70 Pounds: A Look Back in Order to Move Forward

I have been working on this post for awhile in my head, but I am really just not sure what I want to say, so I decided to start typing and the words would come.


I will start here, I have been overweight my entire life. Well, maybe I was ok before the second grade, but after that it was all down hill. It never really effected me in a social way, I guess. I was (and am) pretty outgoing. I don't remember anyone ever teasing me (to my face anyway). I went to a private school through the 8th grade and we were a pretty close knit group of girls, so I know that helped. That group of girls really shaped my perception of myself in a positive way. I never felt left out or ostracized for my weight. I did that to myself. To this day, I am friends with most of the girls from grade school. High school was a different story. We moved into the public school system and things changed. I still had my core group of friends, but I could feel the judgements that go along with High School and the pressures to 'fit in' and be 'perfect'. I wish I could go back and tell my Freshman Self that all those 'perfect' girls have self image issues,too. I remember getting my learners' permit when I was 14. I lied about about my weight, because I didn't want my permit to say that I weighed 212 lbs. I remember the number as clearly as if it was yesterday. And I also lied about my weight when I was 16. I don't have a clue what I was at at that point but the fake number was 220, so more than that. At 16. Still, I never felt badly about myself. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with MS that I began to feel like something was wrong with me. Not because i was heavy, but because I was sick. My senior year of high school brought me Matthew. He saved me in more ways than one. He accepted me and loved me despite everything... He never saw the weight, he saw me. Even now when we were looking at older pictures to put in this post, he said to me "Baby, I don't remember you being that big. I just didn't see it." All he knew was that I wasn't happy. To say that, at 286 lbs, I was not happy was an understatement.


Things started to fall apart around 2006. A bad string of things happened, and I just kept falling deeper and deeper. The farther I fell, the more I ate. I tried to eat away the things that happened. I tried to hide behind the food, but when the food was gone, the problems were still there. I would eat more because I felt so bad about eating. It was a cycle I couldn't pull myself out of. It started effecting every aspect of my life. I was tired all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. I pulled away from Matthew because I was so disgusted with myself. How could he love me? How could he find me attractive? When he would tell me that he did, I would laugh and tell him that he didn't. How many times could I argue with him before he would stop telling me that... I cant give you an EXACT number of times, but it took about 9 years....


I had hit rock bottom in almost every aspect of my life. My one shining star throughout all of the darkness was Hayden. I knew that I had to make a change. For him. For my marriage, but more than those things, for myself. I knew I couldn't continue on like I had been, but I didn't know where to start. And like a sign for the heavens, I got an email from my sister, offering to buy me a BodyBugg. It was my start, it was the catalyst I needed to begin a change I so desprately wanted (and needed!) We all have that moment when we make the conscious, and finite decision to change our lives, and this was my moment. I knew that if I took her up on her offer then I would make it work, and in those moments, in the beginning, when I had given up before, I remembered how much money she had spent to help me, and I kept on going.


With my BodyBugg program, I was able to track all my calories: in and out. I bought a stationary bike and worked out in my basement and I started walking. I started making better choices. I cooked meals instead of eating out. I cut out pop, candy and mindless munching. When I eat, I eat with a purpose as fuel for my body. Soon I started losing weight. 37 weeks after I started my BodyBugg program, I have lost 73 pounds. I am so close to crossing over into the 100s which is a place I haven't been in more than a decade, and that is saying something when you are only 28.

Here are some things I have learned along the way:


You don't have to hate exercise. There are SO MANY different ways to get up and move, there IS one out there that you will enjoy. Try walking, biking, dancing, swimming, tennis, ping pong... the key is to get up and MOVE. Nothing will change if you just keep doing the exact same thing. If you don't like one thing, try something new. You may be surprised at what you enjoy. I NEVER thought I would be a runner, but I recently finished my third 5K race and am looking forward to 2011 because it will be my Year of Racing.


Logging your Food makes ALL the difference! Don't try to guess your portions. We live in a land of Super Sizing (our food and our waistlines). When I first started, I logged EVERYTHING I ate, even gum. As the months went on, I became lazy about logging my food and the scale slowed to a crawl. I wasn't losing what I wanted to, but I was exercising more. It all comes down to food. Keep your food log!


Your body will do what you tell it to, even if you don't think you can. Sometimes it is sheer will that keeps us going. Our body isn't the one in control of you. You control your body. Even when you think you can't run one more minute or do one more rep... you can, and you will if you tell your body to do it! Believe that you can. Your body is an amazing thing if you take care of it.




Listen to your body too! On the opposite side of the coin, your body will tell you when it is enough. Don't push it so far that you hurt yourself. If you are used to walking, and you want to push it and start running, start slow. This applies to all aspects of the journey.




Small changes over time are more effective. Starting small and easing into the lifestyle changes you want to make, will be more likely to stick than changing everything at once and becoming overwhelmed. Start small like just adding more water, or adding 10 minutes of exercise. Build on those small changes and make a foundation for good health.






Don't be afraid of slip ups, Be afraid of quitting. The only failure occurs when you stop trying. Don't berate yourself because you had a cookie (or 4). It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Don't give up, just learn from it, and move forward. Why did you eat the cookie? Were you bored? Stressed? Examine the trigger so that next time you can be more prepared to resist giving in.



You don't have to give up your favorite foods. Simply enjoy a little less of it. I could easily sit down and eat 5 pieces of taco pizza and a carton of Hagen Daas Coffee ice cream for supper and not bat an eye, but are 5 pieces really better than one? Nope, cuz there is guilt attached to 5. I will still have the occasional slice of pizza, but I find that I enjoy it more now, because it is a special treat, than simply something I stuffed down my throat.


Calories should be spent wisely. Use them like money. Is that food worth spending 300 of my calories on it? Not usually. By asking myself this question, I have found that while I eat LESS food now, the quality is so much higher! If I am going to use my calories on something, i want it to be worth it! I would much rather spend 400 calories on a piece of Maple glazed salmon, grilled zucchini kabobs and garlic red skin potatoes than on a single piece of taco pizza. And guess what, sometimes that piece of cheesecake IS worth the extra workout you have to do!

Its all about starting. You don't have to be first. You don't have to be perfect. The important thing is that you are out there DOING it. You are out there moving. It is the same philosophy that I apply to my races. I am not the fastest runner. I may have to crawl across the finish line, but I WILL finish. My time isn't important. I like to know it, but whether its a personal best or my slowest time, it doesn't matter to me. It is about being out there, running for me. Pushing myself farther than I thought I could go. It is about taking that first step and starting on your journey. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to lose the weight the fastest. You just have to keep going. Go farther than you think you can go. Push your preset boundries and see how how you can go. You may be surprised at what you can do.

I hope that by sharing the things I have learned, you can take a moment to reflect on your own journey to good health. Look at the differences (no matter how small they may appear to be) in yourself from the beginning of your journey to now... those small differences will begin to add up and start forming the new, healthier you. Use those lessons and work towards your goals! Sometimes we have to pause to reflect and reevaluate. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that Food Logs work, Water is an invaluable tool, and trying something new WON'T kill us (unless your something new is skydiving w/o a parachute [which I DO NOT endorse]).



Did losing 70 pounds fix all my problems? Not by a long shot, but in order to get to the root of my eating, I had to take an HONEST look at why I was using food to hide my feelings. I have had to learn to love myself, respect myself, and know that I am worth all of the sweat, sore muscles, and tears. I am not 100% there yet, but I am a work in progress. I can appreciate my strength, and admit my weaknesses. I have found healthier ways to deal with my stress (Hello, Zumba!) and I was forced to examine the real problems in my marriage. I have never felt better. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. My marriage is better than it has been in the last 10 years that we have been together. Did losing 70 pounds do all of that? No. Weight loss isn't the magic bullet that makes all of your problems disappear, but I believe that when you start putting in real, honest effort in improving your health, it forces you to confront the other things in your life as well, and in doing that, you can heal the wounds, fix the problems and move forward as a happier person. At least, that is what I have experienced. Every one's journey is different. I had to admit that I didn't think that I was worthy of love. I had to face those demons, reopen those wounds and figure out WHY I felt this way about myself. It was hard, to say the least, but I did it. Some days those feelings return, but I am more capable of dealing with those raw emotions now. I find that if I deal with the emotions and not try to bury them in a pint of ice cream, then I feel better about myself. Don't look for weight loss to be your magic bullet, but use the process to examine what it is the brought you to this point and where you want to go from here.



My hope is that I will shed the last 40 lbs. I want to become stronger runner. I want to do a Half Marathon. I want to pass on healthy habits and attitudes to my son. I have an amazing little boy and I want to be around to see the fantastic things that he is going to do in his life.

Why, yes, I am a chicken...

Ok, so I didn't go to swim class again last night. I tried. i had my bag with my suit. I brought clothes and underwear to change into afterwards. I had every intention of going. I stood in the changing room, frozen for about 20 minutes. Trying desperately to make myself go. To make myself change into my suit and just GO! 20 minutes and a few almost tears later, i chickened out and put on my gym clothes and hit the treadmills instead. I don't know what I am afraid of. The unknown I guess. i don't want to look foolish because I don't know where to go, or what to do. So I chickened out and walked instead. But as punishment for skipping yet another class, i made myself run. And would you believe it? I LIKED it. I have had the urge to run for awhile now, but I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't. I did 2 miles. i was feeling pretty good. I am a little sore today, which i don't mind, I just cant get over the fact that I actually LIKED running. I used to wonder why on earth you would run for fun, but I can see why now. i have known for awhile now that there was a runner buried deep down in me, under all this extra weight, and she is finally starting to break free. I will start slow. But I really want to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February, but I don't know if I will be ready for it by 2011, so I want to definitely do it in 2012. I just kind of hope I am not knocked up by then, which is a possibility... anyway, I just I am transitioning myself into becoming a runner. i am kind of excited about that idea. I would have NEVER thought of myself as a runner. I need to get a good brace for my knee cuz that is the only thing I can see standing between me and 16 miles. I am not afraid of the work it will take cuz it will help me on my fitness journey. I don't want my physical limitations keep me from doing everything I want to do! Anyway, the DPHM benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I can think of no better way to give my support to my Mom and Uncle Dan, and honor my Grandpa than by completing this challenge. By improving my life, my health, it is like I respect their lives enough not to continue wasting my own, which is what I have been doing. So in chickening out, I have found something so much more than I even knew to look for. WHO SAYS THINGS DON'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

It has been awhile...

...Since my last post. I have had a major milestone since then. Last Sunday I hit 60 pounds lost. For some reason, unknown to me, this resonates more deeply with me then the 50 pound mark did. I don't know why, but I am not going to argue either. I took Amanda's advice, when I felt like I had hit the wall, and changed things up. She told me the most important thing you can do when you feel stuck is to change up your routine, cuz it has, in fact, become routine. So that is what I have done. I have started lifting more, not as much as I probably should, but it is a start. Matthew and I have joined the Y because they have some great weight machines, and some classes that I would like to take like water aerobics and Zumba. I have yet to bring myself to go to the water aerobics class because I have 'first day of school' jitters. So hopefully, today, I will get past that and go to class. I just feel like the new kid, going into an established class... in a swimming suit.... Its like a bad dream. BUT the point is that EVERYONE is in a swimming suit and we are all there to exercise.



I am still not keeping track of my food like I should be. I want to put a bit more effort into doing that again. That is my new goal. Again. :) I still have yet to take my bike out cuz it has been so effing hot. I am a bit disappointed with that, but since I cant control the weather, I will wait until it cools off a bit. Until then, I need to come up with some sort of Y schedule. I don't like pawning Hayden off on Mom and Dad all the time, but I am not ready to leave him at the Y Play center. I know that I will have to eventually because Mom will not always be available to watch him, but I hate leaving him with strangers. I feel like I am abandoning him to be selfish, and while that may not be the truth, it is the truth in my head and that is all that matters.

Other than those things, nothing is really different. I have been pretty bummed about it being too hot to walk, lately. This heat is just annoying me! I have been tossing around the idea of walking the Eager Beaver in a couple weeks. Of course I am going to have to wak up early and that doesnt really appeal to me so much, but I thought it might be something I could do. Vickie says its only like 3 miles or something like that and we regularly do that distance anyway so I have been thinking about that. i supopose I need to make a decision rather quickly on that front.

I went to the doctor yesterday cuz I havent beenable to get over this sinus crap, and I didnt dread getting weighed in! That was, I believe, was a first! My BP was 116/70 which was VERY exciting! I don't remeber the last time my BP was 'normal.' So it was actually a good trip to the doctor. I dont have those very often. Mom was very excited for me. She told me that I probably saved myself from diabetes, and I know that she is right. I know that, and probably much worse, was in my near future. I dont have to fear going to the doctor anymore cuz I am too embarassed of my health.

So i guess I will try to be a little better about my updates, but until next time, here's to steps forward, major milestones, and (hopefully) overcoming fears.

New Milestone

My 3.6 lb lost this week has pushed me past 50 lbs lost. I made a few changes this week that seemed to really help with my wall. I made more of an effort to eat breakfast, which I have not been doing the last couple of months. I know its important, but I am not hungry and I usually don't have time. This week I have just been throwing a bagel flat and my white chocolate peanut butter in my purse and toasting it at work, and eating on my first break. It seems to really be making a difference because by noon I am not famished and snacking on the candy! Vickie and I are also consistently doing at least 3 miles a night, sometimes four. I want to add in some serious strength training too. I know I have been saying that for awhile now, but I know it is something that I need to be doing! It may be this week, or next week, but i will be starting that soon too. This week I will add bike riding to the equation also so hopefully I will have another good week.

I do feel good. Its hard to really revel in my 50 lbs (which seems silly because its 50 POUNDS!!!!) because I have so far yet to go, but come on, its 50 pounds! And right before my birthday... Its bitter sweet, I guess. Why can't I feel better about this? I will. I know why, because I haven't gotten to really appreciate what I have accomplished. I still see that other person when I look in the mirror. The fact that this new person is still wearing, and hiding in, the clothes of that other person doesn't help. But right now I still have the need to hide. I am starting to want to be more... visible, I guess, but I am still hiding, and I know it.

Mom and I went shopping today for my birthday. It was a bit disappointing. I needed denim capris (my first mistake) and I couldn't find any in my new size anywhere. I guess when you are suddenly the same size as a lot of other people, your clothes selection becomes smaller. I did find a pair at Dress Barn (sz 16!) and a REALLY cute top that I will probably wear on my birthday. And I found a couple tops at Old Navy that really were cute, cuz they make my waist look small and my boobs look big so that is a bonus! LOL. I got a couple pairs of new walking pants since Vickie informed me that I REALLY needed to invest in some smaller pants, so I did. There was a REALLY cute pair at JC Penny's that I wanted but they were just a bit too small. I could have gotten them, but they wouldn't have fit for another month or so (maybe less depending on how the changes pay off.) So I guess it wasn't all that disappointing overall, more targeted towards Kohls. Last time we went there I ound all kinds of stuff. It IS the end of the season though, so I shouldn't be all that surprised. I suppose that is how it goes though, sometimes you hit big and sometime you don't find anything. The important thing is that I had a fun day with Mom and Hayden, I have lost 50 pounds, Saturday is my birthday, and I feel really good.

Taking control

This week I have taken a huge step forward and I have taken a bit more control in my life. I did something that I was scared to do, but I was tired of hiding from what I perceived the problem to be. It is not something that I want to get into except to say it has been something that I have been worrying about for quite a few weeks now. It is something that I think was really throwing off my focus. The stress caused was fueling my sweet tooth. I had fallen off the Bugg wagon so to say in that I wasn't keeping track of my food. I haven't been drinking my water, and my results were starting to show it. At this point I would have given up. I would have given in the the problem. I would have tried to eat it away. Shoved all the stress and hurt down with food and then hope that the problem would just disappear. Instead, on Monday, I faced it head on and confronted it. I put the wheels in motion for resolution instead of hiding behind an ice cream sandwich or something. I realized that no matter how much I eat, eventually the food will be gone, but the problem will still be there. No matter how much I eat, the food would disappear, but the stress and the hurt wouldn't. How is that for growth? I am pretty darn proud of myself. I have hopped back on the wagon. I am drinking my water and logging my food. Now if the stupid rain would stop so I could go walk, I would be able to look for this to be a pretty good week. Why cant it rain during the day while I am at work and then clear up at night? Why does it have to be the other way around? It is really starting to piss me off! Vickie said i could come with her to her gym and use the treadmills there. I may take her up on it. I just wish I could afford my own treadmill. Matthew says Sears had some nice ones for under $1000. So maybe I will start there. Why do they have to be so expensive?

I have past 40 pounds since February. I am at 41.4 I believe, or it could be .6 I don't really remember as it was the 40 lbs that caught my eye. It seems like a large number. And I am really starting to be able to see it in myself. Like I said in a past post, I hadn't really been able to see what people were complimenting me on, but I graciously accepted the compliments (a large achievement for me!) because if people were noticing then I must be doing something right! But I can see it now. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my arms, my hips... If I flex, you can see my muscles. Matthew says that he can see a difference. I think that when my arms get smaller, they will be impressive! I feel so much better about me. I am really starting to feel a pride in what I am doing. But I am still having trouble getting back on my food log wagon. I need to start logging what I eat again! I know that I do, but its like I am trying to find a reason, an excuse, for failing. Again. If I have something to blame my failure on, other than myself, then I have a scapegoat. But I don't want to have a a scapegoat. I don't want to fail! There is just a mental block in the way that I cant break down. I have to stop saying "can't", I CAN break it down but I have to figure out why I WON'T break through it. Because its easier not to. I'm tired of easy. I want to put in the work, because it is more likely to stick, and last because I worked so hard to achieve it!

Milestones

So I got my 30 pounds last week. We were away from home for the weekend but we brought the scale along. I lost 3 pounds last week and got my 30 lbs lost. This week I lost 5 lbs. and that took me under 250. I debated on whether or not to proclaim that cuz I know y'all can do math and figure my starting weight, which I am pretty ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of my progress, so I dont want to hide how far I have come, and since my plans do not involve ever seeing that numer again, I think its ok. And given the emotional weeks I have been having lately, 8 pounds in two weeks is pretty awesome. I love walking, and it is making a huge difference in making my calorie burn. I can definately tell the days I do not walk, and I get kind of bummed when I dont get to go. It has become my "Me Time". I am doing this for me, otherwise I would have quit by now. That’s the difference this time, I think. When I work out its my time, its for me. Its when I can leave everything else for an hour, or whatever, and its just for me. That’s why I like walking cuz I can get out and I have my iPod on and its just me, for me, about me. Not Matthew, or Hayden, because for every other waking moment I am doing everything for them, because they are my family and that’s what I want to do. But for that hour I get to be selfish, and you know what, I like it! So here is to another new week. A new milestone to reach. And maybe, just maybe, some new pants, too.

Walking

I have started walking in the evenings. I really like it and it is an easy way to burn calories. We'll see how it goes when it gets hot out, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks to walking I am hitting my calorie burn basically everyday. And I am getting my step target in too, shockingly. I have come a long way. Today, for example, Matthew had class stuff to do at the college so he wasn't here, and Hayden was tired and whiney. So I laid him down and let him chill for a bit, which seemed to help his mood immensely, but instead of using Hayden as an excuse to NOT go walking, we went together. We saw lots of cars and every truck we saw was "Daddy's Truck" The Old Emily would have used that excuse to not do it, but today I was truly disappointed when I thought Hayden's mood would prevent me from going for my walk. This week has been very emotional and stressful so I dont have real high hopes for the scale, but I think that decision makes up for any possible lack in my goal or the scale this week. Which as I previously mentioned I have retracted as an official goal and downgraded it to an added bonus.

I think that setting goals like 3 pounds in a week, is too much pressure on me. I think it is unnecessary pressure on me. So if I don't make the 3 pounds I will be a bit disappointed but I think it would be ok. I just don't think the best thing to do is to unnecessarily put additional pressure on myself. Or put myself in a position where I could fail at anything additionally. Does that make any sense. I think that the journey I am on right now, this path to discovery shall we say, is not ready for additional pitfalls, especially ones I have created. It is an invitation to become discouraged.

Week 11

I lost another 2.8 pounds this week. I guess I didn't realize that it had been only 11 weeks. I mean that's not even three months yet! So I am pretty happy about the 27 pounds I have lost. I mean I guess its in perspective now. I thought it was going so slow, but I am really proud of myself right now! I have learned a lot this last 11 weeks. One of the big ones is that it is ok to eat. I can have cake and I can have pizza, but that doesn't mean that I have to eat 5 slices of pizza or 3 pieces of cake. I understand the role of food a lot more. I mean, I always knew that my relationship with food was super screwed up, but now I understand a little better. That stuffing my face full of food isn't going to make me feel better about myself. I know that if I want to spend my calories on a food then I want that food to be worth the calories I spend on it. It makes me appreciate good food that much more. I want to eat the things that are good for my body and not just eat it because I want to stuff my stomach full. I can enjoy eating for the joy of eating good food rather than just hiding behind sub par food. Hiding. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be proud of myself, of what I am doing. For myself, but also for my family. I want Hayden to appreciate good food, healthy food, not just easy food. It is taking a lot of work with him...but I know it will come. He will eat his veggies, he already loves fruit and chicken. We are working on the veggies. And I am also learning that I can be proud of myself. I can accept compliments (though that is still VERY difficult). And there isn't anything wrong with that. I will be a better mommy, I will be a better wife, but first and foremost, I will be a better Me. 11 weeks is not a very long time, but it feels like forever since I started because of everything that I have already accomplished.

Weird Week

I guess this is a testament to how much food matters. I lost 4 pounds last week. 4 POUNDS! I couldn't even move last week and i lost 4 pounds. Do I find this a bit frustrating? Yes, I do. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about my 4 pounds, but it is a bit frustrating. I mean I work my ass off and I lose 2 pounds. I watch watch I eat, because I know that I won't be able to work out, again I can barely breathe w/o hurting, and I lose 4 pounds. So this week is bit of an experiment. I am going to do the same insane tracking of my food and add in working out (except for tonight) and see what happens. It is that time of the month so that will factor in, but we will see what Sunday brings. Friday and Saturday will be difficult with Hayden's birthday celebrations and the storm that is coming so that will destroy my walking time. Oh well, I will figure it out. One step at a time and I am thriving off of my 4 pounds. It will keep me going for awhile. For now, I am taking tonight off to watch Julie & Julia and having a night to myself. I made a grilled cheese with wheat bread, mozzarella cheese, mushrooms and ham and it was delicious! Yes, food matters.

True setback

Welp, Sunday should be interesting. I had a true roadblock this week. I hurt my tailbone and I couldn't move for two days. Literally. Couldn't. Move. I am still VERY sore but I tried to be more active today. I can move a bit better, a lot better. The only problem is that I didn't really adjust my intake to accommodate the that that I wasn't moving at all. So it should be interesting. I am trying to make up for it today and I will be pretty busy tomorrow. I have LOTS of cleaning to do so that will burn some calories and I would like to go for a walk since it is supposed to be nice tomorrow. I just have to eat really well tomorrow too and hopefully my deficit will be enough that I drop a couple lbs this week. If not, I cant beat myself up too much cuz really it was just yesterday that was the problem with eating. Wednesday I was in so much pain the thought of food made me ill. Another aspect (TMI ALERT) that I must consider is that I haven't gone #2 since I got hurt. The very thought makes me cringe. I know the situation is similar to right after I had Hayden and I was afraid to go because of the pain, so I didn't. The lesson I learned from that was that the anticipation and the dread leading up to the "event" was much worse then the "event" itself, but that doesn't seem to matter. My brain is afraid so it wont let my body do it. Its frustrating. I could probably drop a couple pounds that way! LOL. So there is a glimmer (glimmer may not be an appropriate description in this case) of hope, but I am holding out for a maintain rather than a gain. If there is a loss I will be surprised and VERY happy. But I am not holding my breath. Stay tuned.

Obsess much?

Ok, I have been thinking about it, and thinking about it and thinking about it. What, you ask, am I dedicating all this brain energy to? That stupid little pound! And Why? because it was a +1 and not a -1? Who cares? My body fat percentage went down! Why am I obsessing about gaining one little pound? It could have been water, it is that time of the month. It could have been muscle gain. I did A LOT of walking this week which is working different muscles than my bike. It could have been bone density. I started taking my vitamins to supplement my calcium. It could have been any number of good reasons! But I have to worry about it, and worrying about it isn't going to change it. Its not going to turn back the clock and prevent that +1 from being there. It isn't going to take back Sunday or my Sugar Hangover yesterday. All I can do is turn around, see what I did wrong, and then move forward from there. Each day is a new day and a new opportunity to do things better and as long as I do that then I will keep moving forward. No matter what the scale tells me. I know this is a journey. I know it is a LONG journey. I know I am changing along the way. The way I think about my health, and the way I feel about food...those are changing too. And those are the things I should obsess about. The good things, the steps forward, those are the important things, the things that deserve my energy. I need to learn to embrace those positive steps and not scrutinize the small setbacks. Those are the things that would discourage me in the past. The things that would whisper in my ear that I would fail so I might as well give up. I don't want to give up. I don't want to give up on myself. I want to believe that I can be better, that I can live better. That I deserve better than I have been giving to myself. It is ok to put me first sometimes. I was proud of myself last night cuz I didn't cook supper. I told Matthew that I couldn't cut his hair, make supper, and work out so he needed to decide if he wanted a haircut or me to make supper. Not like he was FORCING me to make supper or anything, but I needed to know which was more important cuz I wasn't going to not work out. (He chose the haircut) But the point of that story is to demonstrate how far I have come in such a short amount of time. The old me would have forgone working out in order to make supper and take care of Matthew. Last night I was able to make me the priority. Not that Matthew cares, I mean he wants me to be healthy more than anyone else, for him and for Hayden. It is that kind of growth that I am talking about though. Those kinds of positive changes that should overshadow the +/- of the scale. I knew going into this the first couple of months would be more of a mental battle than I physical one. Sure, eventually, the physical battle will become more important and will take over center stage, but until then, until I get my head in the right spot, the mental challenges of weight loss are the stars of this show.

Feeling Good

I started doing a cleanse this week. It is only Tuesday and I am already feeling good. I forgot what a difference it makes! Maybe its because I am closing in a 20 lbs lost, or because the weather is nice...I don't know, but I am feeling good. Energized. That is a good word to describe it. I feel energized. Basically the complete opposite from how I was feeling last week. I count that a notch in the win column. Anything that is an improvement from last week is a welcome change. I was VERY tempted to walk to work today, but I didn't since then I would have to walk home to get my car so I could go pick up Hayden. Maybe tomorrow, though. It is supposed to be nice tomorrow. I can just wear my tennis shoes and then change when I get to work... It is probably something I am going to do this week since it is supposed to be so nice. I wish it weren't supposed to rain on Saturday cuz I wanted to take Hayden to the Egg "Hunt" at the park. I think he would have fun and I thought I would support my old 4-H Alma Mater. Does that term apply in this situation? Now I just want to walk home. HA! See, what I mean? I'm kinda giddy. All because I feel good. Ok, back to the cleanse. I think I may do it for 2 weeks instead of 1 since it has been SO LONG since the last time I did it. I am having to leave the room a lot more since it is making me a tad gassy (unlike one of my coworkers who will pass gas no matter where she is and no matter who is around her!). But I remember that is part of the cleanse process and soon I will be getting rid of more waste, so to say. But I can feel the difference already. I feel lighter. I just keep in mind that it is all to keep me on the path to my goals!

Weigh in Day

I was a little discouraged this week. I lost 3.2 lbs. I was just thinking that it would be more. I guess I need to make more of an effort to hit my calorie burn. I mean I get close to it and I think that I am ok because of the deficit from what I ate, but apparently I am underestimating something somewhere. I just need to get out in the mornings and do my walk. Then I will have a start on the day so when I am done and home I will know if should go down and workout again. I also have to keep in mind that the goal I set for myself was pretty high. I have to lose at least 3 lbs a week to meet it and they say you should lose more than 2 a week. And I know as I get closer to the 6 month goal it will become harder to drop 3lbs a week. I know that I am not hitting my burn everyday. That is a fact. I thought that I was doing a good job of controlling what I ate, but apparently I wasn't. I need to make a more conscious effort to mind my portion sizes. I have been getting better about weighing all my food and measuring the amounts I eat, but apparently I need to do a bit better. This is all new to me and I cant just "eye" something and know how much a portion should be. I also need to have more veggies and side dishes on hand. Like salads and things like that. Maybe we need to go to Sam's and get a couple of those really big bags of salad mix... that is something to think about. So my goal for this week is to weigh and measure everything I eat.

Wow, shame on me!

I guess that it has been over a month since my last post/update. Wish I could say I was busy but that isn't really it. Matthew has started classes and so much of his time is spent on the computer. Since our laptop has crapped out on us, that leaves us with one computer. Which is ok, I would rather spend my free time with Mr. Hayden. He is growing and learning by leaps and bounds. He is adding a word a day to his vocabulary. It is fun as he becomes more vocal and is able to express himself in new ways. It also means he is throwing temper tantrums to get what he wants. He knows we can understand him, but I don't think he understands WHY we wont let him play with the electrical plug, or why he cant have two cookies. So we are dealing with that right now.
Like I said Matthew started classes up again. He is still working at the college and seems to be doing well. He was named to the President's List at MCC for maintaining a 4.0 GPA for his summer classes. He was VERY proud of that!
We are looking forward to going on vacation in November to WDW. And planning is underway for that trip. I am ready for some time off work, I am NOT looking forward to leaving the mister Haydens behind. But we all decided that he is just too young this time around. So his 1st trip may be in 2011. Thanks to our final PFD, we should be able to raise the funds in time to go.
Cant believe its September which means its almost time for hockey to start up again. We are pretty excited for that I haven't been to a live game since December or January... I think that is everything. Nothing too new. I'll try to keep up better but work and Hayden monopolize much of my time!

I have almost lived through Hayden and Matthew being gone. The first day was really rough. But I spent last night at Mom and Dad's so that helped. And this morning I slept until 8:30!!! Maybe being by myself isn't so bad after all. It is just so quiet. And I miss Misters' laugh. Coming home from work and he wasn't at the top of the stairs laughing and smiling because I was home... That was hard. But they will be home tomorrow sometime. Mom and I are going shopping in Davenport so that will eat up the day until they get home. Misters' tee shirts are starting to be little small on him. I think he needs an 18 month size. So I am going to go try and find some clothes for him. And thanks to Vicki, I have been craving some soup, salad and breadsticks. I still need to clean the bathroom which is what I am avoiding right now. But the bathtub is pretty gross. I hate giving Hayden a bath in it... so I have to do that. And I need to go get Hayden a couple Camelbak water bottles. He will only use our big water bottles to drink out of. He does well with a straw but he does AWEsome with our water bottles so I am going to go get him a couple that are small enough that he can carry them around. They sell them at Scheels. So I have to go to Coralville, but I hate that its raining. So I will clean the bathroom and hopefully it will lighten up by the time I am done. And while I am there I might as well get some ice cream...LOL.

I am having fatigue day today. It has been awhile since I have had a bad one. Its a hard thing to explain, but it helps when your boss has a DIL who also has MS, so she gets it when I have an off day. It is, otherwise, a very difficult thing to explain to someone who has no experience with this type of fatigue. Its different from being tired, or worn out even. Its like a total and complete lack of energy to do anything even as small as blinking, so it becomes a conscious effort to do even the smallest thing which takes more effort than you have energy for, its a vicious cycle. And here I am wasting my time typing. I am just hoping to highest hopes that we are not busy today. Or in the very least I am hoping that everyone will do their own work so I don't have to exert too much effort. Here's hoping.

Misters is already improving so much. If you haven't heard, he has his first ear infection, just in his right ear. He has amoxicillin and it seems to be helping him already! He never really exhibited the "classic" ear infection symptoms like fever or ear tugging, he was just kinda whiny and slept a lot and had a running nose which is how he acts when he is teething, so I didn't think too much of it. Till his eye got gunky and then I started to worry. So anyway, he is already VASTLY improving and seems to be in a much better mood. And in my defense, he WAS teething cuz his other top tooth FINALLY came in! we've been waiting FOREVER for it to pop through and it finally did! But he is much happier now. Even the daycare lady noticed yesterday. They wrote on his paper for yesterday that he had a "great day". Matthew had to explain that what they experienced was the REAL Hayden. The one that isn't teething and doesn't have a raging (aka:mild) one ear infection. LOL

I guess it has been awhile since I have posted anything. I don't really have much to post about lately. Just busy working and squeezing in as much time with my boys as I can. I haven't had a weekend with Matthew for almost 2 months now. We always have other things to do. I am trying to make a point of going to Mom and Dad's for lunch on Sundays.

We are taking the Misters to the doctor today, and by "we" I mean Matthew is taking him and I will be sitting anxiously waiting to hear what they have to say. He just hasn't been able to shake this cold and now his eyes keep getting all mattery. I suppose it was only a matter of time though, as much as he rubs his runny nose and then his eyes. So we will see what they say... hopefully it isn't anything... just a cold.

Matthew started English Comp today. This is the class he was dreading, but its better to take it now and get it over with so he can focus on Math come fall.

We got alot of weeding done yesterday, finally. I worked on the front, which was overgrown with clovers. Matthew worked on the back. He cleared out one of the back beds. He pulled out everything and planted his garden. He is very excited. So hopefully, we will have Sweet Corn, Beets (for me), Squash and Sugar Baby watermelon. He worked VERY hard yesterday so I am hoping that everything will come up.

Edit: Hayden has an ear infection in his right ear.

Well, lets see. I don't really know what I have to talk about. I had a nice Mother's Day. We went out to Mom and Dad's and had lunch and made chocolate ice cream (Yummy!) I was pretty upset that Mom's present didn't come in time, but there isn't much I can do about it. Saturday I FINALLY went to the DMV and got my license changed over. It was kinda sad for me. It was that one little string that was tying me to Alaska was snipped. Granted, I have one more FANTASTIC tie to AK, which would be my Misters. But he is tied, not me, and it was like that license was MY last connection. So it was pretty sad to let that go. But I must move on. Its what I have wanted to do for so long now, and now I have to actually do it. But it is nice to have it done so I can stop thinking about it.

Work is going really well. I enjoy it. And I don't dread coming to work every morning, which is a change for me! If I do have to leave I think I will be really sad. Matthew starts classes next week, so Mister is about to go to Daycare. I still hate the idea of it, but I have no choice and it does seem like an ok place and Cassie says she has heard nothing but good things about it, so that was another mark in the pro column. Really, I haven't heard anything bad either, not that I think about it. I guess we are just starting a new stage in our lives. I am excited that he will be spending more time with my Mom. He just loves her so much. I had several people comment on Sunday about how much he lights up when he sees her (She was up front singing in the choir) As soon as he spotted her he just giggled and smiled... It was really adorable. I was feeling especially emotional, being Mother's Day, holding my son...and then the choir started sining "Go in Love" and I went from smiling to crying in a blink of an eye. I hadn't expected that it would affect me quite that dramatically. I mean it wasn't the first time I have heard it since Grandpa's funeral, but it was hearing for the first time, with Hayden in my arms. Knowing how much Grandpa would have adored my son...I just lost it. So I apologize to Nicole, who lost it, cuz I did...Unfortunately she was up there trying to sing...

Anyway... I guess that all. Most of this was ramblings anyway. OH! if you want to see some videos, Matthew has posted some on his blog, so hop on over there to see those!