I hate that I have no contact with Matthew. I hate that it is impossible. 12 calls a day was getting annoying, but now I hate that he cant call me. I miss him. I am getting sick with waiting for him to come home. I keep picturing that moment when Hayden sees his Daddy again. I know he's going to do the same thing he does to me when I have been gone, he gets the biggest smile and then starts crying. It breaks your heart every time cuz if you hadn't left, he wouldn't have made that face. But Matthew loves when he makes the doggy lip face. So he should enjoy that... I am probably looking forward to Hayden seeing Matthew more than i am seeing him myself. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for him to be home, but I know Hayden misses his Daddy. I miss him.

To keep my brain occupied, I am having fun getting decorating ideas for the house. I am taking down the wallpaper in the kitchen (sorry to anyone who may have liked it, but its GOT to go) I am thinking about a blue... maybe a slate blue, more blue than gray. I am also thinking about tiling a back splash under the cabinets (I haven't decided if I'll go all the way around yet) in a blue tile, or multi shades of blue. I MIGHT paint the cabinets too, I haven't decided yet. I am just NOT a white wall kinda girl. I need color. I have been surrounded by white walls for too long. Its just a sign that the house is someone else's... I was also thinking a pale green for the living room. I like the small room's wall paper, so I don't think I am going to change that. I like the stripes. It will take some planning since the layout in the living room area, and the kitchen to the basement for that matter. But I am concentrating on those things right now. I am not going out and buying anything, or making any decisions with out Matthew but I thought it would help me keep my brain busy.

I just feel like I am waiting. All the time. Waiting for Matthew. Waiting for jobs to call. Waiting for this and waiting for that. Waiting to make a decision. Any decision. Waiting to know that it will be ok. Hoping it will be ok.