Packing

I dont seem too concerned with whether or not I have everything. Of course I have done this so many times, its kinda of second nature, the whole packing thing. I'm not even really concerned. Plus, its not like I am goingt o the middle of nowhere. If i forget something, I canjust run to the store and get it. Eh. A few hours and I will be knocked out on a plane, so I dont really care. I am a little nervous about going through Chicago cuz I have only been in that airport once, but I have an hour and a half, so I should be fine. I am leaving 40 minutes earlier now than when I booked the flight, so I have 30 extra minutes there. A nice buffer. It ill be fine, the more I think about it, the more I get worked up, so I am just not thinking about it. I dont particularly like traveling by myself. I have a tendency to second guess my self and get all freaked out. I dont know why. Its just one of those things I guess. Welp, off to check and see if I have everything. I will see most of you in a few days.

Lalalalalalalala

Lalalalalalala. I have so many other things I should be doing right now. But I so cannot bring myself to do any of it. I just want to take a nap. I cant cuz its 6 o'clock... but I want to. I do hae one suitcase packed. it is alot easier to pack for summer than it is for winter. The clothes are so much smaller, but I am still bringing two home.

Smoke from the Fires

Took these yesterday morning. There is a fire burning north and one south of Anchorage.




The air was so thick with smoke it was yellow!

Over in the west you can see that we were supposed to have a clear and beautiful day.

Oops.

I have successfully done nothing to et ready for leaving on Sunday. I should be doing laundry or something but I am not. Before I know it is going to be Friday and i will go into panic mode because I havent done anything. I realize it is only Tuesday, but time seems to disappear when I am procrastinating. LOL. I should start laundry at least. Just get the clothes ready that I will not wear between now and Sunday. Matthew wants to go to the new Dairy Queen on Saturday with the Ga's. Saturdays we typically spend the four of us, especially sice they decided to leave. Last Saturday we sat down and had a family meal. I imagine that will continue until they leave. I am going to miss them so much and I am trying not to let their looming departure cast a cloud over me trip home. Anyway, I believe I have guilted myself into going up stairs and fetching my laundry. LOL.

What a pain in the butt

So I went to the office to get some of my stuff and namely a bunch of my paperwork, including the report papers I have to mail in. So Me and Matt went on Wednesday, and got my stuff, before we went to Best Buy to get my birthday present. Wel, I left the file folder with all those papers. I dint realize this until Saturday, cuz I figured I just left them in Matt's truck and I forgot to check. Anyway, this file has ALL the report papers. Which have the phone number and the address to the building I have to go to in order to pick up my travel pass. Well, like I said I left it at the office, no biggie, so I went to the office today and remembered that they are all gone to retreat till the 25th. So the office is locked and in it my information for getting my pass. Great. what now? So I went to the first office and asked to see Juilet. I figured she gave me the papers in the first place, she would be able to tell me where it was, or what the adress was or at least have a phone number. So I get there, and there is the guy who was there the very first time I ever went. Do you remember me talking about that? How he treated me like subhuman. Anyway, he's like "Juliet is VERY busy today." So I was just like, ok maybe you can help me. So I explained it to him and he's like really snoty about it "I'll check and she if MAYBE we have some" and then I was really nice and I just say, "Thanks you saved me." and he's like (Snobby voice) "I gave you two, keep one with you." But he smiled, which was a new turn. What a pain. I cant believe I left it there! Actually I CAN believe that I forgot it. The one thing I went there for and I forgot it. What a spazzoid.

Ok people I leave in 7 days 5 hours and 16 minutes. I am SO not ready. Yes I realize how much time is IN 7 days, but I have a lot of other stuff to do also, mainly working so we can have some spending money. Whay else, oh laundry and packing, and I was VERY dismayed to see how much my duffel bag was destroyed on our last trip and it is now unusable. Boo. What else, oh actually packing would be good. I will need to probably clean before we leave. I have started my lists, of course, and actaully started gathering up clean clothes I know I wont wear between now and then and put them in my suitcase. I have to find my swimming suit. I know where one is but not the one I want. of course, so I need to find that. I am doing my best not to let my arms get sunburnt at work, so I keep slathering on the sunscreen. By the time, I get home I am always ready for a shower. Between the sweat, dirt and the layers suncreen I am so gross!

I am also pretty pissed at our neighbors. After I thought we had finally ogt some ok people... Anyway they have these two dogs, and I was impressed cuz they are really well behaved and relatively quiet, and so pretty. But there are two, and i dont know if their poop killed all te grass, or what but they have no grass in their back yard (which they will regret when the rain comes!) Anyway, we have a window fan in the livingroom in the window closest to the wall. And the past couple days I swore I could smell dog poop. Finally Matt said he could smell it too. And if you look over in their yard there is just poop everywhere, fermenting in the sun. Remember we are approaching 20 hours of daylight! And add on top of it, we came down stairs this morning and there was dirt all over my couch, the laptop, the pillows and blankets, the ottoman... All blown through the windows from their "yard". And you can imagine since it came from their crap piles, what else is in that dirt. So I had to shampoo the couch and the ottoman and I just hope it didnt get INSIDE the laptop. So what now? We cant open our windows? Its summer, its only going to get hotter. Its been in the 70s. Which i realize doesnt SEEM hot to most of you, but your perception of whats "hot" changes when you spend 5 months in single digits. I have thought about repoting them cuz that HAS GOT to be against housing uniformity codes!!! And just plain unsanitary!

Mourning.

Today was Bob Barker's last Price is Right. Today a dream died.

Bummer

Geoff invited me to his birthday party on June 30th. I'm actually going to be home for it, and it would be great to see all those guys again. But thats Sarah's wedding which is more important, of course. But I cant help being a little disappointed.

My Birthday Present from Matthew

He wanted me to have it before I went home.

Blah

I am just buged today. I dont know what my problem is. I have an idea, but it isnt something I can discuss at this time, but I will eventually. Add onto that issue, Marcus and Amelia are leaving. Maybe as soon as August. I am so sick of goodbyes. I feel like crap, both inside and out. I dont know what is going on there. I am just hopin that when I take care of the first nonspeakable issue, I'll feel better. I havent totally decided. Which may be part of the problem also. Blah. I hate these funks.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot. I dont really know. Lately, I feel like I am just swimming. I dont feel like I am drowning anymore. You know, just trying to keep my head above the water... Just swimming. With decisions and choices and regrets and stuff. Especially with the year mark coming up. The biggest thing is how much I have changed, I guess. I was so unhappy when I was there. So completely unhappy. I was kinda stressed out right before the walk, and I realized, I was like that ALL THE TIME. How did I live like that? All the time. No wonder my blood pressure was kinda high. Its not anymore, of course, but it was. One more way she found to hurt me.

More tornado pictures

Ah!

I cant believe that I have only 18 days till I leave. Ah! I havent even gone down town to get my papers yet. I just have to do that a week in advance. Ah! SO much to do. Are you ready paople? Emily's coming home! I have to find my swimming suit. I am going to miss the kitties so much. Poor babies will be all by themselves. Oh lord, they are going to be on their own in my house... We'll have to clear off the tables and counters. I can imagine what Jackie is going to try to eat... ANyway, I have to get to work and make some spending money for my trip HOME!

some pictures for you to enjoy

Jackies new napping spot

Scares the crap out of me sometimes when I come downstairs and all of a sudden I looke up and there is a cat.

You can see how big the Grizzlys has gotten! She's such a big kitty. Not as big as Jackie.

She likes to workout with Matthew.

And nap with Matthew. Actually its the blanket. If you want Grizzly to cuddle with you, you have to have this blanket.

She also like to be upside down.
This is how she naps...

I dont know why she likes to be upside down...

Clarification

I see some clarification is needed. I was simply venting about the trip home. The whole thing was dealt with, Matthew and I came to a compromise that satisfied us both, but I still had some pent up issues that I needed to get out so that I wasnt carrying them with me. And I chose not to vent them to Matthew, because it would appear that I was bringing it up again, after it had been resolved, which makes it appear that I wasnt going to let it drop. I would never disrespect Matthew, or his dad, or his grandparents by being a spoiled brat about whether or not I wanted to go visit. I, of all people, know how important it is to see family, and Matthew's family is my family. I want to go to Missouri. I want to see julie and brian and Addy, so dont read that as me not wanting to do that, because I do. And I will never expect you to understand what it is like to fit all the people in your life into a short two week time span. I hate having to pick and choose who I get to see. I have two weeks to see my family, my friends, and Matthew's family. And everytime I come home, it only compounds the pain I have carried with me since the day that I said good bye. And now my husband is mad at me because he thinks that I dont want to go to see his grandparents. So the frustration and the fight and the tears that I was trying to avoid, happened anyway.

I understand your wanting to help, and I do appreciate everything. More than anyone will ever know. And the last thing I would want anyone to think about me is that I am ungrateful, but somehow I have come out of this feeling like a total bitch. I am not going to stop venting. I just hope that everyone understands that I am a very emotional person. But I DONT expect anyone to understand HOW emotional, except for Matthew. It is not something I can do anything about and if I could fix it I would. But I come here to calm down before I discuss my issues because I have nowhere else to go. Because I promise you, my husband does not deserve for me to unleash the full fury of the things that happen in my head. And since I left the people who know why I am the way I am, at home, I come here. And I dont want to devulge that information to just anyone. And I will not edit myself. I dont really understand why all of this has become an issue, but it has, and we have dealt with it. I always thought this was a way to understand why I am the way I am. And a medium to express myself. And I have chosen to share that. To share those thoughts and feelings, and issues. And I dont want to stop sharing that. Because one day, these words will be lost. Locked in a place in my mind that I will not be able to open. And here I have shown what I have done. Where I have been. What I am feeling and going through. And for that I will not apologize. But if what I have written, has been misinterpreted. Or has czused anyone pain, or frustration. That was never my intention. And I will apologize for causing those feelings, but not for what I said.

Muscatine Tornado (mom's pics)

Memorial Day