Dread

I am sick of this overwhelming feeling of dread. I am expecting the worse for the upcoming months. I just figure if I expect the worse, then when it doesn't happen, it will be a relief. The plan is backfiring. I thought it was the way to cope with this, but I am being swallowed by it instead. Now I am so worried about everything going wrong that its now ALL I can do. And there is this cloud of sheer dread around me all of the time. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, when I was in a mildly good mood and Matthew thought something was wrong with me, because I was smiling and laughing. I didn't know I was so unhappy that I was like that all the time. That being mildly happy yesterday made him worried about me. That scares me. That means that it has gone beyond my control. I know it is, because I cant quit eating, the stress has become too much. I am shaking, and i an cry at a drop of a hat. My eye has been twitching for a few weeks now. I am snapping at Matthew. I am spending all my positive emotions on Hayden, and everything else is suffering. I cant even look at myself in the mirror. All because I wanted to be prepared for the worst, and now I don't know how to turn it back around. There is a talk I have to have with Matthew that is weighing on me, and that's why I haven't done it yet. But I have to get it over with. I just cant believe that it has so overwhelmed me without me knowing. Everything is slipping out of my control and I don't like not being in control. I never would have imagined that my preparedness about "the worse" would become my attitude about everything, even towards myself. And it is a downward spiral. So I am going to hand some control over to Matthew and I will hope that he can help me pull it back up and save me from myself. I cant save me from myself...