This is a post that I have been going through in my brain for awhile now. It is going to be painful and it is going to take awhile to get it all out. There will be things that may surprise you and may not. I don't know. No offense, but I don't really care. This one isn't for you, its for me. Its for me to get this out of my head. I guess I could go to a shrink, but Blogger is free. There will be parts to this. I don't know if I will wait to publish it until I am done, going back and adding things along the way, or if I will publish it in parts entitled "Am I Worth This" which is the front runner at the moment. So I guess we'll call this Part 1. Its about what I think has brought me to this point. Subsequent entries will explore certain aspects in depth, but this is my jumping off point.
It isn't like I have never dieted before. And I have gotten some results, but never lasting. I have never been thin, maybe when I was a kid. I wish I knew what my BL "Trigger" was, but I haven't found it. Or maybe I don't want to admit to myself that it was a constant feeling of inadequacy. There is an Inadequate Personality Disorder that I am going to be doing some looking into, but I digress. I don't believe that it was any one's treatment of me that made me feel this way. Though I know there is one person who feels that she needs to carry that guilt, no matter what I may say. I never really knew my place. My siblings are both very intelligent, and I never felt like I could compare with that. I know now that if I hadn't limited my myself in thinking that I wasn't as smart as them than I would have seen that by doing that I prevented myself from reaching my true potential. I also think that I limited myself to being the fat, funny friend because that is where I thought I belonged. There was a time, I can remember it, when i felt pretty. And then I got sick. And I wasn't anymore, in my eyes. Now I was defective in a new way, a way that I had no control of. But isn't it funny how I have been able to cope with this invisible disease, this force over which I have no control, but it is the thing that I can actually DO something about that i allow to make me a victim? So It is this feeling that I can never be good enough that keeps me trapped in a body that I have come to hate. I shouldn't hate this body, its my only one, but look at how I have treated it! I am trying to find the strength to believe that I am more than what I have pigeon holed myself into. I know I could be more, but I don't really believe it yet, because I just have never known anything other than this:
I will pretend I am happy and as long as I can convince other people that I am happy than that means that I am.
That's a lie. It is a lie to myself, it is a lie to everyone around me. it is a lie to my family. I haven't been happy for a long time. And it has taken its toll on everything around me. Especially my marriage, but I don't want to get into that, cuz there is no reason to at this time. The only true joy I have had in my life had been Hayden. He saved me from the black hole that I was falling into. I will explore my Mommy feelings and that black hole more in depth, but for now I will just touch on it because I am getting bit off track from where I was wanting to go.
I have been developing and festering this growing self hatred for a long time. And as I got more unhappy with myself, I gained more weight, which made me feel even worse. It was a classic downward spiral into a hole I didn't know how to get out of. I don't remember ever feeling this badly about myself. I was always ok. Never good, but ok enough that I could function. I didn't think that I was pretty, I didn't FEEL pretty. I had a hard time taking compliments because I didn't believe them to be true, from anyone, including Matthew. How could that not take a toll? I ballooned. More than I had ever done before, and I knew it would just keep going. I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to jump off this run away car but I couldn't get myself to unfasten the belt and jump. Every time I tried something would push me back and I would give up again.
I wont say that in 4 months my self image has changed. Not completely. I have had to do a lot of looking inward. If BL has taught me anything its that there is a reason for being this overweight. Most people are NOT this overweight. And finding the trigger is part of the process. Finding that thing or things, that led you to this place is the only way to keep from going back. So that is what I am trying to do here, is finding my trigger, my reasons. I know that those feelings of not being good enough are definately part of it. Not good enough to take care of, not good enough to be loved, not good enough to be truly happy. Why? Why cant I be healthy? Why cant I be loved, mostly by me? Why cant I be happy? I can be if I allow myself to do so.
A lot of this also seems to be about control. I don't want to be a victim to my weight. I don't want to be a victim of my unhappiness. While I realize that these issues will still be here even when I DO lose the weight, and so this isn't a magic spell that will make me happy, but it is a process in discovering what it is that is preventing me from believing that I deserve everything that I want. I want to find control. I want to have power over my decisions and what I do or do not put into my body, and I don't feel like I have had that kind of control before. I think that is what is so great about the Bugg. It gives me the knowledge to be more aware of what goes into and out of my body, and having that knowledge gives me the power to exercise a bit more or eat a bit less or whatever the case may be.
Ok, That is enough for now. I have so much more to say, but I need time to sort my thoughts.
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