It still feels like I am here on a visit. I know its cuz we are staying at Mom and Dad's but I still feel like we will be packing up and going back any day now. It will be different once we get into the house and it becomes our house, and we unpack our stuff, hang our pictures on the wall... I guess it is a strange feeling...I am afraid that people wont see it as our house. Especially Matthew. I am worried that it will always be their house. But I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to come home and have it not feel like our home. When I come home I want to be comfortable, and I want the same for Matthew. But I think it will help when we get our stuff in there. I hope it will. Because I know that kind of uncomfortableness is picked up on by Hayden. And I need for him to know that is his home, otherwise he will try to sleep in my bed forever and I cant have that! It will be fine. It will all work out and we will be fine. I have faith. I have faith...

I guess I am thrown for a bigger loop because I dont feel bad that we moved from AK. I mean there will be parts I miss, like the mountains, oh how I will miss those mountains. And hockey, of course. But Deep down, that was never really home. Not in the way Iowa is home. We didnt have anything to tie us to AK, besides Hayden being born there, I suppose. But we didnt have any really close friends or anything, not anymore. It was really just the three of us when it came down to it. I suppose that has a lot to do with why I dont really feel a loss at moving. I mean, when I moved from Iowa, I was homesick for months. I wouldnt sleep, I couldnt, and when I did it was because I had cried myself to sleep. But overall, I know that it made Matthew and I closer and stronger as a couple because we had only each other, really. Can you imagine what it would be like if, deep down, it turned out we didnt really "like" the other one? I mean, as a friend, as a person. Does that make sense? I think that is why divorce is so high in the military. (well, one reason) cuz you go to a new place and its justthe two of you, what happens when you discover that you dont really like the other person? People in Matthew's shop were always surprised that we went out and DID stuff together, that we were friends, and enjoyed each others' company. I knew a lot of people who would go out with friends or work extra hours or volunteer to go TDY cuz they wanted to get away from their spouse. Matthew always tried to get out of it cuz he didnt want to leave us. And that makes me happy. I miss my husband.