Clarification

I see some clarification is needed. I was simply venting about the trip home. The whole thing was dealt with, Matthew and I came to a compromise that satisfied us both, but I still had some pent up issues that I needed to get out so that I wasnt carrying them with me. And I chose not to vent them to Matthew, because it would appear that I was bringing it up again, after it had been resolved, which makes it appear that I wasnt going to let it drop. I would never disrespect Matthew, or his dad, or his grandparents by being a spoiled brat about whether or not I wanted to go visit. I, of all people, know how important it is to see family, and Matthew's family is my family. I want to go to Missouri. I want to see julie and brian and Addy, so dont read that as me not wanting to do that, because I do. And I will never expect you to understand what it is like to fit all the people in your life into a short two week time span. I hate having to pick and choose who I get to see. I have two weeks to see my family, my friends, and Matthew's family. And everytime I come home, it only compounds the pain I have carried with me since the day that I said good bye. And now my husband is mad at me because he thinks that I dont want to go to see his grandparents. So the frustration and the fight and the tears that I was trying to avoid, happened anyway.

I understand your wanting to help, and I do appreciate everything. More than anyone will ever know. And the last thing I would want anyone to think about me is that I am ungrateful, but somehow I have come out of this feeling like a total bitch. I am not going to stop venting. I just hope that everyone understands that I am a very emotional person. But I DONT expect anyone to understand HOW emotional, except for Matthew. It is not something I can do anything about and if I could fix it I would. But I come here to calm down before I discuss my issues because I have nowhere else to go. Because I promise you, my husband does not deserve for me to unleash the full fury of the things that happen in my head. And since I left the people who know why I am the way I am, at home, I come here. And I dont want to devulge that information to just anyone. And I will not edit myself. I dont really understand why all of this has become an issue, but it has, and we have dealt with it. I always thought this was a way to understand why I am the way I am. And a medium to express myself. And I have chosen to share that. To share those thoughts and feelings, and issues. And I dont want to stop sharing that. Because one day, these words will be lost. Locked in a place in my mind that I will not be able to open. And here I have shown what I have done. Where I have been. What I am feeling and going through. And for that I will not apologize. But if what I have written, has been misinterpreted. Or has czused anyone pain, or frustration. That was never my intention. And I will apologize for causing those feelings, but not for what I said.