Finally

Yesterday was a LOOOONG day. Hayden did VERY well. I was so proud of him. He was such a good boy. The first 3 hours of the 5 hour flight to MN flew by (no pun intended) the last hour was tough cuz he wanted to be out of his seat, but that is basically the landing so he had to be in his seat. But we got into MN 45 minutes early. So instead of a four hour layover it was almost five. So we ate and talked and climbed on chairs and slept. He did alright. And then we get boarded onto the flight to Moline and it was taking forever and Hayden was getting restless sitting in his seat (I was pretty sure he was just tired) and I was silently cursing them for taking so long. Turns out it was because of our kitties. It was too cold down in cargo for them, so they flew in the cabin with us. They were good too. They didnt make a sound when they were being brought on board. I guess Jackie freaked out a bit at the beginning when Matthew dropped her off, so they put a sign on the kennel to not put your fingers in cuz she would bite. So while they were bringing the kitties on board the flight attendant thought that the sign was a joke, and I was just sitting there thiking "Its no joke. Ask our movers!" But they are safe and sound at Jim and Laurie's and doing very well there for the time being.

Everyone is asleep here, except for me. I will sleep tonight. I want to try to get adjusted to the time change and that wont happen if I take a nap. I am going to go get adjusted this afternoon, and I need to go to the Post Office. Those are my main objectives for today. Oh, and I need to get a few items like wipes and Misters Detergent. My suitcase was selected by TSA for inspection. The suitcase that had the formula in it. Two brand new cans. I figured they would be fine in the suitcase cuz they were new, so even if the top came off they still had the seal and I wouldnt get all over my clothes and shoes (do you see where I am going with this?) So in their inspection, they opened the can of fomula. Because when I opened my suitcase there was formula (expensive formula) all over my suitcase and everything in it. And I know they opened the can because the seal is completely missing. So it didnt explode or get crushed or anything. They opened it. It pisses me off. It was sealed. X-Ray it if you have to, but that stuff isnt cheap! And now I have to wash all of my undergarments, cuz thats what the suitcase was filled with, that and shoes and appliances and toiletries and formula. Randomly picked, my ass. There was a card on top of everything that said TSA preforms "random" luggage searches and my was "selected". Yeah, it just happened to be the one with the formula. If I had know they were going to tear the seal off, I would have put them in Ziploc bags, like I did the open one. I'm so annoyed.

I guess that is all for now. I am too worn out to do a lot of refelctive thinking and blogging about leaving Alaska. Mostly, I dont have the energy to start geting choked up about leaving and missing Matthew. I have the whole rest of the day to get through.

Cleaning

Its 1 am. I have decided to take a break. Matthew and I have come up with a deal where I will stay up and clean at night, since I can get more done without a husband and a baby under my feet, and he will get up and take care of Misters when I am sleeping, and then when I get up in the afternoon, I just head to work. So I don't get to see much of my boys, but at least things are getting done. Matthew has a tendency to take advantage of the fact that I am around. So he does all this stuff that he wants to do, mainly work out, at like the WORST times. He quit doing the windows in Hayden's room and left it to go work out, and it was nap time, so the blinds are wide open the stereo isn't turned on and I have a baby who wouldn't go to sleep cuz Mommy had to fix all this stuff and that made him wide awake... anyway... that is over and done with, windows are done, it was just an example.

I have been working on the kitchen. I don't really feel like I have accomplished anything. Which isn't really true, cuz I have been focusing on the appliances, small appliances. The ones that will be packed up in 2 days. I want them to be clean when they get packed, so I have been doing that. And the counters as I go. I have started working on the fridge, and as soon as that is done I will go to bed. I have been up since 7 this morning. I made a pot of coffee when I got home from work. So that is what is fueling me right now, besides the knowledge that I am SERIOUSLY running out of time. I wish I didn't have to go to work. That would make things a lot easier. But that is life, I guess. All these expenses keep popping up. I tell you, NOTHING about this has been easy. We have hit roadblocks at every turn. I am just praying that once we get to the other side of this move things will go a bit smoother. I am not asking that things just fall into place (though that would be nice) but just run a bit smoother. Where we don't have to struggle at everything. Its hard to stay calm. Matthew is just disgusted with Housing and that is making him edgy. He goes off the deep end at very small things. I am quite used to it. Dad used to be that way when I was younger so I know that when it happens you just stay quiet and out of the way till it blows over and then things will be fine again. I am used to it, He did kind of scare Hayden though cuz he slammed the window (which we found out was broken by the people here before us and didn't report it, so now we have to deal with it) I am just tired. Tired of this whole thing.

Well, I should get back to work. I think I am keeping the kitties up. They are trying to sleep and I am invading on their time I guess.

Ah! I thought this move would e what truly tested the limits of our marriage...all the stress and the unknown factors and such. But I think it may be having him home instead! I have a routine. Misters and I have a routine. The way the day goes, we eat, then we play, then we have juice then we nap, while we nap I get my things done... Anyway, I know he doesn't know the routine, and it is my fault cuz I have never told him the routine, but that doesn't help with my annoyance. It seems like he is always where I need to be, when I need to be there. There is limited time to do certain things, like laundry or preparing lunch. So I go to do those things and his clothes are in the washer or he is puttering around in the kitchen. SO I wait, and then he gets all defensive cuz I am waiting, or I decide o go do something else, so to him, that means I am mad at him. And then when I DO ask him to move or like this morning when I ask for the Saran Wrap (I even said please) he flips like I am yelling at him. And I did say it loud, but apparently the FIRST time I said it he didn't hear me. Probably because he has the damn music playing so loud. Turn it down! You wonder why you cant hear anymore! And he is constantly on the computer. I cant get the videos up cuz if I leave the computer alone, he swarms on it to watch hockey games. I know I need more patience with him, but I save my patience for Misters. AH! I just feel trapped in this house.

So I went down to the courthouse today. I figured it was best to do it in person. I hope that everything is done now. I guess I have no reason to believe that it is. The last time I thought it was over, I got a stupid notice in the mail. But the girl said that she had what she needed. I asked her like 4 times if that was everything that I needed to do, and she said that there wasn't anything she could see. I don't trust that either. This is so frustrating. I just want my "conviction" set aside so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I am so sick of this.

Please send out good thought that this dude will buy the Vue tomorrow. Matthew is taking it to have him test drive it. I just want to get rid of this thing. I don't care if we make any money on it. I will give it to him for what we owe on it. We are running out of time, and I don't know what we will do if we don't get the damn thing sold. So pray that we do, otherwise Matthew may have to drive home afterall. Why does everything have to be so hard?

When will this end?

So I had a true nervous break down today. Here's why:

Went out to get the mail this afternoon. (About 4ish) There was a letter from the State. "What could this be?" I ask myself. Thinking it must be final paperwork or something. Boy, was I wrong. It was a notice of non-payment of my restitution. The money I "owed" that woman. The restitution that was paid oh about a year and a half ago. Bullshit, I owe her anymore money. So for this whole time I have kept EVERY SINGLE piece of paper that was in reference to this disaster. When my Probation expired, and I had received my letter releasing me, I had Matthew take all those papers and shred them. What do I need them for? Turns out I needed them for this f**king letter I got today. I flipped. I completely lost it. I had it shredded and I had no idea how to get a copy. (By now its 4:23 pm) I called Steve (my lawyer), I called the probation office, I called the court house where i paid the money in the first place. Of course the hours at the court house are 8:30 to 4:30 so I kept getting transferred to voicemail that didn't exist. I called mom hoping I sent the paperwork to her. Nope. string by string, my grip on my control, and sanity, are snapping. I don't know what to do. I left messages with everyone I could, so now I have to wait by the phone for someone, ANYONE, to return my call. I decide to go upstairs and wake Matthew. HE has been really sick, but I needed him to calm me down. So I explain this letter and how I shouldn't have had him shred all that stuff. "I didn't shred it." "WHAT?!" "I didn't shred it. I didn't think I should." I lost it. I collapsed in a fit of bawling. I couldn't stop myself. I cried for a good 5 minutes. I lost it. He saved me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought I was going to have to go back to court. I thought I was going to have to pay that awful woman another$500 that I never owed her in the first place. I cant even describe the feeling of relief I had at that moment.

When is this shit going to be over? Shit keeps popping up. I don't need this right now. I don't need this added stress. I feel like I have paid for this mistake 1000 times over. I get it. I screwed up. I trusted the wrong person. I get it. I have learned to be a bit more cynical of people, but I have moved on. Just leave me alone. 61 days. 61 days and I can get the hell out of here. So I will go down to the courthouse on Monday and hand deliver the receipt that proves it has already been paid, and I will make sure this is the last thing, that needs to be taken care of. Cuz in 61 days I am not going to be able to hop a plane and go to court. I am so f**king sick of this.

Dread

I am sick of this overwhelming feeling of dread. I am expecting the worse for the upcoming months. I just figure if I expect the worse, then when it doesn't happen, it will be a relief. The plan is backfiring. I thought it was the way to cope with this, but I am being swallowed by it instead. Now I am so worried about everything going wrong that its now ALL I can do. And there is this cloud of sheer dread around me all of the time. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, when I was in a mildly good mood and Matthew thought something was wrong with me, because I was smiling and laughing. I didn't know I was so unhappy that I was like that all the time. That being mildly happy yesterday made him worried about me. That scares me. That means that it has gone beyond my control. I know it is, because I cant quit eating, the stress has become too much. I am shaking, and i an cry at a drop of a hat. My eye has been twitching for a few weeks now. I am snapping at Matthew. I am spending all my positive emotions on Hayden, and everything else is suffering. I cant even look at myself in the mirror. All because I wanted to be prepared for the worst, and now I don't know how to turn it back around. There is a talk I have to have with Matthew that is weighing on me, and that's why I haven't done it yet. But I have to get it over with. I just cant believe that it has so overwhelmed me without me knowing. Everything is slipping out of my control and I don't like not being in control. I never would have imagined that my preparedness about "the worse" would become my attitude about everything, even towards myself. And it is a downward spiral. So I am going to hand some control over to Matthew and I will hope that he can help me pull it back up and save me from myself. I cant save me from myself...

I miss my mommy...

I hate when family leaves. I always get so depressed and it doesn't matter how many times I say "85 days"... I have basically been crying since I left mom at the airport. I hate the airport. I am sick of the airport. But more than all of that, when family leaves, it is just a reminder that I am alone. I have a 6 month old to talk to most days. All of my friends have moved away by now. I am not going to bother investing my time and emotion in finding new friends. I just miss my family. I love when people visit, but I hate when they leave. So I come home and everything just reminds me that she isn't here anymore. The suitcase is gone, the air mattress is deflated. The food she cooked is in my fridge... I have to go back to doing everything myself, and most of it, not well. It is all coming together and I am breaking. There are so many things that I am dealing with and worrying about and messing up, so when I realise the missing my mom emotion all the rest is coming out too and I cant stop it, I cant get it back under control. Some of these things are legit concerns, and most of them are things that I have no real control of so its of no consequence to stress over them... it isn't going to change anything. I just need to go to bed, but Matthew is up there, and he will try to comfort me, cuz he knows I am probably down here crying, but as soon as he does that I will lose my control again, and right now its all I have and even that is slipping away. Quickly.

He's such a Guy...

Arg, I am so sore. My shins hurt so bad. And my Achilles heel muscles are sore. But I actually feel really good. I am sore, but I feel really good. Matthew is still harping on me to exercise. It is starting to really bug me. Again. I know I discussed this previously, about me needing to do this because I want to do it, not because he is making me, which is how it is starting to feel again. We got into a heated discussion about this with him declaring that he will just stop caring about me then, and me being a silent bitch which is my favorite way to fight. We resolved that he would sit over by the computer and care and I would sit on the couch and be pissed/annoyed and that was what we agreed on. He is just such a guy. I was complaining that my shins hurt and made the comment that if I walked normal (heel-toe) rather than flat footed like I do, my shins wouldn't hurt enough. Well, being a guy, he thought that meant I needed him to solve the problem, when I just wanted some sympathy. He told me I should start walking around the block, concentrating on walking heel-toe to break the habit. It was also a good way for him to subtly tell me to exercise more. Which was too much. I could have shrugged off the need to "solve" my "problem", but it was the underlying exercise jab that pissed me off, especially since I am SO sore from working my ass off this weekend, and he's not giving me the sympathy I want, instead he's harping on me. ARG! So annoying. But kisses goodnight were given and all is well. It is just so funny (and a bit irritating) that when he fishes for sympathy/compliments and I do to him what he does to me (i.e. solve his issue, or tell him what to do differently) he gets all baby-like and says "Why don't you love me?" Because I'm not fawning all over him like he wants. But when I want sympathy and he giving me "solutions" I need to accept them and appreciate his suggestions, even when they are not wanted. And so I say again, he is such a guy!

Oh, and I told him that those videos were too funny to delete so I posted them. And he was like "Really?" and he watched them and was CRACKING up. The reaction he has at the end of the short video is his reaction to spit up, but he didnt know that he made that noise, and he just thought it was so funny and watched it like 5 times, just laughing harder each time. Which made me laugh cuz he is laughing. He's like "good thing you didnt delete that. I didnt realize it was so funny." I am just SO happy I watched them before I deleted them, instead of taking his word for it and just deleteing them.

I am absolutely disgusted.

I just finished watching Nastia on the uneven bars... that was an OUTRAGE. I mean, I don't care what countries it was, it could have been China and Romania or Romania and Russia, if two athletes put in two routines that were judged (competently, or not) they were judged to be equal, down to the hundereth of a point, then BOTH of those athletes should receive a Gold medal. They tied, fine, give them BOTH what they earned. I have watched basically everything I CAN watch and I have seen two people win silver medals, because they competed and were deemed equal. I have seen two bronze medals awarded. Why not two gold gymnastics medals? I just don't understand. Does it hurt more cuz it was the US? Sure, but like I said, it doesn't matter the countries, if you tie with another athlete, in the spirit of the Olympics, you should both get medals. Gymnastics pisses me off, but I love to watch it.

why am I surprised that he wont be home today? I shouldnt ever be surprised when something happens that will disappoint me.

Dinner out...

I went out to supper with Carrie and Amber tonight. It was nice. I hate to say it, but it was nice to get away from Matthew. As soon as I got home though, he started in on how it is too cold in the house (cuz I wont let him turn on the heater yet) and questions about the PFD, and why we didn't get it, and that I should call them to find out why I didn't get it. And is Marie's still "yanking" me around? And on and on... And I just wanted to go back to the girls, and all the talk of babies, and girl talk. No one nagging me about a job or money or temperature or hockey or anything, just actual conversation about how I am feeling, about how Amber is feeling, comparing symptoms, etc. About friends and life and real conversations. I love Matthew so much, and he is my best friend, but I forgot what I was missing when I distanced myself from my girl-friends. I need to have these conversations. I need to have people care about other things than those naggings mentioned above. I always thought I would be the one to nag him to death, but it seems it may end up being the other way around.

Camping Update

Well, its official, Matthew is not onl working this weekend, but he is working 12 hour days. And he wont get off work tonight until 7-7:30. But we are still going to go camping. We're just going to go on base here, so he can come out after work and just go to work from the campground. But its not the same. I am so bummed. And he is so upset. You can just hear it in his voice. I almost dont even want to go, it wont be the same without him. This just sucks. We have been looking forward for this for at least a month. And what happens? The AF has to ruin it. And I cant help make him feel better. There is really no way to cheer him up. Maybe we will go later, after they leave...

Shhhhh...

I hate jts. I am SO sick of listening to those damn things fly. SICK OF IT!!!!! I am sick of having to pause whatever I am watching for 10 minutes while they fly over and over and over head. I CANNOT wait till I dont have to listen to it anymore. I cannot wait! I want the quiet. I want the peace. I am SOOO sick of these stupid loud jets!

Jobs and vacations

So "we" have decided that I need to get a job, since my temp position with NMSS is over. Matt thinks I should work with them at UPS, which is less than appealing to me. Its ok for a second job, but not a primary one. And I already have a second job. So here we go again. I cant start until after we get back anyway, or at least I dont want to. Blah. I have only a few months left till normalcy returns to my life. At least some sense of normalcy. If that actually even exists.

Iam afraid this trip home is going to be stressful. I am a little aggrivated. When I planned this trip, Matthew wasnt coming with, then he decides to come home too. Ok, thats fine, but now I have to fit in a bunch of stuff he anted to do. Well, I dint alot for those things, sorry, but I didnt know he was coming with. All I said was that I wanted to be with my family for the fourth of July ( and yes, I know this has been resolved, but I need to vent it out, cuz when I mention it to Matt, he thinks I am trying to pick a fight) And then he wants to go to MO to see his grandma and grandpa. Ok, fine. I ake him do my family stuff I will go with him to his family stuff. Cept now he wants me to spend three day in Des Moines/Ames/Ankeny. Sorry, no. If I spend two days in MO and three days in DM/A/A, that means I am home for 6 days. If I knew he was coming with me, and wanted to go to all of these places, I would have stayed longer. Dont get mad at me when I say no. This is MY trip home. The last I will have till we move. I know it is his last one too, but isnt that all the more reasons to do our own thing and know that we got to do it? I dont need my vacation to be stressful.

I hate loud planes

I will be so happy the day I dont have to hear any g**d**n jets fly over my house. No stupid flightseeing tours. I hate planes, they are too loud.

Easter

For the first time I ddnt really want to call home for a holiday. And when I did they were all so happy and laughing the way I havent laughed since I've been home, around the table with my family and a deck (or two) of UNO. I'm glad I did since manda answered the phone, I havent talked to her for months. But it was so depressing. Especially since we arent really doing anything. I wanted to go to Aleyasks for the sunrise service, but we couldnt. I wanted to go so bad, now I have to wait a year, I WILL go next year, with or without Matthew. I hate hoildays.

I have done it again

I dont know how or why I do this. I guess i'm just too good at doing anything. Now I am SO knowledgable and SO good at my current job, I have too much stuff to do. Because I know how to do everything, Diana just hands everything off to me to take care of. It is 3pm and I was supposed to leave at 1:30pm. But she keeps putting all this stuff on my desk to get done. She gets upswet when people do that to her, but she has no problem handing everything off to me. And then coming in and interupting me so I cant get anything done. And shethinks that I will get it dont the second that she hands it to me. Hello? do you see my in-box? Its full of all the OTHER stuff you have given me today. Put it down and I will get to it. My door is closed for a REASON! She cant solve any of her own problems cuz she dosnt know anything about how computer programs work. Its all logic really. There isnt anything difficult about it, just figure it out. And then she hands me these emails to respond to walker problems, but I dont have an NMSS email! I am not sending out my personal email to people I dont know, and I doubt many of them would open an email from someone they didnt know. I dont.

SO now I am in the position that all of these little things get handed to me cuz I figured out how to deal with them. They bitch all day long about this new program and how not user friendly it is, and how hoard it is to figure out. AND I just want to scream cuz its not that hard you just dont know what you are doing!!!! Its all logic, the program cant do anything that a person didnt put in there so anyone can figure out how it works. Just quit bitching long enough to figure it out! And the BIG problems arise when people. who dont know what they are doing, go in and try to "fix" things. So thanks to these said people, I couldnt get into my computer for 45 minutes this morning cuz they changed my user name and password and didnt tell me, and then clained to not know anything about it so I got to spand a half an hour with tech support so that they can tell me that these said people changed it. Didnt they tell you? NO, they didnt tell me! If they had told me, I would be working right now, not listening to elevator music waiting for your ass to pick up the phone. And since we felt the need to change my user name, it created a new user on my computer, erased my old user and all of my files and forms and programs along with it. So I got to try and recover all my stuff, and at the same time deal with everyone giving me stuff to do and I cant even get on my computer. Guess what, if I dont have all those files, i cant work. So go back into your office and let me fix what you tried to "fix".

And what burns me even more is that they do this shit on Fridays when I am not here. Its like they wait for me to leave to fuck up my shit. I am so pissed off right now, my head is going to explode. It is days like this that are pushing me towards smoking again, or taking up heavy drinking. The kicker is that you insult my intellegence by claiming that you dont know anything about what happened. I am not stupid, I know this stuff doesnt just happen! Computers donot just kick on at night and decide to erase user profiles and create new ones. Like I said they dont do anything that a person didnt put in there, so I KNOW someone did it. Just tell me what you did and 99% of the time I can fix it, but dont stand there and tell me that you know nothing about it, call Tech. Someone in this building had to have done this. There are three other people, and I know it wasnt me cuz I wasnt here. so that leaves 3. One of them barely knows how to work her own computer. That leaves two. And my money is on the office manager who cant just leave things alone. And has to be right about everything. And in this case, being wrong, but convinced you are right cost me all my information on the walk. Thanks. Now I get to recover months worth of work cuz your stupid ego.

Sponsorship.

Ok I would like to say that I can handle this, but I am WAY over my head here. Diana went out of town for her son's wedding and she wont be back till Monday so I am sailing this Walk ship by myself. Which would be ok if I could just stick to what I know, registering Walkers, helping team captains, basically the little details. But NOOOOO, all of this sponsorship stuff has come up and I dont know anything about sponsorships. Diana does all of that. Anything that deals with major money like that, she does, I just deal with the small stuff, the pledges and stuff like that. But the big companies, like the drug companies and the airlines and Chevron and stuff I dont do that. I dont know what is going on, Diana has a relationship with them, not me. So I am drowning here. So confused. I guess I will just hang on for dear life. I can only do my best, after that, its up to fate. The only thing is that the commitee at Alaksa Airlines is meeting on Wednesday so I have to get this grant request in by Today so they can present it on Wednesday. TODAY! Grrrr. I just want to go home and take a nap.

Radio Show

So I was COMPLETELY disappointed by the radio thing this morning. Pretty much I was nervous for absolutely nothing cuz we hardly even got to talk. We were there for like 5 minutes and Diana did most of the talking which didnt surprise me at all. I8 can hardly get a word in edgewise when I am with her, can you believe that I have to fight for converstaion time!? Me! So anyway, we are going back closer to walk time so hopefully then I will actually get to talk. I made some good jokes about a calendar and a sundial though. That was my contribution to the show. LOL. And I was nervous. And for what? I can get in front of a group of people and be just fine, but you put me in a room with a microphone and I freak out. Just one of my quirks I guess.

Stupid UPS.

I am so disappointed. Matthew was going to come to the office and we were going to go to luch, and stupid UPS called him in to work so now we cant. Why today? Why couldnt it have been yesterday or Friday when I could give a crap less, but no, it HAD to be today when I was actually going to get to go out with my husband. Buttheads.