Im probably goin to Tacoma for another show here soon. Lori hasnt said anything about it to me but Ralph told me today that she had brought it up. But I need to go to bed now. I dont really have anything to talk about and I have a meeting at 8:45 tomorrow. Sucky.

5 years

Jackie is pissed at me tonight! After this afternoon when I changed her water and put fresh litter in the box she thought she was queen of the castle. Then we took a bath. And she hates me! Oh, well, she smels a lot better now. I think we neeed to do it more often cuz she is getting dandruff. Poor little baby.

I wish I had more to talk about but I dont. Saturday is me and Matt's 5 year anniversary. 5 years we have been together. 5. But you knnow what it feels like it has been a loy longer than 5. In a good way, though. Like we have always been together. I guess thats a good thing though. That also means it has been 5 years since i gradated high school. Whoa. Now there is a reality check. I have been out of high school for 5 whole years. Thats crazy! Whoa, I'm gonna have to go ponder on that for awhile. Catch ya later.

Imagination

I figured it was time to update I know it has been awhile. I lived throught the rash. It was some sort of allergic reaction, but they cant know for sure what it was from except the it was probably not Jackie. I went the doctor and she said it was either something I was eating or something I was using. Because of the nture of the rash. It wasnt on my face or on my back so I figure it was my soap since I dont use it on my face ad I dont scrub my back with it like I do the rest of me just cuz I cant reach as well! LOL. Anyway, she gave me some meds to take and I quit using that soap, and my lotion just to be sure. Since I dont put that on my back, it could be the culprit but I do use it rather extensively on my face so there's a predicament. Better safe then sorry I guess.

Matthew is gone so I am sole provider of care for the cat so far I am doing well. I have remembered to feed her and change her water and I have even emptied her litter box. We will be taking a bath tomorrow. Wish me luck. She is a heck of a lot bigger than the last time I gave her a bath. As we speak she is playing inside of a plastic sack. She loves that game. Then I pick her up and carry her around the house in the bag. She is entertained by that.

I dont like being alone here. I hate being alone anyway, but I dont like it in this house all by myself. I dont do well by myself. Friday I went to the mall just cuz I cant stand to be by myself. I am too dependent on other people's company. I have to be around people. I dont know how Amanda can live by herself. I hate being by myself. Even when I am in a pissy mood and I dont want to be around anyone, I still need to know they are there. So I spent a few hours at the mall, just kinda window shoppion and people watchin and I went to the store for a little while. It is just too quiet. Even with jackie, it is too quiet. I hate the quiet cuz then my brain takes overt and it has the tendency to dream up all kinds of shit. I am the same as my dad. He would spemnd hours alone in the combine and just let his mind go. He would have conversations with people and all kinds of stuff. He would get into an argument with mom, in his head, and come home all mad at her for something he dreamed up in his head. I'm, the same way. My mind gets going and before I know it I have killed off my entire family in car accidents and stuff and I am in the corner bawling cuz my family is dead. I'm psycho like that. I think about the day when They tell me mom has died or dad. Or Matthew has gotten in an accident and I am suddenly all by myself. Nad I cant stop crying cuz I have convinced myself they are dead. Thats why I hate to be by myself cuz I cant shut my brain off. I have this imagination that wont stop. Only 5 1/2 weeks and Matthew will be home.

Mumps

Alright people, I am dying. I have been sentenced to a slow agonizing death by itching. I have broken out in hives, I think they are hives. Caused by some unkn0wn allergen. I hope its not the cat. I love my kitty... Anyway, it started out on my arms and has spread all over my body. I thought it was the cheap dryer sheets and then I thought It was my lotion so I quit using both and still I am slowly scratching my body away. I am pretty sure I am going to lose my mind. I'm glad I dont remember having the chicken pox. I hope its not anything other than a reaction. But It has been going on for about a week now. So I should go to the doctor, but it is a riday. We will prolly end up gpoing to the ER cuz I cant lose anymore sleep. Do you have a fever when you have mumps? What is mumps? I got vaccinated for that so it shouldnt be that. Can you get Chicken pox twice? What about small pox? I am going to die. Farewell world. I must go try to rub calamine lotion over my entire body. If anyone has some miraculous treatment for itching I am open to anything at this point. Oh, and baking soda isnt strong enough.

My Response

Disclaimer: I dont mean to upset or piss anyone off. Dont take what I say personally, just undestand my, our point of view.

I dont want anyone to think that for a second, that my health is not in the front of my mind. I know what is wrong with me and I have to live with that everyday, but I am NOT gong to be the reason Matthew spends the rest of his life doing something he hates. Because while everyone is so proud/happy/excited for him to be in the Air Force, he hates it. There are so many things that you cannot BEGIN to understand because you ahve a civilian life and that is all you know. We have spent the last four days discussing every angle of this decision. Nothing has been decided yet bacause we understand that things could be very different in three years. By then a lot of things will have changed and hell, we might even have a kid to think about by then. We dont know. But He doesnt want to do this forever. And MS or no MS I am NOT going to force him to do it. Matthew knows what he is giving up and he knows what he risks on BOTH sides of the coin. But you cant compare missing a few birthdays cuz you had to go to Illinois on buoisness to missing the birth of your child because you are at war in Iraq or Korea or wherever. That is our reality. And twenty years of waiting for that phone call that will send him to the other side of the world... We are not making a rash decision and in fact we have made no decision. Just because I write it here doesnt mean it is written in stone. I appreciate your input and I know that you are only doing it out of concern, but it is a decision that, when it comes time, we will make on our own. Whatever Matthew does he will be good at. And if he wants to get his degree and work on airliners then that is what he will do and that is what he will be good at. And when he starts classes in the fall you will see that we are not making foolish choices with no thought behind them. This is a world you cannot understand. And I do not need to be reminded of te benefits that he would be giving up. I live with that everyday of my life. Everyday I wonder if this will be the day that I wake upand I cant walk, or if this is the day I will lose my sight. I dont need to be reminded of that. And I am not attacking anyone. I am not trying to be a bitch. And I am truely sorry if I hurt anyone, because I DO know that you are only trying to help, but I must make it clear that we are weighing the pros ad cons. And be happy that we have started three years earlyand not a month before the decision had to be made.

Alright I am going to try this again the last three times I have tried to post blogger wouldnt work.

So, Matthew is going to Fairbanks for 6 weeks. Over our first wedding anniversary. I cant say that I'm surprised. I was prepared for this when he told me that he was going to Australia. So I was prepared. I am not happy, but I know that it is part of my job and I knew that it was going to happen. Matthew is going to get out after his six years cuz he cant stand that thought of missing anything else important. He knows people who missed the birth of their first (or any) child. I cant do that by myself! So now we are discussing where we want to go after this. Anyway I have to get ready for work. I will post a better message after work but i am running a bit late today.

Hola todos

I have returned relatively unscathed. I had a lot of fun. It was different from what I thought it would be. Lori was pretty disappoint cuz apparently this year the show was hella smaller than it ever has been. But she said that was a good first show cuz I didnt get overwhelme and it can only get better from here on out! But the best part was that I was a ble to bond with Lori and ralph. To Matt's liking, Ralph was able to come up. matthew didnt like the idea of me and Lori out on the town by ourselves and he said he would feel better if Ralph could go and then he was able to clear it with his PO and came up on Friday night. So I got to know them a little better and now I have a "history" started. I always felt a bit left out cuz I was the only person in an upper position that didnt have a history with either one. Like Malu, she's worked for Lori for like 5 years and Brandee has worked for her even longer than that and they have stories and stuff and I never did and now I do. Like I am now on the inner circle instead of just on the outside of it. It was like me toes wre touching the line but i couldnt get in, now I am. Yay. But I have to get to bed I am still tired. I think I got ten hours of sleep this whole weekend and I had to wake up early to take Jackie to the vet this morning. She is getting de-clawed and spade. (sp?) My poor baby. Se has to stay over night in the hospital. Oh, my poor little baby. I want her back! I feel so bad for putting her through it. If she werent tearing up my rugs, I might not have doen it but she was so I did. But i have to go to bed. Adios.