driving back.

We're back. We have some great pictures for you. But you'll have to wait!

Yay.

We are going to go visit Daddy. We have a room on base, and the smokes-alot neighbors are gonna keep an eye on our house. So the challenge becomes a 6 hour drive with Hayden. I'm sure he will be fine. We wont be in any hurry so I am not too concerned. He'll probably end up sleeping the whole time anyway. So we'll have some fun pictures for next Picture Thursday/Mommy's birthday. This trip is my present to myself. And mom and dad's present to me :).

Bathtime

Yay, we finally like baths! Now we can play in the water more often.

So my son, who felt he didn't need to take a nap, decided he also didn't need to sleep. Again, not being cranky or crying, just not falling asleep. So we headed up to bed at 8:30, called daddy, ate on both sides...FINALLY, around 10:40 he starts to fall asleep. He was hovering right on the brink and about to fall over and that's when the cigarette smoke started blowing into the window, so I had to gt up and switch the fan to exhaust. Which of course, wakes Hayden up. I was so pissed. two hours and ten minutes down the drain because SOMEONE has to go out and smoke at 11 at night. So I wait and switch the fan back and go back to bed and turn Friends back on and started over. This time, it only took about an hour and sure enough, here comes the smoke again. I mean you have GOT to be kidding me. SO I got up again and did the same thing, luckily Hayden fell asleep and stayed asleep that time. I was so pissed I yelled out the window, I don't remember exactly what I said but something about it being midnight and every time they light up that cigarette the smoke blows into my house and my baby has to breathe it. But I know it was a lot more colorful than that. I may have sparked a neighbor war, but oh well. Actually, I may have just added fuel to the fire because the neighbors on either side of us don't like each other. The ones on the left side slams the door between the garage and the entry way so hard that the people on the right side can hear it. And I guess they went over and yelled at them. But I can tell you that it didn't make any difference. So they have been arguing back and forth. And we hate both of them for multiple reasons but the big one is the smoking. Less than two hundred days... I cant wait to live next to grown ups. Like Matthew said the military is like high school. And the people act like high schoolers, the maturity level is the same. No consideration for the people around them. I am so sick of it. We are hoping that when we move back, our neighbors will be quiet, old people.

Naps

We have apparently decided that we don't need a nap today. Hayden has slept a total of 30 minutes today. He isn't cranky, but he isn't really happy either. He's not crying or anything. I guess we'll be going to bed early tonight! He isn't even falling asleep in the swing, which is VERY strange. He is just sitting and swinging and whining once and a while when he realizes that his Binkie isn't in his mouth anymore. SO I go over and put it BACK in his mouth, he spits it out and laughs. And then whines till I give it back to him, then he leaves in in for a bit till he spits it out all over again. Fun game, lemme tell ya. I've even tried playing with him. His has been on his tummy mat, and I got him these little buggy toys that Velcro to the handle of the car seat or whatever and each one make a different noise... anyway we had fun with those for a while and then back on the mat and we did a lot of push ups and A LOT of standing. I cant believe that he isn't exhausted by now. AND he has completely eaten me dry PLUS we have gone through about 12 ounces of formula. This has been a VERY odd day, not his regular routine at all. Hopefully its just a fluke, this no nap thing. He needs to get some sleep during the day. I just cant believe the swing isn't cutting it right now.

I am so bored. I don't understand why it makes such a difference that Matthew isn't here. I mean he isn't here during the day anyway, or if he is, he's sleeping. So why is is it that because he is gone, I am so bored. Probably because I know that he isn't here, and he isn't going to BE here. He isn't waking up, or coming home. I still really ant to go up to Fairbanks this weekend. I was just so hopped up on doing it, I would rather have decided against going for myself (which I probably would have done), but since I CANT go, it make me REALLY want to go. And its not that I CANT go, its just that its more difficult. And we are going to go up later. Like next month or so. Matthew gets 3 CTO days (days off that don't count against his leave) because he won the Load Comp. Anyway, I am just bored. Mom is right I need a project. I do have all of those cards from the card shower and Hayden's birth to put into a scrapbook. I just need to get some glue. I also need to find an outfit for Hayden's 3 mo pictures... But I think I want to go to the mall the Gymboree for that. I want something really adorable. If I cant find anything I like I am going to go with the yellow and blue puppy outfit that me and Matthew love. I may do it anyway, because we love that outfit so much.

Boo.

Our trip to Fairbanks has been derailed. After I had decided to go. Instead of having his own room, and sharing a bathroom like they were supposed to, they are sharing a room. So we would have to get a hotel room either way. And so Matthew said he doesn't really want us to drive up alone. He'd rather be there with us, in case something happens. Its a long drive, through mountains. Just me and the baby. So I understand. I am still going to look for a room.

He has his incentive flight today. I am waiting to hear from him. to make sure he made it through ok. I am still waiting. I ran my errands already... and now I am feeding Hayden. Maybe I'll take a nap... anything to keep from worrying. He tells me not to worry...yeah, ok.

EDIT: Matthew called. His flight went good. He didnt black out or get sick or anything. He tried to take a lot of pictures but it was cloudy/rainy. But when there was a break in the clouds he would snap some pictures. So I am really looking forward to seeing those pictures.

Good-bye again...

Well. we dropped Matthew off again. This sucks so bad. I feel like we just picked him up from the airport. He just left less than a month ago!! I know this one is shorter (by 3 days) but it still sucks. I know I could just drive up there this weekend if I wanted to. I actually might cuz I want to go to Santa Claus' house in North Pole before we leave AK. And we are running out of summer. But a six hour drive with an infant, by myself, isn't that appealing But I really want to go to the North Pole. I just think its something that I must do just to it! So its definitely in my mind. I wouldn't even have to think about it if gas wasn't so high. But on the other hand Matthew does have free room to stay in. Its not a one day trip. Its 6 hours up there, so if the 3 of us go up later we'd have to get a room somewhere. We arent going to drive 6 hours, stay for two and turn around and drive another 6 hours back.

Edit: I LOVE our swing! and now Hayden does too. he always swang in it for awhile but only to sleep. now he is happy just chillin' listening to the music.it is so nice cuz I can get some things done. The only problemis the music. I can hear it ALL THE TIME! in the quiet of night. in the hum of the fan...I hear the music. I sometimes have to get up and check that the music is off cuz its so loud and surprisingly accurate in my head.

Last night we had a successful bath!!! No screaming, no crying. There were even a couple smiles!!! It was a very good night. AND he went to sleep at 10:30 instead of 12/1 o'clock. A good night indeed. But I am excited aout the bath. There will be pictures included in a small installment of Picture Thursday. I am kinda bummed that Matthew will have my camera. I am never without my camera and its a weird feeling. I mean just in general, what if a moose wonders into our backyard and I dont have my camera?! But this is a once in a lifetime thing for him so it trumps my "possible" moose sighting...but not by much.

Scooting

Hayden is starting to scoot around, slowly but surely. He hasnt quite figured out how to use both arms at the same time so he scoots around in a circle. But I tell you what, once he figures out that other arm, we're in trouble. We'll be going to get gates in the next couple weeks, i'm sure. But he is starting to become a little more mobile. And he likes to stand up. Today he was fussing, he didnt want to eat, or sleep, or burp, and the binky wasnt cutting it... turns out he just wanted to stand up! So I had to hold him until his little legs got too tired and then he fell asleep. Who knew? All he wanted was to stand up... So add that to the list of things to check when he is fussy.

Oh, I should mention that this video was taken a week or so ago, so its not of him actually moving, so dont get your hopes up, its just to show his arm troubles. :)

Load Crew of the Quarter

Another plaque for Matthew's wall.