My First Day

...went pretty smoothly. I am working up front as a teller for a couple weeks, so I get the ins and outs of the bank biz before I move to the "back" room. I have my own desk, with my own phone and extension, and computer. Its a lot of little stuff that you have to keep track of, but I did ok. My drawer balanced so it was a successful day. We'll see how much I retain tomorrow, but all in all it went ok for a first day. I am still concerned that the pay will not be enough, but I am hoping that Matthew gets this intern position cuz I don't think he has started, seriously, looking for employment. And we will be needing a second income. I am covering the insurance and probably groceries, so we have cars, utilities and WTC that will need to come from somewhere. I guess that s where most of my disappointment about not getting the clinic job, stemmed from. Yes, it was a commute and I would be paying more for gas, but the Doc would have paid our premiums every month so that wouldnt be coming out of my check. And that was why I was so bummed, for lack of a better word, because it wasnt all disappointment, it was also worry about the pay difference.

We need to transfer our registrations and I don't know how much that will be, but that needs to be done soon. I also need to get my license changed over, now that I am employed in Iowa I can go get that done. Well, that and I have been putting it off cuz I didn't want to do it, but I cant put it off too much longer. If I go in before it expires, I probably wont have to take the test, but if I wait, I'll will have to and I don't want to take it.

So with all of this going on now, I am feeling more like we live here. It seems more like "home". I say "home" cuz its always home but it hasn't been "home" in almost 7 years. I never thought Iowa City would become "home" when I moved there, but it did. I didn't want Alaska to become "home", but it did without my realizing it. So I know, in time, I will feel back at "home" in Wilton. And then where ever we go from here, the same will happen. Anywhere I can hang my pictures will become home sooner or later. Just give me enough time.

Some Updates

I am assuming, because Matthew hasn't called me yet, that there isn't a working phone on board the ship... I wasn't really expecting there to be. He got some good news though, one of the guys from his shop, John Wayne, is on the ship with him. So I was happy to hear that. I am getting so excited for him to get home. We are going to St. Louis on Tuesday to get my car. And Laurie said that the Arsenal called and our stuff is here, waiting for a delivery date. Too bad I don't have a house that's ready for it to go in... but Mom and I are going back tomorrow to do more cleaning and probably some moving furniture. Gotta have somewhere to put the bed and the crib... but we'll do what we can and then when Matthew gets home, we'll be able to do more. But we have a lot to keep me busy until Sunday.

Oh, I have an interview at the bank on Thursday. I have several resumes out, but they have been the first to call. I am not even sure what the job is! Mom was in there on Friday and Bill Vetter told her that they had just posted an opening and that I should turn in my resume. Mom is going to call Annette tomorrow to see if she can get some info on what he job actually is... I am really excited about this job at an eye care place in Iowa City. I want that one too much, so I am sure that means they wont call. It is so cush...and full benefits. So send out good thoughts on my resume situations. I went to Wilton today to drop off my resume at the bank and mail out a couple more, and I got to the bank and dropped it off to Lora Knouse, and I get back in the car to go to the Post Office, and there is only one envelop, and I KNEW I had both when I left the house. And I remembered that I had set them on the car when I put the car seat in, and I must have left one on the car. So I freaked. I pulled a total Coffee Mug, and drove off with it on the car, so I was hoping it fell off in the garage. So I drove all the way back home, and I pulled into the driveway (Keep in mind we had 35 mph winds today) and I pulled into the drive way and there was the manila envelop, caught in the lilac bush at the end of the driveway!! So I snatched it up and drove back to Wilton to the Post Office. So maybe that one will be good luck!

This last Sunday I went over to Sarah's house for game night. It was a little awkward cuz it was Sarah and her husband Mike, Katie and her boyfriend Brian, Cassandra and her husband Mike, and then me and the Misters. I wasn't going to bring him along, but the girls wanted me too, so I did. He was a hit, as he usually is anywhere we go. It was nice to be around friends again. To be invited to go somewhere... I have missed having friends...lol. We played Outburst, which I haven't played in years, and Catch Phrase. And they were playing Pictionary when I left. It was 9 and the Misters needed to go to bed. I'm kinda glad cuz he gave me a reason to leave cuz the teams were uneven with me there and I felt like the odd man out, but they didn't seem to care. I am sure it was a bigger deal to me than to them. Obviously...lol. I hope Matthew will be willing to go with me cuz we may end up making it a monthly thing and if we do, I don't want to be the 7th wheel every time, and I don't want to have to blow them off every month, especially since I have waited so long to have my friends back.

Cleaning

Its 1 am. I have decided to take a break. Matthew and I have come up with a deal where I will stay up and clean at night, since I can get more done without a husband and a baby under my feet, and he will get up and take care of Misters when I am sleeping, and then when I get up in the afternoon, I just head to work. So I don't get to see much of my boys, but at least things are getting done. Matthew has a tendency to take advantage of the fact that I am around. So he does all this stuff that he wants to do, mainly work out, at like the WORST times. He quit doing the windows in Hayden's room and left it to go work out, and it was nap time, so the blinds are wide open the stereo isn't turned on and I have a baby who wouldn't go to sleep cuz Mommy had to fix all this stuff and that made him wide awake... anyway... that is over and done with, windows are done, it was just an example.

I have been working on the kitchen. I don't really feel like I have accomplished anything. Which isn't really true, cuz I have been focusing on the appliances, small appliances. The ones that will be packed up in 2 days. I want them to be clean when they get packed, so I have been doing that. And the counters as I go. I have started working on the fridge, and as soon as that is done I will go to bed. I have been up since 7 this morning. I made a pot of coffee when I got home from work. So that is what is fueling me right now, besides the knowledge that I am SERIOUSLY running out of time. I wish I didn't have to go to work. That would make things a lot easier. But that is life, I guess. All these expenses keep popping up. I tell you, NOTHING about this has been easy. We have hit roadblocks at every turn. I am just praying that once we get to the other side of this move things will go a bit smoother. I am not asking that things just fall into place (though that would be nice) but just run a bit smoother. Where we don't have to struggle at everything. Its hard to stay calm. Matthew is just disgusted with Housing and that is making him edgy. He goes off the deep end at very small things. I am quite used to it. Dad used to be that way when I was younger so I know that when it happens you just stay quiet and out of the way till it blows over and then things will be fine again. I am used to it, He did kind of scare Hayden though cuz he slammed the window (which we found out was broken by the people here before us and didn't report it, so now we have to deal with it) I am just tired. Tired of this whole thing.

Well, I should get back to work. I think I am keeping the kitties up. They are trying to sleep and I am invading on their time I guess.

Stress

I think the stress of this transition is going to give me a heart attack. I cant sleep already, and with the crap going on with Merrill Lynch and stuff, it makes me even more worried about finding a place to live, and I am just really freaking out right now. And with the 24th coming up, I am worried that something is going to go wrong there and I cant find the paper with the phone number to me new "special friend" is cuz I got transferred again a couple of months ago, and I can't find where I put the paper with her contact info on it, so I'm only 85% sure of her name, and I am afraid to call the main office because they are always so mean to me. I know that this is important so I will eventually suck it up and call the office because I have turned this house upside sown trying to find that paper. And the worst part of it is that I said to myself, "I am putting it here, so I know where it is the next time I cant find it." And I have NO idea where that is. My fear is it got thrown away by mistake. Though I cant really believe I would do that. But hen of course I thought I would remember where I put it. But I had to be stupid last week and didn't mail my report in, I don't even remember when I did it, Thursday, I think, I don't even know, and it had to be there by today. So I need to call and make sure that it got there. I mean I could fax in another, just to be sure. Which I may end up doing, but I don't have anymore copies cuz I made just enough to get me through this month. So I have old ones for my last "special friend" but she was at a different address. I have just made a mess of this. And if it was any other month I wouldn't worry about it so much but it HAD to be the LAST one... I am just a ball of nerves right now. I cant remember the last time my eye WASN'T twitching, and my stomach is tied in knots. So instead of doing something, anything, I sit here and do nothing. Good plan, cuz that just makes me even sicker to my stomach.

EDIT: Alright, after my minor freak out, I called the office and left a message (I had her name right after all) I just asked for who I thought it was and hoped for the best. And I went upstairs to vacuum and start going through my closets (sorting out shoes into send home and donate piles, sort thru socks for the ones that are stretched out and holey, etc.) Anyway, I was looking through a purse that I had put a bunch of stuff in to sort out later and I found the paper I had lost and the original form, so I was EXTREMELY happy about that, and will fax in he form, for safe measure, when Hayden and I go to the BX after his nap. So I have some relief about that. The transition home will still keep me up at night, but at least I can do it as a citizen in good standing. LOL.

Why can't I sleep?

Its almost midnight. I should be sleeping. Everyone else is sleeping. Misters is going to be up in a few hours... but all I can do is watch the baby monitor and listen to him sleep while my mind wanders through thoughts I can't do anything about, but that isn't keeping me from obsessing about it. Houses, jobs, cars, moving, doctors, daycare, schools, Churches... We need new everything, but I can't start looking because I don't know where we're going. Not for sure. Illinois or Missouri. I don't know. So all I can do is make lists. Lists, what the hell good will that do. I have 800 goddamn lists, but nothing to do about them. SO here I sit wondering what will happen... Knowing I can't just let things happen and hope that they will just fall into place. Will they just fall into place? Of course not, I don't live in a damn movie. So here I sit, watching my baby sleep through a monitor, and worry about his future. In every way possible, I worry myself sick about my baby. My Misters. I know that is the story of my life from the moment he was born... I just want to do good by him, you know? God, I'm tired. It is starting to make me a bit loopy, and nonsensical, huh? I just have all of these thoughts racing through my head and I can't make it stop. Make it stop... I need to sleep I have a whole day of work tomorrow and then Matthew wants to go to a movie, and I have to leave Misters with a babysitter. I hate leaving him with other people. Especially right now, cuz he is teething and in pain, and I won't be there to comfort him... He gets his little doggy lip and cries, whimpers, really. Ok, I need to sleep because I am just rambling here...

Shoes

As hard as this may be to believe, I have started sorting through my shoes, and not all of them are coming back with me. Shocking, I know. And I imagine, neither will all of my coats. And some of my purses. I thought this would be a good time to prune down some of my accessories... I know, you can start breathing again. LOL. I just don't know exactly how to go about it. I mean the clothes are easy... But I'm thinking that I should sort through all of these knick-knacks I have but I cant do it. So many have such a sentimental value that I cant get rid of them. It actually hurts me. Like i have this bottle of sand, its tiny, but Brian brought it back for me when they went down to Florida for a Bowl game when I was in Iowa City, and i was so jealous that i couldn't go with them. It was so sweet. But what am I going to do with all of this STUFF? I mean, when we move, we aren't going to have built in shelving in our wall like we do here, so where am I going to put all of this stuff? And this doesn't even included all the stuff I still have at Mom and Dad's house like my bells and my tea sets. And alot of those are antiques. I know what display cases run, and that is out of the question for quite some time. I guess they will sit in boxes until I can get a couple display cases.

Flying Home

I am really anxious about flying home with the baby. I mean its gonna be the first travel trip with the baby, and it has to be on a plane. I wonder what will be better, several shorter flights, or one longer flight. Should I go the 2/4/1 hour flights? Or should I go the 6/1 hour flights. (these are known as Seattle to Min/St Paul to Moline vs Min/St Paul to Moline...) I don't know. I am already nervous about it. So we're looking at 7-8 months old. I don't know... I guess I can do what I can do, I'll be a mom instead of the fellow traveller, so instead of cursing the crying baby, I'll be like screw you, I'm trying to quiet her down. I just think that the fewer take offs and landings the better... Keep a Binky or a nipple in her mouth ought to keep her quiet, right? LOL. Oh well, I have a year before I need to actually start worrying about this. I have to HAVE the kid first.

Back to Life... Back to Reality... Boo.

Back to Life... Back to Reality... Boo. But it feels good to be home. But it sucks cuz now I have to go back to the real world. When I am home it is like timne slows down. No one is in a huge rush, I dont have to worry about anything. And then I come back here... and there is this stigma. All this crap has happened here and it just reeks of it. And it taints the beauty thats everywhere. But I love both places. I love flying into Iowa, and its patchwork quilt. I love that I can stand at any point and see for miles. The fury of the sky on the verge of a storm. Thee is a beauty there that is nowhere else. I miss it. But this goodbye was the hardest one since that first one. Becase I didnt know how much I wanted to stay. I dont know when I am going to get to go back... And that makes it worse. I just keep telling myself that the next time I go home, it will be for good. It is little comfort...

Oops.

I have successfully done nothing to et ready for leaving on Sunday. I should be doing laundry or something but I am not. Before I know it is going to be Friday and i will go into panic mode because I havent done anything. I realize it is only Tuesday, but time seems to disappear when I am procrastinating. LOL. I should start laundry at least. Just get the clothes ready that I will not wear between now and Sunday. Matthew wants to go to the new Dairy Queen on Saturday with the Ga's. Saturdays we typically spend the four of us, especially sice they decided to leave. Last Saturday we sat down and had a family meal. I imagine that will continue until they leave. I am going to miss them so much and I am trying not to let their looming departure cast a cloud over me trip home. Anyway, I believe I have guilted myself into going up stairs and fetching my laundry. LOL.

Ah!

I cant believe that I have only 18 days till I leave. Ah! I havent even gone down town to get my papers yet. I just have to do that a week in advance. Ah! SO much to do. Are you ready paople? Emily's coming home! I have to find my swimming suit. I am going to miss the kitties so much. Poor babies will be all by themselves. Oh lord, they are going to be on their own in my house... We'll have to clear off the tables and counters. I can imagine what Jackie is going to try to eat... ANyway, I have to get to work and make some spending money for my trip HOME!

Disney World- A dream come true

We are starting to plan our 2009 trip to Disney World. And it looks like mom and dad are going to come with us. And that makes me even more exciting to go. I cant wait to share this world with them. I was lucky enough to have been shown the magic by my second family. And I want to share that with them. And it seems so corny, what I am about to say, but unless you have been there, and you have expeienced it, I suppose it would. But once you experience the magic, you just dont understand. But there really is no other place like it on earth. It truely is a another world. You enter those gates and you go back to a simpler time. A time where you didnt have worries or stree, or work or dire sickness. You can be a kid again and no one judges you for it. They encourage it. To dream that anything is possible, as long as you believe it. To be the princess you always knew you were.

To watch a fireworks show and hear the music from the movies that enchanted you as a child, and get chills and tears in your eyes because of what you feel. Because of the Disney Magic. Becaue of the love that surrounds you because you are sharing it with your family. You return to a simpler time. Where your every need was taken care of so all you had to do was enjoy it.

In the darkest time of my life, I went to DW, and all that evil I was going through, disappeared. It was an escape from the darkness of real life. Of the pain and hurt I had in my heart was lifted because I went somewhere where that stuff didnt matter. And wasnt able to follow me there. I know it sounds silly, but it is true. (so true I cant stop crying right now cuz I am reliving that feeling getting away from that)

And I will soon share that feeling with the two people who deserve an escape as much as anyone I know. To share it with two people who worked so hard my entire life to make sure my dreams came true. Who work today to keep them burning. To give them the magic and the joys of childhood again. Of the magic and joys of the childhood they gave me. It makes me so happy and light and so excited. I wish it were this Novemeber rather than in two years.

Christmas Video

I watched a video that my mom sent to me of their Christmas st home. It was so hard not to cry through it, even though they were cracking jokes and making me laugh. And then that made it even more emotional. And then I got to thinking that I have to move soon. I have to find somewhere to move to. So I am open to help, or suggestions. We want to go back to Iowa, closer to the Quad Cities. Since Matt is going to be workin in Moline, and I think that I may have a better chance at findin work in the Quad Cities too. I was thinkin DeWitt, maybe... But If you have any suggestions or know of a nice area, let me know. I am SOOOO not lookin forward to trying to find somewhere to live. I realize that I have two years but before I know it, I am going to have only a year and then only 6 months and so on and so forth, so just help me out.

Oh, also I am VERY excited cuz when we are in Wilton, Kristin will be on R/R!!! Yay! I am so happy that we will be ale to see eah other!