Mommy reports in...

So while I have a moment to myself, I thought I would check in. Hayden is laying content and wide awake next to me. Fully fed and bone dry. I am just watching him, and I cant believe that this little angel is mine. I look at him and I see the best of me. The best of Matthew joined together to make this beautiful, perfect little person. And when I have him on my chest, just sleeping, I can barely believe that a week ago he was inside my tummy (sometimes, I cant believe he fit!) not to mention how I managed to get him OUT. I think that is a miracle in and of itself. It makes you truly realize that awesome power of God, to know that he could create a love that can be so pure, and so strong. I am still really in awe. Like he isn't really mine, and someone is going to come and take him away from me. Oop, hold on while I take a break, we have another poopy.

Ok, make that two poopies. So I guess I will do my best to let you know how it was. I don't remember. And that is the truth. I blocked a lot of it out of my head. I believe that's how women are able to do it more than once. I was convinced that I couldn't do it at one point. I believe it was around the head or shoulder time. But I had been pushing for four hours by that time and I was tired. But it was all worth it. He is worth not being able to sit down or walk like a normal person. He is worth the bleeding and the soreness. When I look at his face all of those hours of pain disappear and all I see is him. And it has been so hard at times. And so frustrating, but I know that we are all learning together and I am able to keep my cool. Even with Matthew. But he is doing so good. He gets me what I need. He changes diapers. He cooks and cleans. He stays up with Hayden so I can get some sleep. I am going to miss having him around next week. And I almost cry when I see him holding Hayden. Playing with him. Sleeping with him.

Today is our 8 year anniversary. And 8 years ago, I NEVER would have imagined that the boy who went to my senior prom with me would become the man who completes my life in a way I never knew was possible. Would become the man that I would love be the with every ounce of my being. Would become the father of my child.

oh and or those of you who keep asking, I have lost 33 pounds.

False Alarm.

They sent us home. I guess I got caught up in all the excitement. I don't really think I believed that it was time to go. I think I WANTED it to be time. I wanted it so much, that when we got home I cried for close to 30 minutes. I just felt like I had let everyone down. Matthew was so sweet, trying to make me feel better, he did a good job, but most of all, I disappointed myself. If I want to look on the bright side, at least I know what is going on now (FYI: NOTHING). No, that's not true. I now know that I am timing my contractions correctly. I am 2 -3 minutes apart. I am just not in enough pain, according to the nurse. She does believe that I am in early labor and its still going to be sometime this week, but probably more towards the end of the week. I am just supposed to keep drinking lots of fluids and going on our walks. And basically just wait around for the pain to come. They said that they could keep me at the hospital, but I would be more comfortable at home. So home I am. Still terribly disappointed. I am having more pain though. My back hurts like the beginning of kidney stones (Amanda knows that dull ache...) So I suppose its the precursor to what is to come. That's ok. Bring it. Bring it on I am so ready for this its starting to piss me off. Which is ok, cuz the more mad I am the better I handle the pain. Maybe its my body's way of preparing me. Making me wait to piss me off. I don't know. I am so tied of waiting. Where is my son?!?

Its time.

We are headed to the hospital. The next time you hear from me, I will have my son. Keep us in your prayers. We love you all.

Nope, no baby yet

Contractions are holding steady at 8 minutes apart. They are starting to hurt now. I have still had menstrual cramps that have hurt worse, so its not so bad yet, but it is getting progressively worse so that's good. Our bets are on Tuesday for being admitted. And relax, people, we WILL call you with any changes. We promise. FYI: we are relying on the Grandparents' Hotline here, so we don't have to make 80 zillion calls. So if you want the latest news call a grandparent.

So much going on!

I have had the best past few days. I am having a mail service baby shower, with gifts and cards and so much love, it is overwhelming. You know when you are separated from your home, it can be easy to forget all the people who love and support you, not just your family cuz I could never forget them, but just ALL the people. Its been a lot of fun cuz everyday there is a surprise waiting for us to open.

And yesterday was the biggest surprise of them all. I had my 38 week appointment and they asked me if I wanted to be checked and stripped, if possible. I'm like, "oh yeah, Lets get this show on the road!" So when they checked me I was over 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced. 90%!!!! I was SO not expecting that! I thought one MAYBE two cm, and to be really thick still. Nope, we are well on our way to having a baby. My midwife is expecting it to be sometime this week. THIS WEEK! So we are doing everything we can to help the process along, all though it seems we didn't really need to do much cuz I got pretty far on my own. I went ahead and had my membranes stripped, Lord did that hurt! I know, I know, the worst part is still to come, I get that, but I wasn't really expecting it to be that uncomfortable, so I didn't really prepare myself for it, you know? So we are going to go walk around the mall today since we need to pickup a few last minute things, and get some food to put in Matthew's hospital bag. I need to finish packing my bag too. I till don't know what to use as a focal point. I guess I'll just grab a couple things and use whatever works!

And then I was at work yesterday and Diana called and asked if I wanted to come to her house for a late supper and go through some stuff to see if I wanted anything. So I was like, sure, why not? So Matthew is like he'll go too. So we drove over there and they had thrown me a surprise baby shower!!! Just for me. I was so surprised I had NO idea. I had so much fun. We played stupid baby games and ate a bunch of food and talked and it was the best baby shower. I just thought that the card shower was my shower. And I wont lie, I was disappointed I wouldn't get my shower at church... Like I was missing out, but I wasn't cuz I got my shower anyway. There weren't many people there, but that so doesn't even matter to me, it was love, just all love, and I needed that. Even Matthew had fun playing with Harry, Diana's little Yorkie. He is only 5 lbs and it is so funny to watch him run around on his little legs. And yes, they took lots of pictures and I will get them up on Kodak as soon as I get them from Gene. We didn't get home to bed until midnight. We were so wiped out. Probably why we were in bed until 10 this morning!!!

So that's about it. I am working on my thank yous. I want to get as many done as I can before its baby time. Its almost baby time people!!!!

38 Weeks

Your pregnancy: 38 weeks

How your baby's growing:Your baby has really plumped up. He weighs about 6.8 pounds and he's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). He has a firm grasp, which you'll soon be able to test when you hold his hand for the first time! His organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb.Wondering what color your baby's eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If he's born with brown eyes, they'll likely stay brown. If he's born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time he's 9 months old. That's because a child's irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after he's born, but they usually won't get "lighter" or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.)

3 am

I had to force myself back to sleep last night when the sudden urge to get up and do EVERYTHING. I had laundry to put away, house to clean, car to clean... And I was just overwhelmed by these things that had to be done. Yes, I know this is the n-word, and that's a good sign, but I am TIRED!!!! How am I supposed to get all of this done f I am up all night thinking about it and not sleeping? Anyway, I may have more time than I thought, since Marie and Mary thought yesterday was my last day, not Saturday. I am going in today anyway, so we will see what they do, if they send me home or what. If they do, I know what I will be doing. I really kinda doubt that they will, but I am 50/50 on both sides. I know I should keep working to make that much more money for when I CANT work, but at the same time, I am so uncomfortable and miserable and there isn't much there for me to do, I am pretty ok with staying at home and getting things cleaned. Especially since tomorrow and Friday will be half days anyway... No, I'll still go. I know that I need to, and I know Matthew would want me to. Maybe I just wont go on Saturday. I can do without a full day on my feet, they get so swollen anyway. If I sit for too long, they swell, if I stand for too long they swell... I cant bend over so I cant get product off the bottom shelf, or help put product away cuz they put the boxes on the floor... I think I am trying too hard to talk myself OUT of going to work. But if I really think about it, that is stupid cuz there isn't anything TO DO, so I am being paid to do meaningless crap all day, easy way to make some extra money, so I will go. It also ensures that I am moving around and walking, and if I stay home, I will be less likely to do that. I mean I have to be honest with myself here, i I stay home, I wont go on a walk I will get my stuff done and then I will sit around and wait until I go crazy with the waiting. And I think that I am crazy enough.

I think I have had a pretty productive weekend. I am feeling a little more comfortable with the thought that he could be here any day now. (With the help of G & G Rosie!!!) Matthew moved out of Hayden's room. We got the room almost all decorated and rearranged, I still have some things to hang up. I am geting the rest of his stuf washed. My bag is pretty much packed except for snacks and the camera. But I feel a little more ready. I have a clean, kitty free place for him to sleep. I tell you what, we were NOT happy with Jackie yesterday cuz we had to put a crib tent up and it was a pain in the arse! And that is an understatment! It looks really stupid and ruins the ambiance but it keeps her out and that is what matters. And it works. I have also got all of my Birth Announcments addressed. So i just have to fill in the date/weight/length and get stamps. Oh yeah, stamps are going up. When is that happening? I better wait to get them stamped till the increase happens, otherwise I will need to go out and get 1 cent stamps anyway. What else? Um, I am having more and more contractions, and some of them are starting to hurt. Not all of them, but the big ones do hurt. My last day work is Saturday. I am ready. My feet are pretty swollen if I dont keep them elevated for awhile and that is hard to do at work so I am going to be wearing slippers to work this week cuz my shoes dont fit when my feet are that swollen. Its funny because I am the most miserable I have been this whole time (which isnt really THAT bad I am just uncomfortable) and people are asking me how much time I have left and similar questions and when I say about two weeks no one can believe it. They all tell me "Really? You dont look big enough." Um, ok, thanks? what am I supposed to look like? Trust me, its two weeks. Maybe its because I havent gained 30 pounds like a lot of people, so they just expected more, I dont know. It just seems like a weird response, doesnt it? I dont know, maybe its what people always say to preggo people at the end, whatever, I thought it was weird so I thought I would mention it, cuz it has been SEVERAL people's response.

37 weeks

Your pregnancy: 37 weeks

How your baby's growing:Congratulations — your baby is full term! This means that if your baby arrives now, his lungs should be fully mature and ready to adjust to life outside the womb, even though your due date is still three weeks away.Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if your baby's hair isn't the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

Here are some things that may happen in the weeks or days before labor starts

• Your baby drops. If this is your first pregnancy, you may feel what's known as "lightening" a few weeks before labor starts as your baby descends lower into your pelvis. You might detect a heaviness in your pelvis as this happens and notice less pressure just below your ribcage, making it easier to catch your breath.

• You note an uptick in Braxton Hicks contractions. More frequent and intense Braxton Hicks contractions can signal pre-labor, during which your cervix ripens and the stage is set for true labor. Some women experience a crampy, menstrual-like feeling during this time.

• You pass your mucus plug. The mucus plug is the small amount of thickened mucus that blocks the cervical canal leading to your uterus. The plug may come out all at once in a lump, or as increased vaginal discharge over the course of several days. The mucus may be tinged with blood (which may be brown, pink, or red), in which case it may be referred to as "bloody show."

• Your water breaks. Most women start having regular contractions sometime before their water breaks, but in some cases, the water breaks first. When this happens, labor usually follows soon. (If contractions don't start promptly on their own, you'll be induced.) Whether the amniotic fluid comes out in a large gush or a small trickle, call your doctor or midwife.

I included the second part because I am having or have had 3 of the four. I have highlighted the three in blue. We are getting close people, and I am having some "oh, shit" moments cuz his room isn't ready, not all of his clothes are washed and I haven't even gotten him a little coat yet!!! Having a freak out day today since this morning I lost my plug. I know it could still be a little while, but the process is set in motion. It has begun. And I still have 3 weeks.

yesterday we went to our Childbirth Preparedness class. I am glad that Matthew was able to go. I was doing just fine until she showed the pictures of the baby's head crowning. I mean I know what HAS to happen, I just don't want to SEE it! And the nurse who did the class also did a Breastfeeding class too, so I was happy about that. We have another one next Thursday that is more about after you bring the baby home, and I think Matthew will really benefit from that one, and I am looking forward to learning something too. But as I said before, the only thing I am scared of, right now, is having to go #2 AFTER the baby comes. the thought paralyzes me!!!! So anyway, that is your update. I have only had two contractions today and neither one hurt, so I know I still have some time. But it kinda makes everything seem real, you know? I have been so disconnected from the labor/delivery part because it was so far off in the future, but this just smacks you right in the face and says, "hi, I'm here, its time. Wake up!" I'll, of course, keep you updated.

How do you comfort someone when they are 3600 miles away? How do you put aside your broken heart to help heal theirs? How do you put aside your disappointment to assure them that no matter what you will always love them That you you will never judge them by their mistakes... it only matters what you do AFTER you make the mistake. I guess that is what it means to be family, even if its not by blood. I just hope they can take away the lesson, the reason why this happened. The purpose. When I went through the darkest time in my life I kept telling myself that it was for a reason. I know that there is a reason. I hope that it leads to a life change, and a better acceptance of who they are and their unlimited potential, if they could only see what I see. And as hard as it will be, for awhile, to look at them self and NOT see this mistake... because for awhile, that will be what will happen, I know I saw it in myself, and I didn't even do the thing I saw, I just hope they can look past it, and move on. Never forget the lesson, but to move on and not carry it with them.

36.5 weeks

Does this shirt make me look bigger?

Nope, not the shirt...LOL.

Appointment

I had another appointment on Friday. All is going good. They only had to take my blood pressure once this time, which is good. We are progressing nicely. I measure "perfectly" according to my midwife, who's first name escapes me at the moment. I am ridiculously uncomfortable. He has dropped and yet the way he is laying his legs and butt are still stretching out my rib cage so I cant take deep breaths, or laugh, or cough or sneeze without being in pain. Its a magical time, I tell you what. But we are right on schedule so God willing, we wont go too far over, but from what I have heard the hospital doesn't like you to go too far over either, so they start stripping your membranes at your 38 week appointment. I heard that its is EXTREMELY pleasant... Anyway, Not much to update, really just more of the same. Just trying to hang in there till the end. This is the LONGEST 4 weeks ever!!!

here's why i need to keep my mouth shut. instead of hiring a new person, they fired someone. so i am back out on the floor. bullshit. all of this. i wish these two weeks would go by faster. i need to get out of this store. mary is getting better at accommodating me when she can but no one else is really. i am just done. i hurt so badly, and i think i am getting a cold or something. i am going to the doctor tomorrow so i will see what she says about it, and if she will give me a note or something that says i need to be able to get off my feet during the day. otherwise its 8 hours on my feet behind a counter. and i cant do that. plus hayden has dropped and i HAVE to go pee. when the urge comes i HAVE to be able to go, otherwise i'll be going home to change. and i have to calm down because the more i get worked up, the more contractions i have. if i am not careful i am going to stress myself into a premature labor.

36 weeks

Your pregnancy: 36 weeks

How your baby's growing:Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement.At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she's in a head-down position. But if she isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying she'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

Replacements

One of the things that is really bothering me about this whole work situation (and I am not entirely trying to sound arrogant on purpose, only kinda) is that I feel like these people are too dependant on me. They just expect me to be there, to cover shifts, and stay late and mix mistakes. I cant do that anymore, and they need to get it through their head that I have two weeks. 2. and they haven't even found anyone to replace me yet! And they fired another girl!!! How is that phasing me out? Seems to me that they are putting me right back into an impossible situation. On the floor. I am SERIOUSLY considering calling in on Saturday just to prove my point. I'll tell them I am having contractions and went to the hospital. I feel bad putting the other girls in a bad situation, but they need to understand that this is what is going to happen if they don't get their asses in gear and find someone to replace me. I am not going to be out on the floor all day long. And I will be having a note form my doctor on Friday that says the same thing. I am so sick of being taken advantage of. Its time I do some of the taking!