70 Pounds: A Look Back in Order to Move Forward

I have been working on this post for awhile in my head, but I am really just not sure what I want to say, so I decided to start typing and the words would come.


I will start here, I have been overweight my entire life. Well, maybe I was ok before the second grade, but after that it was all down hill. It never really effected me in a social way, I guess. I was (and am) pretty outgoing. I don't remember anyone ever teasing me (to my face anyway). I went to a private school through the 8th grade and we were a pretty close knit group of girls, so I know that helped. That group of girls really shaped my perception of myself in a positive way. I never felt left out or ostracized for my weight. I did that to myself. To this day, I am friends with most of the girls from grade school. High school was a different story. We moved into the public school system and things changed. I still had my core group of friends, but I could feel the judgements that go along with High School and the pressures to 'fit in' and be 'perfect'. I wish I could go back and tell my Freshman Self that all those 'perfect' girls have self image issues,too. I remember getting my learners' permit when I was 14. I lied about about my weight, because I didn't want my permit to say that I weighed 212 lbs. I remember the number as clearly as if it was yesterday. And I also lied about my weight when I was 16. I don't have a clue what I was at at that point but the fake number was 220, so more than that. At 16. Still, I never felt badly about myself. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with MS that I began to feel like something was wrong with me. Not because i was heavy, but because I was sick. My senior year of high school brought me Matthew. He saved me in more ways than one. He accepted me and loved me despite everything... He never saw the weight, he saw me. Even now when we were looking at older pictures to put in this post, he said to me "Baby, I don't remember you being that big. I just didn't see it." All he knew was that I wasn't happy. To say that, at 286 lbs, I was not happy was an understatement.


Things started to fall apart around 2006. A bad string of things happened, and I just kept falling deeper and deeper. The farther I fell, the more I ate. I tried to eat away the things that happened. I tried to hide behind the food, but when the food was gone, the problems were still there. I would eat more because I felt so bad about eating. It was a cycle I couldn't pull myself out of. It started effecting every aspect of my life. I was tired all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. I pulled away from Matthew because I was so disgusted with myself. How could he love me? How could he find me attractive? When he would tell me that he did, I would laugh and tell him that he didn't. How many times could I argue with him before he would stop telling me that... I cant give you an EXACT number of times, but it took about 9 years....


I had hit rock bottom in almost every aspect of my life. My one shining star throughout all of the darkness was Hayden. I knew that I had to make a change. For him. For my marriage, but more than those things, for myself. I knew I couldn't continue on like I had been, but I didn't know where to start. And like a sign for the heavens, I got an email from my sister, offering to buy me a BodyBugg. It was my start, it was the catalyst I needed to begin a change I so desprately wanted (and needed!) We all have that moment when we make the conscious, and finite decision to change our lives, and this was my moment. I knew that if I took her up on her offer then I would make it work, and in those moments, in the beginning, when I had given up before, I remembered how much money she had spent to help me, and I kept on going.


With my BodyBugg program, I was able to track all my calories: in and out. I bought a stationary bike and worked out in my basement and I started walking. I started making better choices. I cooked meals instead of eating out. I cut out pop, candy and mindless munching. When I eat, I eat with a purpose as fuel for my body. Soon I started losing weight. 37 weeks after I started my BodyBugg program, I have lost 73 pounds. I am so close to crossing over into the 100s which is a place I haven't been in more than a decade, and that is saying something when you are only 28.

Here are some things I have learned along the way:


You don't have to hate exercise. There are SO MANY different ways to get up and move, there IS one out there that you will enjoy. Try walking, biking, dancing, swimming, tennis, ping pong... the key is to get up and MOVE. Nothing will change if you just keep doing the exact same thing. If you don't like one thing, try something new. You may be surprised at what you enjoy. I NEVER thought I would be a runner, but I recently finished my third 5K race and am looking forward to 2011 because it will be my Year of Racing.


Logging your Food makes ALL the difference! Don't try to guess your portions. We live in a land of Super Sizing (our food and our waistlines). When I first started, I logged EVERYTHING I ate, even gum. As the months went on, I became lazy about logging my food and the scale slowed to a crawl. I wasn't losing what I wanted to, but I was exercising more. It all comes down to food. Keep your food log!


Your body will do what you tell it to, even if you don't think you can. Sometimes it is sheer will that keeps us going. Our body isn't the one in control of you. You control your body. Even when you think you can't run one more minute or do one more rep... you can, and you will if you tell your body to do it! Believe that you can. Your body is an amazing thing if you take care of it.




Listen to your body too! On the opposite side of the coin, your body will tell you when it is enough. Don't push it so far that you hurt yourself. If you are used to walking, and you want to push it and start running, start slow. This applies to all aspects of the journey.




Small changes over time are more effective. Starting small and easing into the lifestyle changes you want to make, will be more likely to stick than changing everything at once and becoming overwhelmed. Start small like just adding more water, or adding 10 minutes of exercise. Build on those small changes and make a foundation for good health.






Don't be afraid of slip ups, Be afraid of quitting. The only failure occurs when you stop trying. Don't berate yourself because you had a cookie (or 4). It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Don't give up, just learn from it, and move forward. Why did you eat the cookie? Were you bored? Stressed? Examine the trigger so that next time you can be more prepared to resist giving in.



You don't have to give up your favorite foods. Simply enjoy a little less of it. I could easily sit down and eat 5 pieces of taco pizza and a carton of Hagen Daas Coffee ice cream for supper and not bat an eye, but are 5 pieces really better than one? Nope, cuz there is guilt attached to 5. I will still have the occasional slice of pizza, but I find that I enjoy it more now, because it is a special treat, than simply something I stuffed down my throat.


Calories should be spent wisely. Use them like money. Is that food worth spending 300 of my calories on it? Not usually. By asking myself this question, I have found that while I eat LESS food now, the quality is so much higher! If I am going to use my calories on something, i want it to be worth it! I would much rather spend 400 calories on a piece of Maple glazed salmon, grilled zucchini kabobs and garlic red skin potatoes than on a single piece of taco pizza. And guess what, sometimes that piece of cheesecake IS worth the extra workout you have to do!

Its all about starting. You don't have to be first. You don't have to be perfect. The important thing is that you are out there DOING it. You are out there moving. It is the same philosophy that I apply to my races. I am not the fastest runner. I may have to crawl across the finish line, but I WILL finish. My time isn't important. I like to know it, but whether its a personal best or my slowest time, it doesn't matter to me. It is about being out there, running for me. Pushing myself farther than I thought I could go. It is about taking that first step and starting on your journey. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to lose the weight the fastest. You just have to keep going. Go farther than you think you can go. Push your preset boundries and see how how you can go. You may be surprised at what you can do.

I hope that by sharing the things I have learned, you can take a moment to reflect on your own journey to good health. Look at the differences (no matter how small they may appear to be) in yourself from the beginning of your journey to now... those small differences will begin to add up and start forming the new, healthier you. Use those lessons and work towards your goals! Sometimes we have to pause to reflect and reevaluate. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that Food Logs work, Water is an invaluable tool, and trying something new WON'T kill us (unless your something new is skydiving w/o a parachute [which I DO NOT endorse]).



Did losing 70 pounds fix all my problems? Not by a long shot, but in order to get to the root of my eating, I had to take an HONEST look at why I was using food to hide my feelings. I have had to learn to love myself, respect myself, and know that I am worth all of the sweat, sore muscles, and tears. I am not 100% there yet, but I am a work in progress. I can appreciate my strength, and admit my weaknesses. I have found healthier ways to deal with my stress (Hello, Zumba!) and I was forced to examine the real problems in my marriage. I have never felt better. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. My marriage is better than it has been in the last 10 years that we have been together. Did losing 70 pounds do all of that? No. Weight loss isn't the magic bullet that makes all of your problems disappear, but I believe that when you start putting in real, honest effort in improving your health, it forces you to confront the other things in your life as well, and in doing that, you can heal the wounds, fix the problems and move forward as a happier person. At least, that is what I have experienced. Every one's journey is different. I had to admit that I didn't think that I was worthy of love. I had to face those demons, reopen those wounds and figure out WHY I felt this way about myself. It was hard, to say the least, but I did it. Some days those feelings return, but I am more capable of dealing with those raw emotions now. I find that if I deal with the emotions and not try to bury them in a pint of ice cream, then I feel better about myself. Don't look for weight loss to be your magic bullet, but use the process to examine what it is the brought you to this point and where you want to go from here.



My hope is that I will shed the last 40 lbs. I want to become stronger runner. I want to do a Half Marathon. I want to pass on healthy habits and attitudes to my son. I have an amazing little boy and I want to be around to see the fantastic things that he is going to do in his life.

Milestones...postponed?

Why is it that every time I am close to reaching a new milestone, I find someway to ruin it? This week I had the potential to cross over into the teens, weight-wise, to reach 65 lbs lost and to drop into the 30% range on BMI. I am doubting that any of those things will happen this week. I don't feel like I got in any quality work outs. I mean I am sore from lifting, but as far as true aerobic workouts...I just don't feel that I had a good week. I know it is ok to have a low impact week, but I didn't really want it to happen this week. My leg still hurts (though I discovered that an elliptical doesn't bother it ((too Little too late on that discovery)) and I told Matthew that I would put i the effort to take it easy and let it heal before I threw myself back into serious workouts. Of course, I forgot about the importance of this week when I made that agreement.

Today I Looked in the Mirror...

and saw how far I still have to go.

Some days are good days, and I see the work I have put in, and the results that I have already gotten from that hard work. Today was a bad day, and I can only see the long road ahead of me. These are the days when I can't see anything but Fat Girl. These are the days I struggle and I wonder if this is worth it... If I'm worth it... I question my resolve and sometimes the carton of cookies that I passed up in the store is more appealing than the treadmill or the weights, and its a fight. I know this will never be easy. I know that it will become easi-ER but it will never be easy, not for me. I also know that KNOWING that it won't be easy is a major weapon on my side of this fight.

Today I Looked in the Mirror

.... and I looked strong. I am starting to look like an athlete. Today is my first 5K. It is just the first step.

Today I Looked in the Mirror...

...and HONESTLY thought I looked thin(ner). It wasn't a positive thought I was just telling myself because I WANTED to believe it. I saw my reflection and I saw the miles that I have walked, the weights I have lifted, the good fuel I have eaten, the cookies I have passed up... I was a good start to the day.

The Day Before Race Day

Who would've thought I would be nerve about doing the Eager Beaver? LOL. It makes me giggle. All those years I thought "Why would anyone get up and do that? For fun?" :) I did the route yesterday to be prepared. I was trying to decide where I would feel comfortable running and where I was going to walk. I have no intention of running the whole thing, but I will run part of it. I am going to rely on Vickie to keep me going on pace. My walking tends to slow down after I run a section so I will need her to push me, but I know she needs me too. But I was in no hurry yesterday and I walked it in about 45 minutes so at least I know I will be done in about 45 minutes. I don't know why I am so nervous. Vickie and I routinely walk 3-4 miles 5-6 times a week, so its nothing out of my comfort zone, except that it is timed, I suppose. When we walk its just us and now there will be lots of people there, but I think it is more the timed aspect than anything. Today is a rest and relaxation day. I am not going to the Y unless I feel like sitting in the Hot Tub, or Steam room or something. I walked yesterday, and I went and worked arms with Matthew last night so i am all set to force myself to take today off. My challenge today will be not feeling guilty about not exercising because if I feel guilty enough I will go and do it anyway and sabotage myself for tomorrow.

Fight of the Fat Girl

It seems that my longest and hardest battle of this journey is not going to be with food, or with exercise, but with the Fat Girl. When I look in the mirror, she is all I can see. I don't see this new person unless it is a picture that was taken. It is the opposite of what it used to be when I was big. I would look at myself and not see that Fat Girl, unless it was in a picture. Irony at its best, right? For a long time, I couldn't see where I had let myself go, but now it is all I CAN see. I wish I could see through her and see where I have come. Sometimes, I can see it. Like when I put on a tee shirt that used to be too small, and now fits. Or my over sized sweatshirts are actually oversized and comfy, instead of just 'fits'.

It is the battle inside my head that seems to be the hardest part for me. I don't have a problem with the working out anymore, because now I enjoy it, and I feel like I am missing something when I don't work out. The food is easier now, yes, I slip up, but its easier to not hold it against myself like I did. I can accept that I will slip up and I can just resolve to do better, and I do because I WANT to. When it comes to the Fat Girl Brain Battle...I seem to be struggling. Sometimes she comes back out and I cant control it. She makes me revert back to those feelings of being not good enough. She convinces me that I don't deserve this, and that I can't be loved at any size. I know that she has been in control for awhile now, because it has been having an effect on my relationship with Matthew again. I just have had such a hard time lately believing that he isn't just biding his time with me until he finds something better. You would think that 10 years together would convince me otherwise, but I don't think there is much logic in the Fat Girl's Battle tactics. I need better Battle Tactics. I am fighting to believe that I do deserve my life. I deserve to be happy in my life. I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. Why doesn't she want me to be happy with that? Why cant she just realize that all of the doubt and fear and negative feelings are her own doing? Why can't I just realize that it is my own doing? And why cant I realize that if I can do that damage, i can also fix it?

Today I looked in the mirror

and I saw progress. I saw a smaller tummy, thinner legs. I saw a glimpse of what I am becoming, and it felt good.

Why, yes, I am a chicken...

Ok, so I didn't go to swim class again last night. I tried. i had my bag with my suit. I brought clothes and underwear to change into afterwards. I had every intention of going. I stood in the changing room, frozen for about 20 minutes. Trying desperately to make myself go. To make myself change into my suit and just GO! 20 minutes and a few almost tears later, i chickened out and put on my gym clothes and hit the treadmills instead. I don't know what I am afraid of. The unknown I guess. i don't want to look foolish because I don't know where to go, or what to do. So I chickened out and walked instead. But as punishment for skipping yet another class, i made myself run. And would you believe it? I LIKED it. I have had the urge to run for awhile now, but I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't. I did 2 miles. i was feeling pretty good. I am a little sore today, which i don't mind, I just cant get over the fact that I actually LIKED running. I used to wonder why on earth you would run for fun, but I can see why now. i have known for awhile now that there was a runner buried deep down in me, under all this extra weight, and she is finally starting to break free. I will start slow. But I really want to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February, but I don't know if I will be ready for it by 2011, so I want to definitely do it in 2012. I just kind of hope I am not knocked up by then, which is a possibility... anyway, I just I am transitioning myself into becoming a runner. i am kind of excited about that idea. I would have NEVER thought of myself as a runner. I need to get a good brace for my knee cuz that is the only thing I can see standing between me and 16 miles. I am not afraid of the work it will take cuz it will help me on my fitness journey. I don't want my physical limitations keep me from doing everything I want to do! Anyway, the DPHM benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I can think of no better way to give my support to my Mom and Uncle Dan, and honor my Grandpa than by completing this challenge. By improving my life, my health, it is like I respect their lives enough not to continue wasting my own, which is what I have been doing. So in chickening out, I have found something so much more than I even knew to look for. WHO SAYS THINGS DON'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

It has been awhile...

...Since my last post. I have had a major milestone since then. Last Sunday I hit 60 pounds lost. For some reason, unknown to me, this resonates more deeply with me then the 50 pound mark did. I don't know why, but I am not going to argue either. I took Amanda's advice, when I felt like I had hit the wall, and changed things up. She told me the most important thing you can do when you feel stuck is to change up your routine, cuz it has, in fact, become routine. So that is what I have done. I have started lifting more, not as much as I probably should, but it is a start. Matthew and I have joined the Y because they have some great weight machines, and some classes that I would like to take like water aerobics and Zumba. I have yet to bring myself to go to the water aerobics class because I have 'first day of school' jitters. So hopefully, today, I will get past that and go to class. I just feel like the new kid, going into an established class... in a swimming suit.... Its like a bad dream. BUT the point is that EVERYONE is in a swimming suit and we are all there to exercise.



I am still not keeping track of my food like I should be. I want to put a bit more effort into doing that again. That is my new goal. Again. :) I still have yet to take my bike out cuz it has been so effing hot. I am a bit disappointed with that, but since I cant control the weather, I will wait until it cools off a bit. Until then, I need to come up with some sort of Y schedule. I don't like pawning Hayden off on Mom and Dad all the time, but I am not ready to leave him at the Y Play center. I know that I will have to eventually because Mom will not always be available to watch him, but I hate leaving him with strangers. I feel like I am abandoning him to be selfish, and while that may not be the truth, it is the truth in my head and that is all that matters.

Other than those things, nothing is really different. I have been pretty bummed about it being too hot to walk, lately. This heat is just annoying me! I have been tossing around the idea of walking the Eager Beaver in a couple weeks. Of course I am going to have to wak up early and that doesnt really appeal to me so much, but I thought it might be something I could do. Vickie says its only like 3 miles or something like that and we regularly do that distance anyway so I have been thinking about that. i supopose I need to make a decision rather quickly on that front.

I went to the doctor yesterday cuz I havent beenable to get over this sinus crap, and I didnt dread getting weighed in! That was, I believe, was a first! My BP was 116/70 which was VERY exciting! I don't remeber the last time my BP was 'normal.' So it was actually a good trip to the doctor. I dont have those very often. Mom was very excited for me. She told me that I probably saved myself from diabetes, and I know that she is right. I know that, and probably much worse, was in my near future. I dont have to fear going to the doctor anymore cuz I am too embarassed of my health.

So i guess I will try to be a little better about my updates, but until next time, here's to steps forward, major milestones, and (hopefully) overcoming fears.

Motivation

"Sometimes, though, you ask, "Why? Why try my hardest when it ends in disappointment? Why go through something when it's going to hurt? Why?"

Because it's going to be different this time! Because you can't accomplish anything that you give up on. Disappointments and failures happen to everyone. The difference between those who reach their goals and those who don't is staying motivated. If you're motivated, you'll keep going. If you keep going, eventually you'll reach your goal."

New Milestone

My 3.6 lb lost this week has pushed me past 50 lbs lost. I made a few changes this week that seemed to really help with my wall. I made more of an effort to eat breakfast, which I have not been doing the last couple of months. I know its important, but I am not hungry and I usually don't have time. This week I have just been throwing a bagel flat and my white chocolate peanut butter in my purse and toasting it at work, and eating on my first break. It seems to really be making a difference because by noon I am not famished and snacking on the candy! Vickie and I are also consistently doing at least 3 miles a night, sometimes four. I want to add in some serious strength training too. I know I have been saying that for awhile now, but I know it is something that I need to be doing! It may be this week, or next week, but i will be starting that soon too. This week I will add bike riding to the equation also so hopefully I will have another good week.

I do feel good. Its hard to really revel in my 50 lbs (which seems silly because its 50 POUNDS!!!!) because I have so far yet to go, but come on, its 50 pounds! And right before my birthday... Its bitter sweet, I guess. Why can't I feel better about this? I will. I know why, because I haven't gotten to really appreciate what I have accomplished. I still see that other person when I look in the mirror. The fact that this new person is still wearing, and hiding in, the clothes of that other person doesn't help. But right now I still have the need to hide. I am starting to want to be more... visible, I guess, but I am still hiding, and I know it.

Mom and I went shopping today for my birthday. It was a bit disappointing. I needed denim capris (my first mistake) and I couldn't find any in my new size anywhere. I guess when you are suddenly the same size as a lot of other people, your clothes selection becomes smaller. I did find a pair at Dress Barn (sz 16!) and a REALLY cute top that I will probably wear on my birthday. And I found a couple tops at Old Navy that really were cute, cuz they make my waist look small and my boobs look big so that is a bonus! LOL. I got a couple pairs of new walking pants since Vickie informed me that I REALLY needed to invest in some smaller pants, so I did. There was a REALLY cute pair at JC Penny's that I wanted but they were just a bit too small. I could have gotten them, but they wouldn't have fit for another month or so (maybe less depending on how the changes pay off.) So I guess it wasn't all that disappointing overall, more targeted towards Kohls. Last time we went there I ound all kinds of stuff. It IS the end of the season though, so I shouldn't be all that surprised. I suppose that is how it goes though, sometimes you hit big and sometime you don't find anything. The important thing is that I had a fun day with Mom and Hayden, I have lost 50 pounds, Saturday is my birthday, and I feel really good.

Fat Girl

I still feel like that fat girl. I have been focusing so much on the issues that got me to where I was, but I have given no thought to where I am trying to go. No thought to how I move past seeing that fat girl in my mirror. I know she is gone, she is disappearing from my body, but not from my eyes. I don't know how to dress this new person. I am still buying baggy clothes, only in smaller sizes. I am pretty sure I could have gone a size smaller than I did, but its like I am scared to. I still have to hide. I am still afraid. Afraid of failing. Its starting to get to me. I think its the reason (or one of the reasons) behind my plateau. I am tiny steps away from a major milestone and its like I am trying to keep myself from reaching it, and that makes me mad at myself for doing it.


I am hoping that getting this bike will be the push I need to get over this hurdle. It is so much more than a bike right now. I know it probably sounds silly to you. Here is why:

I have had so many things taken from me that I had no control over and for a very long time I thought that riding a bike was one of them. To someone who doesn't, and hopefully will never, have to involuntarily give something like that up, it may seem like such a small, silly thing, but to me it is not. It is representative of the things that I will never be able to do again. Things I enjoyed doing, like rolling blading, for example. I don't have a sense of balance. I guess more accurately a very poor sense of balance. I struggle everyday to keep my own body under control. I have troubles with my right leg when I get tired. It is very apparent when I am out walking and we are getting towards the end of the three miles. My right leg... I have to concentrate to lift it up high enough that I don't trip. So these small things are not all that small to me, but they are things that a 'normal' person doesn't have to think twice about because they don't have trouble making sure their foot leaves the ground enough that they don't trip, and I am glad that people don't have to deal with it. So still being able to ride a bike...it means that I still have some control over my body. I can still do the things I like to do. I do have control over my body, even when I feel like I don't, and I think this extends beyond my MS into my weight loss efforts too. I do have control over my body, my choices and my weight. I have to stop being afraid of it. Stop being afraid of failure. Stop being afraid of losing things that I cant control and start owning the things I CAN control.

I feel like I have hit a wall. I still have this burning desire to march forward, but I don't know how to get past this wall. I feel like I am ever trudging onward but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. For the past month, I have kind of just been stagnant. I haven't gained anything, I am losing 1 or 2 pounds a week, which is fine, but not how I want to be going. I am trying to push myself a little harder, but I cant get past this sweet tooth that has re-emerged. And the thing is, sweets give me a stomach ache now, but I cant stop myself from eating them. Sabotage. Self-induced. Its a battle with myself. am still winning, just barely. Small victories are still victories, at least that is what I am telling myself anyway.

Taking control

This week I have taken a huge step forward and I have taken a bit more control in my life. I did something that I was scared to do, but I was tired of hiding from what I perceived the problem to be. It is not something that I want to get into except to say it has been something that I have been worrying about for quite a few weeks now. It is something that I think was really throwing off my focus. The stress caused was fueling my sweet tooth. I had fallen off the Bugg wagon so to say in that I wasn't keeping track of my food. I haven't been drinking my water, and my results were starting to show it. At this point I would have given up. I would have given in the the problem. I would have tried to eat it away. Shoved all the stress and hurt down with food and then hope that the problem would just disappear. Instead, on Monday, I faced it head on and confronted it. I put the wheels in motion for resolution instead of hiding behind an ice cream sandwich or something. I realized that no matter how much I eat, eventually the food will be gone, but the problem will still be there. No matter how much I eat, the food would disappear, but the stress and the hurt wouldn't. How is that for growth? I am pretty darn proud of myself. I have hopped back on the wagon. I am drinking my water and logging my food. Now if the stupid rain would stop so I could go walk, I would be able to look for this to be a pretty good week. Why cant it rain during the day while I am at work and then clear up at night? Why does it have to be the other way around? It is really starting to piss me off! Vickie said i could come with her to her gym and use the treadmills there. I may take her up on it. I just wish I could afford my own treadmill. Matthew says Sears had some nice ones for under $1000. So maybe I will start there. Why do they have to be so expensive?

I looked in the mirror today...

and thought "I look pretty today."

I have past 40 pounds since February. I am at 41.4 I believe, or it could be .6 I don't really remember as it was the 40 lbs that caught my eye. It seems like a large number. And I am really starting to be able to see it in myself. Like I said in a past post, I hadn't really been able to see what people were complimenting me on, but I graciously accepted the compliments (a large achievement for me!) because if people were noticing then I must be doing something right! But I can see it now. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my arms, my hips... If I flex, you can see my muscles. Matthew says that he can see a difference. I think that when my arms get smaller, they will be impressive! I feel so much better about me. I am really starting to feel a pride in what I am doing. But I am still having trouble getting back on my food log wagon. I need to start logging what I eat again! I know that I do, but its like I am trying to find a reason, an excuse, for failing. Again. If I have something to blame my failure on, other than myself, then I have a scapegoat. But I don't want to have a a scapegoat. I don't want to fail! There is just a mental block in the way that I cant break down. I have to stop saying "can't", I CAN break it down but I have to figure out why I WON'T break through it. Because its easier not to. I'm tired of easy. I want to put in the work, because it is more likely to stick, and last because I worked so hard to achieve it!

I have fallen off the food log wagon, and it is showing. I lost only a pound last week and I know it is because I am not drinking enough water and because I am not tracking what I eat. I haven't been walking as much so I am not hitting my burn. I am messing up. I know that the important part is not that I have slacked off, its that I get back on track. I haven't jumped back on yet. I don't know what is stopping me. I guess I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff with Matthew and it is hard to deal with both. I know that's a cop out. And its a weak, stupid reason for slacking, but its the one I seem to be using. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I want to admit that yeah I'm going through some shit, but that doesn't mean that I cant deal with my problems and take care of myself! I should be strong enough to be able to do that! I AM strong enough to do that. I owe it to myself to take care of me. I owe it to myself. I should respect myself at least that much. So then why is it so hard? Why do I always try to give up? I don't want to. I don't want to give up. I am so afraid to fail. And there's the truth rearing its ugly head. I am afraid to fail, so if I quit before I can fail, then I have the power. But quitting is the only true way to fail in this journey. As long as I keep going forward, yes there will be setbacks, like this week, but as long as I push on how can I see that as a failure?

Milestones

So I got my 30 pounds last week. We were away from home for the weekend but we brought the scale along. I lost 3 pounds last week and got my 30 lbs lost. This week I lost 5 lbs. and that took me under 250. I debated on whether or not to proclaim that cuz I know y'all can do math and figure my starting weight, which I am pretty ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of my progress, so I dont want to hide how far I have come, and since my plans do not involve ever seeing that numer again, I think its ok. And given the emotional weeks I have been having lately, 8 pounds in two weeks is pretty awesome. I love walking, and it is making a huge difference in making my calorie burn. I can definately tell the days I do not walk, and I get kind of bummed when I dont get to go. It has become my "Me Time". I am doing this for me, otherwise I would have quit by now. That’s the difference this time, I think. When I work out its my time, its for me. Its when I can leave everything else for an hour, or whatever, and its just for me. That’s why I like walking cuz I can get out and I have my iPod on and its just me, for me, about me. Not Matthew, or Hayden, because for every other waking moment I am doing everything for them, because they are my family and that’s what I want to do. But for that hour I get to be selfish, and you know what, I like it! So here is to another new week. A new milestone to reach. And maybe, just maybe, some new pants, too.

Walking

I have started walking in the evenings. I really like it and it is an easy way to burn calories. We'll see how it goes when it gets hot out, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks to walking I am hitting my calorie burn basically everyday. And I am getting my step target in too, shockingly. I have come a long way. Today, for example, Matthew had class stuff to do at the college so he wasn't here, and Hayden was tired and whiney. So I laid him down and let him chill for a bit, which seemed to help his mood immensely, but instead of using Hayden as an excuse to NOT go walking, we went together. We saw lots of cars and every truck we saw was "Daddy's Truck" The Old Emily would have used that excuse to not do it, but today I was truly disappointed when I thought Hayden's mood would prevent me from going for my walk. This week has been very emotional and stressful so I dont have real high hopes for the scale, but I think that decision makes up for any possible lack in my goal or the scale this week. Which as I previously mentioned I have retracted as an official goal and downgraded it to an added bonus.