Am I Worth This? (Pt 2)

So I left off with control. I went back and read a little bit of what I wrote and I found it interesting. I think that is the beauty of free writing, you just start writing, not really knowing where the topic will take you and eventually the truth will find its way out. I made a comment about not feeling like I have control over my life, and that comment surprised me. I don't really remember writing that. Anyway, the truth of it struck me. Somehow, during this journey, I want to find the power to take control of my life. I am so ruled by my emotions! Usually, its ok because my feelings about things are usually correct.

This self hatred that I have developed is leading to other even less desirable feelings that i have not experienced before. Jealousy for example. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I sure as hell am now. I hate that too, but I do not have the confidence in myself to trust that my husband wont leave me for someone prettier than me. That people have the shoes I want to be able to wear or the haircut that I cant pull off and I am jealous, and I hate the way that makes me feel. The logical side of my brain tells me to be happy with what I have, and longing after the things you cant have will not make me feel any better about myself. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Its that vicious cycle again. When I can buy that pair of shoes that I LOVE and not have to worry about them not coming in wide-width, that will be a glorious day for me and a detrimental one to my bank account! I want to look at myself with pride. I want to look at me and think, you look good. You did that. For you. And after 37 lbs lost I am starting to say that to myself. "You look good today." or "Hey, that picture is pretty good." Instead of "None of my clothes fit right" or "God, I look huge in that picture." Its a nice change.

I am hoping that I get to a point when I can be happy because of the work I am putting in. I want to feel proud of myself, and the changes I have made. I am starting to feel better. I feel good physically, better than I have in a long time. I feel more attractive which has made a difference between Matthew and I, which is a separate post which may be TMI for you so I will post a warning first. Not really detailed or anything but I imagine you don't really want to think about our private life, but it is a major issue and I will need to work through it just like everything else and like I said before this is more for me than it is for you. Anyhoo, I am hoping that there will come a day when I can truly say, "Yes, I am worth all of this work. I am worth loving. I am worth respect." And the only person I need to hear me say that, and believe me when I do, is me. I want to be able to say those things to me and I want to know that they are true. I'm not there yet.