Do you know what is is to be completely alone when your wolrd falls out of your control? Its the knowledge that people people colest to you are 3600 miles away. It knowing that a part of your family is dying and you will never see them again. Its being outside andf not be able to breathe and finding no one there to help you. No one to taking you in their arms and remind you what you love. It having faint memories of your past life and clinging so hard to them that they are leaking through your fingers, and along with the only thing that keeps you from foalling into despair. Its they desprate desire to protect the ones you love from pain and being no where near them. Its waking from a nightmare with tears stills wet on your face to a cold dark empty house in a land where you have no real friends. Its trying to be brave but in the end knowing that you are going to die anyway so whats the point? How long has it been since I have felt this way. This cold. This empty.

In the last 20 days I have worked, 18 of them. That is kinda depressing. Not bad per say, since I am going to miss a week, but depressing nonetheless. BUT I have managed to get my house clean so on Saturady all I have to do is tidy, get beds assembled and give the Jackers a bath. Cant have a smelly kitty with guests over. And I was still able to assemble a little surprise for Matthew for when he gets home. He is frustrated becasue I will not tell him the surprise, but I dont want to ruin it because I am VERY excited about it and it is very special. And I want him to have something to look forward to when he comes home so that he is not too disappointed with having to come back here.

I had a long talk witg Lew today. I knew as soon as he called what it had to do with. Since he said he needed to talk and it couldnt wait a week for when I will see him. I hope that I helped a little. I wish I could do more for him. I would so go kick some ass if I were in Iowa. You can bet on that. If not the GF then the SOB. Anyway, I have to go finish my laundry, and get to bed to bed since I have to work tomorrow. That's ok, more money to pay bills. Later.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray, I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.

Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Far away And break away


Buildings with a hundred floors,
Swingon' round revolving doors,
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But I gotta keep movin on, movin on,
Fly away, Break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.

Out of the darkness & into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

-kelly clarkson

Slowly but surely I will be ready for Amanda and Lew. I have less than two weeks now. I figure if I clean one room a day then by the time I need to be ready I can just tidy instead of clean. I should be in bed. I have to get up early to go take me truck to the shop, but I am so preoccupied with cleaning and organizing and such. Mainly to keep my mind off Matthew not being here. Its so lonely without him. And I have no one at work that I want to spend more then 32 seconds with because they are all getting on my nerves. Except Ashley. Unfortunately I will be spending most of the next 10 days there. Actually I will be there Everday except this coming Friday and next Saturaday since I have to get ready to pick everyone up at the airport. Oh well, at least I will be busy. I must go finish cleaning my bathroom now. It is so gross I dont want to do it, but I cant stand it anymore.

Matthew doesnt do bathrooms. I swear its punishment because I never did them when they were my "chore" at home. This is the universe giving me what I deserve...

And So It Begins

I alredy miss him. He will be back in two weeks but I already miss him. The house is so empty when I know he wont be coming back home. It makes my stomach hurt. like there is ten pound weight just sitting in my tummy. I miss my Matthew. Take good care of him.

Someone wants to go home to Iowa with her Daddy.

LAIDREACHT- Gaelic adjective for the strength of women. These are my adjectives:

Hazel: Strength through Loss
Evelyn: Strength in longevity
Bonnie: Strength through the inevitable
Amanda: Strength of character
Emily: Strength through...

Do you ever look around yourself and wonder. You know that the people you admire around you see you, and admire you, for things that you cant see in yourself and still feel the same way about the way you feel about them. If only we could see those things in ourselves, then maybe our low times wouldnt feel quite so low.

Two weeks from Saturday. I need to CLEAN!

This is my Madagascar cake. I get to keep the toys on it! :) 

And it has 23 candles on it 

Yes, that is all the smoke from blowing out the candles, but I did it! 

Matthew in some of his new "birthday" clothes. I like shopping for him anyway. He's so cute. 

If our sky was like this at home, we would be worried.about what was about to drop on our heads. 

Lightening hit somewhere down on the Kenai so the smoke was moving northeastish 

You'd think I was home when the sjy looks like this on one side of my house 

And look like this on the other side of my house 

It just cuts off. No clouds trailing behind. It was feirce 

We seem to get a lot of rainbows. 

I like rainbows. 

Here are some pictures of the smoke. This is, of course of the deck. It came up from Kenai. You were outside but it was like you couldnt get any fresh air. 

It got to your eyes eventually. 

it was horrible 

Go Emily, It's your Birthday...

We are officially under a smoke advisory warning. And its supposed to get worse later this afternoon. Never been under one before. Fairbanks spent all last summer under advisory. We are supposed to stay inside and limit physical activity. Thats great especially considering today is a "Forced Fun Day" at the AMU picnic and weapons (and their families) are required by their shop to go. Yippee. I was wondering why it smelled like a camp fire in our living room this morning.

OH, and I forgot to mention my SUPER awesome news! Two years ago for Christmas, mom got me this cute red and black plaid pants. Unfortummately, my hips and but were to big to fit in them, but I kept them because they were so cute and I couldnt NOT keep them. I

I wore them to work yesterday.

Next goal, the brown suede skirt Amanda got me the same year. I LOVE that skirt and I have these strappy sandals that would go so great with it. Its all about a bunch of little goals. That is what I have discovered about myself. Its not the big goal at the end. Its raching the little ones along the way. The cute pants your mom got you. The skirt you cant wait to wear. Being able to fit into the dress you wore on the first date with your husband. Looking in the mirror and thinking, my butt looks a little smaller today. ..

We utilize every inch of our store! 

This is a little more organized than the other picture. We grouped them by brand so it looks better This is the rack Coco and got in the argument about because I wanted to get is cleared out so we had room for all of this stuff, and she was getting mad at me for "intruding' on her floor. But as you can see we needed all the room we could get!

We cram them into any spot we can find. 

This rack is right as you enter the store 

It is the primary place to put them. 

In every row 

Duos on the floor 

K these are duos lining the floor on either side 

Its really a pretty color 

Salon