Well, for all its worth the court shit is over. Today was it. So except for my charity work and my new "best friend"" I am done with that stupid woman. My no contact order is done so Matthew can go and get my stuff back from that store. I am just glad that it is, for the most part, over. Now I just have to get the nxt two years over with and I am free of that **tch forever. And I dont have to not talk to my friends anymore. I miss them. The only thing that I dont want to do is talk to Danielle or Kim too much cuz I dont want them to get into any kind of issues with Her since I know how She is and She will shit bricks if She finds out that they are still in contact with me. Cuz the way She works means that if She cuts someone out of Her life, then everyone around Her has to do the same thing. I know, cuz I've been on the other side of that. Now I just hope that She will disappear from my dreams too and then I can really move on from this. We have like only 50-some days till we go to Disney World, so I will be able to totally leave this up here and go to DW and have no worries, no concerns, no stressors, nothing. Just some good times with the mouse. I am so glad that through all of this Mat didnt touch our Disney fund, he knew how much I would need this, we would BOTH need this after all was said and done. and on top of that we will spend a few days at home, so I can see my family. Which I also REALLY need right now.

Why am I not sleep yet? Jackie is probably wondering the same thing, since I am on her night time turf, but I dont want to go disturb Matthew. He is actually sleeping, which he hasnt been doing much of lately. And I dont want to go up and wake him. But I also didnt want to go to bed at 8:30 when he did. So Now I am stuck downstairs. And I would sleep down here, but I need to stretch out more than the couch allows. And tomorrow he will just wonder why I never came upstairs, and he will then thinnk I am mad at him no matter what reason I tell him. Usually I just fall asleep watchin TV since he goes to bed earlier than I do, I dont like to have the TV on while he is trying to sleep. But when I tell him that he still thinks that I was mad at him. I just dont want to wake him. He needs to have a real night of slepp. A few actually, so he is taking some sleeping pills. We are hoping that a few good nights of sleep will help with his temper. Hopefully.

how hard do you suppose it is to make an appointment and o to the doctor? Not too hard right? Right, so how come I havent done it yet? My sinuses still hurt and I havent gone. My teeth hurt and I havent gone. My ears hurt and I havent gone. I dont know why. I better go before it gets cold and I have to work outside all the time.

I am having a new bout of homesickness. For a couple of reasons. One, all this talk about Matt gteting out early sparked my desire to go home. Though I am glad that Jim helped him realize that was not good idea. I just couldnt make him see that we couldnt afford to live up here ad right now we have no choice. And two, I have five days left. Thats it. Then I have to face the music. And I am scared. I dont know why, I guess cuz it makes all of this real. BUT on the other hand it is one step closer to putting all of this behind me and moving on with my life. I choose to see that side more than anything but the other scary side does come out once in a while. I guess its only nature for that to happen. And she is back in my dreams. I guess that has more to do with me going to see Amber and Carrie the other day, they told me some stuff about my former employer that I wish I had known a long time ago so that I could have gotten myself out of a ery bad situation a long time ago. Oh, well, they didnt know either.

One more thing to feel guilty about... No, two more things

I kinda feel like I made Matt go crazy. Now I know that he has a genetic predesposition to anxeity, but I feel like I pushed him over the edge. And He wouldnt be blowing up at work, if I hadnt made a big deal about him not taking things out on me. Now I see that he needed to vent, too and I pretty much told him dont bother me with it. I am working so hard, I wish that I could make him understand that I am making money now, and I am busting my ass for it. And though it cant happen right away, we will be ok, and we will get our debts paid. He just needs to realize that. It wont happen right away but I get more money every day that I work so it will be ok. But then if I take a day off, I just think all day about how I should be at work, making money so he can have some mental relief. But I have to take a day off once in awhile. SO I have no reason to feel guilty.

Then he decided that he wants to get out early. And if July hadnt happened, he could leave right now if they let him, but he cant because of me. I have us tied here, until my charity work is done. So I have to work three times as hard at getting that done so we can leave and still work to make money to keep him from freaking out. I just dont know what to do. Keep on keepin on I guess. There isnt anything I can do. Nothing I say helps and I work way too much again, but that isnt helping.

I do think he is glad that I have friends again. Yesterday I went and saw Amber and Carrie at their new spa. And we went to get groceries, the first time since mom and dad left, and Emily and Micki came up to me and we were chatting. I didnt even see them come up, so I feel like I have made some friends at work. And I saw Jen in the parking lot last week and we talked for awhile. And I have been talking to Rachel, Danielle, and Kim on mySpace, so really Cori is the only one i havent gotten to talk to yet.

But anyway, he has an appointment with the doctor today at 3 so maybe he will be able to get some relief, and maybe he will be able to get to sleep.

I have decided that I am going to throw the Jackies a birthday party. I am going to get her a little party hat. Heehee Heehee. She will be so adorable. I am going to make her a little kitty cake... I have gone off the deep end havent I? Eh, I will just have to enjoy the swim. And Jackie's party!!!!

I had the best dream last night. I havent really been sleeping all that well the last month so I dont really think I had been doing much draming, but last night's was great. We were at these people's house, and they told me that they needed help. So they led me and some other people back through these trees, and there was this temple. Like an Aztec pyramid temple. And I had to climb to the top. (I dont remember why) but the stairs were made of wood and there were like traps and things along the way. Like pits of mud and then you would look down under the stairs and there were like soldiers or guards marching around down there so if you fell they would kill you. And when you went to climb the stairs the temple would shake and try to knock you off in to the mud. And I slipped and fell into the mud but I was able to fight my way out, I felt like I was drowning in the mud. And Mandi Dusenberry was there (you will all remember her as my ex-best friend and Matthw's ex-girlfriend) She was there with me. And we got up another flight of stairs and Mandi fell into the mud. She didnt get back out, and I wasnt too upset about it cuz that meant that I would reach the top. So I ust hel on and kept climbing and I reached the top and an eagle came out of the top of the pyramid. I grabbed it around the neck and fought with it for a bit and then had to bring it back down the shaking stairs. But I did it. And then I woke up. So I dont know wy I had to do it, but I do know that I did it. Let's see what Dream Moods has to say about this one.

Pyramid
To see pyramids in your dream, signifies that many new and major changes will be occurring in a short amount of time. It is a symbol of longevity, stability, and a firm foundation.

To dream that you are climbing a pyramid, denotes that you will wander aimlessly for awhile before finding the gratification of your desires.

Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It suggests that you are going into your unconscious. It also refers to setbacks that you will experience in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it suggests that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging.

Mud
To see mud in your dream, suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some internal cleansing is needed.

To dream that you are walking in mud, suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship.

Guard
To see an armed guard in your dream, represents rational thinking. You are being cautious and practical

Ex (friend, in this case, I will replace words with the word friend)
To dream about your ex-(friend) suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex (friend). The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake.

Eagles
To see an eagle in your dream, symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage, and powerful intellectual ability. Eagles also indicate self-renewal. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

So did you see what I saw? Yeah. I love dreams.

It seems odd to enjoy your job. It has been awhile since I have enjoyed working. But I suppose when you get paid well, its easier to go. I know it keeps me there. I can come and go as I please but I always end up staying till close just to make that extra $10. Why not? I ask myself. Its ten more dollars than you have right now. And that is exactly it, Its more than I came with and thats it. Expect that the other day I was helping Tom bring in some carts and I smashed my hand. The entire back of my hand is one big bruise and there is a naty bump. And of course I hit the damn thing on my cart all the time now. I need to wear padding on it so it will heal. I think I might have really hurt it. But its all good. Its ot broken and I can still work.

I got to see Jen today. I ran into her in the parking lot at the CM. It was nice to see her again. Of course she had heard about what had happened. For those of you who dont remember, Jen used to work at the store, and quit to go to Marie's. She is the salon manager over there now. She toldme that she heard the day it happened. I am so glad I am out of that industry now. SHE must have called Mitch that day (you all remember Mitch from when I first started working there) and then Mitch told Cori (who I am still friends with, she is the only one I havent tslked to about this yet) and Cori called Jen. Of course, neither one believed what they were told. I knew they wouldnt. Thay know me too well. So basically all my friends have stood by me. I knew they would and what is funny is that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has said '...you knew she was psycho! We all knew she was crazy." Every single one of them. I knew it too, I just chose to ignore it. My mistake. Oh well, I would not have left that place any other way. That is just what it took to get me out of there.

I dont know what to do. I talked to Matthew already and he gave me good advice so I dont know why I am still worrying about this, but I dont know what to do. I need to be at work as much as I can because we need theoney, so I am not able to spen as much time on my online thing. Now the CM (which is what I am calling the commissary from now on so I dont have to type it out all the time) is an immediate answer to our problem, and can help us right now. But the online thing is more about the future and developing an ongoing, residual income no matter what we do or where we go. But I have to grow it first and I cant do that like I would like because of the time difference. The main calling times for the Lower 8 are the prime hours at the CM and when I will make the most in tips. I eed to spend weekends at the CM cuz again, prime time. So Matthew says I st concentrate on the CM job as primary and on the days I decide not to work there, I do the online thing. Which makes sense. And is logical. So problem solved right? Apperantly not, because I cant stop thinking about it. Because I feel like I have to spend more time than a couple days a week on this business. So I dont know what to do. Plus there has been some problem with my application and my orders have not been going through right, and noone thought to contact me and tell me!!! But I invested so much in this, I do not want to give up. And I still hold faith that it will be worth it, but i am just wondering if it would be better in a couple years when I have more time, and I am in a normal time zone. But at the same time, if I stop now I know that in a couple yars I will regret it because I will be years behind where i could have been if I had kept up with it. So what to do? I know that it tke about three years for ANY new business to establish itself and start being truely profitable. And because I know this, I dont ant to give up, but I am afraid that one I start having to do my "Charity" work I will just go crazy with too much stuff to do. I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days. So I sit home and I worry. And I worry and I worry. And I just cant worry anymore!

My new job

I have to say that I LOVE my new job. I have so much fun, and there is NO stress. It is the PERFECT job for me right now. Everyone is SO nice and I am so happy that I have a job where I have no pressure and all I have to do is talk to people and they pay me for it. I worked 4 1/2 hours today and I made over $80. I averaged $20 an hour and I didnt have to worry about babysitting any employees, or price prolems, or orders, or bosses. I just talk to people and bag their groceries and they pay me and they pay me well. I am SOOOOO happy. This is the happiest I have been in a long time. Even before all this shit happened. Cuz it has made me see how EXTREMELY unhappy I was at that store. Cuz I was NOT happy. And I didnt like the person I was when I worked there. I was a bitc working there. I was a snob. And most of all I was unhappy. Now I have found something that I can really enjoy. And I do.

I went to work today. It was pretty ok. The people are nice. Of course, there are always those people who are snotty and stupid, but for the most part tey are all good. My back is going to hurt for a couple of weeks, cuz I havent used those muscles for a while. But I'll be fine. I just have to plan out my time, I am not so good with the time management skills. But with my "charity" work, my online thing and the commissary, I will have to learn how to schedule my time or else I will lose my sanity! It will be like goin to school and workin full time. But my "charity" work wont be forever. And As soon as I get that done I will be able to spend more itme on the other two. Matthew says he is expecting me to go into my work mode again, which means I am going back to being a workaholic. Which in this case, is will be good for us. At least for awhile. I really do feel like I am moving on with my life. And my mom will be happy to know that I am having social contact again. Now I just need to remove the negativity from my brain and I will be back to a normal person, well, relative to how normal I was before all of this! But it is nice to talk to people again. I think that is what I am going to like about this, is that all I have to do is walk out to people's car with them and make conversation. Which I like to do so no problem. Tom says that they get people in there and they cant do the job, and I just wonder why. They must not have ever had a job before or something, cuz its not that hard. Just be consderate to fellow baggers and talk to customers. No biggie. Anyway, I thought I would let you know how things were going. I think I am going to do well. And I want to help Matthew. I want to get back to having conversations that arent revolving aroung money. I miss those days. What did we talk about before we were struggling to keep our heads above water? What did he used to ask me about instead of how much money was on our credit card? I dont remember. I hope we can find something to talk about. I almost want to avoid him sometimes cuz money is all we talk about. I am well aware that we dont have much of it, so please stop reminding me. I start feeling guilty after awhile, and then I get upset with him, so I avoid him, but I am REALLY trying to keep that under comtrol cuz I DO NOT want to do that! BUT silverlining is that I am DOING something about it, and I am helping out again. So hopefully he will be able to stop freaking out. And I have a job now so I can just go to work when he starts bugging me!

Oh, sidenote: Have you seen the advertisements for the new appetizers at TGI Fridays? Fried Green Beans? I love Fridays, but really?

RIP: Crocodile Hunter

This man will truely be missed, by his fans, by his animals, and by the world. Rest in peace Crocodile Hunter. Thank you for teaching us and for entertaining us. The world over.


http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1531424,00.html

Steve Irwin, host of the Animal Planet series The Crocodile Hunter, was killed Monday during a diving expedition off the coast of Australia, the country's Queensland Police Service confirms.

Irwin, 44, was stung by a stingray while filming a documentary at Batt Reef, Low Isle off Port Douglas at about 11:00 a.m. According to a police statement, "his crew called for medical treatment and the Emergency Management Queensland Helicopter responded; however, Mr. Irwin had died." Stingrays have poisonous barbs on their tails. John Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time, told the Associated Press that Irwin "came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart." Stainton said Irwin had been filming a segment for a series called Ocean's Deadliest.

Irwin leaves behind his American-born wife Terri, 42, daughter Bindi, 8, and son Bob, 2.

A tireless wildlife advocate, Irwin's career was not without controversy: In July 2004 he was cleared of charges that he got too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary, and in January of that year enraged child welfare groups by holding son Bob, then 1 month old, while feeding a crocodile.

In 1992, the year The Crocodile Hunter first began airing, Terri Irwin told PEOPLE of her husband, "The thing that attracts me to him is that passion he has for what he does. The animals have no capacity to return Steve's affection. In fact, all they want to do is kill him." Irwin himself admitted, "I realize that one mistake and I could be dead, but I've had a lot of experience and mostly I know when there's danger."

IN life there are always those people who will expect you to fail. No matter what you do, or say they will always expect you to fail. They are the people to have to overcome to be successful at whatever it is you are trying to do. Ad it doesnt really matter what you envdeavour is, their expectatios are the same. And it is their voice that resounds in your head, louder then all the encouragment you recieve. It is this voice you can hear, always. But the real problem arises when this voice is no longer that of someone else, but it has in fact become YOUR OWN voice. When it is someone else's you can ignore it, they dont know you, they dont know what you can do, they underestimate you. But when you listen closely to what the are saying you realize it is not a foreign voice telling you to give up, it is your own voice telling you. Betraying you. And it becomes all the more difficult to shut it out. Afterall, who knows you better than yourself? If your own voice is saying, give up, how are you supposed to quiet it. Quiet your own voice. The voices in your head. That keep you up at nght. That hold you back and make you scared. How do you quiet those voices? Sometimes it is all that keeps you going, but sometimes is is the one thing that can undo everything you have worked to overcome. Sometimes it is what keeps you on your feet, and sometimes you fight bak against the poison that your own voice is spewing.

Today the tremors arent as bad as yesterday but today, there are added sensations in my pinkie and fore fingers. I cant really explain it, it isnt numb, cuz I can still feel stuf, but it is like it isnt there, and yet it hurts at the same time. Kinda like when you hand falls aleep, and it waking up, but still kinda tingly. Thats the best way I can describe it to someone who cant feel it. I'll give it a few more days. I dont know if it is in my shoulder or its something I shoud be more concerned about it. But I dont know how I am going to be able to tell. I would go get my shoulder worked on, but we dont have extra money to do it, but I dont want to go to the doctor if it nothing. Matthw doesnt really know what to do when he rubs my back, I mean he tries and it feels good but there are no real results. I am wondering if its my shoulder more cuz mom worked on it when she was here and it kinda helped but its back. Of course it never totally went away. oh well. If i lose more fingers, I'l get more serious about persuing a solution.

Damn Tremors!

Today is bad tremor day. It has been a long time since I have had ne of these days. It is a costant reminder of those days to come. I cant hold n the my silerware, which sucks cuz Matt wants pancakes today. That was a challenge. It took three tries to get signed n to MySpace so if my typing is worse than usual, I apologize. But I try to take advantage of days like this to do more of what I usually do just to try to prepare myself for those times when this lasts longer than just a day. Those thoughts scare me. I have been so fortunate that my MS has not flared up ore than it has. And when it does, it is relatively mild. I havent had a major relapse since 98 when I went blind. Otherwise it mainly numbness and tremor, which I can deal with. I will just need a sippy cup so I dont slip on myself! B ut I have to ay I am doing pretty well with the typing. It is taking me twice as lond cuz I am hitting twice as many keys and have to go back and fix it... Anyway, I am going to go try to make a sandwich or something. Yay, oh the fun!