Updates

So I still havent gone to the hospital to get my blood test done. I keep forgetting and get my juice like I do every morning. I'm telling you, if it wasnt for my routine I would be lost and if it isnt part of my routine, it isnt going to happen!!!!

I am havig these wierd feelings in my legs. Its very strange, like I am too weak to stand up, but I can and I do, but I'm a little more clumsy. Like I am tired. Hmmmm, a better way to describe it... Imagine squatting for a long time and then that feeling in your legs when you stand back up, weak and trembling... thats what it feels like. Its very strange, if it goes on much longer I'll have to call Dr. Osterhaus. Which I dont want to have to do.

I decided to go back and read Book 6. I am glad that I did, cuz things in Book 7 made more sense, like names and small details. I kinda wish I had read it first, but the more I think about it, I dont htink it would have been as effective cuz I wouldnt have known which details were important or which name would come up again. Since I had already read 7, I knew what to pay attention to. Plus I had forgotten that he knew about the cup and the snake and all of that. So I imagine I'll go back and read 7 again, a little closer this time. Take my time, since I was in such a hurry to read it the first time so no one could ruin it for me.

In the fitness arena, I have gained three pounds, but lost an inch around my stomach so its kinda a trade off I suppose. Kinda deflating though, givin how much work I have been putting in. Course, I still dont have a regular meal schedule. I dont know if that would make a difference or not.

Its getting chilly again. Yesterday was pretty nice, today is very chilly. A sign of whats around the corner. I cant believe it is almost August. Marcus and Amelia are done on the 28th. They have four weekends left before they leave. It is so hard to see them go. I know we'll see them in a year or so, but still, even we move home, instead of 4 minutes away, they'll be four hours away. It could be worse though, at least we're gonna be in the same area. Not like with Smith, who's four days away. ('cept by plane, of course) This year has gone by fast, I am sure the next one will too. Thats what I tell myself anyway. I have to since the Gas wont be the only ones we have to wait a year to see. I just cant wait till we dont have to do this anymore.

Check up

I went to the doctor, just for a check up, plus I was overdue for my girl doctor appointment. Everything fine, except my blood pressure was "a little high" so they did it twice and the second times it had gone down "a little' so they didnt seem to be too concerned. They were a bit surprised that I had never has my chloresterol or my thyroid checked so I have to do that. I was supposed to do it today, but I totally forgot and had my daily glass of V8 Splash. Ooops. It has to be a fasting blood test. So I will have to go back on Monday. The bad part of this is that I put a huge note on the fridge that said "Emily, Remember NOT to eat. Go to hospital for blood test!!!!" And I did it anyway. Oooops.

I'm donr

I sacraficed some sleep, but I have finished HP. I am not a spoiler, so what I WILL say is that I wasnt surprised. Which a little disappointing. But it is what it is. I still loved it. And I look forward to the movie version of this one more than any of the others. I wouldnt even care if they made it 4 hours long to get everything in, I would still gladly sit through it.

I hate everything

I swear I have something wrong with me. I mean besides the obvious. Everytime we start to get things put back together, I find someway to ruin it. I cant stop myself. I wish I could. Just another eason why I know I am not good enough for Matthew. He works so hard and I dont. I want to, but I dont. I dont know what I want to do with my life. I am lost and drowning and trying so hard not to bring him down with me. I dont know. I dont know. It is late and I'm pobably just tired. And I have applied to some places for a job. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Once you take care of the tip... there is so much more underneath... And no matter what I do, I keep disappointing Matthew and everyone else. And everydy that passes I just get more and more down on myself, and its getting hard to deal with that. I know that people look at me from the corner of their eyes. Like I'm tainted. But no one is harder on me than I am. I just dont know. I am sick of crying. I am tired of failing. I cant pick myself up anymore. I am so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not better than i am. I have tried.... I just dont know what else to do.

Ridiculousness

Ok, I swore it wasnt going to happen, but I have been sucked in. I couldnt sleep last night, so I went down stairs to watch some tv, and the Victoria Beckham special was on, and there wasnt anything else on except for the Daily 10 but I didnt want to watch Britany Spears swimming in her skivvys so I watched it, and she sucked me in. It wasnt that bad, and she is kinda funny. The sad thing is that if her show had been a series, I would have totally watched it, and I like her. It is totally ridiculous and I am blaming it on the fact that it was late, and I was tired, but frustrated so I couldnt sleep. But it wasnt that bad. And I dont care what anyone says, I think her haircut is super cute. Amost makes me excited for the Spice Girls Reunion. Oh, who am I kidding? I was excited anyway. Ok, enough with that.

I hate coming back form vacation and not having any money. I thought I had planned for the vacation aftermath of not having a paycheck for 2 1/2 weeks, but I didnt take into account that Matt wouldnt be scheduled at UPS for another week after we get back.. That hurt us. And its hard to recover from that, especially when it makes Matthew so upset. I hate money, but more I hate not having any of it.

Blah...

I feel crappy. I feel bad that I didnt go in to work today... But I can hardly lift my head. I finally drug myself out of bed long enough to make some soup and settle myself into the couch. I hope Matthew doesnt give me too hard of a time about not going to work. I know he doesnt like it, but maybe I'll take a nap and then go in later on this afternoon. I really dont want to go in, i just dont think that I can be nice to people today.

Post Bday

I would like to say thank you to everyone who called (especially Amanda, who wins the prize this year for the worst rendition on "Happy Birthday") It was wonderful. And thank you for the cards and all. We didnt do anything special, I just went to work, but it was a nice day, sunny. Its all good. I had everything I wanted already. Now before anyone asks, no it doesnt feel any different than 24. Well, no thats a lie. It does feel different. Like I am an "adult", which sounds silly because I cant find a better way to describe it. But it is knowing that this year will bring more steps towards being on our way to making a real life. And its ok if you dont understand what I am saying. I always knew that we would have to put our lives on hold until we got done with the AF... I just never knew it would bother me so much. I know I sound like a broken record with this, but I still havent quite dealt with it. I think it all comes from knowing I really am 25 now. No turning back, right? Next stop 30.

Okay, I will finish since SOMEone was ina pissy mood and didnt want me typing yesterday. As I was saying, it as a very nice trip to Seward. I highly recommend it to people.

So today is the day, no, I am not doing anything special today, I am going to work. That's it. I had lots of celebrations so today is just the day. I got a present from mom and dad, but I havent opened it yet, prolly will tonight. So that's it. Happy birthday.

Blues...

I hope you have enjoyed the pictures I sent of our cruise. We had a wonderful time. I was a little sick at the beginning, but four sea sickness pills later I was feeling good enough to enjoy the ride. Couldnt go up to the upper levels for too long though. No amount of pills could fix that! But we saw some awesome wildlife, way more than I was expecting.

Back to Life... Back to Reality... Boo.

Back to Life... Back to Reality... Boo. But it feels good to be home. But it sucks cuz now I have to go back to the real world. When I am home it is like timne slows down. No one is in a huge rush, I dont have to worry about anything. And then I come back here... and there is this stigma. All this crap has happened here and it just reeks of it. And it taints the beauty thats everywhere. But I love both places. I love flying into Iowa, and its patchwork quilt. I love that I can stand at any point and see for miles. The fury of the sky on the verge of a storm. Thee is a beauty there that is nowhere else. I miss it. But this goodbye was the hardest one since that first one. Becase I didnt know how much I wanted to stay. I dont know when I am going to get to go back... And that makes it worse. I just keep telling myself that the next time I go home, it will be for good. It is little comfort...