70 Pounds: A Look Back in Order to Move Forward

I have been working on this post for awhile in my head, but I am really just not sure what I want to say, so I decided to start typing and the words would come.


I will start here, I have been overweight my entire life. Well, maybe I was ok before the second grade, but after that it was all down hill. It never really effected me in a social way, I guess. I was (and am) pretty outgoing. I don't remember anyone ever teasing me (to my face anyway). I went to a private school through the 8th grade and we were a pretty close knit group of girls, so I know that helped. That group of girls really shaped my perception of myself in a positive way. I never felt left out or ostracized for my weight. I did that to myself. To this day, I am friends with most of the girls from grade school. High school was a different story. We moved into the public school system and things changed. I still had my core group of friends, but I could feel the judgements that go along with High School and the pressures to 'fit in' and be 'perfect'. I wish I could go back and tell my Freshman Self that all those 'perfect' girls have self image issues,too. I remember getting my learners' permit when I was 14. I lied about about my weight, because I didn't want my permit to say that I weighed 212 lbs. I remember the number as clearly as if it was yesterday. And I also lied about my weight when I was 16. I don't have a clue what I was at at that point but the fake number was 220, so more than that. At 16. Still, I never felt badly about myself. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with MS that I began to feel like something was wrong with me. Not because i was heavy, but because I was sick. My senior year of high school brought me Matthew. He saved me in more ways than one. He accepted me and loved me despite everything... He never saw the weight, he saw me. Even now when we were looking at older pictures to put in this post, he said to me "Baby, I don't remember you being that big. I just didn't see it." All he knew was that I wasn't happy. To say that, at 286 lbs, I was not happy was an understatement.


Things started to fall apart around 2006. A bad string of things happened, and I just kept falling deeper and deeper. The farther I fell, the more I ate. I tried to eat away the things that happened. I tried to hide behind the food, but when the food was gone, the problems were still there. I would eat more because I felt so bad about eating. It was a cycle I couldn't pull myself out of. It started effecting every aspect of my life. I was tired all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. I pulled away from Matthew because I was so disgusted with myself. How could he love me? How could he find me attractive? When he would tell me that he did, I would laugh and tell him that he didn't. How many times could I argue with him before he would stop telling me that... I cant give you an EXACT number of times, but it took about 9 years....


I had hit rock bottom in almost every aspect of my life. My one shining star throughout all of the darkness was Hayden. I knew that I had to make a change. For him. For my marriage, but more than those things, for myself. I knew I couldn't continue on like I had been, but I didn't know where to start. And like a sign for the heavens, I got an email from my sister, offering to buy me a BodyBugg. It was my start, it was the catalyst I needed to begin a change I so desprately wanted (and needed!) We all have that moment when we make the conscious, and finite decision to change our lives, and this was my moment. I knew that if I took her up on her offer then I would make it work, and in those moments, in the beginning, when I had given up before, I remembered how much money she had spent to help me, and I kept on going.


With my BodyBugg program, I was able to track all my calories: in and out. I bought a stationary bike and worked out in my basement and I started walking. I started making better choices. I cooked meals instead of eating out. I cut out pop, candy and mindless munching. When I eat, I eat with a purpose as fuel for my body. Soon I started losing weight. 37 weeks after I started my BodyBugg program, I have lost 73 pounds. I am so close to crossing over into the 100s which is a place I haven't been in more than a decade, and that is saying something when you are only 28.

Here are some things I have learned along the way:


You don't have to hate exercise. There are SO MANY different ways to get up and move, there IS one out there that you will enjoy. Try walking, biking, dancing, swimming, tennis, ping pong... the key is to get up and MOVE. Nothing will change if you just keep doing the exact same thing. If you don't like one thing, try something new. You may be surprised at what you enjoy. I NEVER thought I would be a runner, but I recently finished my third 5K race and am looking forward to 2011 because it will be my Year of Racing.


Logging your Food makes ALL the difference! Don't try to guess your portions. We live in a land of Super Sizing (our food and our waistlines). When I first started, I logged EVERYTHING I ate, even gum. As the months went on, I became lazy about logging my food and the scale slowed to a crawl. I wasn't losing what I wanted to, but I was exercising more. It all comes down to food. Keep your food log!


Your body will do what you tell it to, even if you don't think you can. Sometimes it is sheer will that keeps us going. Our body isn't the one in control of you. You control your body. Even when you think you can't run one more minute or do one more rep... you can, and you will if you tell your body to do it! Believe that you can. Your body is an amazing thing if you take care of it.




Listen to your body too! On the opposite side of the coin, your body will tell you when it is enough. Don't push it so far that you hurt yourself. If you are used to walking, and you want to push it and start running, start slow. This applies to all aspects of the journey.




Small changes over time are more effective. Starting small and easing into the lifestyle changes you want to make, will be more likely to stick than changing everything at once and becoming overwhelmed. Start small like just adding more water, or adding 10 minutes of exercise. Build on those small changes and make a foundation for good health.






Don't be afraid of slip ups, Be afraid of quitting. The only failure occurs when you stop trying. Don't berate yourself because you had a cookie (or 4). It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Don't give up, just learn from it, and move forward. Why did you eat the cookie? Were you bored? Stressed? Examine the trigger so that next time you can be more prepared to resist giving in.



You don't have to give up your favorite foods. Simply enjoy a little less of it. I could easily sit down and eat 5 pieces of taco pizza and a carton of Hagen Daas Coffee ice cream for supper and not bat an eye, but are 5 pieces really better than one? Nope, cuz there is guilt attached to 5. I will still have the occasional slice of pizza, but I find that I enjoy it more now, because it is a special treat, than simply something I stuffed down my throat.


Calories should be spent wisely. Use them like money. Is that food worth spending 300 of my calories on it? Not usually. By asking myself this question, I have found that while I eat LESS food now, the quality is so much higher! If I am going to use my calories on something, i want it to be worth it! I would much rather spend 400 calories on a piece of Maple glazed salmon, grilled zucchini kabobs and garlic red skin potatoes than on a single piece of taco pizza. And guess what, sometimes that piece of cheesecake IS worth the extra workout you have to do!

Its all about starting. You don't have to be first. You don't have to be perfect. The important thing is that you are out there DOING it. You are out there moving. It is the same philosophy that I apply to my races. I am not the fastest runner. I may have to crawl across the finish line, but I WILL finish. My time isn't important. I like to know it, but whether its a personal best or my slowest time, it doesn't matter to me. It is about being out there, running for me. Pushing myself farther than I thought I could go. It is about taking that first step and starting on your journey. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to lose the weight the fastest. You just have to keep going. Go farther than you think you can go. Push your preset boundries and see how how you can go. You may be surprised at what you can do.

I hope that by sharing the things I have learned, you can take a moment to reflect on your own journey to good health. Look at the differences (no matter how small they may appear to be) in yourself from the beginning of your journey to now... those small differences will begin to add up and start forming the new, healthier you. Use those lessons and work towards your goals! Sometimes we have to pause to reflect and reevaluate. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that Food Logs work, Water is an invaluable tool, and trying something new WON'T kill us (unless your something new is skydiving w/o a parachute [which I DO NOT endorse]).



Did losing 70 pounds fix all my problems? Not by a long shot, but in order to get to the root of my eating, I had to take an HONEST look at why I was using food to hide my feelings. I have had to learn to love myself, respect myself, and know that I am worth all of the sweat, sore muscles, and tears. I am not 100% there yet, but I am a work in progress. I can appreciate my strength, and admit my weaknesses. I have found healthier ways to deal with my stress (Hello, Zumba!) and I was forced to examine the real problems in my marriage. I have never felt better. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. My marriage is better than it has been in the last 10 years that we have been together. Did losing 70 pounds do all of that? No. Weight loss isn't the magic bullet that makes all of your problems disappear, but I believe that when you start putting in real, honest effort in improving your health, it forces you to confront the other things in your life as well, and in doing that, you can heal the wounds, fix the problems and move forward as a happier person. At least, that is what I have experienced. Every one's journey is different. I had to admit that I didn't think that I was worthy of love. I had to face those demons, reopen those wounds and figure out WHY I felt this way about myself. It was hard, to say the least, but I did it. Some days those feelings return, but I am more capable of dealing with those raw emotions now. I find that if I deal with the emotions and not try to bury them in a pint of ice cream, then I feel better about myself. Don't look for weight loss to be your magic bullet, but use the process to examine what it is the brought you to this point and where you want to go from here.



My hope is that I will shed the last 40 lbs. I want to become stronger runner. I want to do a Half Marathon. I want to pass on healthy habits and attitudes to my son. I have an amazing little boy and I want to be around to see the fantastic things that he is going to do in his life.

Why, yes, I am a chicken...

Ok, so I didn't go to swim class again last night. I tried. i had my bag with my suit. I brought clothes and underwear to change into afterwards. I had every intention of going. I stood in the changing room, frozen for about 20 minutes. Trying desperately to make myself go. To make myself change into my suit and just GO! 20 minutes and a few almost tears later, i chickened out and put on my gym clothes and hit the treadmills instead. I don't know what I am afraid of. The unknown I guess. i don't want to look foolish because I don't know where to go, or what to do. So I chickened out and walked instead. But as punishment for skipping yet another class, i made myself run. And would you believe it? I LIKED it. I have had the urge to run for awhile now, but I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't. I did 2 miles. i was feeling pretty good. I am a little sore today, which i don't mind, I just cant get over the fact that I actually LIKED running. I used to wonder why on earth you would run for fun, but I can see why now. i have known for awhile now that there was a runner buried deep down in me, under all this extra weight, and she is finally starting to break free. I will start slow. But I really want to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February, but I don't know if I will be ready for it by 2011, so I want to definitely do it in 2012. I just kind of hope I am not knocked up by then, which is a possibility... anyway, I just I am transitioning myself into becoming a runner. i am kind of excited about that idea. I would have NEVER thought of myself as a runner. I need to get a good brace for my knee cuz that is the only thing I can see standing between me and 16 miles. I am not afraid of the work it will take cuz it will help me on my fitness journey. I don't want my physical limitations keep me from doing everything I want to do! Anyway, the DPHM benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I can think of no better way to give my support to my Mom and Uncle Dan, and honor my Grandpa than by completing this challenge. By improving my life, my health, it is like I respect their lives enough not to continue wasting my own, which is what I have been doing. So in chickening out, I have found something so much more than I even knew to look for. WHO SAYS THINGS DON'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

Am I Worth This? (Pt 4)

Failure. Is that what I am afraid of? Short answer is yes. I am terrified of failure. I don't think that the things I do are up to the level that I believe they should be. I constantly compare myself to other people, believing that this is the only way i can know how I stack up. And, in my eyes, I never do. Its not good enough. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I would compare myself to my friends. What did they have that I didn't have? I compared myself to my sister. I was never smart enough to compete with her. I remember she was ranked first in her class or something academic like that and mom and dad got her a card and told her how proud they were of her. I don't even remember exactly what it said but something about me and Lew feeling pressure to live up to her standards. It could have said something entirely different than that, but all I know is that is what I retained in my head. To me, at that time, it could have just said "Suck it, Emily. You aren't good enough."



Call it middle child syndrome, Inferiority Complex, whatever you call it, I don't see myself as being good enough. I don't think I am worthy of Matthew. When he started working out and got all big and buff, I was embarrassed to go places with him, because I looked the way I did, and he looked so good. He put so much work into his body, and I did nothing. I could see the judgement in people's eyes (real or not) that asked "why is he with her?" And I ask myself that to this day. In the back of my mind I still have that nagging thought that he will find someone prettier than me. Fitter than me. Better than me. Now matter how happy we may appear to the casual observer, I still think that people look at us and wonder how he could be with me.



I don't look at myself and believe that I deserve to have the things that I want. So when I ask the question "Am I worth this?" I cant answer it yes. I want to, with my being, but I cant. I cant truthfully anyway. I want to believe it, I do. It goes back to the cycle I am trying to break, because it is something that I want, but as I said, I don't really believe I deserve the things that I want. This is the cycle that I am trying to break.

I need to stop saying that I "can't" do something. I CAN, I KNOW that I can, its that I won't. Am I trying to sabotage myself? Its a good possibility, but I am aware of it now. I can see that is what I am doing, where before I didn't care enough to look. That is growth. That is progress. As long as I keep moving forward and fighting against the internal forces that are continually trying to convince me to give up, trying to convince me that I am not good enough, or worth this effort that I am putting forth, then most of the battle is won. The hard part about this now, is what I am trying to do here, examining inward, and opening painful wounds in order to finally allow them to heal. I know there will be battle scars but they will eventually become markers of where I have been and how far I have come, and to the place I don't ever want to return.

Am I Worth This? (Pt 3)

Ok, this may be the one that you don't want to read. It is not going to be graphic or anything, but if you don't want to be confronted with the truth that Matthew and I have sex then you need to know that I am going to go in that direction. It is time for me to sort through that aspect of my downward spiral.

So I am in the midst of this cycle of eating and feeling bad about myself. I cant really even be honest with me about what i am doing to myself... How can I possibly be honest with what I am doing to Matthew? Please understand that I love my husband more than my own life, but how can I think that means very much when I treat my body (and in doing so, my own life) with such disrespect? If there is one person in this world who truly accepted my for who I am, no matter my size, it was, and still is, Matthew. I know that he wants me to be healthy, and he wants me to be happy, and he knows that I am neither of those things. It was only until recently that he has really expressed any desire for me to lose weight, and that was only because he knew that I wanted to and he would support me no matter what. This isn't the problem.

The problem lies with me. If I couldn't love myself, how was I to expect that anyone else could love me? If I was disgusted by how I looked, how could he not be? So when he told me that I was pretty or sexy...I didn't believe that he meant it. I flat out didn't believe him. So I would laugh when he said it, or would brush it off as nonsense. It hurts me to think about what that was doing to him. I mean if every time I said something, the person I loved basically called me a liar, I would just stop saying it. And so he did. There was a wall between us that my insecurities and self hatred built up. Last month, on our 10th anniversary, the wall that I constructed, that I had built brick by self hating brick pushed him away. He said it wasn't me, and that he needed a break...but I knew. I knew what I had done. I let my weight come between me and the one person who never cared what I looked like. I know that I have been going through this transformation for a couple months by that point, but it was all outward. I didn't dare take the risk to open the floodgates and examine the deeper wounds...

That is why I have started this series, to examine those things that have brought me to the lowest place of my life. I thought he was going to leave. I had pushed him away one too many times. I didn't blame him, but I also wasn't going to give up without a fight. So here I am trying to find out why I am so convinced that no one could possibly love me. The logical part of my brain knows that that is not true, but logic didn't get me to 286 pounds. There I said it. Out loud. Now you know. 14 pounds shy of 300. That is where all this self loathing has gotten me. To a point where I didn't want my husband to touch me. To touch this disgusting body. I would cringe. Cringe when my husband would touch me. How did I expect a marriage to survive that? It wasn't. It wasn't surviving, it was barely even a marriage. We were roommates. Roommates who had a kid together. I wasn't happy and I guess I was hellbent on making sure no one else was either.

I am happy to report that a month later, we are doing much better, because I feel better about myself. I am proud of the work I have done so far. And it isn't even that I look better... to be honest, I don't really even see it yet. I look in the mirror and I still see the same person I always saw. But it is the way I FEEL. When I push on and do 3 miles instead of just 2. When I am satified with a piece of salmon and some asparagus instead of cheesey pasta and 3 brownies, one after supper and two more when no one was looking. These are things that I am proud of. And though I can't stand in front of the mirror and look myself in the eye and say "I am happy." or "You ARE beautiful." or "I am SO worth this!" I can say "I am happier." or "I feel better" or "Yes, I can do this" and those are huge steps forward, and tiny steps away from the others.

I am ok with Matthew touching me. I have even learned to let go of my insecurities and enjoy it again. I know he is still leery that I will push him away again and patch up the wall, but I am tearing that down brick by confident brick, because I don't need to protect myself from him. I never needed to, I only THOUGHT I did. What I needed protection from was myself. So I am going to tear down this wall, bask in the figurative calories burned while I do it, I am going to grab on to his hand and hold on with all I am and take him along with me on this journey. I know he will pick me up when I fall. I know he will celebrate my victories, and he will help me to see that my setbacks aren't so bad after all. He will push me when I want to give up and he will love me even when I cant find the strength to love myself. And in the end, he will be there to show me that I was worth it all along. I just needed to see what he sees.

Maybe I am starting to.

Am I Worth This? (Pt 2)

So I left off with control. I went back and read a little bit of what I wrote and I found it interesting. I think that is the beauty of free writing, you just start writing, not really knowing where the topic will take you and eventually the truth will find its way out. I made a comment about not feeling like I have control over my life, and that comment surprised me. I don't really remember writing that. Anyway, the truth of it struck me. Somehow, during this journey, I want to find the power to take control of my life. I am so ruled by my emotions! Usually, its ok because my feelings about things are usually correct.

This self hatred that I have developed is leading to other even less desirable feelings that i have not experienced before. Jealousy for example. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I sure as hell am now. I hate that too, but I do not have the confidence in myself to trust that my husband wont leave me for someone prettier than me. That people have the shoes I want to be able to wear or the haircut that I cant pull off and I am jealous, and I hate the way that makes me feel. The logical side of my brain tells me to be happy with what I have, and longing after the things you cant have will not make me feel any better about myself. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Its that vicious cycle again. When I can buy that pair of shoes that I LOVE and not have to worry about them not coming in wide-width, that will be a glorious day for me and a detrimental one to my bank account! I want to look at myself with pride. I want to look at me and think, you look good. You did that. For you. And after 37 lbs lost I am starting to say that to myself. "You look good today." or "Hey, that picture is pretty good." Instead of "None of my clothes fit right" or "God, I look huge in that picture." Its a nice change.

I am hoping that I get to a point when I can be happy because of the work I am putting in. I want to feel proud of myself, and the changes I have made. I am starting to feel better. I feel good physically, better than I have in a long time. I feel more attractive which has made a difference between Matthew and I, which is a separate post which may be TMI for you so I will post a warning first. Not really detailed or anything but I imagine you don't really want to think about our private life, but it is a major issue and I will need to work through it just like everything else and like I said before this is more for me than it is for you. Anyhoo, I am hoping that there will come a day when I can truly say, "Yes, I am worth all of this work. I am worth loving. I am worth respect." And the only person I need to hear me say that, and believe me when I do, is me. I want to be able to say those things to me and I want to know that they are true. I'm not there yet.

Am I Worth This? (Pt 1)

This is a post that I have been going through in my brain for awhile now. It is going to be painful and it is going to take awhile to get it all out. There will be things that may surprise you and may not. I don't know. No offense, but I don't really care. This one isn't for you, its for me. Its for me to get this out of my head. I guess I could go to a shrink, but Blogger is free. There will be parts to this. I don't know if I will wait to publish it until I am done, going back and adding things along the way, or if I will publish it in parts entitled "Am I Worth This" which is the front runner at the moment. So I guess we'll call this Part 1. Its about what I think has brought me to this point. Subsequent entries will explore certain aspects in depth, but this is my jumping off point.



It isn't like I have never dieted before. And I have gotten some results, but never lasting. I have never been thin, maybe when I was a kid. I wish I knew what my BL "Trigger" was, but I haven't found it. Or maybe I don't want to admit to myself that it was a constant feeling of inadequacy. There is an Inadequate Personality Disorder that I am going to be doing some looking into, but I digress. I don't believe that it was any one's treatment of me that made me feel this way. Though I know there is one person who feels that she needs to carry that guilt, no matter what I may say. I never really knew my place. My siblings are both very intelligent, and I never felt like I could compare with that. I know now that if I hadn't limited my myself in thinking that I wasn't as smart as them than I would have seen that by doing that I prevented myself from reaching my true potential. I also think that I limited myself to being the fat, funny friend because that is where I thought I belonged. There was a time, I can remember it, when i felt pretty. And then I got sick. And I wasn't anymore, in my eyes. Now I was defective in a new way, a way that I had no control of. But isn't it funny how I have been able to cope with this invisible disease, this force over which I have no control, but it is the thing that I can actually DO something about that i allow to make me a victim? So It is this feeling that I can never be good enough that keeps me trapped in a body that I have come to hate. I shouldn't hate this body, its my only one, but look at how I have treated it! I am trying to find the strength to believe that I am more than what I have pigeon holed myself into. I know I could be more, but I don't really believe it yet, because I just have never known anything other than this:



I will pretend I am happy and as long as I can convince other people that I am happy than that means that I am.



That's a lie. It is a lie to myself, it is a lie to everyone around me. it is a lie to my family. I haven't been happy for a long time. And it has taken its toll on everything around me. Especially my marriage, but I don't want to get into that, cuz there is no reason to at this time. The only true joy I have had in my life had been Hayden. He saved me from the black hole that I was falling into. I will explore my Mommy feelings and that black hole more in depth, but for now I will just touch on it because I am getting bit off track from where I was wanting to go.



I have been developing and festering this growing self hatred for a long time. And as I got more unhappy with myself, I gained more weight, which made me feel even worse. It was a classic downward spiral into a hole I didn't know how to get out of. I don't remember ever feeling this badly about myself. I was always ok. Never good, but ok enough that I could function. I didn't think that I was pretty, I didn't FEEL pretty. I had a hard time taking compliments because I didn't believe them to be true, from anyone, including Matthew. How could that not take a toll? I ballooned. More than I had ever done before, and I knew it would just keep going. I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to jump off this run away car but I couldn't get myself to unfasten the belt and jump. Every time I tried something would push me back and I would give up again.



I wont say that in 4 months my self image has changed. Not completely. I have had to do a lot of looking inward. If BL has taught me anything its that there is a reason for being this overweight. Most people are NOT this overweight. And finding the trigger is part of the process. Finding that thing or things, that led you to this place is the only way to keep from going back. So that is what I am trying to do here, is finding my trigger, my reasons. I know that those feelings of not being good enough are definately part of it. Not good enough to take care of, not good enough to be loved, not good enough to be truly happy. Why? Why cant I be healthy? Why cant I be loved, mostly by me? Why cant I be happy? I can be if I allow myself to do so.

A lot of this also seems to be about control. I don't want to be a victim to my weight. I don't want to be a victim of my unhappiness. While I realize that these issues will still be here even when I DO lose the weight, and so this isn't a magic spell that will make me happy, but it is a process in discovering what it is that is preventing me from believing that I deserve everything that I want. I want to find control. I want to have power over my decisions and what I do or do not put into my body, and I don't feel like I have had that kind of control before. I think that is what is so great about the Bugg. It gives me the knowledge to be more aware of what goes into and out of my body, and having that knowledge gives me the power to exercise a bit more or eat a bit less or whatever the case may be.

Ok, That is enough for now. I have so much more to say, but I need time to sort my thoughts.