Dread

I am sick of this overwhelming feeling of dread. I am expecting the worse for the upcoming months. I just figure if I expect the worse, then when it doesn't happen, it will be a relief. The plan is backfiring. I thought it was the way to cope with this, but I am being swallowed by it instead. Now I am so worried about everything going wrong that its now ALL I can do. And there is this cloud of sheer dread around me all of the time. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, when I was in a mildly good mood and Matthew thought something was wrong with me, because I was smiling and laughing. I didn't know I was so unhappy that I was like that all the time. That being mildly happy yesterday made him worried about me. That scares me. That means that it has gone beyond my control. I know it is, because I cant quit eating, the stress has become too much. I am shaking, and i an cry at a drop of a hat. My eye has been twitching for a few weeks now. I am snapping at Matthew. I am spending all my positive emotions on Hayden, and everything else is suffering. I cant even look at myself in the mirror. All because I wanted to be prepared for the worst, and now I don't know how to turn it back around. There is a talk I have to have with Matthew that is weighing on me, and that's why I haven't done it yet. But I have to get it over with. I just cant believe that it has so overwhelmed me without me knowing. Everything is slipping out of my control and I don't like not being in control. I never would have imagined that my preparedness about "the worse" would become my attitude about everything, even towards myself. And it is a downward spiral. So I am going to hand some control over to Matthew and I will hope that he can help me pull it back up and save me from myself. I cant save me from myself...

Gallop!

This is THE coolest book EVER! I can quit looking at it. I havent stared at a book like this since Magic Eye. Its just so COOL.

Thanks Grandma Whitmer!
The Entire (Alaskan)Rose Family

How's this for freaky?

So my meds came in while mom was here, and to do the injections I have an Autoject 2 which makes it, basically, easier cuz I don't have to do the injecting. I had a little problem in the millisecond before the injection, I would hesitate and numerous times I would have to stop and regroup and do it. This you push a button and its over. And you cant actually SEE it going in, which, when you're doing it yourself, cant be very nerve wrecking. Anyway, I have had this Autojct for YEARS and I really like it. But I am missing a piece, its the little cap that you put in the end that the cap of the syringe goes into (its part #4 on the diagram), so once you have everything put together you pull this piece out and it removes the cap so you never touch the needle, and it doesn't touch the barrel of the injector so it stays sterile. Anyway, I have lost this piece over the years (there is a CHANCE there is one under the fridge, but I don't know) Anyway, I looked into replacing this piece, but you cant, you have to buy a whole new injector, which is close to $50. I looked. And I didn't want to pay $50 for that little piece. So I said forget it. It isn't that big of a deal, I just take the cap off the needle before I assemble the injector, it slows me down, but its better than spending $50. So I mentioned that mom was here because she arrived home in Iowa today to a small package, for me, sitting on the porch. So she called this morning to let me know she was home and to tell me that I sent this package to the wrong address (which I have done with a Target order) I was like, "I didn't order anything." She's like, "It's an AutoJect thing, isn't that what you were looking for?" "Yes, but I didn't order one, it was too expensive." "oh, well, this one is for Betaseron." "But I didn't order one." How freaky is that? While I was looking for a new AutoJect 2, one just shows up on Mom and Dad's porch addressed to Emily Whitmer. Seriously, I am freaking out, isn't this weird? I didn't go to the Betaseron site, I didn't order one, and there it is. Crazy!!!!!

I miss my mommy...

I hate when family leaves. I always get so depressed and it doesn't matter how many times I say "85 days"... I have basically been crying since I left mom at the airport. I hate the airport. I am sick of the airport. But more than all of that, when family leaves, it is just a reminder that I am alone. I have a 6 month old to talk to most days. All of my friends have moved away by now. I am not going to bother investing my time and emotion in finding new friends. I just miss my family. I love when people visit, but I hate when they leave. So I come home and everything just reminds me that she isn't here anymore. The suitcase is gone, the air mattress is deflated. The food she cooked is in my fridge... I have to go back to doing everything myself, and most of it, not well. It is all coming together and I am breaking. There are so many things that I am dealing with and worrying about and messing up, so when I realise the missing my mom emotion all the rest is coming out too and I cant stop it, I cant get it back under control. Some of these things are legit concerns, and most of them are things that I have no real control of so its of no consequence to stress over them... it isn't going to change anything. I just need to go to bed, but Matthew is up there, and he will try to comfort me, cuz he knows I am probably down here crying, but as soon as he does that I will lose my control again, and right now its all I have and even that is slipping away. Quickly.

I am freaking out about this stupid car. I don't have the title, we have to pay it off to get the title, but we have to sell the car to get the money to pay it off. Should I be so stressed about this? I mean, people sell cars all the time, right? This is how its done? I don't know, I don't know how it works. I am so afraid that w wont get this thing sold and we'll be stuck. I mean what are we going to do? We have to sell one of these cars. Otherwise, one of us will be driving home, and that isn't the situation we want anymore, but I am afraid that now it may be a last resort. I just want to cry.

I am a Material Girl (Or Boy)

A preview of Picture Thursday

I couldn't resist. I just LOVE this picture.

Hayden's New Trick- Momamama

Here is a taste of Hayden's new "talking" Its hard to catch it because you never know when its going to happen.

And this one is just for fun. Fish faces.

I cant believe Mom already leaves on Tuesday. It doesn't seem like it has been 2 weeks already. We haven't done anything. Which was what Mom said she wanted. We just play all day with the Misters. We went back to Moose's Tooth today for a late lunch. I am pretty bummed we waited so long to try that place, but I am sure we will go a couple more times before we leave. I am going to have to spend all weekend at work (Boo) since Matthew has an exercise next week.

We posted the flyers for the Saturn, hopefully it goes fairly quickly. I am prolly going to put a sign up in the window too, just for good measure. And then we'll see how the week goes and then put it out on the Lemon Lot. I may post an ad on Craig's List too. We need to get this thing sold.

Misters has been acting weird the past couple days. I think it is one of 3 things, he misses his Daddy (which seems to be a good possibility), he has a cold (or is teething, you'd think they'd pop out soon) or he didn't handle the green beans very well, I think he might have gas... So it a no go on green beans for a while. I will give it a couple more days before I give him anything else. It has been 3 days since the green beans, so if it WAS those I would think that it wouldn't still be bothering him, so that is the least likely of the 3 choices.

I am SOOOOOOO ready for this election to be over. I am SOOOOOOO sick of local political ads, especially the Ted Stevens ones, both for and against him. But I am pretty tired of ads all together cuz in most races at least one of the people running is being investigated for SOMETHING. I am so over this.

More Videos

New Measuring Cups

My walls are bare

This moving thing is going to be a real strain on Me and Matthew. We got into an "argument" yesterday about spices, do we keep them, if TMO doesn't move them do we throw them out and buy new? Or do we send them, figuring the cost of postage would be less then the price to replace them? Matthew doesn't want to mail a bunch of stuff home, but some stuff will have to be mailed. TMO doesn't move candles, for example. Well, I have some that were gifts and plus we have the Unity candles from our wedding. Sorry, those are being mailed. No wiggle room on that. I can just see this getting out of control. I started taking things down off the walls, so we can patch holes and scrub down the walls where pictures have been hanging for 4 years and you can tell... I really do want to take this opportunity to purge myself of things that I don't really need, but cant seem to let go. I have a lot of that kind of stuff.

Hayden's New Trick

Hayden has started "babbling" it is SO adorable! I will try to get video of it, but its kinda like when he first started rolling over, its hard to catch cuz you dont know when its going to happen. Its "Mamamamamamamama." Hee. Misters is so awesome.

First "Real" Food

This was his first experience with Sweet Potatoes.

Binkie

More Jumper

Feel My Pain

When you feel bummed about your weather, remember that this is what we are living with on October 13th!

Jumperoo

Funny video

Snow

Every year I am so happy when it starts snowing. There is just something about the first snowfall. And At night, when it is snowing and the street lights make the snow glow, there is almost a magic there. It just reminds me of when I was little, and it was Christmas and the lights were up and glowing in all different colors... Of course by March, i HATE snow. But through December, I love the snow. And when there is frost over the snow and the sun shines on it and it looks like glitter... I am so glad we will be going somewhere that still has snow, but not in May.

Yucky weather

Tomorrow is the first preseason game and Matthew is all excited. I guess I am too. I guess I am just in a funk. I get this way after people have visited and then left. Which is stupid this time cuz I have so much stuff to look forward to, like tomorrow, and then next week is going to be a good week. Monday is Columbus Day so Matthew doesn't have to work. Then Tuesday is the Season Ticket Holder Party. Wednesday Mom gets here. And then we have the Season Opener against Vegas. So I shouldn't be like this. I think its the weather. It snowed pretty good last night so there is a good half inch (maybe more) on the ground now. It just seems so early to me.

Hayden is doing SO good with the cereal. I think next week we will add a bit of fruit. He just cant get enough of the cereal. It is so cute. He is trying to feed himself now. I knew that was just a matter of time. He grabs the spoon and jabs it into his mouth. I have to hold his hand down when I put the spoon to his mouth, or else I am afraid that he is going to hurt himself. I have found that it works so much better if I use his formula to make the cereal rather than water. He likes it so much better. He is really moving around now. He always seems to find himself in the kitty dishes so we are going to have to move them. Probably down in the basement. Before we know it he'll be eating the cat food so it needs to be soon. I also need to get the gates for the stairs. At least for the basement stairs and the ones down to the entryway. I have to get the swinging kind cuz I cant step over the top, I don't have the balance for that nonsense. LOL.

It has begun...

A long week

What a week. It was fun, it went quickly, but I am glad its over. I am so very worn out. A week is a very short amount of time to fit a lot of things into it. But I tell you what, I can't wait to watch these boys grow up.

It was so wonderful to to see them together and Addison, too. It was so fun. I am so relieved its over though. I am so tired. I am ready to go back to our routine. I didn't realize how much we thrived on routine. Hayden is a wreck right now. It shouldn't take too long to get back on track, but at least I know that he will handle the Aces' games pretty well. And that is a relief. But I am exhausted. I almost fell asleep on the way home from Seward. Julie, Brian, Addy and Evan are flying home this weekend. Everyone else leaves tomorrow morning. So there is one last trip to the hotel and then to the airport and then we have a break for about a week. Then mom gets here and it off to the airport again. Misters has been to the airport more times then any other baby I know.

Cousins Take 2

Cousins