I hate everything

I swear I have something wrong with me. I mean besides the obvious. Everytime we start to get things put back together, I find someway to ruin it. I cant stop myself. I wish I could. Just another eason why I know I am not good enough for Matthew. He works so hard and I dont. I want to, but I dont. I dont know what I want to do with my life. I am lost and drowning and trying so hard not to bring him down with me. I dont know. I dont know. It is late and I'm pobably just tired. And I have applied to some places for a job. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Once you take care of the tip... there is so much more underneath... And no matter what I do, I keep disappointing Matthew and everyone else. And everydy that passes I just get more and more down on myself, and its getting hard to deal with that. I know that people look at me from the corner of their eyes. Like I'm tainted. But no one is harder on me than I am. I just dont know. I am sick of crying. I am tired of failing. I cant pick myself up anymore. I am so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not better than i am. I have tried.... I just dont know what else to do.