I think that mom's treatments suddenly make things real. That this is really happening. That this could happen to me, or Amanda or Lew. That someday, my mom will die. And that is NOT something I am ready to come to terms with. It was so much easier to pretend that it wouldnt happen when she didnt need medicine. Now... now my mom is mortal. And I can't deal with that. I dont think I will ever be able to deal with that. And yet, at the same time, I am feeling so guilty that I am not there to be with her. I dont want to think about the reality of the situation and at the same time I need to be there while she is dealing with it.