Cabin Fever

God I can tell that I am getting sick of winter. I am so freakin down all the time and snapping at everything. And the sucky thing is that I still have to put up with like 2 more months of it. I couldnt stop crying yesterday. Everything made me upset. I dont want ot be in the house anymore. I want to be in the sun, without it being 3 degrees. I cant afford to go get some fake sun, and I dont really want to go tanning. I know if I go, I'll want to go all the time. I have been looking into water aerobics classes around town, just to have something to do. I would rather go on base, but the pool is closed for renovations. I dont know what to do. I am just so tired of feeling like this. I am tired of being cooped up, paranoid, and depressed. When will winter be over? Friday we might get into the 30's. That sounds exciting. Sad when 30 sounds like a heat wave. Here's praying for an early Break Up Season.

Radio Show

So I was COMPLETELY disappointed by the radio thing this morning. Pretty much I was nervous for absolutely nothing cuz we hardly even got to talk. We were there for like 5 minutes and Diana did most of the talking which didnt surprise me at all. I8 can hardly get a word in edgewise when I am with her, can you believe that I have to fight for converstaion time!? Me! So anyway, we are going back closer to walk time so hopefully then I will actually get to talk. I made some good jokes about a calendar and a sundial though. That was my contribution to the show. LOL. And I was nervous. And for what? I can get in front of a group of people and be just fine, but you put me in a room with a microphone and I freak out. Just one of my quirks I guess.

I am goig to be on the radio on Wednesday. You can listen on the internet if you want, I'll be on around 8 AM which is 11AM Iowa time. http://www.kool973.com/ So if you want to listen to me make afool of myself, tune in, I am kinda nervous so wish me luck.

BTW, the meeting today with the Mayor went good. We werent there for very long. I dont have the pictures yet, but as soon as I do I will share them. So let the fun continue.

Surprise!

I get to meet the mayor on Monday. Monday starts MS Awareness Week, and the Mayor is going to mak a proclamation to make it officially MS Awareness Week in Anchorage. Since now it is just something the National proclamed. So its kinda historic and I am gonna be there. We'll have pictures taken so I'l see if Gary will let me download them so I can show y'all. If Gary doesnt, Diana or Sarah will. Gary's kinda strange like that. So I'm pretty excited. I am just always inthe right place at the right time.

Weather Update

40 mph winds plus 4 degrees equals -27 degree wind chills.

Stupid UPS.

I am so disappointed. Matthew was going to come to the office and we were going to go to luch, and stupid UPS called him in to work so now we cant. Why today? Why couldnt it have been yesterday or Friday when I could give a crap less, but no, it HAD to be today when I was actually going to get to go out with my husband. Buttheads.

My favorite of mom's pictures.

Testing the picture options. I cant get them to work. And I am getting frustrated!!

Testing, Why wont my pictures work, dammit!!!???

First off, thanks to everyone for their great suggestions. I am working out the details and such. But when it goes live I'll let y'all know.

Second, I really dont have anything to talk about, I am just bored at work, and I am the onl;ly one here, so I cant leave til Gary, or Diana get back, whoever is first. I kinda hope its Gary cuz then I can just leave. If its Diana she'll want to talk, or something that will tie me up and I wont escape. I dont know what it is, but I REALLY didnt want to go to work today. At all. Plus I have so much other stuff I want to do. Especially while the sun is out. It is suppose to get cloudy again tonight. Which is ok cuz maybe it will warm up a bit, but the sun will be gone again.

I got a really ahppy surprise. I am a MySpace-r. I love it cuz I can keep up with or catch up with people I never would have ordinarily. I'm not one of those crazy people who approves everyone just to up their friend numbers, I know everyone on my list. Either we are friends or we worked together, whatever. Anyway, the other day two of the girls I worked with at the Muscatine Wal-Mart found me on there. We had kinda lost touch after I moved, but I was SOOO excited that they found me. And through them I have been able to connect with a lot of other people I had worked with and lost touch with. So I have been catching up with them. It really makes me happy. So when I am home in June, we're gonna get together.

Oh, BTW, if you didnt know I will be home from June 25th to July 10th. Matthew is till up in the air as he has not yet gotten his plane tickets.

Here is what I have so far...

I was sixteen when I found out. Thanksgiving 1998. I was sitting in church with my family and I knew that something was wrong. I couldnt see. I remember leaning over to my mom and saying "Mom, I cant see." In our church in Iowa, where i'm from, there are three stained glass windows above the altar. The middle one is an image of Jesus on the cross, and even though I didnt know what was to come in the next few days, I remember that I have NEVER prayed so hard in my life, my eyes never left that image.
Over the next few days I was referred from my regular eye doctor to an optimologist, to a specialist, and finally to a neurologist. It was that one sentence that changed my life forever, "I think you have MS." So I did the MRI, the tests, the lumbar puncture, and my MRI showed something very scary, there were actually several lesions. Surprising amount considering I was only 16. This had been in me for years already.
My neurologist perscribed Betaseron, I had age on my side and my health outlook was good. The only downside was that I didnt know how to handle what I was just given. I knew nothing about MS. I was scared. And for a long time I was in denial. I felt fine. I looked fine. I FELT FINE!! My eyesight came back, and I had no other "Symptoms", or so I thought. I have invisible symptoms. The lack or balance, a slight gait, problems swallowing, remembering, finding the right word, and I am so tired all the time. Somedays it is difficult to even lift my arms. But all those things were so easy to explain away so I wouldint have to deal with it. I just wanted to go to prom, have a boyfriend, graduate, go to college. I thought I wouldnt be able to enjoy those things if I was "sick".
I'm 24 now. And I have had all those things, I just had them with MS. My husband is wonderful and comes to all my apppointments with me. I have come to terms with what I was unable to face all those years ago. I have grown up alot since then. And here is what I have learned. I will not crumble, I will not wilt, I may stumble and I may fall, but I will always pick myself back up. I will bloom wherever I am planted.
The hardest part for me was coming to terms with an invisible disease. I am very lucky in that I have not had any serious exacerbations since that Thanksgiving in 1998. So for awhile I went off my meds. I had switched from Betaseron to Copaxone. I was able to handle the side effects better.
Recently, I had another MRI done, my fourth. I had increased lesions. Heavily increased lesions. I had an effect but no cause. And that it hard, even now, for me to wrap my mind around. For there to be an effect, there has to be a cause, and I didnt FEEL bad. All that time I was walking around, thinking I was fine, my body had other ideas.
I have gone back on my meds, and I will stay on them. I work at the National MS Office here in Anchorage,Alaska. I feel like it is my way of taking control, fighting back. I will fight back. I will help others who are going through what I went through. I will help raise money for research into a cure. I will share my story so other people can read it and relate because they were a scared teenager once too. And somedays I will cry. I will cry because my tears dont compromise my strength.
I am 24. I had my d-day 8 years ago. And I have a full life ahead of me. MS isnt who I am. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, an employee, a friend, an activist, and I have MS.

My tears dont compromise my strength

I've been working on my story. I didnt realize how much I hadnt dealt with what has happened to me. I was young. I was scared. And so I pushed it down as far as I could and left it there. And now I am diggin all of that back up and its really hard. Really hard. My fear is that I wont be able to get through telling it. I know I will cry. And I dont mean to cry. I know it has been a lot of emotions, and I know it has been brewing there for 8 years, but I want to be able to tell it with convidence, and composure. But so much of what I feel, I know is residual from that day in Novemeber when I was only 16. But I ow I have so much more in the way of understanding then I did at that time. Now I thank God every morning I wake up and everything still works. That is a scary truth that I live with and have learned to accept. One morning I will wake up and someing isnt going to work. Not the way it should, if at all. Its not a threat, its a reality, but at the same time, I know that i am doing what I have to do to ensure that I dont have to have that morning.

But anyway, there is a site called facesofms.org, the link is under my link heading. I recommend if you have some time read some of the stories. Add your own. Whatever you do, spend some time there.

I have been readin these stories about people who are worse off than I am, I have age on my side. And a few about people who have the same or similar symptoms as me, but they are all older. Every story I have read, they had their d-day in their twenties or thirties which is typical. But I was 16. And I know that somewhere there is someone who needs to hear my story. Who needs to hear that someone else was young when they had their d-day. Someone needs to hear my story. So I am working on it. I will tell it. I will dig up those things I've worked so hard to bury. I will face those ghosts. And will cry. I will cry because my tears dont compromise my strength.

Daily dose of jamaica

Its nice to have a free day, but I am so bored now! LOL. My toe hurts so bad and it wasnt busy enough to make enough money to make the pain worth it. So I came home. If you think like mom, then to put your mind at ease, no its not infected. But it hurts like a mutha... I think I need to let it heal up for a day before I put it back inside the boot! So now I am just sitting here watching TV bored out of my mind. Matthew will be back from the UPS store soon, and here bugging me. So the quiet is ok for now. I guess I cant have it both ways, huh? I have decided that I want to go back to Jamaica. I know Matthew wants to go to DisneyWorld again, bt I really want to go back. I want to go and lay on the beach and drink fruity drinks with little umbrellas, with my feet in the sand. I want to lounge in the tide pools, and go to the waterfalls, and the Illuminated lagoon and I want to go with Matthew. I will find a good deal. I will. It will wait till we get to the Lower 48. It'll be less expensive that way. But the last time I went it was $800 or something per person. Not including excursion trips. I want to get off the plane, go down those stairs into the tropics. I want to watch the blue water as we come in for a landing. And as I look outside at the snow, and the 9 degree weather, and I want to go all the more. Ah, Jamaica, we will meet again.

I was really excited to learn that I could post pictures on here just by clicking the image button, so easy. But now I cant get the stupid thing to work anymore. Boo. I knew it was too easy that way. Boo.

Who wants to hear about me?

Diana has volunteered me to "tell my MS Story" for MS Awarness Week. We are having an MS experience tent thingy. The theme is the MS family, and focusing on how MS effects, not only the people who have it, but everyone around them. And creating the environment of family support among those effected by MS. So I have to have a story. I dont really know what to say. So if anyone wants to write me something I can edit, just to get me started, I am all for it.

Blister

Yesterday I got a nasty blister at work. Actually, I think there were three blisters. Cuz there was two layers of broken skin and another blister. Needless to say, I didnt sleep too well last night. My body is so sore from work and then throw in the blister and the sore toe, it was a worthless night of sleep. But we will be getting some groceries thanks to the holiday weekend. and my broken back (and toe!). But things are looking up. Thanks to the parents, all of them, we are going to be a lot better off than we have been. At least on a better track to getting there! Oh, and I rock at my job, so Diana dosnt want to let me go, and they may be creating a position (part time, but paid) for me. We'll find out after the Walk. So here's hopin. If I have learned anything in the last week though, its to not get my hopes up.

T-Shirt Designs

This is the original tee shirt design. See where they put AK, and notice that Texas is bigger than AK. This WiLL NOT go over very well with my walkers.

This is the one I altered. Alaska is where it is supposed to be abd the size is more acceptable. I think it still gets the point across but isnt too outlandishly arrogent, remember this is for ALL of the US chapters, not just for the Alaska Chapter.

And this is Diana's version. Tis is the one that was sent to National for approval. I just think that it is to big, and self serving. I think it looks like we are trying to promote Alaska over the other states. I do like the position of the MS Walk loga better than where I had it, though.

My wierdest battle

I am now inolved n the strangest battle I've encountered in awhile. We have to choose a tee shirt design for the Walk. And National has decided that every one has to get the same design. In previous years you could choose betwen two designs. Well, the design that is in the lead right now is a map of the US with Hawaii kinda off the coast of New Mexico, which is close to correct. They put Alaska off the coast of Florida, and its tiny. I cant give this tee shirt to the walkers up here. They will have a fit. These are people who are VERY proud of the size of their state. If you cut AK in half we would still be the two largest states in the US. Imagine the ego of Texas and make is Akaska sized. They will never accept the idea that they are being miniaturized and put under Florida. Imagine if they shrunk Texas down to the size of Indiana. They would break off and form their own country. So now I have to convince some lady in yoming to either make AK bigger and above the map where we are supposed to be, or let us pick a different shirt design. Otherwise, they are going to end up pissing off a lot of my walkers. It is a wierd batle to fight but I guess someone has to do it!

Disappointment

Matthew's package was denied. we aren't coming home.

Ice cream headache

Thats how I feel all the time. So overwhelmed it is an ice cream headache all the time. 4 jobs. No money. Over our heads. Ever sinking lower. Ice cream headache all the time. The worst... how did we get here? Where did it go wrong? Oh, yeah. I remember. When everything else went wrong. It spiralled out of control with everything else. It was me. I got us here. My decisions. My choices. My mistakes. I got us here. I have tried to get us out, cuz I always knew that I got us here, so I should get us out, but I only got us deeper. How did we get here? I know very well how we got here. and I didnt stop it, I didnt control it, I let it happen. So here we are. Barely breathing, but still alive. I suppose thats something. Even if that something isnt all that great.

Ah, Valentine's Day.

What a complete waste of a day. Why call it a holiday? Holidays mean that I get a day off. Or something happens. Nothing happens today, unless you have money. If you have money then you get presents, or go out for a date or get a card. I dont have money. We dont have money, so nothing happens. Not that I really care cuz I think it is a stupid non-holiday. Its a day to boost card, chocolate and flower sales for those who have a quote- unquote valentine. And a day to make those who dont have a "valentine" feel bad cuz they dont have a valentine. What a horrible day. Lets flaunt our happiness in the faces of you who have no one to be a valentine and in the faces of you who DO have a valentine, but are too poor to celebrate it in the way that is dictated by the Valentine's Day Nazis. And you know what PROVES this is a terrible, violence causing "holiday"? There is no President's Day Massacre. No Flag Day Massacre. No Arbour Day Massacre. Nope, just a St. Valentine's Day Massacre. What does that tell you? Celebrating the planting of trees on another "Hardly a Holiday" does not cause people to go crazy and kill a bunch of people. (yes, I know that the DAY didnt cause them to kill people, the fact that they are GANGSTERS did, but I dont care, still a massacre on this non-holiday) Boo on today. Boo on this non holiday and boo on all you cupid loving, red and pink sporting, card giving, chocolate eating, rose smelling Valentine Nazis.

I hate Valentine's Day.

Moving Update

Ok, so Matthew checked on the "package", and his supervisor has approved it and is sending it up the ladder so tomorrow it should get is second approval. And then it goes up and then the closer to the top it goes, the less people are going to look at it and just sign it cuz everyone else has already signed it and everything has been looked over and so on. So still not getting my hopes up, but.... No that's just a blatent lie, my hopes are up. I will be devistated if this doesnt go through. I need to go talk to my new "friend" and request a transfer and see what is involed in doing that. This is going to be fun... It is also going to cost about $185 to take the cats home on the plane, and that doesnt include health certificates, tranquilizers or new kennels, Jackie has grown out of hers. And what else? Oh, we decided to hire a Base Housing Approved cleaner to come and clean the house. My boss, Diana, suggested that would be the best thing. (her husband retired from the Air Force) She said when you do it on your own, you'll never pass inspections on the first time. But if you hire a BASE APPROVED cleaner you will almost ALWAYS pass the first time, cuz they know what needs to be done. Cuz some things HAVE to be immacculate and some things you dont have to worry about. So we think its the best idea. And I have found a flight that should be minimum travel time for the kitties. About 11 hours total, with layovers, so I think that they will be ok.

I'm really nervous about having to take both of them myself, but I'm sure it will be ok, people do it with their dogs all the time! I can do this. It is not as bad as I think it is. Its not. I've lived through a lot worse, right? Right. No biggie. No stress, I have people to help. No stress. Its all good. I am making lists. I have a "Send Home in Matt's Truck" list, "Emily's Packing List" sub-divided into catagories 'Shoes', 'Clothes' 'Bathroom', and 'Odds n Ends', "To-do" lists complete with deadlines. I am organized. I just need to know whn I can start executing my lists!

Stay Tuned.

Archives

I have just realized that my archive headings are all screwed up. 2003 should be 2004 and December 2006 is actually January 2007 and January 2006 is actually Feb 2007. And I dont know how to fix this. It seems wierd that it is doing that. Not that it is a big deal I just happened to notice it today. Wierd.

The novelty has worn off the idea of going home and reality is started to set in to what lays (lies, w/e) ahead of me. There is so damn much to do and I want to get started so I dont feel so overwhelmed, but I cant cuz I dont even know if his request is going to be approved. So if it isnt, then i ould have done all of it for nothing, but if it is, then I will WAY behind where I want to be. I think maybe I will get a couple rolls of bubble wrap and start wrapping my little knick knacks so that much more will be dont and I will feel like I am doing something. And I am making lists, TMO lists, Mail lists, my packing lists, and lists of what I am sending home in Matt's truck. So again I feel like I am doing something. Cuz I HAVE to write everything down or I WILL forget. This is just crazy, but always an advocate for following the signs presented to me, everything is falling into place as we go along, so I cant even imagine this being the wrong decision. I just cant wait till the papers come back. I know everyone is like me, trying not to get their hopes up, juct in case it doesnt happen, but when I tell people I might be coming home, they are just like "ok". I just have to remember they arent getting their hopes up, cuz if I forget that, then I would get really depressed cuz no one seems to be all that excited. But the time will come. It better, people!

Ok, I need to get out and distribute some brochures. Oh, maybe I will do that tomorrow and instead, I'll go up and take a nap. I think I slept a total of an hour last night, I kept waking up cuz Matthew switched to mids so he went to work at midnight, so I kept waking up. I am SOOO tired!

Welp, Matthew is turning in the papers on Monday. We're one step closer to coming home. There is hope. Whether we address this now or in a year, we'll have to face most of these issues, so lets do it now. Especially after what happened on Thursday. I am happy to get out of here. We have been here long enough. So here we go. Soon we will find out how fast this roller coaster is going to take off. I just hope I can hang on.

She TRUELY is a psycho

Ok, so up the creepy factor of my life and a MAJOR Pro in the whether or not we should move. I was out taking pictures today since it was a beautiful sunny, clear day (Igot some BEAUTIFUL shots by the way). So I was down by the port cuz there was a good view of Denali, and I wanted to go to Earthquake Park to get some good shots but I couldnt remember how to get there from the little random street I was on so I was making some wierd turns and stuff. I looked in my rearview mirror and there was a white SUV behind me. My heart skips whenever there is a white SUV behind me. She drives a white Escalade. What if its her? I looked up and it WAS her. She was RIGHT on my butt.And it wasnt just by chance. It wasnt like she HAPPENED to turn in behind me and I was just turning on common streets and it was all coincedence. It wasnt, she was FOLLOWING me. And she looked like she was writing something down. I was shaking so hard. That stupid bitch. She was FOLLOWING me. I wasnt doing anything but driving. I called Steve and told him it happened. And I called uliet, even though she's not my "special friend" anymore. I didnt have the phone number to my new one, so I called her and told her so if She tries anything, I have already told them. I dont know what I would do if the cops showed up at my house and tried to arrest me again for some crazy story she told them about me. God knows what she is capable of. Please pray that she wont do anything.

You have no idea how scared I am. I would like to think that I am above this, but she got to me. She got to me. She has the control. I have nothing. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to do. I am so close to having this be over. It has been over 6 months. Why? Why did this happen? Am I back to this? Am I back to feeling powerless, and vulnerable, and weak, and terrified? I am NOT any of those things and she is the only person in this world who can make me feel that way and I HATE that. I hate that she still has that much power over me. I hate that. I dont want her in my life. I dont want to look in my rearview mirror, with fear in my heart that she will be there. I dont want to worry that whenever I go somewhere, that she may be there by chance. I hate feeling this way. But I still can not bring myself to say that I hate her. I have EVERY reason in the world to hate her. And now I know that she still is after me. For whatever reason it is, she is still after me. And I know that she has put one of my friends in a very questionable position at the store, cuz she called me to ask my advice. And that pisses me off too. They are telling her to just do this, and not ask questions and not tell anyone. And I am sick at how familiar that sounds. And I told her at the beginning that if she stayed, to just be aware of what was going on and the second she felt uncomfortable about something she was told to do, to leave, quit, get out. And I repeated that last night. I truely believe it.

I hate all of this. If it wasnt so much stress I would say let's get out of here. but who knows now.

I am just not ready for this. I cant make pressured decisions. I thought i had a lot more time to prepare for moving back. Now I may be back in June?!?! What am I supposed to do? You cant just tell me this and expect me to understand what is happening. I have just gotten back on my fet here, and I have been bowled over again. How does this work? I dont even know? How am i going to get my medications? Do I have to start all over? I guess that solves the problem of me not knowing what I am doing. Oh, wait I have to go home and figure out what I am going to do. i have to find a job. I have to transfer all my baggage down there too. And I dont mean suitcases. It's like $80 per extra suitcase. Cuz I can damn garuantee that I will need more than 2 suitcases if I am moving home in June and then I will have the cats too?!?! You have GOT to be kidding me! I going to need at least three suitcase if not four, AND the cats. Jackie will have to go under the plane, and I dont like that. I could carry grizzly on, she'll still be plenty small enough, but is that too much trauma for her, she is still so young, I dont want to screw her up! So we will have to get certficates for both of them, and it costs $80 per animal.

And where are we going to live? I have to find some place to live before I can get a job. So where are we going to live? I guess I'll have to move in with mom and dad for awhile. Maybe we can rent the house Matt and Cassie lived in! HA! Across the street from my mom and dad. Thats a thought. Amanda wont have to worry about taking care of them anymore. J/K, you still will. HAHAH. I think I am losing my mind. I cant even wrap my head around this! I was prepeared to leave in '09, not in 5 months.

Matt pretty much has a second job lined up so we can get things paid off and money saved up for a cushion. It wont be a very big cushion, but we can just go across the street and eat mom and dad's food if we cant afford our own. LOL. Plus they have slow internet. Are we gonna have to have slow internet too? And what about cable? Will we have to get a satellite dish? What am I talking about? I dont even know where we are going. Except I know we might be going soon.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and she read me an "article" (read "police report") about a boy, well, he;s grown up now, who was Lew's best friend growing up. Just like his sister was my best friend growing up and her sister was Amanda's best friend growing up and their mom was mom's best friend. He is now facing 6 felony drug charges, and a small part of my heart died. He is only 22. He has ruined his life by selling cocaine to undercover officers on three seperate occasions. As mom was reading this literally a million thoughts ran through my head, memories, what-ifs, mistakes, wishes, regrets, excuses... And then of course I thought of Lew. They were so close. And how differently they turned out to be. It is a testament to unbringing and environment. We had a loving nurturing supportive family. They had an abusive drunk father, a lost hurt mother. Trying to find love where they could, and following a horrible example set before them that was only apologized for or aknowledged on a death bed created by drug and alcohol abuse. And here he is following in those footsteps.

We all grew apart through the years, following the path set before us, the direction dictated by the choices we made. But no matter how far apart our paths have gone from one another, it doesnt erase that love you have in that special place in your heart for friends who were, at the formative years of your life, more like family than friends. So it is that place, and that love that sears with pain upon hearing that one of them has followed a path, followed his choices into a dark, miserable and tragic life. It is that place that make the tears burn your eyes when you think maybe, you could have a made a difference all those years ago... Knowing that you cant change what happened, and knowing that you cant save that person from what they have become.

How do you save someone who doesnt know they need saving?

It is a good thing I dont have a weak heart cuz I would have had at least 5 heart attacks the last few days. well, yesterday and today. It has been so warm here the last couple days (and by warm I mean 31-33 degrees) so the 3-4 feet of snow that is sitting on our rooves is melting and falling off. It is SO loud. You can imagine how heavy the 3-4 feet of WET snow is and it is falling off the roof... and depending which side of the house it is falling off of it hits either the garage in the front, or the eve over the door in the back, before it hits the ground. It scared me SOOOO bad yesterday when the first one fell cuz it was so quiet and we were just watchin TV and that snow started crashing down. My heart skipped one or two beats! And throughout the night tonight the rest of it is falling, just ever once in a while. There is enough time in between that you forget about it until it falls again! Scares me ever time. It piled so deep in front of the house, Matt had to dig a path cuz the snow popped our basement window open and it was so heavy we couldnt get it closed again.

I offically started at the office today. We have so much work to do... Hope Matthew doesnt want to see me for the next three months. Between the office and the CM, I am not going to be home much.

On the up side, I have something to look forward to, I am going to be able to go home for Sarah's weding in June. I wasnt sur eif I would be able to, but Marianne is gifting my some of her airline miles so I dont have to find a way to pay for the tickets. Matthew really wants to go hometoo, but I dont know if he will be able to. I found a pretty decent flight for $633, which isnt too bad. I just wish that it wasnt so damn expensive to go home. We were talking about scoping out places to live while we are home since we have about 25 months till we move back. Kinda scary to think about it, and I would like Matt to help me look. But if we cant afford it, I guess I will have to do it on my own. At least I get to go to the wedding, and hopefully mom and dad will have the pool ready to I can just lay by the pool for two weeks... Ah, now THAT"S something to look forward to. When I am cold and tired, I will just think about being in the pool ,in the warm sun, with some sort of fruity drink... not a care in the world. Maybe two weeks wont be long enough!

Christmas Video

I watched a video that my mom sent to me of their Christmas st home. It was so hard not to cry through it, even though they were cracking jokes and making me laugh. And then that made it even more emotional. And then I got to thinking that I have to move soon. I have to find somewhere to move to. So I am open to help, or suggestions. We want to go back to Iowa, closer to the Quad Cities. Since Matt is going to be workin in Moline, and I think that I may have a better chance at findin work in the Quad Cities too. I was thinkin DeWitt, maybe... But If you have any suggestions or know of a nice area, let me know. I am SOOOO not lookin forward to trying to find somewhere to live. I realize that I have two years but before I know it, I am going to have only a year and then only 6 months and so on and so forth, so just help me out.

I have never before seen an actually Emergency Alert Broadcast but in this past month there have been three. two for major snowfall and white out conditions and tonight there was one for the tsunami warning. Cuz of the huge earthquake in Russia. Thre where 4 earthquakes here in AK in a three hours time span. Then add on top of that the 8.5 that hit Russia. Those poor people, running from their homes into -2 degree weather. i pray it doesnt happen here.

I guess this whole MS thing has been more of a mind game for me. I cant do anything about the body stuff cuz you cant stop it, sometimes you dont even now its happening. You cant predict it, and its never the same. So that is what is really hard about it. Cuz for two years (since my last MRI) I thought I was fine, but you put that image of those spots up there and it is clear I'm not fine. And it is so hard to deal with it. Logic says that there is a cause and an effect for everything that occurs. That is the way it is supposed to be. That is normal and right with in the rules of the universe. So when you are presented with only effect and you dont know the cause, and you know that you will never know the cause... It becomes too much for ones mind to deal with. And that is what I am overcoming right now. Forcing my mind to accept that, though invisible, there is a cause and I need to do whatever I can to counteract it so i can mantain a pseudo-normal life. But then what is normal? In the eye of the beholder.

I guess I am growing up. Dealing with this instead of excusing it away. Excuses are easy. I cant stand up and put my shoes on, well, I have a bad knee. I dont have any drive to have sex with my husband, well, I'm just tired. I am so exhausted all the time, I can barely lift my arms, well, I work two jobs, I am just working too hard. I cant remember where I put things if I dont put them in their assigned place, well, I am an airhead. I choke when I am eating cuz I dont have a gag reflex, well, I just eat too fast. See, excuses are easy, I can think of a million of them. But I shouldnt have to. I mean I am only 24. I shouldnt have the libdo of a 90 year old. Or the energy level. Or the bladder control. Or worry that I will choke on my food when no one is around. THAT is NOT normal. By any standard

Imagine what one could do with 1.6 million dollars. One could pay off one's debt. And then one's husband would be more pleasant to be around. That is what they are figuring you'd walk aay with if you won the jet. Wait... Start from the beginning. Alaska's former gov bought himself a private jet with the taxpayer's money. Now he out of office and the state still owes $2.5 million on a plane they never wanted in the first place. So they have put the jet up for auction on ebay but they cant get enough money to pay the thing off. So a radio show suggested holding a state wide raffle and let someone from the state win the jet and then do with it what they wanted. It is estimated that it costs $500 an hour just to operate the thing. So you figure most paople would sell it. The minimum bid was $2 million. So after taxes you would have about 1.6 million give or take. They are selling the tickets for $100. So sell 30,000 tickets and the jet is paid off plus some. The extra can go to a charity organization. It seems so cazy, but I think it is genious. $100 for a chance at $1 million? Those tickets are already sold. So its all they can talk about on the morning radio show, so I just get to thinking what you could do with that much money. I am so tired of being poor. I am going to have to have two jobs for a long time. Even after the one at NMSS is over, I think I am going to have to find another one. I just dont know what. But at that time it will be summer and I can spend a lot more time at the CM without losing all feeling in my body from the cold. I am so tired of living like this.

So basically, my neurologist said he is surprised that I am actually functioning as well as I am considering what my brain looks like. He sat down with me and showed me all the layers of my brain and all the lesions. There is a big difference in the coloring. They are brighter than they were, there were some new ones. There was a big one in my cerebelum, which would be my balance problems. There is also a big one in my frontal cortex which helps explain my extreme emotions, crying at everything and lauging so hysterically. But there are a lot of lesions. He is doing some blood tests and I have to get a bone density scan. And then I go back in a month and we will go from there to see what we are going to do. Basically, there isnt much more that we can do than what I am already doing. Mainly starting back on my meds. But we'll see what happens after the tests come back on whether I start with a speech therapist or whatever we may decide to do. Basically, I have spots on my brain and to keep them from getting worse, I just have to use my meds. So while there is no good news, there isnt any super bad news either. So thanks for your thoughts and support, and everything, I'm not out of the woods yet, but it looks like, for now, the damage has been done.

I have time to kind of wrap my head around all this crap, and I realize that I cant wrap my head around all this crap. So three days of thinking had come up completely empty and complete futile in trying to figure out what is happening to my body, and what is happening to my brain. My brain. It isnt even my brain that is the problem! But it is definately a huge part of it. It is just so frustrating!!! I dont even know what I feel about it. And that seems to be my issue for the last few months, I dont know how I feel. I dont know what to feel. And that is frustrating. I am getting tired of just trying to live. I am just trying to keep my head above water, and I am so tired of tredding water. Its like all I do is tred water. I am so tired of trying to stay afloat. Because everytime I feel like I am getting myself stablized, something else is thrown on the pile and I start drowning all over again.

Our Snow gauge. Check out the grill! 

I cant stand this whole situation. I have to get my strong mindset back. I have to pull it out of the file, and dust it off. And face this just like I have faced the six months of my life. God, can you believe six months? Well not quite, on the 11th. But still, six months. Since all this shit happened. And now I have to deal with this. I tell you what, I dont want to sound cocky or anything, but I dont even know how I deal with all of this. I dont even remember. Like i block it out of my mind.

Anyway, I just have to wait until Tuesday, I cant do anything until then. I wont even know how bad it is until then, but I cant keep myself from thinking about it! It hits so hard when it comes so unexpectedly. I dont want to start thinking that bad things will happen all the time, but I dont ever expect bad things to happen so it always comes unexpectedly. And then I get knocked off my feet.

I got letter in the mail today that said my MRI was worse than the last one that I had a couple year ago. So this whole time I thought that i was doing fine but I wasnt. I wasnt at all. So I have to go to Nuerology on Tuesday to see what they want to do. They said treatment in the letter. I hate this. I am thought I was doing so good. I know that I am doing my meds again, so that pisses me off so much. How could I be so niave. What if I had been doing what I was supposed to all along. Would I be in a better position than I am right now. It is so scary. I am so scared. I never felt sick. But in the back of my head I knew that I was having problems. My tremors hae gotten worse. My balance. My ablity to think of words. You know that once in awhile you get that tip on your tongue thing? It happens to me all the time. I just cant think of the words. I have bladder issues. I have to wear pantyliners everyday. And I went throught the most stressful time in my whole life. How can that not effect me? It is just one more way that she has fucked up a part of my life. (Sorry out the f-bomb, but it is the only appropriate word). I dont care about her. screw her.

What really bothers me is that "nothing" really happened. Nothing big you know? So it was all happening inside me, and I had no idea, and that scares me. I know I need to not stress about it because that isnt going to help matters at all. but I cant help it. It is just hard to come to realize it. I thought I was growing and accepting that this was happening to me, but I dont know if I... I just dont know. I is so hard when you get information like this. It drives in a little deeper and a little sharper. It cuts. Deep. I have years till my 10 year mark. When they think something "big" will happen. 10 years. Please, give me 10 more.

I am SO sick of snow. We got at least a foot so far today. Probably more. And it is still snowing. Last I heard it was to be around 14 inches. So I am serious in saying that we are accepting donations for a snow blower. We were both out there shoveling the drive today. We have a snow gauge in the back yard since neither one of us go back there. The snow is three feet on top of the grill. It looks ridiculous!I'll post a pic of it when I get it on the computer! It took my 45 minutes to get across town today. Imagine that. It took me the same amount of time to drive across town that it takes to drive to Moline! It was so scary cuz you couldnt see anything. I was shaking, I didnt know where the road was... I wish I didnt have to do it. Starting next month, I wont have to.

Happy New Year!!! Here's wishing you a wonderful 2007!

I really am going to have to get a walker or a cane. I fell again on the snow at work last night and and really hurt my knee. So I tried to wear my mechanical monstrousity brace, and it digs in my leg. i dont want ot go to the ER cuz we'll be there for days... and its a holiday weekend so I wouldnt be able to even call for an appointment til Tuesday, but so will everyone else so who knows when I would actually get in. And what would they tell me? That I have torn ligaments, I kinda already know that. And That I need to have surgery to fix it, and that it will take me off my feet for a couple months cuz they have to take out all the scar tisse? Yes i know that too. And we cant afford that! I have to walk to work, and since I am organizing the year's biggest fundraiser for NMSS, I cant take time off to have a stupid surgery. And I already have my supply of 800 mg Ibruprofen from my kidney stones, so what's the point? I should have gotten it done a long time ago. But I dint wantot hobble for my wedding or walk to class in the snow on crutches. Its never a good time to do it!

I have decided to put a few pics up here since I have been slackin on that end. Christmas was good. We went to Marcus and Amelia's on Christmas Eve and had supper, drank some wine and payed cards. It was fun. They were goingt o have a party but we all decided that Christmas Eve was for family. And since we are all each others' families up here, we spent it with close friends. We had a lot of fun at the hockey games this weekend. There were a lot of fights. Which always makes for a good time! But I wanted to put up some pics. Hope your Christmas was as lovely as ours!

And for those of you who havent met our new baby, Grizzly

Our season ticket group. (from right: Doug, Marcus, Amelia, Matthew, and me) 

Matthew talkin to Hans Benson (the player I put on his new jersey) 

Here's our backyard, so you can get an idea of how much snow we got. Bout 3 feet in as many days. 

Cool, huh? 

He just shoveled the driveway about 5 hours earlier! 

Shirt from Amanda 

Yaya, Christmas id here! 

Matthew's new glasses 

This is a shitty time for there to be a blizzard cuz now work SUCKS! NOt because of the snow exactly, that makes it really hard work, but because the store is not busy. Now is not the time to not be makin money. The onluy thing that comforts me is that I know in a couple weeks I will have a steady paycheck that doesnt depend on other people. So I know that bills can be paid or groceries can be bought. I know that we will do it. We have been doing it, and will continue. Once the holidays are over, we will be back on track. I'm so tired of the snow.

Its still snowing. Just to let you know. It was pretty fun yesterday. We went to the hockey game last night, and Marcus locked the keys in the car! Poor Amelia has a boot on her foot cuz she broke it so her toes are freezing. So we went over to the cops who were directing traffic. Well, apparently, taxi drivers do unlock here in Anchorage, and they charge $25. And the guy who did was a asshole. We didnt have $25 and they had locked the door to the arena. And he wouldnt let Amelia sit in his car even with her broken foot. Anyway, the driver was like "You dont have $25 between all of you?" No, thats why we told you that we didnt have $25. We dont carry cash anyway, but since we are all married, one of us in the couple has the money. Anyway, he FINALLY gets ii unlocked and writes down the license plate # so he can follow us to an ATM. ANd the money doesnt go to the cab company, he pockets it. Nice Christmas spirit jackass. He was so flippin rude. Like we did it on purpose. And as if we purposely didnt have any cash. I offered to give him the $2.75 that I had in my pocket... Anyway, what ever Scrooge. $25. Should have just called roadside assistance. Would havehad to wait a bit longer but you wouldnt have to pay for it.

We are being snowed in. They have shut down the base. Too much snow already and it isnt suppose to stop till tomorrow. Thank goodness I dont have to be anywhere tomoorow!

I am so excited for Cristmas. I want to open presents now.But I wont. Matt wont let me. I let him open up his jersey. He was so excited. I have never seen him so happy to get something. Actually, I was so excited to give it to him, I couldnt wait any longer! LOL. But I got to open some presents at the office today, so it curbed my need to open gifts. I dont really have anything to talk about I guess. I dont want to go to work, its cold and windy. Oh, Saturday we went to Matt's Christmas party for work. We got a really sweet doorprize. A voucher for a 26 glacier cruise for two. Its about $250 value. I am so excited cuz I have wanted to go on a glacier cruise since we got up here. So that was a cool Christmas present. Thats about it.

The baby kitty is doing well. She is adapting to the house and Jackie like a champ. Took her to the vet yesterda.

Yep I have it, I dont need a blood test. Now what?

Infectious Mononucleosis Symptoms
Not everyone infected with the virus that causes mono (Epstein-Barr virus, or EBV) has symptoms. This is especially true in young children, who may have a fever but no other symptoms. Young adults between the ages of 15 and 24 are more likely to have obvious symptoms.1
The most common symptoms of mono are:
Fever, which may range from 101 °F(38.3 °C) to 104 °F(40 °C), and chills.
Sore throat, often with white patches on the tonsils (which may resemble strep throat).
Swollen lymph nodes all over the body, especially the lymph nodes in the neck.
Swollen tonsils.
Headache or body aches.
A lack of energy and fatigue.
Loss of appetite.

A Gift from Grizzly

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I swear it is always one thing after another. It just doesnt ever end. I am convinced that I have mono. I know I do. I remember how it feels. I am so tired you dont even know. And I have been sweatin balls ever since I came home. I cant cool off, no matter what I do. I am sick, and we CANNOT afford for me not to work. But the best I can do is a couple hours and that is hard, cuz I am so worn out, and I can hear mom worrying aout me wearing myself out, but I cant not work. We have Christmas to pay for and the trip home, and groceries and the new kitty needs her shots and Jackie is due for a check up and we need groceries. And Matt had to get glasses today so we have to pay for that too. But I did find out that they will do contact exams at the hospital. So I dont have to go to the stupid doctor anymore. So I have an appointment in January. Matt's doctor says there are new hard contact materials that breathe better so I may be able to go back to hard contacts instead of these stupid soft ones that dont really have enough strength. So anyway, I have to go work so I can get Matt some food.

Hurray for Christmas

I used to not like Christmas, because of years of working in retail, I just couldnt stand it. Now that I dont work in retail, I am actually really enjoying it. The way I remember enjoying it when I was little. With hope and belief and happiness. Not the bitterness, bum hum bug, and negativity that I have harboured for almost ten years. And listen to Christmas music, not because I am forced to, but because I want to. Because I enjoy it. I am shopping for presents, at my pace and on my time. I have holiday parties that dont involve shipping in food so we dont leave the store because in actuality we will be too busy to eat. This is the way The holiday is supposed to be. Full of joy and love and a childhood innocence.
I treasure those feelings that I carry with me in a special place in my heart that makes this holiday even more magical. The memories of going to get the Christmas tree. We would go on a Saturday. After practice for the Sunday school Christmas program. Mom, Dad, Amanda, me and Lew would get into the front of the green pick up and sing Christmas carols all the way to the tree farm to cut down our tree. We would bring it back to the house and dad would put it in the stand while mom put on Christmas CDs and pull out the boxes of decorations. Together we would decorate the tree and the house while te voices of Bing Crosby, Brenda Lee, Nat King Cole and the sounds of Manhiem Steamroller floated through the house. We would hang the Stockings and the garland on which my mom would hang the Christmas cards. We would make sugar cookies to frost. And Manda, me and Lew would each get an even amount to decorate.
Christmas Eve was never for opening presents. Christmas Eve, when I was young, we would go to the first Family Service at church and then it was a challenge to see if we could stay up for the Candlelight Service. In between we would go to Gradma's with Uncle Tim, Aunt Joyce, Cassie, Jacob and, later, Nicole. We would have CHristmas treat plates full of goodies. And soup like potato, chili, and Oyster. And have sparkling cider. I loved the Candlelight Service. They would always sing Silent Night when all the lights turned off, and just the candles burning. I loved it. It always made me cry. The emotions of that service were rivaled only by Good Friday.
Christmas morning we would open the presents. Stockings were always first in the sunroom. And then mom would make hot chocolate, the real kind with milk. And then we would go to the living room to open presents. We would take turns handing out presents. And then we would break and have more hot chocolate and Grandma's tearoll. Then we would finish up with gifts and then we would start dinner. Always crab legs and twice baked potatoes. Then it was movie/nap time. Then we would go over to Grandma Whitmer's for a light meal and somtimes presents.
Dad would put up a big light display. People would drive out to the house just to see the lights that he put up. I remember, very vividly, laying in my bed and looking out my window, seeing the multi colored lights right outside my window and reflecting in the snow. I remember one night in paticular in such vivid color and emotion, that I feel it happened only a day ago, instead of years ago. The night I lay looking at those lights, sure to the very one that I heard the bells of a certain sleigh. I was so sure, and in all honesty I still do, and for one single reason, I have always believed in Santa.
Not so much in the man, but in the idea. Santa represents the best of the this season, because it represents the best of a world. An idea of giving, and selflessness. Of the blind faith of a child, in whose innocence we should draw strength. Because it is in the belief of Santa that the magic of Christmas exists. And why I know that Santa exists. Because there is a magic in Christmas carols, and lights, trees ad gifts, family, and love, giving, and, above all, in faith. The faith in a man who brings happiness to deserving people all over the world. And faith in a child, born this night, to make us all worthy of the greatest gift.
Merry Christmas, and I wish for for all of you, and renewed faith.

This weekend was Millitary Appreciation at the Aces' game. Boy, the drunks were out full force thats for sure. We had this idiot behind me talk (loudly) throuh the whole game on Friday. And the more he drank the louder he got, and then to a climactic end, he spilled beer down my back, on my jersey and my new coat. I was pissed off. cuz people should have more respect for the people sitting around them, trying to enjoy the game. So last night those same guys were two seats over from us. And EVERY TIME the puck was in our scroing zone he would yell "SHOOT IT!!!" sometimes the other team would have the puck in our scoring zone and he would yell "SHOOT IT!!!!". They cant shoot it eery time they have the puck, jackass, they have to st up the shot. And of course he had one of the horns that were banned cuz they were so loud and he had a big cow bell. And then Amelia and Marcus had a guy behind them, giving them a play by play. Otherwise it was a good game.

They had a jersey auction after the game. Mike Scott's jersey went for $1200. the highest was Oliver Fillion. Over $2000. And then his wife bid $1000 for The goalie's jersey. so they paid over $3000 for two game worn jersey's. Thats about what I paid for my Blazer! Crazy.

We're back

Yep, back to the real world. I am already counting down to when I can go back to (a$*I, a message from the Griz) Iowa. First we have to pay off this trip though...

We picked up the Griz. Its going to be a challenge with the two kitties. They are starting to get a little more used to each other though. So that is reassuring. Its nice to have a baby around again, and Jackies needs the exercise. She is actually handling Griz better than the other way around. She wants to play, and the Griz is scared. But Jackie is a lot bigger than her.

We put up the Chrstmas tree, Jackie has only climbed it once. We have stockings for the kitties. We bought them for Jackie and the Joey. He never got to use his... I had to take his name off so I could put Griz on there. (bhhhthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkjjjj1.,,,,,,,,,,xc, another message from the Griz)
That was kinda hard. I almost didnt do it, but we ont have the money to buy her another one. Anyway, I will put up pics when I get around to it. I've been busy since we've been home. We have a holiday open house at the office this week so we are trying to get ready for that. And I am back to work at the CM, plus we had hockey all this week.

This weekend was Military Appreciation Weekend, so there are lotsa people at the games. And most of them re drunk. I had a stupid jacka** behind me last night. He was talking all through the game. Ad then he got drunker and drunker and starting yelling all these rude and stupid comments. And then to top it off, he spilled his beer down my back, on my jersey and my new coat. I was pissed so I didnt really enjoy the game. Oh, well.

Tomorrow is the day. I am not packed. I am not reay and I dont really care. I havent even been able to think about the fact that we ar eleaving soon, cuz I had so much other stuff to do. Now it is winding down, and I hve no idea where to start. I did do my laundry so at least when I do pack I can pack clean clothes. Ha. I worked my ass off yesterday. I didnt end up going to the hockey game cuz I would have just felt guilty cuz I wasnt at work. Fot those of you who have been in the commissary before, the line for check out was so long that it wrapped all the way around the back of the store (by the milk and eggs) and went went all the way to the otherside by the produce. We were busy. They probably will be again today but I worked so had yesterday, my entire body aches. BUT it dos say a lot or that medicine I am taking for my fatigue cuz I went from 11 am to 7 pm without a problem. It was really tough but tell me a HONEST profession where I can just walk in and make $30 an hour? Sweet. Well, I dont think it was that much throughout the day but it was in he last half hour. I got a $20 and two $5's from my last three customers so I called it a night. I suppose i should go and start doig something, Matt is finally up now so I can pack some more. K. C'ya all in a couple days.

I am doing the best that I can. (Does it seem that I am starting out like that a lot, I guess thats how you know that its not going very good) I have to make enough money one weweeks to pay off the Disney card card before we leave on Monday. So I am a little on edge because I have to work so damn hard in the frezzing cold, and I am tired. i am working as much as I can, but I cant go in anymore cuz I have to work my CWS, and that has to be done before January 1st. And Matthew forgot to go get my album from the store, so I talked to Danielle so she was going to do her best to get it for me today. Matthew went along, but since She wasnt there, I went in cuz I wanted to see the store. And I was shaking so bad. And I felt so sick to my stomach. And now he says that he forgot to add $100 into the budget for the other credit card and I needed to make another $100. How am I supposed to do that. We have 3 freaking Aces games this weekend. Thursday, Saturday and Sunday and, of course, they have to be afternoon games and not night games, so I am basically losing 3 days of work. So I said sell my tickets. I'l go to one of the games. ANd he makes a huff about that too. What am I supposed to do? I am working the MS office every morning so I get up at 6:40 shower, get ready so I can be there by 8:30, I come home around noon, change grb something to eat and go work the commissary til around 8:30. Come home try to eat, and go to bed exhausted. I am tired. I am so tired. And I do all of this when it is a struggle to find the energy to lift my arms. And I tell him that I am tired and he doesnt understand. I'm not sleepy. I have enough energy to breathe and blink, the rest is a constant struggle to be able to do anything. And somewhere along the line I have to do laundry and pack for a 3 weeks trip. I dont know how much more I can do. I just wish he could understand. I am doing my best. but it never seems to be enough for him, there is always something more that I have to do. I just have to not go to the gams. That is all there is to it. I was tempted to just use the money that Laurie gave me as a gift, but I knew that I, one, would get into trouble for that, and two, I didnt want to do that, it was for me, so that i could get something for myself. Instead of a big pile of failure. Cuz thats all I seem to be able to see lately. He just needs to calm down, cuz in about a month I will have two paying jobs instead of one. He is just so insensitive sometimes. I am actually looking forward to being home cuz I know that he will stay at his parents' house and I will stay at mine and I can have a little vacation away from him too. I need it. He is wearing on my last nerve.

I dont know what to do. Mom needs my photo album from the store before we come home and I cant get a hold of Danielle. I dont want to go in there. I am afraid of what I would do and Matt doesnt seem to ever remember or maybe he dosnt wnt to either I dont know. He has been actin wierd lately And I tried to do it the right way and have Steve take care of it, but She never responded back to him. But I know what is going to happen, she wont give it back to me until she gets her parking card back, which Steve still has. But I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I guess on Monday I will have to call Steve and see if I can pick that stuff up. Find sometime to be able to do that, go to the store, and make the trade and hope that She isnt there. And hope that it all works out. I'll just have to find time to do it. I'll just have to listen to Matt bitch at me cuz I didnt go to work as long as I should have. God, I need to get out of here. Actually I need to alo get soe time away from Matt ad his stress and freaking out cuz Its starting to wear on me. I just have to go do what I have to do.

I burnt my tonge so bad. Its swollen. I am such a dork. I wanted to eat before work, so I made a quesadilla and burnt my tongue on the cheese. Now i cant really talk. Work is gonna suck so bad.

In two weeks we are going to be home. I am so excited. I cant believe its already here! There was a lot of stuff I was supposed to before the time to leave arrived. I am SOOOOOO ready to take some time away. I want to be able to sleep for a while. I want to spend time with my family. I want to get away from this place for awhile. Just remove myself from the residue pain that still lingers in my life here. The only thing that i am afraid of happening is that I will o home, and know how happy I am when I am home and with the people I love that I will come back here, not renewed and reenergized like I want, but miserable and longing even more for my home. But i have to NOT think that way cuz I till have a while to be here. 2 more years. 2 years, that isnt that long. When I got up here I thought 2 years was long and then it turned into 3 more years... SO anyway I have to go try and make some serious cash since Matt wants our Disney card paid off before we leave. I am so tired. Just tired. Tired of doing everything that everyone else needs me to do, being pulled in all of these directions. I need to get away or I am going to get ripped apart.

It's effing COLD!!!

Some info of interest for you: It is currently 1 degree. Yes 1 degree. And it is only November. It is going to be a LONG COLD winter. And for everyone's information, 50 degrees at night is 49 degrees warmer than it is here, so we will be in the pool. I will be in the pool.

I am SOO excited. All went well with my meeting with Juliet. She says I can keep my commissary job. I bring her signed time sheets. I think that she is letting me keep the job because I am me. You know what I mean? Cuz I'm not a loser trouble maker. So she doesnt really care what I do as long as its not illegal. And my trip has been approved. And she is lengthening her leash, I dont have to go to the office anymore, I just have to check in the first Wednesday of every month. I have to bring my time sheet and my monthly report to a substation office sometime during that day. And then when my CWS is done she is gonna put me on minimal contact where I just mail in my monthly reports and I dont have to talk to her at all. And then after a year, she is gonns recommend me for early termination. Cuz basically she told me that my coming down there wa a waste of both of our time. She has other people she needs to watch and rehabilitate and I am checking in to tell her that I havent done anything but work since the last time i saw her.

I cant believe we only have a couple weeks til Disney World and home. I have already started makig packing lists. Matt's about ready to explode. Literally I think his head is just going to burst open spilling pixie dust and mickey confetti everywhere! LOL. Now there is a picture for you!

I am doing the best that i can do. I am trying so damned hard. i work all morning, and then I come home try to eat and then change and go to my other job, and try to make money to support our family. I DO NOT need people to come home and nag at me for what I didnt do, instead of noticing the things I did do. Like spending all day at my work and then a few more hours at my other work and then I came home early so that I could clean the house because some people want to have people over this weekend to watch the hockey game but he doesnt want to clean. So this is the only time I have to clean. But then those people come home and ask what I am doing and assume that I didnt go to work. And then becauseI dont want to go back out to the cold and go to the BX, where I had just come from not an hour before he gets all mad and huffy at me. Well, poop on you. I dont want to go. And then it is like he is a martar because he went and mailed my boots back. Like it was some huge effort when he was the one who ordered a size 6 when I wear a 10. But I didnt say anything, cuz it was a mistake. But now I must praise him cuz he mailed them. Gag me. Are all guys like this?

I thought I would give y'all a little update. I really enjoy workin at the MS office. We are already starting on the organization for the '07 MS Walk. We are the centerfuge for Anchorage, Fairbanks, Matsu Valley, Copper Valley, Soldotna and Juneau. So There is a lot of paperwork and phone calls to be made. Getting the team captains started on pledges and such. But I am having fun, and I can tell that Diana is already impressed by my work. It makes me wonder what kind of people they usaually have as volunteers. But I feel like I am helping her get a lot done. Then when the Walk is done we will start on the Chocolate Affair. And all is well a the CM. Is damn cold, but I will live through it. It will make Florida's 50 degrees feel all the better. LOL. As most of you already know, we decided not to get a puppy. We are going to get a kitten instead. I really want a puppy. I always have, but I miss Joey so much, and so does Jackie. I want to give a kitten a try again and this time, we know he will be healthy. So we just have to decide on a name. It hasnt been as easy as Joey was.

I had a sucky day yesterday cuz Amanda sent me an article that said the factory that manufactures Pink Flamigos is closing. And I read another article that said Bob Barker is retiring. Amanda is already looking for plane tickets. We've always wanted to go to The Price is Right. Ever since we were little. Besides All My Children, I think it was the first show I remember watching. And she wants t get up on stage, and tell Bob that she remembers watchin him when his hair was dark. LOL. How sad. I wonder if it will be like when you take an elderly person out of their house, and they pass away, cuz it was the house that kept them strong. So anyway, that is pretty much it. Its cold. Its snowing. I am tired. And Matt is still alive. 3 weeks to go.

Ok, now I am in a quandry. The people at Bekin's called today and wanted to know if I had a ccepted another job or not. They want me to call them back. Now that I just got on at NMSS. And Diana told me today that come January there will be a temp postition open and by then my hours would be done so I could work there if I wanted to. SHe "hinted" that if I applied I would get it before ayone else cuz by that time I will know the ins and outs of the office more than anyone. But I dont know if I need to take the Bekin's job or not, but I dont know if it will be 40 hours or not, which I know that I can get at the commissary but I havent got a final aproval from Juliet about the commissary job. But I have to have 40 hours so if Bekins isnt 40 hours I dont know if I can do it, and I wont know till I go in and talk to them, but I dont want them to think that because I went in there, I am saying yes to the job, cuz if they think that I will have a hard time saying no. And I really want to stay at NMSS cuz I think I will really like it there, and if there is employment opportunity I would take that in a heart beat above all else. I want to be there, like I have never wanted to be anywhere before. And it is something I could feel good about doing, ad it actually uses skills my parents paid thousands of dollars for me to learn. I guess it just boils down to me talking to Juliet. I am just afraid if I take that job, I wont be able to work at NMSS cuz their hours are 8:30 to 4:30. So here I am in my quandry. It is nce that it s a psuedo good quandry for once. Too many people are interested in me. its a nice change.

On different, but similar note, I feel a calmness now that I havent felt in a very long time. I look around and I just feel that all my roads have led my to this place, and this is where I was meant to be. Like a calling. And that is what makes this quandry so very difficult becase for the very first time in my life, it seems like I know what I am supposed to do. What I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be helping people. People like me. Who are scared and confused and lost and I feel like I am supposed to do this. Not sit behind a computer all day, transposing numbers into a spreadsheet. How long until that numbs my brain? I need this. And they need me. Its ust like everything has alligned and brought me to this opprtunity and the idea that I may lose it hurts deeper than anything I have ever experienced before. Please pray that this works out and I can keep working for NMSS and that Juliet lets me keep working at the commissary. I truely believe that this is where I need to be, what I need to be doing. I have a direction. I never realized how lost I was until I realized what direction I needed to be going.

Well, here is little update for you. I met with the CWS conselor. I sign on to volumteer at the MS Society office. I am really excited about it. It will be a lot of office type work, but thats what I was hoping for. Taking phone calls, and filing and meeting with clients and drumming up donations and such. And if it goes well, and I am sure that it will, I want to continue on and volunteer there. Diana is really nice and she is the one who organizes the MS Walk and the Chocolate event, which unfortunately I JUST missed. But there are only 3 people in the office, so its really close knit. I am really excited. And I talked to her about my health and she says hat they will be on me to take my medicine, which is what I wanted, and why I need to start it early. And doing research and things and learning about the support system, and such. Unfortunately for y'all I have to sign a confedentality agreement so I wont be able to talk about what actually goes on at the office, but thats ok. I am really excited about this. And I have pretty much got Tom (at the CM) to agree to signing off on a "set" schedule of 40 hours, so Emily is going to be VERY buy now, but I feel really good about this. Like this is where I am supposed to be. I was presented wth this opportunity to make my life healthier and to help other people around me too. Now just to get my puppy and I will be set on my new life. I just hope I have enough time for my puppy. Since now I have to go to the office at 9 and then i have to be at work by one. So it least I will be able to come home and walk him and then go to work I guess. And then Matthew can play with him in gthe afternoon before he goes to work and I can spend all night with him. So I guess it will be alright.

I am told it is normal to be young and not know what your doing or where your going. But I dont know if thats true. I dont think its true. Because I cant believe that other people feel as low and as lost as I feel. Like I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I thought that I knew what i wanted and I thought I knew where I was going, but I dont. I look at my brother, and I wonder what am I doing? I learned a long time ago, not to compare myself to Amanda or Lew because I just didt measure up. I know that I am as smart as them, but I never did anything with it, and now I dont know what to do with it. Here is my rother who is not even out of college yet, who is being fought over by Rolls Royce and a pretigious professor who is funding an alternative fuel project that ..now has Conoco-Phillips and their $15 million grant interested. And what am I doing? Amanda has a good job and a house and a life, ad I just feel like I have been pushed out. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to them. But I am so lost. When I was at the store, I felt like I was actually doing something, and something that I could be proud of, that made me feel successful, for the time. Because I felt good, and I felt like I was doing something. Something real. Now, I dont know if I'll ever have that chance again. I know I am young and hae a whole life ahead of me, but tat is how I am feeling. I have been so bummed out lately, that I just want to sleep alot and I dont want to go to work. Because I just dont feel lke I am doing anything. And I know that I wont be doing anything for at least two years. And that bums me out a little more. And I am trying so hard not to focus on these things. So hard. Talking to Kristin has helped cuz I know that no matter how difficult this is for me, she is in a worse position. She cant call and talkto her family whenever she wants. She is stuck in an isolated world so far from everything she knows. And that is why we are connecting so much again. Because on different levels we are going through the same thing. Isolation, depression, entrapment in a world we never asked for. And we can bring understndingand light to each toher, when no one else understands. It has been so good to talk to her. It is a friendship that we should have been nurturing all along, but I am so glad that we are bonding again. I miss her so much. But I guess that is just another name to add to the list.

I suppose its time to update. I have been mostly spending my internet time talking to Kristin in Iraq. I think we have talked more in the last week than we have in the last 5 years. But it has been great. And I know she needs it. She is so depressed and lonely. Iraq is starting to wear on her. And now her internet and phones where she lives are down. So her one sense of normalcy is gone. I'm gonna send her some coloring books. And I have a box ready to go out to her. I am going to the post office as soon as I get my shower taken.

Anyway, its all been fine. We are getting the job things worked out. And tomorrow I go back to talk to the other lady about my CWS. I really just want to get that out of the way. And not have to worry about it.

We might get our puppy soon. I am so happy. I havent been this happy in a long time. And the Jackies needs a friend. She REALLY needs a friend! Or a bigger house! We might get him when we are home cuz it would save us the $250-$300 shipping costs.

Gotta love it. Just gotta love it. Matt comes in the bedroom last night and tells me there is a hole in his tire and now he has to get all new tires. Figures. Now that we are on the track to paying off the debts and now we have to get stupid tires. Nope, I got yelled at because I hate his truck, and I am so negativ towards his trck and I am being unreasonable because I asked why he couldnt just get one tire instead of four. But apparently we need to get all four... Whatever. Hopefully I'll have two jobs soon, and he can have new tires. But now he wants to drive my car. K. W/e. Arg.

Teaches me a lesson for taking a nap at 6 pm. Now I cant sleep. I guess I should know better. Anyway, I hate te night time cuz I cant shut my brain off long enough to relax. I'm all worried about my job situation. I have made some decisions that I hope I will be happy with. I decided that if the offically offer me the job at Bekins I am going to take it. Even if I dont like it, I worked at Wal-Mart for 5 1/2 years and I HATED it there. I can spend two miesley little years filling out paperwork and entering payroll information. And working two jobs wont be so bad. I know I can do it, and then we can get stuff paid off sooner, and get our puppy sooner. Jackie needs someone to play with. I will just have to learn not to see Matthew that much. We did it before... Yeah, that worked out well... We'll just have to make a better effort to spend time together. I have decided that I will just do this so I know that I am doing everything I can to be in compliance with my regulations which means I can be free of this shit sooner rather than later. I figure, I cant ignore the fact that when I needed a job this was presented to me on silver platter. I mean, they just happened to call me right when I needed a job? I cant ignore that. It happened for a reason, and given the events of the last few months, I have learned to accept that things happen for a reason. Besides, they are willing to give me a chance, even given my situation. I want to recognize that and appreciate that. And I will.

Oh, also I am VERY excited cuz when we are in Wilton, Kristin will be on R/R!!! Yay! I am so happy that we will be ale to see eah other!

OK, so here is an update for you. I met with my PO today. asically she said as long as I do what I am supposed to do, then she will evaluate me in 3 months and proabably move me to minimum contact. Which means I wouldnt have to go to the office at all and just respond by mail. I have to find a way to verify that I work 40 hours a week. The only way I could work part time is if I was in school, or had a disability of some sort. And when I finish half my sentence I can apply for early termination. So as log and she and the courts, approve it all this could be over quietly, in a year. Which was the bright side of the clouds. So here we are. I meet with her agian on the third. The Disney Trip is still ok, as long as I dont get into trouble between now and then. I meet with another lady on Tuesday to set up my CWS, and in order to get my minimum approved, I have to be done with my CWS, and all my other things, which are two things, which one is done. So I just have to submit to a DNA thing where they put me in the criminal database. So if my DNA shows up at a crime scene I'm screwed! HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, you probably didnt think that was funny. Sorry, I did. Anyway, she asked me what I thought about the whole situation. How do I answer that? I just said, I was happy about it, but I can only do my best to put it behind me. She told me there should be no problem, its the people who wat to hide, and drink and do drugs and move without telling her. I was just lke I have no initention of running off anywhere, i dont drink. I've never done drugs n my life. We are a millitary family. I am a good person stuck in a bad situation. So I think it went well.

I had the best day yesterday. Matt asked me to stay home from work, which he NEVER does. He wanted to spend the day with him. He never asks me not to work so I knew he really wanted me to stay. So I stayed home. We watched Back to the Future 1 & 2. And we made pump-a=kin bread, and we made homemade pizzas. And then we used out quesadilla maker and made Apple pie quesadillas. And we just sat and watched movies and cuddled on the couch. It was the best day to just spend the day with Matthew. I mean we sit and watch TV together but its not the same. We were very domesticated yesterday. It was fun. Very relaxing. And for one quiet Sunday, nothing in my world was wrong.

How it went

I dont know about this job. I just dont htink I would be happy doing it. But I am afraid to turn it down, because what if I need it. And then this opportunity was presented to me and I didnt do it and then I missed my chance and I am stuck. I dont know, I thought it went ok, but not super fabulous. So I guess I will see how it turns out. Maybe they will call, maybe they wont, at least I tried. It sounds like I will be mainly part time through the winter and then come summer I will be full time. So who knows. I will just wait and see. Roll with the punches, I am learning how to do that better.

I didnt know exactly what to say. I decided to tell him straight out. They do background checks so I decided to tell him right away. Might as well be honest from the beginning. if that is the deciding factor at least I know it was because I was honest not because I hid something. And that makes me feel good. Because I know that I went in there, and was honest, and was myself and if I dont get called back because of that, then I wasnt supposed to get the job today. But at least I know I tried. And it helps that I know I am still making money.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Actually they called me this morning. When I first left L.A. I posted my resume at anchoragehelpwanted.com and they called me. I figured, why the hell not. Thats verifiable employment for my PO, so I might as well come in for an interview! It was like it was meant to happen. Cuz they just called me out of nowhere. Here's the ad:

Needed: RECEPTIONIST - Full to Part time position at a busy Moving and Storage company providing multi-line telephone, front desk, computer payroll input and clerical support. Strong attention to detail & great interpersonal skills a MUST. Computer experience with Outlook, Word & Excel required. Must have ability to manage multiple priorities. 1+ years reception experience in a professional office environment is required and your resume and work history must reflect this experience. Please fax resume to ***-***-****. Bekins NWJob Location: Anchorage Available ImmediatelyPosted: 9/29/06

so tired...

I am so tired today! I didnt get to sleep til 3 am this morning. I just couldnt fall asleep. And then a few hours later this lady caled. Twice. And then an hour after that the jets started up. And then The damn dogs started barking... No one wanted me to sleep today. I am going to have NO energy for work today. This is going to be the ultimate test of my Lift Off drink. I'll let you know how it does. So far I have been pretty impressed with it.

I found coat at JC Penny's for work. Plus I think it will be nice for this winter at the hockey games since Matthew insisted that we tailgate on Saturdays. And I found some boots on cabelas.com but I am afraid to order boots over the internet cuz it might not fit. Oh well. I guess you can always send them back...

Boy, you almost pass out once and your husband wants to send you to the doctor. So I've never really fainted before. The closest I came was when I had kidney stones and I got sick from the pain, but I dont think I was anywhere close to where I was this afternoon. Matt was at work.. And I have not been feeling well for awhile now. And my ear has started acting up again. I was laying on the couch and I decided to go into the kitchen to get some water. So I walked into the kitchen and got a glass out of the cupboard. And when I went to get the water pitcher, i got so lightheaded. And I couldnt really breathe. I was breathing but it was like I wasnt getting any oxygen. And I could hear and feeling my heart beating in my throat. So I sat down on the bench and I looked up and there was a flash where my sight lost all the color and it was kind yellowish, sort of. It was really scary. Cuz no one would have known till Matt came home for supper a couple of hours later. So now he wants me to go to the doctor. I just keep telling myself that it will pass. I am my father's daughter.

Amanda called me cynical. I dont want to come out of this cold, and cynical. I dont. But I cant help but think that may be part of the package. Think of the worst thing that anyone has ever done to you, the most betrayed you have ever felt, that person who betrayed you was one of the few people in a vast new place that you trusted, which is very hard for you to do, and you find out that not only did you not know that person AT all, but that they inlicted this pain on you, on PURPOSE, and premeditated. How do you not come out of that a little cynical? I have done my best to handle this in the best way that I know how, but I am not going to come out of this unscathed. I wish that I could have, but as you can imagine, that isnt going to happen. I just hope that my PO is cool and helps me get through this as easy as possible. Anyway, I should probably go to bed. I am not really feeling that well today.

Do you think that you can learn to hate someone? I dont think that I know how , or I knew how, to hate someon, before, so I am not sure if that is what this is. I talked to mom a few days ago, after my meeting w/DOC. And After I finally cried. I finally let all of that out. And for the first time I vocalized what I THINK I feel towards Her. I havent even really said Her name because I dont want to hear it in my own ears. And it i funny how it is just Her name and not anyone else's. For example, I have no problem saying Laurie in reference to Matthew's mom, but when it is in reference to Her I cant say it. And I almost feel guilty capitalizing "Her" bur I dont know how else to reference Her. Cept maybe "coke" since I have found out that is Her candy of choice, and explains a lot about Her behavior. Anyway, I finally said, out loud, that I hated her. But I am not even certain that's true. I have never been so hurt by someone before, not like that. Not where I forgot to breathe. Because my world came down SO fast I forgot to breathe. How dos that happen? How do you let that happen? I let that happen. Yeah, I know what you are going to say, but I did.

I have done a lot of soul searching. I feel like I have been barely able to keep my head up above water for what seems like forever. Through court, through meetings, through tears, and doubts, through new hopes, and close friends... I dont remember what I was like before July. So much more clouds my mind now. But its the last two things that have helped me keep my head above the water. Above that crushing weight that wishes to steal my breath one more time. I know that soon all of this will be behind me, and I know that I will live through it. I have made such strides in moving on with my life. I am making friends... And anything that comes up now, that stands in the way of that... I am having a difficult time getting past them. I feel like I have done so much to pick myself up that now if anything happens to the contrary to that progress I barely have the strength to overcome that too. Like if I cant work at the CM anymore. .. I know that I can find something else. I know tat we can survive, but its not just that. I found something that I can do for myself that helps us get through this difficuilt time, and I am making friends there, I just cant think about that getting taken away from me too.

Well, for all its worth the court shit is over. Today was it. So except for my charity work and my new "best friend"" I am done with that stupid woman. My no contact order is done so Matthew can go and get my stuff back from that store. I am just glad that it is, for the most part, over. Now I just have to get the nxt two years over with and I am free of that **tch forever. And I dont have to not talk to my friends anymore. I miss them. The only thing that I dont want to do is talk to Danielle or Kim too much cuz I dont want them to get into any kind of issues with Her since I know how She is and She will shit bricks if She finds out that they are still in contact with me. Cuz the way She works means that if She cuts someone out of Her life, then everyone around Her has to do the same thing. I know, cuz I've been on the other side of that. Now I just hope that She will disappear from my dreams too and then I can really move on from this. We have like only 50-some days till we go to Disney World, so I will be able to totally leave this up here and go to DW and have no worries, no concerns, no stressors, nothing. Just some good times with the mouse. I am so glad that through all of this Mat didnt touch our Disney fund, he knew how much I would need this, we would BOTH need this after all was said and done. and on top of that we will spend a few days at home, so I can see my family. Which I also REALLY need right now.