Cleaning

The second member of the Cleaning Crew was a bit more cooperative today so we got the upstairs vacuumed and Hayden's and our room cleaned. I didn't get to the bathroom upstairs yet, even though it is probably in the worst need of a good scrubbing. But I go the downstairs bathroom cleaned, it was in a close second. Since Matthew has an exercise this week, I am not going in to work, so this is my best chance to get it done. Oh, and I got the living room dusted, which needed to be done because it hasn't been done since my family got here. So I feel a bit better about getting some things done. I cant say it has calmed he down, but it has helped a bit cuz I am getting things down. I know that I am doing more than i think I am because I keep thinking about the huge picture before us, instead of taking it in sections like I should so I don't get overwhelmed. Which is what is happening. I have that drowning feeling again, but I keep telling myself that one MAJOR weight will be off my shoulders in 9 days. 9 days and this gets erased and I can live like a normal person again. You have NO idea how wonderful that feels. I want to do something special to celebrate... I just want to get this over with... 9 days. Anyway, I have laundry to do so I should go do that. The boys are both asleep, so now is the time to get something done. I am going to make Matthew a bit of lunch for tomorrow.

Stress

I think the stress of this transition is going to give me a heart attack. I cant sleep already, and with the crap going on with Merrill Lynch and stuff, it makes me even more worried about finding a place to live, and I am just really freaking out right now. And with the 24th coming up, I am worried that something is going to go wrong there and I cant find the paper with the phone number to me new "special friend" is cuz I got transferred again a couple of months ago, and I can't find where I put the paper with her contact info on it, so I'm only 85% sure of her name, and I am afraid to call the main office because they are always so mean to me. I know that this is important so I will eventually suck it up and call the office because I have turned this house upside sown trying to find that paper. And the worst part of it is that I said to myself, "I am putting it here, so I know where it is the next time I cant find it." And I have NO idea where that is. My fear is it got thrown away by mistake. Though I cant really believe I would do that. But hen of course I thought I would remember where I put it. But I had to be stupid last week and didn't mail my report in, I don't even remember when I did it, Thursday, I think, I don't even know, and it had to be there by today. So I need to call and make sure that it got there. I mean I could fax in another, just to be sure. Which I may end up doing, but I don't have anymore copies cuz I made just enough to get me through this month. So I have old ones for my last "special friend" but she was at a different address. I have just made a mess of this. And if it was any other month I wouldn't worry about it so much but it HAD to be the LAST one... I am just a ball of nerves right now. I cant remember the last time my eye WASN'T twitching, and my stomach is tied in knots. So instead of doing something, anything, I sit here and do nothing. Good plan, cuz that just makes me even sicker to my stomach.

EDIT: Alright, after my minor freak out, I called the office and left a message (I had her name right after all) I just asked for who I thought it was and hoped for the best. And I went upstairs to vacuum and start going through my closets (sorting out shoes into send home and donate piles, sort thru socks for the ones that are stretched out and holey, etc.) Anyway, I was looking through a purse that I had put a bunch of stuff in to sort out later and I found the paper I had lost and the original form, so I was EXTREMELY happy about that, and will fax in he form, for safe measure, when Hayden and I go to the BX after his nap. So I have some relief about that. The transition home will still keep me up at night, but at least I can do it as a citizen in good standing. LOL.

Bitches

And one of the downsides of MySpace. I have so far loved it because I have been able to keep in touch with people I wouldnt have otherwise. Which is now both a good thing, and a bad thing. Here's why:

Sunday we went to Outback for supper with Marcuz and Amelia and when we were waiting for our check one of the "girls" (I say girls instead of Bitch) from L.A. Style came in with her husband. I literally wanted to vomit. Not because of her, but because of the situation. I told this to Carrie (posted it in her comments on MySpace) (Carrie worked at the spa and quit after what they did to me) Anyway this girl saw the comment. Well, Carrie knows how I meant it, the situation not the girl part. Well thats not what the girl saw. So she messages me (which I dont know how cuz my profile is private so only my accepted friends can see my comments) and says that she "thinks its funny that stupid fat bitches stick together". And the part that makes me giggle a little about all this, is how absurd she has just become cuz she always goes on about the "haters" and how they are jusat jealous the success of the LA Style "brand" and blah, blah, blah. Which I find to be humorous cuz I NEVER said anything against HER, just about the situation that I am drowning in, but she comes back at me all defensive and insulting. Who's the hater now? This whole thing is just DRIPPING with irony (maybe not the right word, contradiction maybe works better than irony)! I think that it takes one to know one and she is in NO place to call anyone fat since she is quite over weight. No place to call anyone a bitch cuz she epitomizesthe word. And LEAST OF ALL should she be calling anyone stupid she she STILL WORKS FOR LORI!!! And calls Lori her hero and thanks her for all the good things that are happening in her life.

OMG, for being that stupid, you deserve whatever she does to you!

Friends

I am so happy I get to have my friends back. Now that Danielle and Melissa dont work at the store anymore, I dont have to feel guilty about seeing them. I limited my contact with them because I didnt want to somehow get them in trouble. Like the bitch would find out they were hanging out with me and somehow take it out on them. So now I dont have to worry about that and I get my friends back. Stupid bitch, making me miss out on nine months with my girls. I dont like girls all that much so when I find some that I get along with I want dont want to limit my time with them but at the same time, I am not going to put them into a bad situation (unlike SOME people I know!) just because I want to be with them. But now I dont have to worry about it! Yay. I have been pretty lonely since Tara moved to Kenai. Matthew is great, but I need my girls. It is so funny that a person like me, who really cant stand most girls, has, no needs, to have HER girls around her. Cuz the girls I'm friends with are awesome. I only pick that best people to be around me. Well, most of the time. There was that one HUGE mistake... But we will not dwell on past mistakes. Just on the great feeling of having your girlfriends back.

Just one more thing

She has one more jab at my gut left. I got a letter in the mail stating that the $500 I paid in July did not count towards my restitution payment and was denied by the court, so I still owe $500.Matt doesnt want me to pay it, he doesnt want to give her anymore money, and I dont either, but she wrote that I still owed for tanning account and unpaid products. Which is bullshit. But he wants to see reciepts of this stuff. Which would b fine but it would be VERY easier to back date the program and produce those "receipts". I know that if I were still there, I would be able to do it. And they have had 7 months to come up with whatever they wanted to. I left a message with Steve, but its Friday. All this comes on Fridays.... Anyway, I just want to pay it. I know we dont really have that money, but I could make it up pretty quickly, I think. The only thing is, I am over half way to being done with all of this. I have only a few more months until she can never touch me again. She will have no more claim over what is happening in my life. I know what I am going to do, I just have to figure out how to tell Matthew what we are doing. I dont want to anymore than he does, but this is MY life that she is fucking with, and I dont want her to have anymore reason to try to ruin anymore o my life. Plus, I want to be able to go home in June. More now than ever, and if this isnt taken care of, I wont be granted a travel pass.

She TRUELY is a psycho

Ok, so up the creepy factor of my life and a MAJOR Pro in the whether or not we should move. I was out taking pictures today since it was a beautiful sunny, clear day (Igot some BEAUTIFUL shots by the way). So I was down by the port cuz there was a good view of Denali, and I wanted to go to Earthquake Park to get some good shots but I couldnt remember how to get there from the little random street I was on so I was making some wierd turns and stuff. I looked in my rearview mirror and there was a white SUV behind me. My heart skips whenever there is a white SUV behind me. She drives a white Escalade. What if its her? I looked up and it WAS her. She was RIGHT on my butt.And it wasnt just by chance. It wasnt like she HAPPENED to turn in behind me and I was just turning on common streets and it was all coincedence. It wasnt, she was FOLLOWING me. And she looked like she was writing something down. I was shaking so hard. That stupid bitch. She was FOLLOWING me. I wasnt doing anything but driving. I called Steve and told him it happened. And I called uliet, even though she's not my "special friend" anymore. I didnt have the phone number to my new one, so I called her and told her so if She tries anything, I have already told them. I dont know what I would do if the cops showed up at my house and tried to arrest me again for some crazy story she told them about me. God knows what she is capable of. Please pray that she wont do anything.

You have no idea how scared I am. I would like to think that I am above this, but she got to me. She got to me. She has the control. I have nothing. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to do. I am so close to having this be over. It has been over 6 months. Why? Why did this happen? Am I back to this? Am I back to feeling powerless, and vulnerable, and weak, and terrified? I am NOT any of those things and she is the only person in this world who can make me feel that way and I HATE that. I hate that she still has that much power over me. I hate that. I dont want her in my life. I dont want to look in my rearview mirror, with fear in my heart that she will be there. I dont want to worry that whenever I go somewhere, that she may be there by chance. I hate feeling this way. But I still can not bring myself to say that I hate her. I have EVERY reason in the world to hate her. And now I know that she still is after me. For whatever reason it is, she is still after me. And I know that she has put one of my friends in a very questionable position at the store, cuz she called me to ask my advice. And that pisses me off too. They are telling her to just do this, and not ask questions and not tell anyone. And I am sick at how familiar that sounds. And I told her at the beginning that if she stayed, to just be aware of what was going on and the second she felt uncomfortable about something she was told to do, to leave, quit, get out. And I repeated that last night. I truely believe it.

I hate all of this. If it wasnt so much stress I would say let's get out of here. but who knows now.