Hi.

I think "unfairness of the world" from my last post was a bit overly dramatic, but what else would you expect from me? I am having some weird moments of not being able to shut off my brain. I love when that happens, and you just cant stop thinking about certain things that have happened. No matter what you do. And what I am stuck on is not what you think it is, trust me. Though it does stem fromthat, as does almost everything else in my life nowadays. It was Jackie (no, not our cat) the one who sent me the message on MySpace. She called me a "stupid, fat b**ch" And its not the stupid part that bothers me, because I know I am not stupid. Far from it, so that hardly means anything to me. And its not the b**ch part either, cuz I know that I am a b**ch sometimes, and thats ok, too. It was the fat part that really bothers me. And not because she said it, because I believe it. It is my own insecurity. It lives inmy head no matter how much I try to ignore it. It is there. And while I dont use the f word myself, I know it is true. And the thought that other people say it about me, that does bother me. Especially since I pride myself on not caring about what other people think, and for the most part, I dont. Except for that one thing that I think about myself.

So where is all this self loathing/discovery leading me? I dont know exactly. But I know that I am on my way there.